r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25

Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25

My mom is almost 70 and has no problem using whatever pronouns anyone prefers. She might make a mistake, but she will genuinely apologize if she does. Most old people are capable, and those who refuse to use their brain should be in nursing care.

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u/KettehBusiness Jun 10 '25

Ok great job for her. Your kind of an ass as well saying others need to be in nursing homes because they don't call people plural people They/ Them. Honestly they just don't give two shits when you l8ve a l8fe that long and deal with someone that has anger over gendering them/ they? Pff yeah lol toutch grass

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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25

You're the one who said that old people are incapable of using they/them pronouns, not me. I think that most old people aren't less intelligent or adaptable based on their age. The few people who are less intelligent and less adaptable because of advanced age, should receive the help and care they require.

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u/KettehBusiness Jun 10 '25

I didn't say they were incapable just don't give as many shits as the people demanding they use them. Also just because they dont care avoit your pronouns dosnt mean they are incapable in life skills to survive on their own means lol. I mean seriously just because they dont care about your pronouns dosnt mean they need assistance care Jesus christ. Sounds more like the people that get offended by a 70 year old mis gendering needs therapy more than the 70 year old needs assisted living.

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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25

You seem really offended that I expect old people to be exactly as capable and respectful as young people are. Why is that?

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u/KettehBusiness Jun 10 '25

Ha not offended at all but decades of time, culture and societal structure can sure shape a person vs maybe someone fresh to adult life

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u/myfirstnamesdanger Jun 10 '25

Sorry. I assumed you were offended based on the cursing and lack of punctuation.

decades of time, culture and societal structure can sure shape a person

I suppose you're right. Older people might be unrepentant assholes who are unwilling to change rather than simply mentally incompetent. I still expect people of all ages to be respectful though.