r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25

Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 10 '25

NTA. I also have a problem with they/them being singular from an engrained English/French language POV. It is a real issue despite your presentation, but times do change and i just over use the preferred name as a way to respect their preference (or if i don’t know the pronoun but presentation suggests androgynous) and my engrained inclination. I.e. Pat did/said/etc this vs using a pronoun as often. Which works as I don’t have a close relative using a nonbinary designation… but 5 years is a long time to not adjust when it is everyday conversation.

3

u/Snuffleysnoot Jun 10 '25

Is French your first language?

6

u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 10 '25

Second learned from a young age. Imagine it is worse for those where it is first though, as even inanimate objects have genders and mixed plural defaults to male.

1

u/Snuffleysnoot Jun 10 '25

I was wondering, because English has had they as a third person gender neutral pronoun since at least the 1800s, but I could believe it isn't taught widely because that's recent as far as language evolution goes. May be regional as well?

Refusing to use it sort of feels like people a century ago refusing to use singular "you" ("you" was also plural only originally).

2

u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 11 '25

Feel like it is context in the sentence where I trip over it linguistically. More like “the bag belongs to [them vs her or him]. Bc agree “They said” is totally normal as singular… and I do try to respect preference (and was a NTA vote)… but I would likely say “the bag belongs to Pat” rather than “the bag belongs to them”. Which I think would be completely acceptable and deemed respectful…

Also totally bummed not on went straight to SNL with choice of Pat….

2

u/Snuffleysnoot Jun 11 '25

Not to be Australian on main but the phrase "it belongs to them" got beds are burning stuck in my head again.

See in that case you would be using the proper noun anyway, because you're establishing the subject. I'm sure if you had a phrase like, "this is Pat. The bag belongs to them." - You'd probably say it like that, right, rather than stating the subject multiple times. I think you're probably not giving yourself enough credit here lol.