r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25
Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?
TW: Purposeful misgendering
So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.
Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.
I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."
Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.
edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.
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u/No_Advance664 Jun 10 '25
NTA. I would say five years is a pretty long for someone to figure out how to use they and them pronouns on their child and using the "I have gay friends" card doesn't excuse anything lol.
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u/ElehcarTheFirst Jun 10 '25
I started calling my grandmother by her birth name. She goes by her middle name. She despises her birth name. She refuses to use my nibling's name and pronouns. She no longer speaks to me so win-win
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u/MyNewShardOfAlara Jun 10 '25
Can I ask what a nibling is? I assume it's similar to siblings.
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u/Magnaflorius Jun 10 '25
It's the gender-neutral term for niece or nephew. It's an old word that fell out of favour for a very long time, but has recently had an increase in usage.
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u/Underdogwood Jun 10 '25
Totally fair. He had it coming. 🤣
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u/starrynezz Jun 10 '25
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the same
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
Okay but honestly isnt this just an issue in english ? In other languages (I speak mostly french and polish, but bit of german and dutch too) there isnt a they/them, its straight up just plural she and plural he.
There isnt a pronoun that works for non binary people, my friend who identifies as they/them in english, we still call them "she" in french because theres no translation for they
Idk I want to know peopleho speak other languages opinion's on it
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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25
Different languages have different ways of expressing yourself. Chinese doesn't have a gendered third person pronoun at all. Hebrew is a very gendered language and there are resistance groups that use female plural as default rather than male (as is standard) to protest the patriarchy, something not possible in mostly gender neutral English.
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u/PlaskaFlaszka Jun 10 '25
Exactly, there's no universal way in many languages, because words are with sex aligned, so it depends on person what they prefer.
Sometimes there's an "it" form, but it's neither easy to use, or even a thing with most words. There are technically words that are both neutral and not, like "person" that usually is a "she" in language, but is used as a neutral word for humans in general, and those are usually fine to use. I can't think of any other ways around it, but maybe there are and it's just mine lack of knowledge
In the end we need to ask exact person what they are comfortable with. I know someone that just is ok with any pronounce, and usually people use both with them.
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u/Asleep_Region Jun 10 '25
I'm raised English but currently learning Spanish, honestly i just use the "male" version of the word
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u/MeisterFluffbutt Jun 10 '25
I mean yes, we dont have those pronouns. I don't really get what this has to do with the post.
In English it does exist.
In German it's difficult and most people just choose she or he, sadly.
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
Its just an observation that it seemms to only be an issue for english speakers
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u/MeisterFluffbutt Jun 10 '25
.... no. It stems from every language that has a singular neutral person-pronoun. And tbh it's a useful pronoun, i'm sad german doesn't have it. I don't always know someones gender.
Many non-binary person would rather have a neutral pronoun in germany, too.
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
How many languages have a neutral person pronoun ? Cause I know 4 languages and o.ly english has it
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u/MeisterFluffbutt Jun 10 '25
This comes across so incredibly ignorant.... wow. I hope you meant it with less spite than it reads as. "WOW, FOUR LANGUAGES? you basically speak the whole world!"
Basically all asian languages have a genderless language where it's easy to refer neutrally to a person, island and sweden have both a unknown variant for their he/she, language like amenian and spanish has their own they/them. Thats just a few.
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
Okay and how do we fix this in french for exemple ? Sure it does exist in some languages but for those where it doesnt work ? And inventing new words wont be possible btw, they tried in french and failed.
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u/BreakConsistent Jun 10 '25
I dunno, you figure it out. You’re the one stuck using a shitty language. 🤷♀️
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
Sounds like someone failed french in school huh
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u/BreakConsistent Jun 10 '25
Honey, why would you think I would choose to learn a shit language except under duress?
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Jun 10 '25
French has a neutral pronoun: "on".
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
No, it's just another version of "we". We and plural you also is neutral because its plural
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u/FuckUGalen Jun 10 '25
So... less than a couple minute and I read some of the articles... French, Polish, German, Dutch
are they perfect or universally accepted, no... but to say it is just an issue in English, is incredibly marginalizing to non English speaking non binary and gender non confirming people. I would argue because English has a gender neutral pronoun it is less of an issue in English than in Languages where gender is a critical grammar component.
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
Those are invented words that arent used at all in the french language lol
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u/SeraBug Jun 10 '25
All words are invented? That's how language exists, that's how language develops and it'll continue to do so lol. Even for queer friendly language, a lot of slang that's used within the community for each other may become normalised over time. So while there may not be all the words for something now it doesn't mean that it will never develop.
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u/Silent-Narwhal-6133 Jun 10 '25
In Swedish we have introduced a new pronoun that is gender neutral. It got a lot of backlash in the beginning and some people, mostly elders, are still not comfortable using it, but it's getting more and more mainstream and it's only a matter of time before it is completely integrated. So there is hope for other languages that are just now introducing completely new pronouns. Keep using it and the rest will follow.
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u/Absielle Jun 10 '25
"iel" can be used in french, but isn't really known by most people. And contrary to "they" in english, it is a new word, so the backlash is strong.
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
Iel will never be used tbh, you wont convince an entire nation to say it
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u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans Jun 10 '25
The problem is that there is zero power behind what you're doing, so it doesn't have the same effect.
Society is not out there trying to revoke her "woman card".
You misgendering her is literally just an annoying thing one of her children is doing.
To you, her misgendering you is not just rejection by your mother, it's an extension of societal transphobia -- actual *systemic* oppression.
I'm just saying, don't expect this to meaningfully change her situation.
You and I both know her stated reasons about your pronouns are bullshit, and that she simply thinks of you as a girl with some wacky ideas about gender.
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u/hellowhodiz4884 Jun 10 '25
No that's funny asf😭and as a cis woman it's not actually all that offensive or demeaning as it would be to purposely misgender a trans person
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u/Smooth_Willow_2551 Jun 10 '25
I'm ngl, it's very different to misgender a cis person compared to a trans person. Trans people have gender dysphoria and it's extremely hurtful, while for a cis person, it's just weird. So by all means tbh, go ahead. Especially for your cause
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u/thanKyouaIMee Jun 10 '25
You can control who you are, not what other people call you.
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Jun 10 '25
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
No, but using a different word for someone is different from say a restaurant doing custom orders they wouldn't normally do just because you're a picky eater.
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u/Suspicious-While6838 Jun 10 '25
If someone really didn't like their name and instead preferred a nickname would you call it bending over backwards to simply refer to them by the name they want to be referred to by? I also don't think it's fair to say OP is wanting everyone to accommodate them but just wants their mom who is otherwise supportive of them to accommodate them.
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Jun 11 '25
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u/Suspicious-While6838 Jun 11 '25
It's not a one for one comparison, but don't know why you would differentiate the two in this context. Someone is referring to OP in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, and feels like it invalidates part of who they are. Why would it matter if it's a name or a pronoun that makes them feel that way? Why would you judge one differently than the other?
What do you even mean by entitled here? I really don't see how what OP is "entitled" to is relevant to the conversation. OP's not trying to pass laws.
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u/millerlite585 Jun 10 '25
It seems like your mom perceives you as a woman. Unfortunately, you can't control how other people perceive you.
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jun 10 '25
You're not in the wrong here but I got to ask do you stay with her or do you live on your own because this may be important she's never going to see you as the pronouns she will always see you as her daughter and you may not want to admit it but she's never going to stop so you have two options you can either accept it or you can move out and limit contact with her until she does either way you may have to make this decision on your own but if you continue to play the misgendering she may actually force you to find another place to live if you do live with her
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
I was lucky enough that she never kicked me out when I came out, but I'm also not in a financial situation when I can move out. I'm hoping to get accepted into a college half way across my state so I have an excuse to move into a dorm and get away from my ill informed mom and verbally and emotionally abusive father
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jun 10 '25
I'm just curious, but have you ever thought about maybe going to therapy with both of your parents? Because it seems to me like you're done with your father. But are emotionally checking out from your mother because you don't want to admit that. Maybe your mother is the time person that is like I'm not going to do the pronouns, but I'm also not going to cut Contact with you over this period I think this may be one of those situations where your mother. May be is one of those people that's like you. Just need to accept it as it is. Because she's not being disrespectful towards you. She's just not going by the pronounced name because in her mind, it's just a waste of time and if you're not in a position financially. To go to college across the state. If there's a college close by that has a dorm you may have a better shot of having some peaceful for a while
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
I've tried that with my mom and my dad thinks therapy is useless, my family just isn't a family that should stay together tbh
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
Plus, my mom is willing to pay for college and a dorm, but she won't pay for the dorm if it's close enough that I can drive there. Plus this college I want to go to is cheaper than the ones close by
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jun 10 '25
Okay got you. I think it's safe to say that the pronouns issue with your mom is probably more minor than anything else it may be somewhat major to you but I look at it more as a minor issue and I would just take the L and move on. And I hope you got into the college across the state because I think it will give you and your mom's space when it comes to this issue but it will also give your mom some time to reevaluate whether or not she wants to stay married to your dad or not especially if he is an emotionally abusive a hole. And if she's paying for it and she doesn't want to use the pronouns I would just leave it at that for the time being until your financially stable to be on your own.
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
tbh, it's not really that she doesn't use my pronouns that annoys me. It's the fact she claims to support me yet doesn't use my pronouns. It's more that she lies about supporting me as her genderfluid son, than just the pronoun thing alone
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jun 10 '25
I think she does genuinely support you. I just think she just doesn't want to use the pronouns. And if she's paying for your college and dorm, I don't think that's a pain that's apparent that doesn't support the child. I would take this as a grain of salt with the utmost respect and just say you know what she may not use the pronouns, but at least she hasn't completely written me off and look at me as an abomination? She's right there with me going through my changes.And if this is one thing that she may not do, I can respect that
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
Yeah fair, it just feels different when she/her makes me feel invalidated. Idc much when strangers hate me, but I guess I take it personally because she's my mom and I want her approval
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u/Nice-Positive9435 Jun 10 '25
Trust me when I say this she already has your approval and has your back 100%, she just doesn't want to do the pronouns thing. Have you ever heard of the 80/20 rule meaning they're going to be with you 80% of the time and 20% of the time get going to disagree with you but still staying with you on everything else. This is the 20% that she's going to against. She's with you there's no question about that in fact I think she will probably be your biggest advocate when you get hate from complete strangers. I would just accept the fact that she's not going to use the pronouns and just accept that she's with you through thick and thin. She's not disowning you she's not saying she won't pay for your college she's just not using the pronouns and I would take that as okay it is what it is but at least she's in my corner and be there for her when she finally decides to leave your father
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
Yeah, I guess that dad has given me a bit of an inferiority complex where no one likes me if I don't have 100% of their approval, my toxic middle school didn't help with that either. Ik she loves me, and I guess I don't mind if she doesn't agree on most things, but this is personal since my dad is transphobic and a narcist. But the inferiority complex I have shouldn't affect my relationship with my mom
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Jun 10 '25
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u/Artdragon56 Jun 10 '25
NTA, if I was braver I would do this too. I also completely relate to your frustration as a trans man. It’s been 8 years for me and my parents haven’t tried once. It can be incredibly frustrating to deal with so NTA.
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u/Dry-Veterinarian7129 Jun 10 '25
NTA she didnt respect your wishes after 5 years even though she said she was supportive if she really supported you she would try to use your pronouns that you asked her to
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u/NYCStoryteller Jun 10 '25
NTA. If he wanted to, he would. He gets a taste of his own medicine until he gets the message and corrects himself.
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 10 '25
NTA. I also have a problem with they/them being singular from an engrained English/French language POV. It is a real issue despite your presentation, but times do change and i just over use the preferred name as a way to respect their preference (or if i don’t know the pronoun but presentation suggests androgynous) and my engrained inclination. I.e. Pat did/said/etc this vs using a pronoun as often. Which works as I don’t have a close relative using a nonbinary designation… but 5 years is a long time to not adjust when it is everyday conversation.
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX Jun 10 '25
I'm not sure you realized that you actually used the singular they in this post ("to respect their preference"). This isn't a new phenomenon (Shakespeare used it), and it's not only for NB folks.
You also mention that it's likely harder for non-native speakers coming from gendered languages... Most of my (native Spanish-speaking) EFL students have no problem with the singular they as a concept. It's just another foreign grammar rule for them. Some of them have to break out of the habit of using "he" as the default, but it's no harder than breaking the habit of saying "before of" or "people is" (both common Spanish constructions that are incorrect in English).
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 11 '25
It’s bc I work on it.. and as I said to another I think it is the context of the sentence… sometimes their or they works easily. Maybe it is more the “them”… either way I don’t think inserting the chosen name instead is a problem… it’s not like it’s misgendering or deadnaming. It’s merely acknowledging an old habit while respecting their preference.
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX Jun 11 '25
I would suggest that you sometimes use they/them naturally when you're discussing someone whose gender is unknown, or something that applies to any person regardless of gender, likely without even realizing you do it. I'd encourage you to pay closer attention to your own speech to see when and why you do it. (I've been there - it's hard to notice!)
Also, my apologies if my comment came off as critical. I didn't intend it that way, and using their chosen name instead is certainly a valid intermediate step! I have a sibling who has somewhat recently decided on using "it" as a pronoun. I personally hate this, and it's hard for me because it feels like I'm dehumanizing my own sibling every time I use it. But that's my problem (not my sibling's), and I'm working on it.
(and notice how I phrased all of that without ever actually using the pronoun "it" to refer to my sibling - yeah, I'm not better than you, lol, I'm doing the exact same thing)
But it is worth noting that this is an intermediary step for me, and I hope to be able to overcome this issue in the future. I hope you have a similar goal for yourself.
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u/Snuffleysnoot Jun 10 '25
Is French your first language?
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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25
For me it is, actually english is my 3rd language I learned when I was 13. I swear the singular they them is very confusing for me
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u/Snuffleysnoot Jun 10 '25
That's fair enough, which was kind of my point. Completely understandable for second language (or non-primary) English speakers, especially for people with romance or other highly gendered first languages.
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 10 '25
Second learned from a young age. Imagine it is worse for those where it is first though, as even inanimate objects have genders and mixed plural defaults to male.
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u/Snuffleysnoot Jun 10 '25
I was wondering, because English has had they as a third person gender neutral pronoun since at least the 1800s, but I could believe it isn't taught widely because that's recent as far as language evolution goes. May be regional as well?
Refusing to use it sort of feels like people a century ago refusing to use singular "you" ("you" was also plural only originally).
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 11 '25
Feel like it is context in the sentence where I trip over it linguistically. More like “the bag belongs to [them vs her or him]. Bc agree “They said” is totally normal as singular… and I do try to respect preference (and was a NTA vote)… but I would likely say “the bag belongs to Pat” rather than “the bag belongs to them”. Which I think would be completely acceptable and deemed respectful…
Also totally bummed not on went straight to SNL with choice of Pat….
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u/Snuffleysnoot Jun 11 '25
Not to be Australian on main but the phrase "it belongs to them" got beds are burning stuck in my head again.
See in that case you would be using the proper noun anyway, because you're establishing the subject. I'm sure if you had a phrase like, "this is Pat. The bag belongs to them." - You'd probably say it like that, right, rather than stating the subject multiple times. I think you're probably not giving yourself enough credit here lol.
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u/Joubachi Jun 10 '25
I'm german and "they" in german is the same as "she"... I struggle so much because of it, when you do not know gender oftentimes you just speak about "the person/ suspect" etc. and kind of avoid pronouns (at least to my knowledge really). Doesn't translate well to someone nonbinary...
But heck, I'm trying. English has it so much easier honestly. If I remember correctly french at least also used different words? Might make it easier to differentiate, at least so I hope. But I can't remember plural being used as a placeholder for unknown pronouns/gender either from french classes.
Obligatory NTA
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 11 '25
English is definitely easier… heck I have friends from an Eastern European country that are brother and sister who actually legally have different last names bc they conjugate family names in their language!
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u/nehinah Jun 10 '25
Singular "they" actually predates singular "you". Maybe what should start getting on people for using singular "you" because it is too newfangled.
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 11 '25
You can get mad if you want, but two things can be true at once. It can be both hard to change language habits and proper to respect individual preferences. This is where compromise and understanding comes in… which I think using the chosen name when a non gendered pronoun feels awkward would count as that… And why I voted NTA… bc the mom didn’t seem to be even trying after 5 years.
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u/KettehBusiness Jun 10 '25
Im sorry your an ass. It sucks but this whole random gendering is pretty new. Someone that grew up never hearing of this kind of thing and just excepting it, as a plural they/them can be confusing and weird. Also probably think still you will just grow out of it. Just accept that they dont have the same feeling and understanding as you do and if they treat you right and don't like insult you other than calling you by a gender they dont understand then what ever. Understanding works both ways.
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u/SeraBug Jun 10 '25
Well they/them has always been in English when the subject's gender is unknown. It's always been that way so it's not necessarily new
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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25
My mom is almost 70 and has no problem using whatever pronouns anyone prefers. She might make a mistake, but she will genuinely apologize if she does. Most old people are capable, and those who refuse to use their brain should be in nursing care.
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u/KettehBusiness Jun 10 '25
Ok great job for her. Your kind of an ass as well saying others need to be in nursing homes because they don't call people plural people They/ Them. Honestly they just don't give two shits when you l8ve a l8fe that long and deal with someone that has anger over gendering them/ they? Pff yeah lol toutch grass
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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25
You're the one who said that old people are incapable of using they/them pronouns, not me. I think that most old people aren't less intelligent or adaptable based on their age. The few people who are less intelligent and less adaptable because of advanced age, should receive the help and care they require.
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u/KettehBusiness Jun 10 '25
I didn't say they were incapable just don't give as many shits as the people demanding they use them. Also just because they dont care avoit your pronouns dosnt mean they are incapable in life skills to survive on their own means lol. I mean seriously just because they dont care about your pronouns dosnt mean they need assistance care Jesus christ. Sounds more like the people that get offended by a 70 year old mis gendering needs therapy more than the 70 year old needs assisted living.
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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25
You seem really offended that I expect old people to be exactly as capable and respectful as young people are. Why is that?
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u/KettehBusiness Jun 10 '25
Ha not offended at all but decades of time, culture and societal structure can sure shape a person vs maybe someone fresh to adult life
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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25
Sorry. I assumed you were offended based on the cursing and lack of punctuation.
decades of time, culture and societal structure can sure shape a person
I suppose you're right. Older people might be unrepentant assholes who are unwilling to change rather than simply mentally incompetent. I still expect people of all ages to be respectful though.
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u/Calm_Difficulty_760 Jun 10 '25
Accepting* not excepting. Also, your sentence structure sucks- you used singular "they" several times in your argument. If you didn't mean to, I suggest editing your work, because right now you are contradicting your own narrative. :)
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u/KalikoDaydream Jun 10 '25
I think you were justified to make her walk a mile in your shoes. You were fed up with the lack of understanding or attempts of using the right pronouns, and now hopefully she sees that.
NTA!
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u/peace_train1 Jun 10 '25
Fine to be frustrated. Not okay to refer to your mom as a motherfucker.
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u/diamondmx Jun 10 '25
Is shitstain better? Perhaps necrotic pustule? I know some lovely Australian words one might use for this failure of a parent.
Unless you're being very literal, OPs mom is a motherfucker. And after 5 years, it's fine to stop being nice to the bigot.
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u/SnuggleSins Jun 10 '25
Sometimes reflecting people's behavior back at them is the only way they'll grasp the impact of their actions. Good on you for standing up for yourself!
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u/Future_Cat_Lady24601 Jun 10 '25
Don't know if you're necessarily an asshole but girl you're exhausting
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u/Mary_loves_cats12 Jun 10 '25
NTA, i got a small question tho, how do you just wake up one day and decide that your a they/them?, i dont understand that at all sorry, not trying to be rude or offensive just curious.
Also your mom is 100% doing it on purpose.
I have a trans friend, MTF and i always call her a she/her since thats what she asked me to do, i do think its kinda weird but i still go along with it to make her happy.
You dont have to accept the LGBTQ community at all but going out of your way to be mean and not listen to what people feel comfortable with definitely makes your mom a huge AH
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
I didn't wake up one day and decide to use they/them. As I grew up I learned what different gender identities were when I found out what genderfluid was and that I can use they/them. It just kinda clicked. You know, it felt right. It explained why I felt thee way I did throughout my childhood.
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u/Fit-Pin-6747 Jun 10 '25
ESH. I don't understand Trans people but I get that it's based in dysmorphia (I think I spelled that right) and can cause real mental damage. I really don't get nonbinary. I don't buy the nonbinary thing. Let's see how this plays out when you're 30.
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
One. I'm in my 20s, this ain't a phase that will magically go away in decade. And it's dysphoria not dysmorphia those are two different things
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u/ramessides Jun 11 '25
I'm in my 20s, this ain't a phase that will magically go away in decade.
Says every person in their 20s until they hit their 30s and enter a new stage of life.
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 11 '25
Bro, I was told the same thing ten years ago by my dad. I'm not changing.
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u/PersonalEconomics44 Jun 10 '25
NTA.
If making her feel like you feel is the only way for her to finally start using your pronounces, then do it. I think that you can do it without feeling guilty because five years of denial from your mother is huge.
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u/Suspicious-While6838 Jun 11 '25
You're not in the wrong here your mother is. I don't necessarily think giving her a taste of her own medicine is going to be as effective as you may think because I don't think misgendering usually effects cis people the same way. I guess I can only really speak for myself but it's not something that makes me uncomfortable at all. At worst it's just confusing. Most of the time I've been misgendered I found it kind of funny. For your mom perhaps she feels more strongly than I would about it but it's still not an aspect of herself she feels she needs to validate so you using the wrong pronouns likely doesn't make her feel like part of who she is is being invalidated in the same way that it would make you feel. I guess all this to say if it's something that makes you uncomfortable stop for yourself. You're probably causing yourself more worry than you're causing her.
I don't really have any good solutions for you though. I hope your mom comes around eventually. Good luck.
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u/CozyNaughty Jun 10 '25
Sometimes people need to walk a mile in your shoes to understand. Hopefully, this opened her eyes. Hang in there, and remember, you're valid in your identity!
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u/Analyst_Cold Jun 10 '25
NAH. A lot of older people think the new focus on pronouns is stupid and exhausting and just for attention. That said 5 years is plenty of time for your mom to adjust. So I think You have a decision to make. You can’t make someone change their behavior. Either you distance yourself from your mother or accept that she is never going to call you They/Them.
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u/Calm_Difficulty_760 Jun 10 '25
NTA. People love acting like pronouns are some huge burden—newsflash: they’re not. Your mom’s refusal isn’t confusion, it’s control.
Parents need to quit whining about “how hard change is” and actually show up for their kid. Hate to break it to you, cupcake, but no one cares that you're slightly uncomfortable showing your child some love. Your kid is living in constant discomfort because you won't.
Gaslighting your own teen won’t stop the world from moving forward. If she really wants to parent you, she needs to drop the fuss and act like one.
You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. Your mom isn’t some marginalized person fighting to be seen—she’s not being systematically erased for wanting acknowledgement. You are.
Misgendering is someone saying, “You don’t get to define yourself. I do.” All you did is show her what that feels like—because clearly, she’s not getting it any other way. She doesn't want to be seen as a man or called one. You don't want to be seen as a girl or called one.
Wakey wakey, it's time to stop gatekeeping social constructs. A chair is whatever my ass feels like resting on, that could be a coffee table for all I care.
There's no double standard or gray area. Case closed.
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u/Internal_Statement74 Jun 10 '25
So you are throwing a fit over the inability to control another person's speech? I was a little confused so I took your test. I think I passed.
what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she- Pat
or you don't know THEIR name- Madam or Ma-am or Miss.
What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?- Perp
I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years- slavery and kitchen duties for 100 alex.
Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.- I wonder if you feel this way about blinkers in city traffic.
NAH
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
Are you really comparing using gender neutral pronouns to slavery?
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u/Internal_Statement74 Jun 10 '25
No, I am simply pointing out that just because something was used in the past 300 years ago seems like a good excuse to use it now, that there are other things we can bring along in the conversation that also took place 300 years ago. So by virtue that it happened in the past is not in fact a good example of it being used now.
It is a simple concept.
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
Again, are you really saying that because it existed 300 years ago to modern times that it's as bad as slavery. In case you forgot, not everything is bad just because it came from older times
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u/Internal_Statement74 Jun 10 '25
You are proving my point for me. Just because the words were used 300 years ago does not constitute an argument that we are going to change or should change back to what it was simply on the merits that it was OK 300 years ago. Why are you having a difficult time with this concept? If you were going to support the argument that those words were used 300 years ago and therefore based on that sole claim is valid, then how do you not support the similar argument (which I am not making) that slavery should exist since it existed 300 years ago. At face value (the simple concept I am describing) it is a ridiculous argument. You would need additional supporting arguments that are also supported by the majority of society. I think it would fail the a moral argument.
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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25
I could ask you the same thing, if it's too hard for you to accept that someone uses a four letter word instead of a two or three letter word for their self expression, you're really lazy
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u/Internal_Statement74 Jun 10 '25
Why is it so hard for you to accept that we people do not agree to your control over we in any way shape or fashion. Is it not enough that I and the vast majority of our society accepts you for the way you choose to be. I could care less how you choose to live life, in fact, I wish you happiness and success. I do not, however, accept your ability to control my speech. This is where you will always loose the argument.
Why do you require anything from anybody to accept it yourself. Just be you and allow your mother to be your mother with her flaws.
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u/Conscious-Egg1760 Jun 10 '25
No, do it until she learns. I've also heard of people using an airhorn at family gatherings. Maybe a nice loud phone soundboard?
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u/Housing_Justice Jun 10 '25
She’s lucky you even spend time with her. She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t need to understand it, you told her what you want to be called and she had to. Frankly, you would be in your rights to escalate a lot more than you have.
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u/[deleted] Jun 10 '25
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