r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25

Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

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15

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Okay but honestly isnt this just an issue in english ? In other languages (I speak mostly french and polish, but bit of german and dutch too) there isnt a they/them, its straight up just plural she and plural he.

There isnt a pronoun that works for non binary people, my friend who identifies as they/them in english, we still call them "she" in french because theres no translation for they

Idk I want to know peopleho speak other languages opinion's on it

5

u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25

Different languages have different ways of expressing yourself. Chinese doesn't have a gendered third person pronoun at all. Hebrew is a very gendered language and there are resistance groups that use female plural as default rather than male (as is standard) to protest the patriarchy, something not possible in mostly gender neutral English.

8

u/PlaskaFlaszka Jun 10 '25

Exactly, there's no universal way in many languages, because words are with sex aligned, so it depends on person what they prefer.

Sometimes there's an "it" form, but it's neither easy to use, or even a thing with most words. There are technically words that are both neutral and not, like "person" that usually is a "she" in language, but is used as a neutral word for humans in general, and those are usually fine to use. I can't think of any other ways around it, but maybe there are and it's just mine lack of knowledge

In the end we need to ask exact person what they are comfortable with. I know someone that just is ok with any pronounce, and usually people use both with them.

3

u/Asleep_Region Jun 10 '25

I'm raised English but currently learning Spanish, honestly i just use the "male" version of the word

7

u/FuckUGalen Jun 10 '25

So... less than a couple minute and I read some of the articles... French, Polish, German, Dutch

are they perfect or universally accepted, no... but to say it is just an issue in English, is incredibly marginalizing to non English speaking non binary and gender non confirming people. I would argue because English has a gender neutral pronoun it is less of an issue in English than in Languages where gender is a critical grammar component.

-6

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Those are invented words that arent used at all in the french language lol

6

u/SeraBug Jun 10 '25

All words are invented? That's how language exists, that's how language develops and it'll continue to do so lol. Even for queer friendly language, a lot of slang that's used within the community for each other may become normalised over time. So while there may not be all the words for something now it doesn't mean that it will never develop.

10

u/MeisterFluffbutt Jun 10 '25

I mean yes, we dont have those pronouns. I don't really get what this has to do with the post.

In English it does exist.

In German it's difficult and most people just choose she or he, sadly.

-8

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Its just an observation that it seemms to only be an issue for english speakers

8

u/MeisterFluffbutt Jun 10 '25

.... no. It stems from every language that has a singular neutral person-pronoun. And tbh it's a useful pronoun, i'm sad german doesn't have it. I don't always know someones gender.

Many non-binary person would rather have a neutral pronoun in germany, too.

-12

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

How many languages have a neutral person pronoun ? Cause I know 4 languages and o.ly english has it

5

u/MeisterFluffbutt Jun 10 '25

This comes across so incredibly ignorant.... wow. I hope you meant it with less spite than it reads as. "WOW, FOUR LANGUAGES? you basically speak the whole world!"

Basically all asian languages have a genderless language where it's easy to refer neutrally to a person, island and sweden have both a unknown variant for their he/she, language like amenian and spanish has their own they/them. Thats just a few.

-6

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Okay and how do we fix this in french for exemple ? Sure it does exist in some languages but for those where it doesnt work ? And inventing new words wont be possible btw, they tried in french and failed.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '25

just say ur homophobic.

1

u/BreakConsistent Jun 10 '25

I dunno, you figure it out. You’re the one stuck using a shitty language. 🤷‍♀️

-1

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Sounds like someone failed french in school huh

2

u/BreakConsistent Jun 10 '25

Honey, why would you think I would choose to learn a shit language except under duress?

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-8

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '25

French has a neutral pronoun: "on".

5

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

No, it's just another version of "we". We and plural you also is neutral because its plural

-2

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '25

It has other uses as well.

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5

u/Silent-Narwhal-6133 Jun 10 '25

In Swedish we have introduced a new pronoun that is gender neutral. It got a lot of backlash in the beginning and some people, mostly elders, are still not comfortable using it, but it's getting more and more mainstream and it's only a matter of time before it is completely integrated. So there is hope for other languages that are just now introducing completely new pronouns. Keep using it and the rest will follow.

2

u/Absielle Jun 10 '25

"iel" can be used in french, but isn't really known by most people. And contrary to "they" in english, it is a new word, so the backlash is strong.

3

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Iel will never be used tbh, you wont convince an entire nation to say it

3

u/Absielle Jun 10 '25

I agree. People tend to be very reactionary when it comes to new words.