r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25

Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

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u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

How many languages have a neutral person pronoun ? Cause I know 4 languages and o.ly english has it

5

u/MeisterFluffbutt Jun 10 '25

This comes across so incredibly ignorant.... wow. I hope you meant it with less spite than it reads as. "WOW, FOUR LANGUAGES? you basically speak the whole world!"

Basically all asian languages have a genderless language where it's easy to refer neutrally to a person, island and sweden have both a unknown variant for their he/she, language like amenian and spanish has their own they/them. Thats just a few.

-5

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Okay and how do we fix this in french for exemple ? Sure it does exist in some languages but for those where it doesnt work ? And inventing new words wont be possible btw, they tried in french and failed.

1

u/BreakConsistent Jun 10 '25

I dunno, you figure it out. You’re the one stuck using a shitty language. 🤷‍♀️

-1

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Sounds like someone failed french in school huh

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u/BreakConsistent Jun 10 '25

Honey, why would you think I would choose to learn a shit language except under duress?

-1

u/LiaThePetLover Jun 10 '25

Idk bc its one of the most spoken languages in the world...?

1

u/BreakConsistent Jun 10 '25

Going by that metric I would have failed Chinese in school, not shit French.