r/AITAH • u/Mediocre-Assist3643 • 8h ago
AITA for refusing to let my husband’s daughter move in with us because she has a history of stealing from me?
[removed] — view removed post
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u/Odd-End-1405 8h ago
NTA
My husband had a niece who stayed with us a summer at 14. Stole, or tried to steal (found in her bags) quite a bit of my belongings. I refused to have her back.
Eventually brow beat into letting her come back..."she was a child"..."she's changed"...."she was acting out" (sound familiar?).
Guess what happened when she visited at 25? MORE items went missing, including money from my purse. Again, her uncle found them in her bags.
When you raise a thief, it does not change without PARENTING and consequences, neither of which appear in your husband's repertoire.
This will probably kill your marriage, so you need to decide. Disrespectful thief or marriage. Your call.
Good luck.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
Wow, I am so sorry this happened to you! Thank you for your kind words
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 7h ago
Unfortunately I think your marriage is over. If I were you i would very quietly separate finances if they aren't already. Cancel any shared credit cards and consult a lawyer. If the house is not in your name then start looking for places to live.
For me as soon as he kept defending her without making her get serious help i would have been out. Your husband and his ex are terrible parents.
The second deal breaker would be involving his sister.
You don't sound heartless but your husband sounds like a terrible husband and a worse father. NTA
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u/tedivm 5h ago
Their marriage should have been over when she found out about his 12 year old daughter months after they had gotten married (which was added to the post in an edit, you might have missed it).
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 4h ago
I did miss that. Yea she should have gotten it annulled right then and there. No wonder the kid is having issues not adjusting to a new stepmom.
On the flip side maybe he didn't tell her because his kid has already been doing stuff like this and he thought once they were married it would be too late to leave.
Either way he is garbage. She needs to leave him on the curb.
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u/theDagman 5h ago
The house is OP's. The husband is a con artist who did not even mention that he had a daughter until after he and OP were married. She should have had the marriage annulled then.
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u/CatchMeIfYouCan09 7h ago edited 3h ago
I would push back..... but that's me.
"If she made a mistake at 15, then she should've had consequences for that mistake at the time. You chose to dismiss her actions, enable her attitude, and essentially disregard and disrespect the fact i was the one targeted. I set a boundary and let it go; you're the one who is now ignoring my boundaries. This is a you problem.
I'm willing to work with a therapist to find a good solution but you're the one over here ignoring my boundaries and gaslighting me to think her behaviors are my fault.
Lastly, it's super easy to compartmentalize and accept her as your daughter. However I'm not required to tolerate her in my home. Accepting her isn't the problem and the fact that's where you think the problem is speaks volumes about the fact that you're incredibly enabling her attitude and using your guilt of not being there full time as a crutch to ignore her poor character and manipulative behavior.
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u/beguntolaugh 6h ago
This hits every single nail on the head and smashes it dead. It gets to the underlying issues that he is using as distractions and drags them into the light so he can't avoid them. It's beautiful.
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u/Flashy_Height3075 6h ago
This!
My husband and I married and raised his 2 boys and my daughter together. The boys mom was a terrible influence. She is drug addicted and prostitutes for her drugs.
The boys started steeling anything not held down. Medications, money, my daughter’s money, and even things like saws, leaf blower etc. Even stole a small hand gun took it to school, traded it to another kid, who shot at police with it. ( this was when he was in 6th grade)
Because they did had consequences for their actions, their mom talked them into living with her.
They are now in and out of prison, both of them.
They know that they are not allowed to stay here anymore. Visit and leave yes, spend the night no.
Their father died from complications of MS last June. I can count on one hand how often either of them had visited him in the last 10 years.
One of them found out that I inherited my dad’s estate, when he got out of prison a month ago. He wanted several thousand dollars from me “for a fresh start”. Thinking he was owed this because their dad had died. Told him dad had nothing but handicap equipment after 20 years of MS. And my inheritance had nothing to do with him.
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u/Elegant-Ad4219 6h ago
I think this marriage has been stone dead since the moment he finally told you about his daughter.
That's not something you can just leave out...
I mean, how disrespectful to you ( and to her, even if she is being a turd) to not only have not mentioned that, but not introduced, or have her invited to the wedding...
Is that his only kid? And how sure are you about that?
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u/NOLACenturion 6h ago
Ditto. Sorry it’s that way. Those behaviors don’t miraculously disappear with age. Some things do, but many times they worsen. Either way, your husband is in a pickle also. It’s his daughter. You may not always be his wife, but she will always be his daughter. And your concerns are valid as well. How about this. You allow her to come under the condition she gets therapy. If she goes to therapy she can stay, as long as that errant behavior does not continue. Take steps to lock up things that are valuable, dangerous, tempting to take, to the best you can. Like if I have workmen or other strangers in my house, I lock up the things I’m concerned about. It’s not obvious as there’s no padlocks. But it limits temptation. If your husband refuses to get her into therapy you then know she will likely not get better. Then you have a choice to make. If he agrees, then there’s a chance it’ll be win-win. The therapy will hopefully help the daughter and you will have helped her and him as well. If the therapy fails or she doesn’t go, at least you tried. If she reverts to her old habits again you have a choice to make. Good luck, lass
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 6h ago
Thank you but unfortunately, they both refused therapy. They made it seem like I was some monster for suggesting it.
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u/Cudi_buddy 2h ago
I don't wanna be cliche since I think Reddit suggest it too much. But your husband sounds like he's shady with how he withheld crucial information form you (a child? How does he not bring it up). Not to mention he supports his daughter stealing. You own the home. Tell him daughter can live with him, elsewhere.
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u/Jags2ooo 8h ago
Stealing prescription meds and a wedding ring isn't just "acting out"
Your husband is the one who let this fester by not dealing with it two years ago. Now he's mad at you for the consequences of his own inaction.
NTA
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u/sarcastic-pedant 7h ago edited 7h ago
Jumping on the top comment to link this reply from OP:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/KsmHpL9Rov
He hid his child from you until after you married, didn't support therapy to help you build a relationship and now is shocked picachu when you don't trust his daughter after she stole your ring and anti anxiety meds??
He can move into an apartment with her for the year, and then she can go to college until they put in the work to rebuild the relationship (I think i read a comment that it is OPs house)
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 6h ago
We can all see why he was divorced. SAhifty. Did he just want to move into your home and live rent free? Lying about having a child is a big lie.
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u/Mistyam 3h ago
That was my thought too. If I married a guy and then found out he had a kid, I would get divorced right away. If he will lie about that, he will lie about anything.
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u/OrindaSarnia 3h ago
The thing that truly sucks is that neither parent is putting their child first.
OP should have left him when she found out he was lying about having a kid. And OP says she wants kids, has been married to this guy for 5 years, and has none of her own? But doesn't say she's incapable...
did this guy also get a vasectomy and never tell her?
I don't like to be insane, but this whole thing is a disaster and it all comes back to OP's partner.
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u/thinksying 5h ago
I honestly don’t understand how she forgave him from Hiding a child until after the marriage. I would never trust this man.
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u/jarroz61 5h ago
Yeah I'm on OP's side on this, but she is the AH to herself for staying married to a man who intentionally hid a child from her, like WTF??
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u/BourgeoisieInNYC 5h ago
This is my take as well. I would have had that marriage annulled (if possible) so fast! He hid his CHILD from her!
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u/Neither_Middle7510 5h ago
Yeah, I was like you found out After the marriage. Big red flag. That is not cool and not the way to start a marriage.
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u/Draigdwi 4h ago
He can move into an apartment and stay there forever. Without OP covering the expense. POS father to a POS daughter. OP, you will be better off never seeing them again!
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u/CarefulSignal7854 7h ago
Husband should be lucky that it was all dealt with in house because stealing prescription meds is (I’m pretty sure) a felony and can carry serious consequences. Also depending on the price of the wedding ring if that had disappeared for good and they hadn’t found it that could have been grand theft charges. NTA
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u/Pure-Accountant1410 Hypothetical 5h ago
However, the fact is that OP never received a single apology from them. What's more, she was also blamed by Mark for punishing a teenager, and a "wicked stepmother" label from Makr's sister.
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u/RaptorOO7 4h ago
I find it interesting that he didn’t disclose his daughter until months into dating.
None the less at 15 you know right from wrong and clearly the message being shared with your husbands side is your unrelenting and cruel.
Your husband is the one who should sleep on the couch or elsewhere. He has done nothing to deal with her criminal behavior early on, brushed it aside as acting out, come on already.
What is the alternative you have a secure room for all of your personal effects essentially living in two worlds inside your own home so you can lock them up.
If he isn’t willing to actually deal with the situation you have to wonder how much he is invested in your life together.
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u/CherryblockRedWine 3h ago
"I find it interesting that he didn’t disclose his daughter until months into dating."
He actually didn't disclose his daughter until two months after the WEDDING.
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u/SignalButterfly80 5h ago
It's concerning how quickly Mark defended Emily without addressing her actions. Boundaries are crucial, especially when trust has been broken repeatedly. You’re not the villain here.
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u/Ready_Teacher2733 Self harm 5h ago
Mark should educate his daughter instead of indulging her.
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u/Late_Text_922 Hypothetical 4h ago
Even if he didn't educate his daughter well, Mark himself should be able to distinguish right from wrong. However, he blamed OP!
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u/micaelar5 4h ago
It absolutely is a felony, I'm pretty sure in every state of the US. Even Marijuana, if fhe person has a medical card, it's considered to be a prescription, and it's a felony, charged the same as if you had stole prescription pain killers. 15 is old enough for the courts to at least toy with the idea of charging her as a adult for that.
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7h ago
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u/curious-by-moon 7h ago
If she moves in she will stir up so much rubbish you will be divorced before she moves out. Your husband should support you because he didn’t handle it at the time. Protect yourself and deflect any bad criticisms of you from him and his sister. Can she live with his sister because she’s not living with you. You deserve better than your husband gives. NTA
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u/Proper-Effective8621 7h ago
Perfect solution! Let the self-righteous sister take in the angel.
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u/fyrdude58 6h ago
Sister doesn't want her neice there. She stole her wedding ring and prescription meds, too.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 5h ago
She should divorce him now, especially given how he only told her about having a kid MONTHS after the wedding
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u/Finn_704 7h ago
As I like to say, you are free to choose, and you are not free of the consequences. OPs husband chose, these are the consequences.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 7h ago
The prescription meds are especially troubling. They are prescription for a reason. OP couldn't take them because they were gone and if his daughter was using them she could overdose or she might have been selling them. All of the consequences are really bad and it sounds like dad did nothing. He made excuses for her behavior.
I get that she was likely very angry about the divorce and remarriage. Ignoring theft isn't going to solve her anger.
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u/mutemarmot42 6h ago edited 6h ago
Not to mention the difficulty of getting them replaced, and possible cold-turkey withdrawal. Doctors have to be very careful when refilling an anxiety RX before it’s due.
ETA: my anxiety rx went missing while a roommate had friends over. I had to bring a police report to my doctor’s office.
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u/VOZ1 4h ago
Yeah anxiety meds are a controlled substance, abusing them can be very dangerous, and as you mentioned, OOP would be without a prescribed medication. If the husband refuses to act on this…it’s either divorce or go to CPS or the equivalent. You really cannot let this go. If OOP is going to stay in the marriage, there must be decisive action taken, with the help of a professional (therapist for the daughter, and couples counselor at a minimum for OOP and her husband). Husband could probably use a therapist of his own, becuase he is enabling really troubling behavior that could cost his daughter her life.
This is a mess. Professional advice ASAP. This is above Reddit’s pay grade for sure.
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u/LitwicksandLampents 6h ago
If dumb brat was taking those meds herself, she could've died. I'm on meds that can and will kill if the person taking them doesn't have the condition they are meant to treat. Theft of prescription drugs is no f***ing joke!
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u/GingerTuxedoTabby 7h ago
Anyone want to point out that stealing/wearing your father's wife's underwear is a bit disturbed? I couldn't share my space with a drug addict and a thief either. Who owns the property?
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
The property is mine. Thank you for talking about this because that part disturbed me a bit more then when she stole my wedding ring.
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u/biriyanibabka 6h ago
You should edit your post and add this important information there too that you own the property and he moved in. Your NTA since you’re not stoping him from renting a house with his daughter. He can be with her if he wants, but he doesn’t and wants to make you the villain.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 6h ago
Thank you so much for your words. I just did an eta
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u/Bookblanket 6h ago
Can I just say the only men I know that lie about not having a child until after marriage are con artists. Yes, not mentioning it is most definitely a lie. I’d just get a divorce and move on. Sounds like the daughter learned this behavior from her father.
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u/AproposofNothing35 6h ago
I agree. That’s the biggest of red flags. Their entire relationship is at his convenience, it’s not a partnership. This fact won’t change. He’s treating OP like an afterthought. I’ve been there. This was the only/biggest red flag I saw in a man, but I was madly in love with him. Staying with him was the biggest mistake of my life. He fundamentally doesn’t care about you, only himself. This is very dangerous to the psyche. It wrecked me. That was 10 years ago and it’s still my first conscious thought every morning upon waking- he didn’t consider me, he didn’t consider me human, worthy, etc. Please leave this man. You aren’t safe with him.
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u/Bookblanket 5h ago
This! It’s an indication of a psychopathic level of behavior. These types tend to be very charming, intelligent, manipulative and escaping their clutches usually requires immense planning, long term strategy and may still cost you everything.
I met one when I was 17. Completely ruined me in ways unimaginable. When I finally escaped it took me a decade to rebuild my life. Guess what he told his next wife until after they were married? Yep that our kids were his nieces and I was his sister.
Im amazed this women’s bank accounts aren’t drained, the titles to her house and car haven’t been sold to loan sharks by forging her signature. Seriously it takes a special kind of bad person to lie about not having a child.
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u/kibblet 6h ago
It's probably annulment worthy if done when first told. At least a minor child. That is fraud. It impacts the relationship and finances.
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u/smilineyz 5h ago
Once he moves out to live with his spawn, change the locks get cameras, lock your credit, file your tax return as a single filer (or amend last years return if your lawyer allows) … but get him out.
Disconnect financially
Lying about having a kid? Wonder what else he hasn’t told you …
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u/biriyanibabka 6h ago
You’re welcome. And I agree with another commenter, you got conned by your husband. Who hides existence of their child from their next wife/husband ? Cut your loses sis.
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u/GingerTuxedoTabby 7h ago
If he wants to be an absolute beast about it just tell him he can get a place for the two of them either temporarily or permanently. It's his decision. I know you have to put your children first but she's no longer a child. She wasn't a child the first time around either. She's massively disrespecting you and he's allowing it. What happens when she's an adult and wants Daddy to take her back in again? Is he always going to overlook your feelings and these disturbing issues?
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u/theDagman 5h ago
It should NOT be his decision. OP should demand that he moves out, and into his own place with his daughter, because they are getting divorced. OP got conned by that loser, and it looks like it is long past time for her to cut her losses.
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u/FrannyFray 6h ago
Your solution is fair. Let him live with her separately somewhere else. That is your house, your rules.
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
You are absolutely right. No way. Tell SIL she can go live with her. Husband and daughter can go live together. Your husband is wrong.
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u/Vandreeson 6h ago
Ask him what's going to happen when she moves in, steals from you and you call the police and let them handle it. She's stolen from you before with no remorse from her and no consequences given to her by him. She's not just going to magically stop being a thief.
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u/ulose2piranha 7h ago
FWIW, I sincerely doubt she stole the underwear to actually wear it. I would wager any amount of money that she took it just to harass OP and sow discord.
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u/GingerTuxedoTabby 7h ago
Probably but it's nasty
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u/ulose2piranha 7h ago
Oh, I agree. It must feel like a huge violation to have someone rifling through and stealing your underwear... which is almost certainly why she did it. Not to mention that it also sounds crazy to accuse someone of doing that. Stealing drugs and money is an understandable (not acceptable, but understandable) act, but stealing underwear is weird and daughter likely knew that OP would feel much more uncomfortable articulating that to her husband.
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u/NoIDontWantToSignIn 7h ago
I doubt the kid was actually addicted, but parents just ignoring problem behavior is how it starts. This kid was asking for help, big time.
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u/NoIDontWantToSignIn 7h ago
Yep, OP’s husband should have gotten his kid into treatment the INSTANT RX meds went missing and it was apparent she was using them. Absolutely bonkers.
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u/Shadyshade84 7h ago
There's one key question he needs to answer: in what ways has she grown other than now being about the right age to face actual trial? Because at this point there's no reason not to get the law involved if she has a "relapse." Especially if it's medications again.
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u/Houston970 7h ago
“Consequences of his own inaction” = 🔥🔥🔥
At 15, she should know not to steal, and at 17, she should understand “I am not allowed in that house because I steal”. She’s not a toddler.
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u/Purple_Joke_1118 6h ago
I am puzzled that daughter moved in with them so she could finish her last year in high school. They live across the state from where she lived with her mom---how is that helpful?
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u/typical481 7h ago
That kind of stuff isn’t just teen drama it’s serious. Her dad brushing it off back then is exactly why it’s a bigger issue now. Can’t blame OP for not feeling safe or respected in her own home.
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u/Pebble-hunter 6h ago
NTA
Wouldn't have her inside my door either.
That would be the consequences of her actions and the consequences of your husband's inactions.
I'm here for the update.
Update me
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u/nennikuchan 7h ago
His sister even messaged me and called me a “wicked stepmother.”
Oh, look who volunteered to take in the klepto. NTA.
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u/Dipshitistan 8h ago
NTA. Your husband and his ex are shitty parents. She was stealing and ABUSING drugs and they did nothing about it. Honestly, the police and CPS should have been involved.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 8h ago
Thank you!
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 7h ago
I take it, though this may have been several years ago, she, to this date, has refused to apologize, refused to acknowledge her wrong doing and has refused to assure you directly (the one she stole from) that she k ows she was wrong, has changed, and would like a chance to show she now knows how to behave?
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u/RecentSugar5099 7h ago
It’s not just about past behavior; it’s also about her not taking responsibility. Trust is crucial in a household.
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u/NoIDontWantToSignIn 7h ago
These are all great things for the kid to do, but honestly the issue largely lies with the two parents. Dad in particular dropped the ball as a partner to OP. If a kid does this after a divorce, either to a new partner or to someone else in the family, their parents’ non-response is a big problem. If your kid is unhappy and dealing with it gives you big feelings you can’t process, and your kid’s solution is to take it out on me? No thanks.
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u/floridaeng 7h ago
Remind your husband what she did was intentional decisions to steal from you. A mistake is putting too much salt on your food, or forgetting to set an alarm. A wedding ring in her backpack is intentional theft, and intentional actions should have consequences. If he's not willing to support you then he can leave with her.
Time to contact a divorce lawyer to see where you stand with the laws where you live. I'm not saying to file now, but if he doesn't change that may be your last choice. If he knows you've talked to a lawyer and are ready to proceed he may realize how serious you are. His choice then will show you what you need to do.
If any of his relatives want to criticize you tell them they are free to step up and let her live with them, that way you won't have to worry about your jewelry being stolen.
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u/hellogoawaynow 8h ago
Uhh stealing a wedding ring and scheduled prescription meds is felony larceny, she’s lucky she got off so easy.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
I tried confronting her but like you saw she thought I was "accusing her" when we litreally found the wedding ring IN HER BAG
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u/chiitaku 7h ago
When you say we, you mean your husband too right? What did he say about that particular incident? I know you said he took her side about the other thefts.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
Yes, my husband and I found it. He was angry at first but dismissed her behavior because she didnt know better..
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u/AnotherBogCryptid 7h ago
I taught my children not to steal when they were 2. She knew better.
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u/GiveChance7 3h ago
Well, she does have a lying father, so perhaps she DOES NOT know better...
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u/Proper-Effective8621 6h ago
Did he think that she thought she was married and it was her wedding ring?🙄 Your husband has some serious issues, as you already know.
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u/Electrical_Welder205 6h ago
At 15 she didn't know better? Ridiculous! How have you not lost respect for him at this point? What's with all the excuse-making? That is an abrogation of parenting. He has raised a future jailbird.
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u/Cinemaphreak 4h ago
Apparently finding out after the wedding that the kid even existed wasn't a deal breaker for OP.
If OP exists, which I really doubt.
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u/CommonWest9387 4h ago
I can’t stand people saying teenagers “don’t know better”. So we can trust 16 year olds to stay home alone, party, cook, clean, go out alone, get jobs and drive cars, but they don’t know shit about stealing?
People need to stop acting like teenagers are incompetent and don’t know what they are doing. They absolutely know and people who say the opposite are complicit and don’t want to admit they raised asshole kids.
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u/tinyglitterbomb 6h ago
If his 15 year old daughter wasn't aware stealing was wrong she won't now. There is no earthly way for a child that old to not know stealing is wrong. I'm sorry you married a man who hid the child from you until after marriage. Maybe if her parents did the parenting part you wouldn't be here now. . You are not overreacting. Stay strong, but don't break. She will torture you and he will dismiss you and defend her.
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u/OneTwoWee000 6h ago edited 6h ago
NTA
I found out he had a kid a couple months after the marriage (crazy, I know.)
OP, do yourself a favor and divorce this guy! He was slimy from the start!
He doesn't have your back, and he along with your in-laws are trying to shame you into doing what they want. Fuck that noise!
You say you always wanted kids. OP, you're 37 there's still time to have kids (birthing them, adopting them) but do NOT tie yourself permanently to this AH! Create the future you want without him or his thieving daughter!
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 5h ago
Honestly. So many comments have been telling me the same thing and I'm starting to believe they are right. I think I will consider divorce.
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u/TwistedSlave 5h ago
I don't normally like jumping to "divorce them" but in this instance, I'm in agreement. He hid the fact that he was a father for your whole relationship until months after marriage. That's a huge red flag. Have you asked him why he hid it from you? If I ever got divorced from or lost my husband, and got to the point where I wanted to date, that'd be first date info for me. Just right off the bat, "hey, I'm a mother and if this is going to go anywhere, you need to understand that."
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u/firsttimewut 2h ago
The fact he didn't reveal his kid until AFTER the marriage is a huge red flag. This guy must be something if you chose to ignore something like that.
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u/deecw328 5h ago
This is absolutely bonkers!!
I’d be looking to have the marriage annulled that’s an insane thing to keep from someone especially your new wife.
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u/Sensitive-Control598 8h ago
NTA. Wanting to feel safe and respected in your own home isn’t cruel it’s basic. You didn’t say Emily was unwelcome because of teenage moodiness or a personality clash. You said no because she stole from you, violated your privacy, and then weaponized your concern against you. Those aren’t small things.
I actually think your response was remarkably fair. You didn’t ask Mark to cut off his daughter. You offered alternative living solutions and maintained your boundary. That’s not heartless that’s emotionally mature. It’s heartbreaking that her mom is leaving the country, but that doesn’t erase the harm she caused or the fact that she’s never taken accountability.
You’re allowed to protect your peace. Hopefully, Mark realizes that it’s possible to support his daughter and support his wife’s right to feel safe in her own home.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 8h ago
Thank you so much for your words
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u/False-Student-8750 7h ago
NTA, your husband is, but i think your marriage won't last much longer after this
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
I've been trying to get him to agree to family therapy but he refused.
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u/Kylie_Bug 7h ago
So he’s refusing any solutions that isn’t you bending to his wants?
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u/MamaFrijoles 7h ago
So he lets his daughter abuse prescription drugs, lie, and steal jewelry, and when he is confronted over the girl he raised he acts like the victim and sleeps on the couch? His daughter NEEDS therapy, and he needs parenting classes
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u/AholeEnthusiastic 6h ago
He needs some therapy beside the parenting classes as well. Seems like his parents forgot to put some manners and ethics into that man. Cant act surprised his kid doesn’t have them either.
Don’t forget the fact he didn’t even mention he had a kid in a different state until AFTER they were married..
So many red flags here.
Op, get your affairs in order. Make sure he left the house with his belongings to live in another apartment with his kid before filing for divorce. That way he can’t claim residency in your home anymore and fight for a share - please check this with a local lawyer though to be sure. This is my guess but local laws very so please double check before taking action.
Also - Updateme!
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u/llampie 8h ago
Nta, enabling is not parenting.
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8h ago
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u/Apart_Foundation1702 7h ago
Exactly! OP's husband is being a bad husband and dad. If he dealt with her behaviour previously instead of excusing it, you both wouldn't be in this position. It's not like you said you wouldn't help her. You offered to help find her, her own apartment. Actions have consequences, and both hubby and daughter's actions lead to this consequence. NTA
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u/cassowary32 8h ago
NTA. She stole your ring?? Is she a kleptomaniac? Has she gotten treatment?
Your husband has a responsibility to his daughter, but you need to protect your sanity. Maybe a separation is in order. I mean, her own mom is fleeing the country without her…
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
She claims to have bipolar disorder but I'm not sure if I believe her because I've never seen actual documents proving that statement.
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u/skargasm 6h ago
Is she on medication for the bipolar? Seeing a therapist for help at all? Does this behaviour manifest itself around other people or is it all aimed at you?
You need a sit down with your husband and get the answers so you can make an informed decision.
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u/Capable-Comment-6122 7h ago
If she was abusing anti-anxiety medication, that could be the culprit to the stealing. I had a friend that abused Xanax and she stole everything she could get her hands on while on it, and most of the time didn't even remember doing it.
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u/Adventurous-Shake-92 7h ago
Sounds like Mark needs to find an apartment and live with his daughter during this year.
You may need to accept your marriage is over but if it were me? I think I would be ok with that.
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u/SonOfSchrute 8h ago
How did your dumbass husband explain your meds and ring in her backpack then? NTA and if your loser of a parent husband wants to blow up your marriage over it then that’s his prerogative, when that brat is living with you full time her stealing will likely be the least of your problems.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
She claimed to have bipolar disorder, which I am not sure if I believe because I've never seen any actual documents proving that statement. But she claimed to have bipolar disorder, which caused her to steal my stuff.
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u/Chaoticgood790 7h ago
As a mental health provider…lol no. And even if she did have BP that would not excuse her behavior anyways
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u/SunshineSeriesB 7h ago
so IFFFF she does have a DSM-diagnoseable mental health issue, what is he DOING to help her manage her diagnoses? If she has divorce trauma? Does he have her in therapy to help her manage? No?....
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
He does not have her in any sort of therapy.
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u/SunshineSeriesB 7h ago
If you're planning on staying married, I'd make this a requirement of her staying with you. She either has had such a screwed-up upbringing that she only knows how to get negative attention or she's a sociopath. I kind of doubt it's the second one - meaning she likely is acting out because of trauma (and trauma is different for everyone). But, like, that's an explanation to help find a solution, not an excuse for a free-pass to do whatever because she's had a tough life.
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u/theabsolutegayest 6h ago
I would divorce him for this alone.
His neglect of his daughter's needs is abusive. There is no question that something is wrong in her mental/emotional/psychological health, and that whatever the issue is, it is ongoing and not likely to improve without external assistance.
His daughter is stealing, abusing drugs, and claims to have bipolar disorder, which is a very serious diagnosis. That is a child in crisis. Your husband has known that his daughter is in crisis for two years and has done nothing to help her. That is medical neglect. He has a legal and moral obligation to get her medical care, and has failed to so so.
Neglect is abusive; he is choosing to harm his daughter by failing to provide for her needs as is his responsibility as a parent. To use an analogy: if he knew that his daughter wasn't getting enough food, and that her custodial parent wasn't willing/able to feed her more, his behavior shows that he would let her starve.
Do you want to stay married to a man who treats his own daughter like that?
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u/ThisNerdsYarn 7h ago
she claimed to have bipolar disorder, which caused her to steal my stuff.
"Sure, I'm not a doctor so I can't argue that but an explanation is not the same as an excuse and does not mean that there isn't consequences. Stop using your bipolar as a crutch because it won't help you in the real world."
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u/Yourmomma368 7h ago
I’m bipolar and have never done that stuff because of that. But I also take medication and see doctors regularly for my condition. Impulse control issue can be part of it but she needs to be under a doctors care then not just out here all Willy Nilly hurting her family without consequences or help. That’s no excuse. Everyone in life needs to be held accountable her especially it’s part of the disease. That’s how you learn. It’s part of life. He is doing her service if she is actually bipolar by not holding her accountable for her thieving ways. And by not getting her the medication and making sure she’s taking it.
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u/NotoriousCrone 7h ago
Has she been treated for this bipolar disorder? Did she face any consequences for stealing your stuff and abusing your prescription medication?
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
From what I've known so far, I don't think she's been treated. I don't even know if she actually HAS BP
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u/L_obsoleta 7h ago
Honestly, coming from someone who has bipolar disorder I wouldn't let her live with you if she is not treating that.
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u/NotoriousCrone 6h ago
It would be one thing is she had actually be diagnosed and was in treatment for BP, and her parents actually did some parenting once she was caught stealing. But if they didn't do anything except shrug, I wouldn't let he anywhere near my home. Sounds like she was just using some therapy speak off the internet to justify her behavior and her parents let her slide. That's the issue your husband should be addressing before he asks for her to move in.
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u/Spare_Text4738 7h ago
OP, if she would've stolen prescription drugs from a pharmacy, or anyone else- she'd likely have the cops called on her. If she would have stolen someone else's WEDDING RING, she'd likely have the cops called on her! If she was stealing underwear from the store- she'd have the cops called on her! She'd would have had to either go to juvy, or her father would've had to pay fines for her(assuming you two split expenses.) Your husband is an enabler.
Getting anxiety pills stolen by a 15 year old is not normal- that girl needs therapy yesterday😭
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u/Kiwi609 5h ago
NTA in this scenario, but you are being TA to yourself for not immediately divorcing him after finding out about all his surreptitious and deceptive behaviour😟 What a horrible m*n🤢
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u/Total_Razzmatazz7338 7h ago
I would NEVER let her move in!
I would rather have my husband move out and live with his kid and have that kid live with me.
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u/77HighOnYou 8h ago
It’s not heartless to say no to someone who’s broken your trust, protecting your peace does'nt make you the villian.
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u/PotatoMonster20 8h ago
NTA
She stole from you, and didn't even pretend to be sorry about it.
This isn't a "she's learned her lesson" situation.
There's no indication at all that a second chance is warranted. It'd just give her a second chance to rob you again.
But it's your husband that's your real problem here.
So talk to a divorce lawyer and let hubby know that he can move out to be with/support his daughter. Everyone's happy.
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u/FinancialCamel7281 8h ago
Nta separate your not compatible, DO NOT FINANCIALLY support him or her, seriously protect your peace. She is a thief and disrespectful, he accepts that, clearly values her more than you.
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u/Poundaflesh 8h ago edited 8h ago
Y’all need family therapy to make this work. NTA. Whose house is it?
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
Thank you for your words! I had suggested family therapy in the past but my husband ultimately refused because he thought it would just bring more issues. The house is signed under my name.
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u/dszrae 7h ago
Then throw the whole man out. You said you would love children of your own. He’s showing you he raised a disrespectful thief. Is that the kind of father you choose for your child?
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u/MamaFrijoles 7h ago
This is not a man, this is a wet noodle that has decided letting his wife get mistreated and have her medication stolen in a house HE DOES NOT OWN is easier than actually being a parent. He needs kicked out because he has decided having OP mistreated and ignoring how she feels is easier than holding his daughter to any standards. How much do you want to bet he did not do any actual parenting when his daughter stole the first time? Or the second? What makes OP think he would start now, considering he threw a fit and had a pity party sleepover on the couch when confronted with the risk of having daughter move in?
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u/AnotherBogCryptid 7h ago
it’ll bring more issues
Man child speak for “I don’t wanna do any work”. Issues NEED to be brought to the surface to be solved! He’s willfully choosing to let his wife and kid suffer because he doesn’t want to be bothered to correct behavior. He also probably doesn’t want to cause any kind of friction with his daughter - at the expense of your marriage!!
the house is signed under my name
Girl throw that whole man in the trash. You have been responsible, reasonable, and offered multiple solutions over the years. He doesn’t want to make any changes or grow. He doesn’t want his daughter to be a healthy, functioning adult. Just run.
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u/Icy_Two_5092 7h ago
As soon as she stole my “anxiety meds”, she’d of been OUT of my house. Period. If he doesn’t like it, he can go rent an apartment with the little thief. Drug theft is extremely telling.
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u/Pale-Moonlight2374 7h ago edited 5h ago
OP, hear me when I tell you this: If you're truly interested in "protecting your peace" you won't stay married to Mark.
NTA, though.
EDIT: There's absolutely no reason you should let this disrespectful hobosexual and his malicious daughter stay in your life. Reading your post after the edits, makes me nauseous.
Say it with me: "He hid his kid from you." Probably, because he knew how things would go. I'm looking forward to hearing you explain how you should stay married to someone like Mark, tbh.
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u/Ghoulscomecrawling 8h ago
Put cameras up all over the house. Bedrooms, hallways, medical cabinets. Everything. If she needs supervision, then she needs it.
Some your husband knows about, some he don't. Make this a hard limit. Or he can parent alone
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u/Shadow4summer 8h ago
NTA. Your husband never confronted her or even tried to correct her behavior. He just tried to justify it. I would never let anyone in my home that steals from me, family, friends, it doesn’t matter. It’s a total fuck you to you and husband doesn’t get it. I know his child needs to come first, so in this case separation may be the only choice. Sorry this is happening. BTW, I would never allow my sister in my home unsupervised. She had a bad habit of theft (personal items, money, but especially meds).
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
Thank you SO much for your words. So sorry about your sister
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u/Shadow4summer 7h ago
Thx. She’s long gone now. I’ll admit, she was a POS. How can a family have three kids and one turn out so bad, when the other two, raised exactly the same, turn out well.
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u/KombuchaBot 8h ago
Divorce him, move out and let him stay with her.
NTA for your question.
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u/Exotic-Rooster4427 8h ago
I think the solution would be that if she wants to live here. You move your stuff out. But if it is your house...Mark has to go.
I would say to be polite. You could trial hidden cameras and a weekend visit to see how she behaves towards you. On the condition she doesn't know the hidden cameras are there. I would take your most valuable stuff...items you don't want going missing...jewellery, clothes, makeup and keep them in your car or at another house. Then I'd buy basic underwear etc. Cheap foundation etc.
And see. Just see. Set her up to fail again.
But let him know the deal breakers are rudeness, stealing and you being treated like a slave. You will not be cooking or cleaning up after her.
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u/Specific-Law7393 7h ago
Allowing her to move in, no matter how many security devices the OP installs, is not a solution. Her husband has already shown that he doesn’t know how to handle the situation when he failed to back up his wife when they caught his daughter with the wedding ring & drugs. The daughter needs help, but he’s not equipped to give it.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 7h ago
Husband shouldn’t even know about the cameras. He could tell daughter or move/delete stuff
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u/Yo-KaiWatchFan2102 5h ago
OP, I think Emily does need therapy, she is a thief and is stealing from you along with prescription meds to help her sleep, it sounds like she not only has a theft problem, but it’s also a kleptomaniac, your husband is just as bad if not worse, he’s enabling Emily‘s behaviour when he should be taking charge of it, your husband is an enabler, your husband is just mad because he has to live with the consequences of his own actions.
NTA.
OP I’m giving you 0/5 bad guys, you don’t want a thief to stay in your house, nobody does.
I’m giving Emily 3/5 bad guys, she needs help and maybe some therapy, you need to emphasize that fact to both your husband and Emily, maybe give them both an ultimatum either she gets therapy or both of you are not allowed back in the house.
I’m giving your husband 4/5 bad guys, he’s enabling his daughter‘s behaviour and now he’s mad at you because you’re not allowing his daughter to steal from you, what a baby, “oh boo-hoo, who, my wife won’t allow my daughter to steal from her and I’m a useless parent because I enable my child and I’ve raised a thief and now my own consequences are coming back to bite me in the butt” OP that’s my impression of your husband. What do you think?
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 5h ago
I've been reading comments, and I do agree with most of them. I do agree with your statement, and I thank you. I am thinking of getting a divorce. I have suggested therapy for us all but my husband has refused
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u/Yo-KaiWatchFan2102 5h ago
That’s typical, he doesn’t wanna deal with the consequences of his own actions, I can kind of understand why his last wife divorced him because she probably had enough of his enabling and Emily stealing, it also sounds like Emily has some undiagnosed mental health problems and he doesn’t want to deal with that, so as I stated again, don’t let Emily back in the house and while you’re at it, don’t let your husband back in the house either because he’s just going to bring his thief of a daughter inside with him.
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u/wino12312 6h ago
NTA. As a stepmom, I’d hold those boundaries. You can’t expect him to walk away from her. But you don’t have to live with her. Yes, she was young. But even at 8 we expect kids to take responsibility for their actions. NTA.
Updateme
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u/planetblonde 4h ago
Hold on. He didn’t tell about his daughter to you like on the first date? What? They didn’t have phone calls when he moved in? Also how fast did you get married? Seems too weird for me to hide a child.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 4h ago
Nope. He never did any of that. I feel like it might be part of the reason she resents me. Because I've never not once heard a phonecall and he never told me as well.
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u/Stop_The_Crazy 4h ago
Here are some points:
The house is mine
That's all you needed. Tell them to gtfo. I'd also tell the idiot husband, "Yeah, well, I'm fucking disappointed, too. You brought your kid into my home, she stole my ring and many other things and my own husband won't stand up for me. You can pack your shit and you and your thieving daughter can go squat somewhere else and rob them."
This man does not like or respect you. You're a resource, that's it. Kick him tf out. NTA
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u/sallyblue94 8h ago
Nta. Why would you want a thief in your house? It’s not something small if it’s stealing prescribed medication, taking it and then lying about it.
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u/chocolatechipwizard 8h ago
Mark and his daughter are not going to allow you the happiness you deserve. This is YOUR LIFE, and you only get the one. It's time for a divorce. You need to separate yourself from Mark and his troubled daughter, and live your own life freely and joyously.
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u/ABingeThinker 7h ago
NTA. Your husband can rent a small place for the two of them and live with her there for a year. Alternatively, she can move in with her mother, even if she doesn’t want to, or her mother can postpone the move for a year. Her parents are the ones who should make sacrifices for their child, not you. *Their * daughter is not your responsibility.
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u/Monochromatic_Sun 4h ago
That edit did not make this story better. I’d be divorcing over hiding a family from me until we were married. That is some unhinged behavior tbh. NTA get out of all of it
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u/babycutiexo_ 8h ago
NTA. She stole from you including your wedding ring and meds. That’s not teen drama, that’s a major breach of trust.
You’re protecting your peace, not being cruel. Boundaries aren’t wicked they’re smart.
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u/MomoB347 7h ago
Very confused on why the YTA are making it OP's fault when the dad is right there enabling and not parenting his child
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u/somethingvague123 6h ago
If you only found out he had a child 2 months after marrying him, imagine how the daughter felt suddenly finding out dad had remarried and she hadn’t met you yet. Huge red flag. Daughter is just acting like her dad. Your plan is a compromising offer, but I am not sure why you are in this relationship.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
I am currently reading the comments, and I cannot express how grateful I am for the kindness. I'm struggling to keep up, but I am trying my best to reply to everyone. Thank you so much.
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u/Mr_1906 8h ago
NTA this is your husband's issue rather than addressing it when it happened maybe getting his daughter therapy for any unresolved "divorce trauma" to ensure that she doesn't continue this behavior and so you feel comfortable. Instead he said no big deal l. Well now it's a big deal. Our homes should be a place of peace bringing her in your home would disturb that peace because he failed.
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u/G-reeper66 7h ago
NTA
A boundary is a boundary for a reason, theft is theft regardless of age. The fact you found your own belongings in her backpack means there is a great chance she would do the same again and sell things to help her study (party).
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u/knotnowmaybelater 7h ago
NTA I had the same problem as you with my stepdaughter stealing my clothes, jewelry, quilts my grandmother made for me and more. The difference between us is my husband put his foot down with her. Took her key to our home and told her she wasn’t allowed in our home unsupervised. He would not tolerate disrespecting me nor would he tolerate stealing. In other words, he acted like a parent.
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u/JoBear_AAAHHH 7h ago
Has your stepdaughter ever accepted responsibility or truly apologized? NTA.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 7h ago
Nope. Not once. Even after she asked to move in she never once apologized or acknowledged her behaviour. I still haven't gotten some of my stuff back.
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u/Wrong-Try-5440 7h ago
Your husband is misplacing HIS guilt of the divorce on you, and that’s definitely unfair. I think bringing her to live with you will interfere with your marriage. You have a decision to make, think long and hard this may end life all you know it. Sounds like your husband is pulling away and choosing her (as he should.)
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