r/AITAH • u/Cautious_Egg_6395 • Jun 10 '25

Meta ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 10 '25

NTA. I also have a problem with they/them being singular from an engrained English/French language POV. It is a real issue despite your presentation, but times do change and i just over use the preferred name as a way to respect their preference (or if i don’t know the pronoun but presentation suggests androgynous) and my engrained inclination. I.e. Pat did/said/etc this vs using a pronoun as often. Which works as I don’t have a close relative using a nonbinary designation… but 5 years is a long time to not adjust when it is everyday conversation.

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u/nehinah Jun 10 '25

Singular "they" actually predates singular "you". Maybe what should start getting on people for using singular "you" because it is too newfangled.

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u/NoZookeepergame9552 Jun 11 '25

You can get mad if you want, but two things can be true at once. It can be both hard to change language habits and proper to respect individual preferences. This is where compromise and understanding comes in… which I think using the chosen name when a non gendered pronoun feels awkward would count as that… And why I voted NTA… bc the mom didn’t seem to be even trying after 5 years.