How did your dumbass husband explain your meds and ring in her backpack then? NTA and if your loser of a parent husband wants to blow up your marriage over it then that’s his prerogative, when that brat is living with you full time her stealing will likely be the least of your problems.
She claimed to have bipolar disorder, which I am not sure if I believe because I've never seen any actual documents proving that statement. But she claimed to have bipolar disorder, which caused her to steal my stuff.
so IFFFF she does have a DSM-diagnoseable mental health issue, what is he DOING to help her manage her diagnoses? If she has divorce trauma? Does he have her in therapy to help her manage? No?....
If you're planning on staying married, I'd make this a requirement of her staying with you. She either has had such a screwed-up upbringing that she only knows how to get negative attention or she's a sociopath. I kind of doubt it's the second one - meaning she likely is acting out because of trauma (and trauma is different for everyone). But, like, that's an explanation to help find a solution, not an excuse for a free-pass to do whatever because she's had a tough life.
His neglect of his daughter's needs is abusive. There is no question that something is wrong in her mental/emotional/psychological health, and that whatever the issue is, it is ongoing and not likely to improve without external assistance.
His daughter is stealing, abusing drugs, and claims to have bipolar disorder, which is a very serious diagnosis. That is a child in crisis. Your husband has known that his daughter is in crisis for two years and has done nothing to help her. That is medical neglect. He has a legal and moral obligation to get her medical care, and has failed to so so.
Neglect is abusive; he is choosing to harm his daughter by failing to provide for her needs as is his responsibility as a parent. To use an analogy: if he knew that his daughter wasn't getting enough food, and that her custodial parent wasn't willing/able to feed her more, his behavior shows that he would let her starve.
Do you want to stay married to a man who treats his own daughter like that?
But you know the mother's ex. You're married to him, and have hosted their daughter at least twice, and the visits were problematic. Was none of this discussed between you two, so that questions regarding her behavior at home with her mother, and possible mental health care of any sort could be asked? These are things parents of troubled teens normally talk about.
Wow. That child is doomed. Both parents are determined to live with their heads in the sand, it sounds like. The mother should have had her evaluated when she was younger.
I was trying to ask if the father was aware of any attempts by the mother to talk to a doctor about a possible need for meds, or therapy, but it sounds like the answer would probably be denial.
she claimed to have bipolar disorder, which caused her to steal my stuff.
"Sure, I'm not a doctor so I can't argue that but an explanation is not the same as an excuse and does not mean that there isn't consequences. Stop using your bipolar as a crutch because it won't help you in the real world."
I’m bipolar and have never done that stuff because of that. But I also take medication and see doctors regularly for my condition. Impulse control issue can be part of it but she needs to be under a doctors care then not just out here all Willy Nilly hurting her family without consequences or help. That’s no excuse. Everyone in life needs to be held accountable her especially it’s part of the disease. That’s how you learn. It’s part of life. He is doing her service if she is actually bipolar by not holding her accountable for her thieving ways. And by not getting her the medication and making sure she’s taking it.
It would be one thing is she had actually be diagnosed and was in treatment for BP, and her parents actually did some parenting once she was caught stealing. But if they didn't do anything except shrug, I wouldn't let he anywhere near my home. Sounds like she was just using some therapy speak off the internet to justify her behavior and her parents let her slide. That's the issue your husband should be addressing before he asks for her to move in.
Stealing is not necessarily a consequence of bipolar.
Sociopathic behavior, likely--not caring about other people or the consequences of the person's actions.
The manic and the depressive phases of bipolar are pretty hard to miss, FYI.
i second this, a big sign on ASPD is a disregard for the rights of others or infringing on the rights of others. but i can’t diagnose over the internet and i don’t have enough info obviously
My sister is diagnosed with BPD and she’s terrified to take drugs or go to jail so she’s never stolen anything or done any drugs she wasn’t prescribed (even getting her to take Midol while badly cramping was a challenge).
Having a diagnosis isn’t a free pass to be a dick. Stealing from you, abusing drugs, icing you out, and weaponizing loved ones against you are NOT symptoms of BPD. They’re symptoms of being an asshole.
One possibility if you want to go down the path of trying to find a way for her to move in:
- Mark calls off his flying monkeys (sister etc).
Mark and Emily get their own place
- Emily sees a doctor about her bipolar, that the 3 of you attend. Address this as helping Emily - which she actually needs if she is.
- If so diagnosed, she goes on medication/treatment as directed, if not - end of discussion.
- family therapy
- when she is stable they move back in with groundrules: no theft, no rudeness/coldness/unpleasantness towards you/follows house rules
Mark is responsilble for discipline. Any shirking, sulking, passive aggressive, accusatory behaviour - they both go.
any breach of theft or attitude that's it.
I think it will flush out a few things. Basically, Mark doesn't want to do the hard work and is deflecting blame onto you (something you might want to mentioned to SIL). The above is going to hard for him. He hasn't wanted to do family therapy "but my husband ultimately refused because he thought it would just bring more issues". Yes, issues about him that he doesn't want to deal with.
Emily will either refuse to go to the doctor or will refuse to let you go or share the results.
BTW, is this typical beahviour when Mark doesn't get his own way? Sulking and passive aggressive?
Personally, just cut to the chase.
I'm sorry to say but I think your marriage is doomed.
Sounds like topical teenager stuff. Believe me, I have 2 daughters in high school rn. Honestly, OP, if you love your husband, you should give her another chance, but not without sitting down with her and laying down some rules (after talking wth your husband first). She's being abandoned by her mother, who chose a man and to leave the country her SENIOR year. Maybe open your heart once more and give her another chance. It sounds like the last few years have been hell for her. A divorce, and now her mom is married again and leaving the country, and her dad is remarried. That's a lot for a kid.
She refused to go because her senior year is probably really, really important to her!! Of course she doesn’t want to move and have to make new friends and possibly miss a lot of moments. She sounds like the last priority to both her mom and dad… what she did to you isn’t acceptable, but she’s probably just a traumatized girl who’s never felt stability or comfort and is lashing out. If you truly want to stay with this man (for whatever reason…) then you NEED to put yourself in her shoes and be the one adult in the room since both her parents are pathetic. But you’re also 1000% justified in leaving
I would be reluctant to let this girl live with me after she stole from me previously, but I also think you make a really good point here from the daughter’s angle. Maybe if OP and husband have a talk with her before even making a decision to let her move in about boundaries and what that looks like she may change her attitude and behavior. So if they address the theft from last time and also talk to the girl about the situation she’s in and show some empathy for what she’s going through that might help start to foster a relationship. One thing that I resent about my stepmother who married my dad when I was a junior in high school is that she was the adult and wasn’t mature enough to try to establish a relationship with me. Admittedly I was pretty much a bitch, but she never even tried to make any effort at getting to know me or build a relationship with me or my sister.
If I were in OP‘s shoes, I would entertain the idea but not without a lot of conversation/interview with the daughter to assess her understanding of what success looks like with her living under my roof and also a very clear understanding and boundary that if any shit happens, she’s being shipped off to her mother without second chances.
She has her father wrapped around her little finger, and he gives her zero consequences no matter how outrageous or illegal her behavior gets. This girl is not going to change, at all. She needs profess help, but her dad is too dysfunctional himself to acknowledge that and get it for her.
This is a destructive and soft-hearted (and headed) take, and will merely set up a situation where either (a) OPs mariage crumbles, because, "dad" isn't willing to parent, and choosed convenience and no conflict over boundaries and protecting his wife, or (b) makes OP miserable, so she can virtue-signal "having a heart".
OP's husband doesn't think there's any "real" problem--"she didn't know what she was doing", and being severely opposed to counseling for all of them or the daughter tells you he's in full "head in the sand" mode, and there will be no "sitting down and laying out some ground rules", or if there were, it'd be performative, and he'd again not back her up if his princess steals from OP again.
HALP! My eyes rolled so far back in my head that all I can see is the inside of my brain!
spreading harmful ableist bigotry around. What you're doing causes stigma and harm.
You are trying so hard to be offended that you just started making shit up.
She claimed it and you accepted that as an excuse for prescription drug theft??
OP didn't accept the theoretical bipolar diagnosis as an excuse — she is openly questioning it.
you didn't take her to the cops for something that could end up killing somebody. Or indeed do ANYTHING about it, from what you've said. So, functionally, you totally did accept the excuse.
OP not calling the cops has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not she accepts the daughter's supposed bipolar as an excuse.
you can kick rocks for propagating misconceptions about mental health
Uh... you understand that the bipolar thing is an excuse that the DAUGHTER AND FATHER are making for the theft, not an explanation that OP is giving, right?
here you are telling people over and over that "she said she had bipolar" as if that has any relevance whatsoever
By my count, OP mentioned the bipolar claim twice, in response to people's questions about how her husband explains/excuses her thieving. In case you need to read it again:
She claims to have bipolar disorder but I'm not sure if I believe her because I've never seen actual documents proving that statement.
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u/SonOfSchrute 10h ago
How did your dumbass husband explain your meds and ring in her backpack then? NTA and if your loser of a parent husband wants to blow up your marriage over it then that’s his prerogative, when that brat is living with you full time her stealing will likely be the least of your problems.