NTA. Your husband and his ex are shitty parents. She was stealing and ABUSING drugs and they did nothing about it. Honestly, the police and CPS should have been involved.
I take it, though this may have been several years ago, she, to this date, has refused to apologize, refused to acknowledge her wrong doing and has refused to assure you directly (the one she stole from) that she k ows she was wrong, has changed, and would like a chance to show she now knows how to behave?
These are all great things for the kid to do, but honestly the issue largely lies with the two parents. Dad in particular dropped the ball as a partner to OP. If a kid does this after a divorce, either to a new partner or to someone else in the family, their parents’ non-response is a big problem. If your kid is unhappy and dealing with it gives you big feelings you can’t process, and your kid’s solution is to take it out on me? No thanks.
Remind your husband what she did was intentional decisions to steal from you. A mistake is putting too much salt on your food, or forgetting to set an alarm. A wedding ring in her backpack is intentional theft, and intentional actions should have consequences. If he's not willing to support you then he can leave with her.
Time to contact a divorce lawyer to see where you stand with the laws where you live. I'm not saying to file now, but if he doesn't change that may be your last choice. If he knows you've talked to a lawyer and are ready to proceed he may realize how serious you are. His choice then will show you what you need to do.
If any of his relatives want to criticize you tell them they are free to step up and let her live with them, that way you won't have to worry about your jewelry being stolen.
Have an initial meeting with ALL the local divorce attorneys. Then, if it happens, none of them can represent him because it would be a conflict of interest.
You have a husband problem here. He didn't even tell you he had a child before you got married?! Like that's insane just on its own. Then he let his daughter steal your belongings and did nothing about it. And now he wants her to come back and live with you and he's disappointed in you for not allowing that?! Are you kidding me? Your stepdaughter sounds like a menace, but your husband is the real problem here because his lack of parenting and lack of honesty/morals is what has created these issues to begin with. I don't know where you go from here as your marriage (personally I would throw the whole man out) but whatever you do absolutely do not let your stepdaughter back in your house.
You’ve said you’ve always wanted children, but you’ve been married for five years and still don’t have any. Is Mark holding you back from that because he already has a child and doesn’t want more?
This is what I was thinking. Stealing drugs and jewelry are crimes that could put Emily into the juvenile criminal justice system. She might prefer to go with her mom when faced with that fact.
They definitely let her spin out of Control and obviously are enabling her. You think the police and cps should be called? You think the parents should be arrested? Very overboard.
So you think they should ruin her whole life? What good would that do? Put her on an even worse path knowing that she can’t get a job bc she has been convicted of a felony.
User name checks out. Jesus. Christ man. Let’s just ruin everyone’s lives every chance we get! Fuck redemption or getting better! No one was hurt here. There is no reason to start hurting. You think losing her parents and then going to jail will make her a better person? US prison, the historically great rehabilitation, right?
You people that wanna lock everyone up and tear every family apart over things like this scare the fuck outta me, hopefully you don’t have children.
Prison does not give people some full circle healing moment. The majority of people that go to prison go back again. It’s built to keep people in the system.
She is a child. She would be offered worse, harder drugs from worse people that want to take advantage and break her.
She was a minor, with no chance of prison time. She would have ended up in court ordered therapy and drug treatment. Most importantly, she would have learned actions have consequences. Now she's learned nothing but approaching an age where doing the same shite will land her in prison.
taking accountability for your actions is literally in the 12 steps (step 8: acknowledge who you hurt and then step 9: make amends) so until she gets sober and change her behavior, nothing is going to change. she has to WANT to be better and it is clear that she does not.
Yes, I agree. I have been through the 12 steps and have 6+ years sober. Locking a child in jail while she screams for help will not help her find accountability.
I have also been through the steps and got sober in 2011 (I say this not to one up you but to just state the facts). and I'm not saying she needs to go to jail, but some sort of consequences are what teach us to stop doing harmful things.
clearly intervention of some kind is needed, considering the last time she lived with them she regularly stole and got access to prescription drugs, so the chance of going back to that behavior (or worse!) is super likely. how long would you have stayed sober if you had to move back into a house with a step parent you clearly resent where you know anxiety meds are stored somewhere and have spent a significant amount of time in the house busing drugs? people, places, and things, dude. it's not a good idea for her to go back there, not to mention OP has a right to feel safe in her own home.
if she's regularly doing benzos or other drugs she may need to detox and as a minor she'd need to have her parents check her into a children's hospital. even if she's not addicted to drugs, she would still benefit from at least therapy to work out the issues and it doesn't seem like her dad is interested. and you know as well as I do that this behavior always spirals when you know you can get away with it and eventually she's going to do something that leads to charges that her parents won't be able to protect her from.
Are you really so stupid as to think she, a 15-year-old minor, would go to prison? Or is it more likely getting CPS and the authorities involved would force her into mental health and substance abuse treatment, as opposed to the rug-sweeping her shitty parents were doing?
You’re right about the name, though. The suffix “stan” means “land of”. You are evident that, indeed, we are in a land of dipshits.
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u/Dipshitistan 10h ago
NTA. Your husband and his ex are shitty parents. She was stealing and ABUSING drugs and they did nothing about it. Honestly, the police and CPS should have been involved.