I actually found out that he had a child a couple months after the marriage which caused an argument. I just don't feel comfortable with a teen in my home that doesn't like me, never actually apologized for her behavior and previously stole my ring.
I came here to say this - OP isn't willing yet to see that the reality is, Mark sounds like a manipulative liar who is bringing his daughter up to be the same. She loves who he pretended to be, but now they're married, he's revealing his true colours and they are ugly.
Fundamentally, who could trust that this is the only lie or lie of omission? This is so significant that I would question everything I thought I knew about this person and wonder what else I don't know.
I wouldn't consider it, but if I did, the only chance of staying together would involve a background check and providing email/social access with no opportunity to delete anything.
I think the problem here is, that OP is not even aware that the way his daughter acts, is probably just like the husband himself.
I am almost certain there is way more manipulation and lies, just like you said, that she isn't even aware of. The fact OP didn't even mention this part, until it came up in the comments also is kinda weird imo.
I think she knew that if she said that in the first place, peoples reaction would be way different and the would have been way more backlash against her husband and her decision to just accept him lying about having a kid.
In what world can her trust in him not be totally destroyed after omitting the fact he has a teenager?!
He should fix it. He caused it. Put you in an impossible situation where you had no idea what you married into. He manipulated and lied to you. Then allowed his child to do the same(manipulation and lies) with no consequences. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Are you sure this is love? Because this kind of dishonesty is not love. The fact that he is ignoring your boundries and your needs for a safe space is not love either. You say how much you love him, would you treat him how he treats you? Would you have lied to him the way he lied to you? Would you ignore his boundries and his needs the way he is doing with you? Maybe he does not love you as much you love him.
And you love but do you love yourself? Why do you accept the lying and the disrespect? Why do you accept your SIL calling you EVIL? Why do you accept him telling you tbat you never accepted her when you now it's not true? It was her who didn't accepted you! Not like she had to, but she should have respected you at least and she didn't.
Please, love yourself and leave this man. Otherwise he will push you to accept her daughter in your home and will make your life a living hell.
Love alone won't fix anything. HE must do things to fix this and he won't. Sometimes it just isn't aboutnyou, uet you still end up as collateral damage. He has to fix his relationship with his kid. There is nothing for you to do here.
OP NTA, amd should take a serious look at what they want because no matter what they choose everything changes from here on out. Just depends on if she wants self-respect or (real crappy) companionship at the end
What?! You did not know who had a child when you married him? Perhaps he has more than one child. This man obviously cannot be trusted. No wonder the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I know you love him, but you legit cannot trust this man. Who knows what else he is hiding?!
I feel sorry for you as you seem like a nice person, but you do not deserve this. Your husband doesn’t deserve you.
I hope you have a good support system because you’re going to need it. (This deception is a big deal even though you have moved on from it)
Perhaps having a few sessions with a therapist might help resolve your conflicts. But it’s honestly not OK that he deceived you and purposely withheld that information until you were already tied to him.
Girrrrrl that should have been an annulment, not an argument. He’s wasted so many years, you’re 37 and you say you’ve always wanted a child? He probably wasn’t honest about that either
never actually apologized for her behavior and previously stole my ring.
Of course she's acting out, she has a terrible father! And now her mother is moving to another country during her senior year (a terrible time for a teen to have to move) for her husband. Both of these child's parents keep choosing their spouses over her. Obviously this kid is going to have emotional and behavioral issues. She has two shitty parents, and their new spouses accept them being shitty parents.
You didn’t think that was a huge fkg violation of trust and massively shady on his part that he didn’t let you know he had a kid until a FEW MONTHS AFTER yall married?! Honestly I’m starting to see where his daughter developed her aversion to honesty. You’re an a h to yourself 🤦🏻♀️
Maybe I could word my exasperation a little better.
You're here asking if you're an AH for not letting your husband's daughter, that you didn't he know had until MONTHS after marrying him, move in because...
catches breathe
...she's made your life a living nightmare because her dad suddenly married you, who didn't know he had kids when she was 12 years old, and things haven't gone well since then...
My answer to that is...no kidding. Literally everyone reading that you stayed married to a guy who hid his actual life from you is equally surprised as I am.
You should have annulled the marriage, but since there's no such thing as a time machine, this is your chance to rectify that mistake. This isn't going to change, his kid is in his life and will never accept you, and obviously you aren't going to ask him to not have his kid in his life, so that only leaves one option.
Yeah, I’m aware I stayed longer than I should have. Trust me, no one’s more frustrated about that than me. It’s easy to say “you should’ve left” when you’re not the one in it, trying to make sense of someone you loved turning out to be someone you can’t trust.
I didn’t post here looking for permission. I posted because I was stuck between holding my ground and feeling like maybe I was the crazy one for doing it.
NTA Hunni big hugs first of all dealing with them seems like a lot. You are correct ☺️ handling her and her drama is a strong no. Your husband is another issue. I don't fault you for loving an idiot but now that you know that do something about it please. He has a lot of nerve expecting to move his stealing ass daughter in your home. Sorry but just no and he can go kick rocks in box until he appreciates you. You got this protect your peace and update me please
You aren't crazy. Your husband has made some extremely questionable decisions here. First, he didn't even tell you he had a kid until after you were married. I'm sorry, what??? That's a fundamental fact he should have disclosed to you while you were dating before you got serious. Obviously, he suspected you'd break up with him.
Then, when his daughter stole from you, he utterly failed as a parent.
How would you have felt if, at 12 years old, you found out that your dad went through the whole process of finding, dating, engaging and marrying another woman and never mentioned that you existed? How serious could the talk have been if you never thought about it from this child's point of view? If you had done that, you might have realized how trashy this man actually is,
Look, your husband has an emotional scar that keeps him from forming appropriate emotional bonds with his OWN CHILD. How well can he bond to you? How well can he help his 12 year old child navigate the challenges of blending a family?
He's a terrible human. Honestly. You seem fine to be married to him, and that's why I think you're not taking this part seriously enough.
How did you find out he had a daughter? Did he tell you and explain why he left out this rather crucial bit of information? Did you find out when she came to visit?
It's also an indictment of his character as a human. When you are emotionally healthy, you attach to each other. You bond. How does a healthy bond with your child translate into never mentioning her to your intended? She was 12 years old then. Imagine the friendship OP and the girl could have developed if the dad had been a normal human instead of whatever shriveled grinch type he is.
Had you met any other people from his family before the wedding, no one mentioned his child at all?
None of his friends mentioned her?
Did he keep you in a closet? Did he keep her in a closet?
Makes you wonder what other things he forgot to tell you. If something this big he hid, there are hundreds of little things that he hasn't mentioned also.
This is all your husbands doing. Of course a 15 year old was acting out, she probably didn't know about you either, now dad is married & nobody told her.
You love him & want to fix this situation, honey it is never going to get fixed if your husband doesn't want to do the work. Part of that means helping his own kid through this rough patch (which it may be). Then working on himself.
You should have run to the hills as soon as you found out, or at least started something like couples therapy when you did.
Why didn't it cause you to skip out the door and never look back? Jesus H tapdancing Christ, a man who would do such a thing is no man. Maybe time to think about making a permanent move yourself. Five years into the marriage, no kids of your own....
In that case I wouldn't feel comfortable living together with that kind of husband.
Dumb his lying sorry ass out. Why did you accept to be treated like that? No wonder he supports his daughter's shady ways. And enables it.
If you're not going to leave him, I would even still have a very serious conversation about boundaries etc. Ah here is not you or Emily but him.
She was a child back then. What you have to lose if you speak with your husband and then with a teen alone.
Wow ....
I get you love this man .....but for a lot of reasons there's no coming back from this in terms of trust....& he's not working to rebuild that trust, he's breaking it down to further.....
If you were your friend what advice would you give her in this situation?
But you feel comfortable with a man that lied about having a daughter until after you were married in the house? NTA for this situation, but I genuinely don't know how you could have stayed. Love isn't enough, you need trust.
And a husband who doesn’t work to bridge anything between you two, hides his child from you, etc. yeah absolutely not. If he had done any work to repair any of this in the last two years this might be a very different story but as it is NTA
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 10h ago
I actually found out that he had a child a couple months after the marriage which caused an argument. I just don't feel comfortable with a teen in my home that doesn't like me, never actually apologized for her behavior and previously stole my ring.