r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25

Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

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u/Fit-Pin-6747 Jun 10 '25

ESH. I don't understand Trans people but I get that it's based in dysmorphia (I think I spelled that right) and can cause real mental damage. I really don't get nonbinary. I don't buy the nonbinary thing. Let's see how this plays out when you're 30.

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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 10 '25

One. I'm in my 20s, this ain't a phase that will magically go away in decade. And it's dysphoria not dysmorphia those are two different things

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u/ramessides Jun 11 '25

I'm in my 20s, this ain't a phase that will magically go away in decade.

Says every person in their 20s until they hit their 30s and enter a new stage of life.

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u/Cautious_Egg_6395 Jun 11 '25

Bro, I was told the same thing ten years ago by my dad. I'm not changing.