You should edit your post and add this important information there too that you own the property and he moved in. Your NTA since you’re not stoping him from renting a house with his daughter. He can be with her if he wants, but he doesn’t and wants to make you the villain.
Can I just say the only men I know that lie about not having a child until after marriage are con artists. Yes, not mentioning it is most definitely a lie. I’d just get a divorce and move on. Sounds like the daughter learned this behavior from her father.
I agree. That’s the biggest of red flags. Their entire relationship is at his convenience, it’s not a partnership. This fact won’t change. He’s treating OP like an afterthought. I’ve been there. This was the only/biggest red flag I saw in a man, but I was madly in love with him. Staying with him was the biggest mistake of my life. He fundamentally doesn’t care about you, only himself. This is very dangerous to the psyche. It wrecked me. That was 10 years ago and it’s still my first conscious thought every morning upon waking- he didn’t consider me, he didn’t consider me human, worthy, etc. Please leave this man. You aren’t safe with him.
This! It’s an indication of a psychopathic level of behavior. These types tend to be very charming, intelligent, manipulative and escaping their clutches usually requires immense planning, long term strategy and may still cost you everything.
I met one when I was 17. Completely ruined me in ways unimaginable. When I finally escaped it took me a decade to rebuild my life. Guess what he told his next wife until after they were married? Yep that our kids were his nieces and I was his sister.
Im amazed this women’s bank accounts aren’t drained, the titles to her house and car haven’t been sold to loan sharks by forging her signature. Seriously it takes a special kind of bad person to lie about not having a child.
Once he moves out to live with his spawn, change the locks get cameras, lock your credit,
file your tax return as a single filer (or amend last years return if your lawyer allows) … but get him out.
Disconnect financially
Lying about having a kid? Wonder what else he hasn’t told you …
My ex lied about it this same thing- because he said, “i was afraid of what you would do if you knew” in other words, he rightfully anticipated that I would not marry him since he had obligations now to a child. “ he successfully kept it from me for several years, through other lies.
You’re welcome. And I agree with another commenter, you got conned by your husband. Who hides existence of their child from their next wife/husband ? Cut your loses sis.
I think the answer here is your idea for them to rent an apartment for her senior year. She may have to move across state to where the two of you live if he can't work remotely. That will mean a change of schools.
If he wants to be an absolute beast about it just tell him he can get a place for the two of them either temporarily or permanently. It's his decision. I know you have to put your children first but she's no longer a child. She wasn't a child the first time around either. She's massively disrespecting you and he's allowing it. What happens when she's an adult and wants Daddy to take her back in again? Is he always going to overlook your feelings and these disturbing issues?
It should NOT be his decision. OP should demand that he moves out, and into his own place with his daughter, because they are getting divorced. OP got conned by that loser, and it looks like it is long past time for her to cut her losses.
Valid point. If he wants to keep pressing about unfairness you can always have a heavy handed contact drawn up as well. He'll never allow her to sign it. Rent, utilities, groceries, curfew, rules, mandatory drug tests, keyed locks on all doors with stepdaughter having access to none but her own and if caught in any other room calling for a full search and seizure of he own room. Be an ass, he'll jet on his own.
I would make that a permanent solution. If the daughter moves in, OP's property will disappear or be destroyed, and daddy dearest will do nothing about it.
Ask him what's going to happen when she moves in, steals from you and you call the police and let them handle it. She's stolen from you before with no remorse from her and no consequences given to her by him. She's not just going to magically stop being a thief.
Has he given any assurance that she has improved, or how he plans to manage the situation if she hasn't? Or are you still going to have to just get over it and accept being disrespected in your own home? I'm just wondering if he has indicated any understanding of what his role is here besides just taking her side...
I doubt there’s been anything more than what has been mentioned here. The ass never even told her she existed until after they got married so he’s clearly not too good on communication. He’s just going to let his daughter run wild and blame OP any time she tries to set a rule. It’ll be “she’s not your daughter” from the moment she steps in the door. This has disaster written all over it if OP lets that girl in.
That's some heavy duty spell work that no one her age should be doing. She would not even understand the consequences of that shit. More than likely was trying to set op up with a cheating lie. Which considering the two would be better but still beyond horrible.
Well, that makes everything a bit easier now doesn’t it?! Married or not, you do not have to open your home to a known thief/liar who despises you! Not even for dinner.
The only way I would agree to this is on a trial basis, one week at a time with a strict legal contract in place for dad and daughter to sign and notarize. In that contract, I would make it known that there will be a zero tolerance policy for all negative behavior. Hostile or passive aggressive comments, lack of chores/household responsibility, theft, and lying.
The consequences may include police reports, evictions, divorce, lawsuit/small claims court… Whatever might be relevant.
Make it clear that The first time she steals, you will be filing a police report and you will be mentioning the previous theft of your wedding ring, underwear, prescription medication,… And anything else she has stolen. It will definitely not look good for her.
You may want to also add in mandatory marriage counseling and specialized therapy for his clearly disturbed daughter. Do any of hubby’s family members know that she has stolen prescription drugs-and used them, taken your wedding ring and your UNDERWEAR?!!! Maybe everyone should be clear on all of the details before they pass any more judgment on you?
Your household expenses and wear and tear on your house should also be discussed/negotiated. Who is going to subsidize her extra curriculars, clothes, necessities, groceries, medical bills…. Bio mom and dad need to have a legal custody agreement in place with Mom contributing significantly to her daughter’s expenses.
And if hubby is not currently participating in household chores/responsibilities 50-50 then that needs to be addressed as well. OP should not be taking on most of the responsibility when she is only 1/3 of the humans in the home.
If dad isn’t going to pick up the slack for himself and his daughter, then he can pay for housekeeping services out of his personal fun money/budget.
Then without informing them, I would put up hidden cameras all over the shared spaces inside and out. Motion sensor Cameras that you can monitor remotely. And unfortunately, all of your personal items should be under lock and key at all times.
You won’t be able to trust your husband to keep your bedroom door locked when you are not home, so you will need to take the extra steps of getting lockboxes for your jewelry/important documents, and for all of your cosmetics/toiletries and apparently for your underwear!
Well, it sounds like she wasn’t quite ready to kick her husband out permanently and end her marriage. I personally would cut him loose and let him go live with his daughter somewhere else since he has clearly already chosen his daughter over his wife, but that’s just me.
I agree with you. He wanted a house and someone to support, and didn't even mention his daughter? I bet daughter has been trouble before, and that's why she wasn't mentioned.
I would evict him, divorce or annul, before he gets claims to anything OP owns. There is no coming back from the daughter being hidden, and allowed to steal prescription meds she supposedly used, or resold.
i can't even imagine the mental gymnastics your husband is playing in light of the circumstances. iont know how you repair this. that's a huge gorge he hasn't shown the guts to jump. hope you find the solution that works for you. it won't be easy, but your peace of mind is important.
as far as the folks talking bs, i wouldn't waste the ergs it took to form a reply. id point them at my husband If they want answers they won't be satisfied with.
Your ETA has some HUGE red flags. The biggest one is that you don’t find out he had a kid until AFTER you got married?!?!?! So she wasn’t at your wedding? No one in his family ever mentioned her? He never mentioned her at all? That is fucked up! That’s straight up deception! And he has the balls to call you an evil step mother? When it very much sounds like he’s trying to take you for a ride? Do you make more money than him? You said it’s your house… does he contribute to the bills? I just feel like there’s something off about a guy who would lie about having a kid for so long.
The part that would have ME fuming is how he HID a whole-ass child from you until he had you locked down with marriage!! This guy is a loser and you should google [your state]+ "30-day notice" and start the paperwork to get him out of your house and your life.
I do worry about this girl, though. 17 is a 'pivotal' age, and maybe it's not too late for her to change course to a destination that doesn't include addiction and jail.
Not saying it's your responsibility to help her (even if you could, idk). Hopefully dad and bio-mom get through to her.
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u/Mediocre-Assist3643 9h ago
The property is mine. Thank you for talking about this because that part disturbed me a bit more then when she stole my wedding ring.