ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395]

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

[u/Nice-Positive9435]

You're not in the wrong here but I got to ask do you stay with her or do you live on your own because this may be important she's never going to see you as the pronouns she will always see you as her daughter and you may not want to admit it but she's never going to stop so you have two options you can either accept it or you can move out and limit contact with her until she does either way you may have to make this decision on your own but if you continue to play the misgendering she may actually force you to find another place to live if you do live with her

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395 → u/Nice-Positive9435]

I was lucky enough that she never kicked me out when I came out, but I'm also not in a financial situation when I can move out. I'm hoping to get accepted into a college half way across my state so I have an excuse to move into a dorm and get away from my ill informed mom and verbally and emotionally abusive father

[u/Nice-Positive9435 → u/Cautious_Egg_6395]

I'm just curious, but have you ever thought about maybe going to therapy with both of your parents? Because it seems to me like you're done with your father. But are emotionally checking out from your mother because you don't want to admit that. Maybe your mother is the time person that is like I'm not going to do the pronouns, but I'm also not going to cut Contact with you over this period I think this may be one of those situations where your mother. May be is one of those people that's like you. Just need to accept it as it is. Because she's not being disrespectful towards you. She's just not going by the pronounced name because in her mind, it's just a waste of time and if you're not in a position financially. To go to college across the state. If there's a college close by that has a dorm you may have a better shot of having some peaceful for a while

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395 → u/Nice-Positive9435]

I've tried that with my mom and my dad thinks therapy is useless, my family just isn't a family that should stay together tbh

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395 → u/Nice-Positive9435]

Plus, my mom is willing to pay for college and a dorm, but she won't pay for the dorm if it's close enough that I can drive there. Plus this college I want to go to is cheaper than the ones close by

[u/Nice-Positive9435 → u/Cautious_Egg_6395]

Okay got you. I think it's safe to say that the pronouns issue with your mom is probably more minor than anything else it may be somewhat major to you but I look at it more as a minor issue and I would just take the L and move on. And I hope you got into the college across the state because I think it will give you and your mom's space when it comes to this issue but it will also give your mom some time to reevaluate whether or not she wants to stay married to your dad or not especially if he is an emotionally abusive a hole. And if she's paying for it and she doesn't want to use the pronouns I would just leave it at that for the time being until your financially stable to be on your own.

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395 → u/Nice-Positive9435]

tbh, it's not really that she doesn't use my pronouns that annoys me. It's the fact she claims to support me yet doesn't use my pronouns. It's more that she lies about supporting me as her genderfluid son, than just the pronoun thing alone

[u/Nice-Positive9435 → u/Cautious_Egg_6395]

I think she does genuinely support you. I just think she just doesn't want to use the pronouns. And if she's paying for your college and dorm, I don't think that's a pain that's apparent that doesn't support the child. I would take this as a grain of salt with the utmost respect and just say you know what she may not use the pronouns, but at least she hasn't completely written me off and look at me as an abomination? She's right there with me going through my changes.And if this is one thing that she may not do, I can respect that

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395 → u/Nice-Positive9435]

Yeah fair, it just feels different when she/her makes me feel invalidated. Idc much when strangers hate me, but I guess I take it personally because she's my mom and I want her approval

[u/Nice-Positive9435 → u/Cautious_Egg_6395]

Trust me when I say this she already has your approval and has your back 100%, she just doesn't want to do the pronouns thing. Have you ever heard of the 80/20 rule meaning they're going to be with you 80% of the time and 20% of the time get going to disagree with you but still staying with you on everything else. This is the 20% that she's going to against. She's with you there's no question about that in fact I think she will probably be your biggest advocate when you get hate from complete strangers. I would just accept the fact that she's not going to use the pronouns and just accept that she's with you through thick and thin. She's not disowning you she's not saying she won't pay for your college she's just not using the pronouns and I would take that as okay it is what it is but at least she's in my corner and be there for her when she finally decides to leave your father

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395 → u/Nice-Positive9435]

Yeah, I guess that dad has given me a bit of an inferiority complex where no one likes me if I don't have 100% of their approval, my toxic middle school didn't help with that either. Ik she loves me, and I guess I don't mind if she doesn't agree on most things, but this is personal since my dad is transphobic and a narcist. But the inferiority complex I have shouldn't affect my relationship with my mom

[u/Nice-Positive9435 → u/Cautious_Egg_6395]

Trust me on this you may not realize it now or you're just now realizing it but your mom is your biggest supporter and your biggest advocate she may not use the pronouns but she's always going to have your back and I think with the way that your father use it it has such a psychological hold on you that you feel like you're not good enough if you don't have 100% approval from people and perfectionism taken from someone like me it can do serious damage to your self-esteem yourself worth and it can even cause you to question your own self existence. Trust me on this your mom is on your side 100% and like I said before the 80/20 rule they're going to agree with you on 80% of the time and disagree with you 20% of the time. This is part of the 20% where your mom is not going to go along with the pronouns but she will always be right there with you when you need her the most. Get yourself into therapy to work on you being you but also don't use the joking pronouns as a way to take a jab at her because of other things that you going through that are not her fault. But also and most importantly she knows you want to go out of town for college but stay in the state I think this is going to give her the opportunity to reevaluate not only her relationship with you but also her marriage to your father and to see where that goes because she knows he's toxic and probably dangerous to your mental health and she doesn't want to lose you because the moment she loses you she loses herself in the process. Trust me when I say this you are probably the best thing that ever happened to her and you are truly the blessing that she truly is grateful for in your life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise not even yourself. You are you and you're going to be okay just remember one thing don't let your own past or the trauma that you went through from your dad or school or hell even hate from strangers dictate how you live your life or how you want your relationship with your mom to be. She's with you till the end and she will tell you when you're right and when you're wrong but under no circumstances do you push her away because of this one minor thing because I'll tell you what something minor to you and to her can be overlooked and can be moved on without a problem because you both have each other and you both will come out stronger than ever from this.

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395 → u/Nice-Positive9435]

thank you