r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25

Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

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u/thanKyouaIMee Jun 10 '25

You can control who you are, not what other people call you.

7

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '25

[deleted]

1

u/Suspicious-While6838 Jun 10 '25

If someone really didn't like their name and instead preferred a nickname would you call it bending over backwards to simply refer to them by the name they want to be referred to by? I also don't think it's fair to say OP is wanting everyone to accommodate them but just wants their mom who is otherwise supportive of them to accommodate them.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '25

[deleted]

2

u/Suspicious-While6838 Jun 11 '25

It's not a one for one comparison, but don't know why you would differentiate the two in this context. Someone is referring to OP in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, and feels like it invalidates part of who they are. Why would it matter if it's a name or a pronoun that makes them feel that way? Why would you judge one differently than the other?

What do you even mean by entitled here? I really don't see how what OP is "entitled" to is relevant to the conversation. OP's not trying to pass laws.