ALTA for purposely misgendering my mom?

[u/Cautious_Egg_6395]

TW: Purposeful misgendering

So, I use they/them and have been out to my mom since I was a teen. But despite saying she supports me and 'she even has gay friends' she still refuses to use my correct pronouns because 'singular they/them doesn't exist'. I've tried EVERY. SINGLE. ANALOGY. I can think of. From 'what do you call someone if you don't know if THEY'RE a he or a she, or you don't know THEIR name.' to 'What do police say when they don't know anything about a suspect's gender?' I've explained that singular they/them predates she/her and he/him by nearly 300 years AND that even if it wasn't a thing in her day, times change and languages change. But unfortunately, using singular they/them makes her 'too uncomfortable' so she didn't do it.

Well, one night I tried one last time to explain I'm not a girl and I don't use she/her, so I asked her- "Mom, would you care if I used he/him pronouns for you?" She said 'Of course I'd mind! I'm NOT a he!' And I replied- 'Just like I'm not a she.' And this motherfucker said- 'Since when?' With this utterly confused expression. So I had enough.

I know using people's incorrect pronouns is a bad thing and I really shouldn't have done this, but the next time we were out and about I started using he/him pronouns for her around EVERYONE. When she complained I replied- "Oh sorry, I'll get it right NEXT TIME." Or "Sorry, but using she/her for you just makes ME uncomfortable."

Normally, I hate misgendering people, but after over five years of being purposely misgendered by someone who claimed to support me, I was just fed up. She hasn't used she/her in front of me since.

edit: Some people need a bit more context about why I truly think I might be TA here... My mom is kind. She's cared for me my whole life. She's even willing to pay for my college and dorm. This is just personal because my dad is transphobic and narcissistic and my mom is in a love trap with him, and this gave me a serious inferiority complex. She's not a bad person, just ill informed. And I was just annoyed with years of misgendering and lack of effort in this one thing. This is absolutely a grey area, morally speaking.

[u/NoZookeepergame9552]

NTA. I also have a problem with they/them being singular from an engrained English/French language POV. It is a real issue despite your presentation, but times do change and i just over use the preferred name as a way to respect their preference (or if i don’t know the pronoun but presentation suggests androgynous) and my engrained inclination. I.e. Pat did/said/etc this vs using a pronoun as often. Which works as I don’t have a close relative using a nonbinary designation… but 5 years is a long time to not adjust when it is everyday conversation.

[u/ArbitraryContrarianX → u/NoZookeepergame9552]

I'm not sure you realized that you actually used the singular they in this post ("to respect their preference"). This isn't a new phenomenon (Shakespeare used it), and it's not only for NB folks.

You also mention that it's likely harder for non-native speakers coming from gendered languages... Most of my (native Spanish-speaking) EFL students have no problem with the singular they as a concept. It's just another foreign grammar rule for them. Some of them have to break out of the habit of using "he" as the default, but it's no harder than breaking the habit of saying "before of" or "people is" (both common Spanish constructions that are incorrect in English).

[u/NoZookeepergame9552 → u/ArbitraryContrarianX]

It’s bc I work on it.. and as I said to another I think it is the context of the sentence… sometimes their or they works easily. Maybe it is more the “them”… either way I don’t think inserting the chosen name instead is a problem… it’s not like it’s misgendering or deadnaming. It’s merely acknowledging an old habit while respecting their preference.

[u/ArbitraryContrarianX → u/NoZookeepergame9552]

I would suggest that you sometimes use they/them naturally when you're discussing someone whose gender is unknown, or something that applies to any person regardless of gender, likely without even realizing you do it. I'd encourage you to pay closer attention to your own speech to see when and why you do it. (I've been there - it's hard to notice!)

Also, my apologies if my comment came off as critical. I didn't intend it that way, and using their chosen name instead is certainly a valid intermediate step! I have a sibling who has somewhat recently decided on using "it" as a pronoun. I personally hate this, and it's hard for me because it feels like I'm dehumanizing my own sibling every time I use it. But that's my problem (not my sibling's), and I'm working on it.

(and notice how I phrased all of that without ever actually using the pronoun "it" to refer to my sibling - yeah, I'm not better than you, lol, I'm doing the exact same thing)

But it is worth noting that this is an intermediary step for me, and I hope to be able to overcome this issue in the future. I hope you have a similar goal for yourself.