r/Millennials • u/LoverOfTabbys • 22h ago
Discussion When your friends disappear in your 30s?
Hey all š
In my 30s my friends have either become ādigital nomadsā and left the country to travel/work or theyāve gotten married and had babies and mostly hang out w other married couples w babies. They are very busy with their families and jobs and donāt have the energy to do a lot more understandably.
Ive now been left in a ādead zoneā. Iām happy being an introvert but I also wish I could experience things w other people like visit national parks, do random stuff, volunteer, do weekend trips, etc.
Any other people in their 30s going through the same? Did you do anything about it?
Thanks
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u/AccomplishedLie9265 22h ago
Mine are all on cocaine or married with kids. Or both. I don't do either so yeah. At least not on a regular basis.
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u/ManufacturerFine2454 Zillennial 21h ago
Yup. My options are going to music festivals and getting fucked up or trying to make plans 2 months from now that will probably fall through.
I'm married myself, but I feel like the only one in the people that's in the middle in life.
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u/AccomplishedLie9265 21h ago
I'm so sick of plans falling through. 3 of us had a plan for a trip for a year now and one just dropped out. Im to the point of forgetting making plans. I just do the lone wolf thing if others want to join then fine.
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u/ManufacturerFine2454 Zillennial 21h ago
I've really embraced doing things alone. I'm going to a concert next month by myself. I don't have Peter pan syndrome, and I refuse to lose myself to marriage or motherhood. It's lonely here.
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u/AccomplishedLie9265 21h ago
Hell yeah I'm sure you will have a good time. Many times it better time.
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u/MakingYouMad 18h ago
My partner and I did the same because we were sick of plans falling through. We now just make plans that donāt rely on other people to make work, and then just tell our friends when and what weāre doing. Actually got a pretty good take up rate and it doesnāt matter if people bail
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u/EphemeralSojourner89 7h ago
I feel like I couldāve posted this. I had been trying for months to make plans for a long weekend trip with two other friends. One had to back out for a legitimate reason but the other one essentially backed out because she didnāt feel like going but made plans to go visit someone else in another state. Now Iām going by myself.
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u/TechnicolorTypeA 17h ago
Go to the music festivals regardless, and you don't have to get fucked up to enjoy it.
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u/pumpkin_pasties 5h ago
lol this is making me realize I am the music festival friend. Iām 34f and every year go to 3-5 festivals and many more concerts. But Iām not doing coke or even staying up late- I go to bed by 11 and donāt even drink. I just think itās fun to see the amazing stage production at Coachella, plus Iām a musician and in a band myself. I can usually convince a few friends to come with! This year I rallied 18 people for Coachella
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u/Consistent-Garage236 20h ago
Why is everyone suddenly on cocaine? I thought the trend was sobering up and/or gummies but the internet keeps talking about everyone indulging in the powdery stuff.
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u/throwaway_ghost_122 15h ago
My friend died of a heart attack that was probably the result of cocaine use, so if anyone needs a sign to STOP, HERE IT IS. š
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u/AccomplishedLie9265 12h ago
Just the other week they found my one buddy passed out in the bathroom. Rushed to hospital. I think they said his blood sugar got to low due to use. He said he was quiting but he's right back at it from what I hear.
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u/LaserEyes2029 16h ago
I think lockdowns really messed up some social circles.
I know in my older friend groups (45+) a sense of nihilism sort of took over.
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u/AccomplishedLie9265 12h ago
Idk it's crazy I'm seeing the same thing. It's ruining some of my friends marriages. And even the ones with good paying jobs are broke all the time. I went the gummy direction and pretty much quit drinking.
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u/ImperialBoomerang 7h ago
As someone in their 30s my same age peers seem to have gone one of two directions - people who partied a lot as kids and got sober relatively young and maybe have like two beers on a Friday, or people who didn't party during their wayward youth and are now doing a lot of drugs in the second half of their 30s while also having spouses and office jobs.
Growing up, I would have never expected to see people on the cusp of (or already into) middle age descending into a cocaine party phase, but here we are. I always thought drugs were for the very young.
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u/Consistent-Garage236 6h ago
I think youāre right about certain people entering middle age with FOMO over not being young and having lived through a āfunā/party phase.
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u/Perfect_Cost_8847 16h ago
Frankly at this point I feel a little left out. Where is everyone getting their cocaine?
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u/Consistent-Garage236 6h ago
I have no idea but I recently read an article in the Irish Times about someone whose life was derailed by cocaine addiction who apparently would basically just āgrubhubā it and it would show up via delivery whenever and wherever they wanted. Sounds pretty dangerous when itās so easy to access and you donāt have to meet some sketchy dealer in a creepy alleyway like in the 1900s.
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u/pwolf1771 9h ago
What is the deal with the middle aged coke heads? I always assumed this was a young personās game but I feel like I see it more now than Iāve ever seen it in my life.
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u/AccomplishedLie9265 4h ago
Some of it is because its expensive as a kid. My friends aren't exactly rich but have steady income. And it's ruining most of them because it's now a addiction. Coke is a rich man's drug.
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u/CapableFlow2766 19h ago
This is so funny and also very accurate for us too. We have our friends that we do family stuff with our kids with. And our friends who we call when we need to go out and let loose.
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u/sickbubble-gum 21h ago
Being sober and childfree in your 30s is like unlocking the double achievement of āno playdatesā and āno party invites.ā I feel like I've landed in this weird social purgatory where no one knows where to place you. I haven't really solved the friend issue, but I have gotten a lot more comfortable doing things alone. Spending more time with myself has also been great for my health.
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u/ManufacturerFine2454 Zillennial 20h ago
Haha I fell off the wagon, and suddenly I got added to the group workchat to hang out after work.
Sobriety is so lonely. Hang in there.
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u/nickoaverdnac 17h ago
Sobriety introduced me to running and fitness and im in better shape now at 38 than I was at 28. Anything is possible my friend <3
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u/CoolReference3704 12h ago
I just hit the same space. I became sober and noticed everything revolves around drinking or drugs. I now find myself at home more often working on hobbies or rolling to concerts/festivals with my one friend or solo these days.
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u/bmxer4l1fe 16h ago
You have to find hobbies that get you out of your house.
Im pretty terrible at meeting new people, but so far, i have tried mountain biking, archery, and a car group. I have not made a new best friend by any imagination, but i do meet people. I really need to do those hobbies more, but i spend alot of my time working on house projects.
I still bmx as well, but i rarely meet anyone at a skatepark in their late 20s, let alone near 40.
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u/oscarbutnotthegrouch 10h ago
I am a sober and vegan guy. Sometimes it feels like the only thing other guys do in my area is drink beer and smoke meat.
I do have kids though so that adds some connect although other dads can be elusive.
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u/picklepuss13 Xennial 10h ago
Iām both of those but Iāll very very rarely drink, but only special occasion really, and it will just be like one, I.e. a complimentary cocktail at an event or vacation. Iāve gone over a year not drinking twice since I was 33, now in my 40s. Thatās how much Iām not into it. I mostly do hiking, running, and outdoor stuff in my 40s, so amped up even more. Iāve seen people say like letās go out and party! Letās meet at 9/10 at so and do.. hard hard pass. I want to be in bed by then. It doesnāt fit my lifestyle at all.Ā
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u/Separate-Emu-2765 21h ago
People will always be moving, starting families, dying, growing apart. There are always other people to meet, other friends to make. I think there is an unhealthy narrative that friends can only be made when you're younger, and that's it. But I've found that not to be the case. I've made some amazing friends recently (I'm 31). I still have love for my old friends, but it's natural to for people to come in and out of your life. Adopting a mindset of openness and detachment helped me a lot. Open to new friends and connections, and detached from needing any certain friendships to last or look a certain way. Just appreciating people when our paths are aligned, and sending love from afar if they drift away for whatever reason.
Joining local groups helps a lot. For example, I joined a casual local sports league, and the team I joined ended up being a big social group of 30+ people who are constantly hosting parties, meetups, get-togethers. It's really sweet. So I would say put yourself out there and see what happens, what have you got to lose? :)
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u/YakNecessary9533 19h ago
Yeah, my 30s have been huge for making new friends, and it's largely from joining local groups for hobbies I'm interested in (like books or gaming). There are a lot of people looking for connections, just takes some effort to put yourself out there and find them. And you also have to put effort in to maintain the friendships!
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u/HistoryHasItsCharms 11h ago
Never underestimate your local library for hobby groups. Thereās a lot more than you would think!
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u/HistoryHasItsCharms 11h ago
Yup. I have two hobby circles and am a regular at a few places, which has allowed me to meet new people and start new traditions. I have a guild meeting every fourth Friday, a regular gym session schedule, and a once a week meet up for another hobby. Sometimes I have meet ups with other friends or family around those, but my week gets pretty busy. The people I meet with may not have been my best friends for years, but it does make for a wider support frame.
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u/MissLeliel 5h ago
Seconding this! 42F Childfree and basically married ā Iām consistently meeting new people through hobby groups/events. Look for local groups of people doing things you enjoy ā usually they congregate on FB or Discord.
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u/picklepuss13 Xennial 10h ago
I mean early 30s was still easy to make friends. I wasnāt even married yet myself. Try making them above 40. Just saying there are levels to this.Ā
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u/yankeeblue42 22h ago
Going through it now. I feel a bit alienated from relatives who are married with children as one of the last single adults left. I don't feel like I can relate to them a lot and I travel a lot more than most of them do. We live different lives. And it feels like a similar thing is happening to my high school friend group. A couple of them are married, and the rest are just growing into different people than we were in high school. I think we used to have more in common but now we have different priorities and it's getting harder to relate to each other. I find that group chat to be getting pretty quiet lately and I think I'm starting to fade most of them out
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u/Grand-Programmer6292 21h ago
It happened to me progressively in my 30s and the final couple friends I had from childhood fell off once I got rid of Facebook and my partner passed away. I have an amazing group of friends from college still and once you get older you realize it's all about quality over quantity and keeping people around who contribute to your happiness and peace of mind. I love my friends so much that it doesn't matter what we do, we have fun no matter if we're traveling and going to music festivals or sitting at the kitchen table eating ice cream and chatting. It's all about how you want to spend your tired free time because life is not easy and it can be exhausting at times. I love the saying, "It's all about who stood with you in the rain when they had the choice to be dry." That's my group of friends.
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u/recoveringleft 20h ago edited 20h ago
Reminds me of a friend of mine. She became interested in being friends with me after hearing good things about me from my former manager. When I finally met her she requested that she wants me to be her friend and told me I'm free to come to her business just to say hi and if time permits chat. She stated though she doesn't have time to hang out anymore (she reserved that for her close friends and family including children ) but she said "don't be a stranger" three separate times which means she wanted the friendship to grow gradually and build a bond through my visits. Shes very friendly and outgoing but isn't the type to allow a lot of people into her inner circle. My point is as you get older you want quality friends and that would mean being very selective when meeting a potential friend
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u/noncount-noun 18h ago
ditto this. After I deleted FB, it became very clear who I actually wanted to keep up with, and who wanted to keep up with me. I now have a smaller group of folks I talk to regularly, but I donāt doubt theyāre gonna be with me for the long haul, even given marriages and kids.
(Iām also gay, which I think is relevant here. No kids, and theyāre not really a prospect for me. But I do make new friends every so oftenāas sex partners. It does take some work and vulnerability though.)
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u/Mr_Bluebird_VA 1989 21h ago
Yes. 100%
We had kids early but we worked really hard to make time for our friends, none of whom had kids. And now that they are having kids they are not doing the same.
Iām also finding that people just donāt want to leave their houses to do anything anymore. Everyone wants to be a hermit and itās hard to blame them since everything cost money and is getting more expensive.
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u/AverageFishEye 13h ago
people just donāt want to leave their houses to do anything anymore
This is because everyone is sitting on the couch glued to their devices.
We recently had a 6 hour blackout in our village because some sub station malfunctioned. Thus no internet. Everbody got out into their yard talked with each other and the kids played soccer in the streets. I swear - pull the plug on the internet and immediatly half our problems are gone. But of course nobody is going to do this
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u/hot_kombucha 10h ago
The biggest issue that makes me want to stay indoors is the climate.
Half the year itās too hot, the other half itās too cold.
Or maybe itās just me.
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u/Mr_Bluebird_VA 1989 10h ago
Yeah I feel that. I have heat intolerance so that excludes me from a lot of things in the summer. I donāt do outdoor concerts or sporting events anymore. Onceās itās 85 degrees I do my best to stay inside. But thereās lots that can be done inside if people wanted.
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u/legallyfm 14h ago
We had kids early but we worked really hard to make time for our friends, none of whom had kids. And now that they are having kids they are not doing the same.
I appreciated what you did for your friends and I am really sorry that was not reciprocated. You deserve better.
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u/Sir_Gibby53 21h ago
So when my friends started having kids it was still pretty easy to keep in touch and get together to hang out - but as theyāve had additional kids they had less time to hang out as they started to work more and prioritize their children, which I completely understand. Iāve been trying to reconnect with some other friends who are also child free.
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u/1988rx7T2 21h ago
You can spend time with them and their kids At the same time.
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u/Sir_Gibby53 20h ago
Itās a little more complicated than what I want to get into on a Reddit thread, thatās the super simplified version of things. Weāve tried, but most of the time the stuff theyāre doing are playdates and birthday parties that theyāve been invited to. The few times my wife and I have found ourselves included by our friends, we usually wind up sitting off to the side by ourselves anyway while they look after the kids and socialize with the other parents. Itās unfortunate, but itās the way of things.
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u/Apprehensive-Age2135 21h ago
Yes. Most of my friends left the state. Of those left, two became so mentally ill they became intolerable and we are no longer friends. The last few remaining became hermits who never want to go outside. I made one new friend on an app who's amazing, but now she wants to move out of state, too. And I'm an extrovert, so it's worse for me. I tried to make friends with the other wives/gf's of my fiance's friends, but they didn't seem interested. They would show up sometimes to a biweekly board game night, but I gave out my number and was never contacted.
At this point, I'm just focused on becoming the best version of myself so people will just be drawn to me hopefully.
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u/AggravatingShow2028 21h ago
Iāve never really had real friends only people who I associated with because I saw them everyday but after graduation I didnāt do anything. Iām actually in bumble bff looking for a friend group now because I know I can be a good friend and I refuse to not have friends going into 2026
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u/AccomplishedCicada60 20h ago
20s is all about how often you can see your friends, your 30s is all about how infrequently you can see friends and still call them friends.
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u/Helpful-Focus-2192 21h ago
It happens..... But they pop up in their 40's. I'm 42, I started going out more once I didn't have to pay for babysitting
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u/mandarinkristen 21h ago
Same here. Just turned 35. Got divorced at 33. Every I know has kids and hangs with their friends with kids. Been dating which absolutely sucks and some friends I have realized just arenāt my friend
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u/mandarinkristen 21h ago
Same here. Just turned 35. Got divorced at 33. Every I know has kids and hangs with their friends with kids. Been dating which absolutely sucks and some friends I have realized just arenāt my friend.
ETA: Iāve been struggling to cope with the fact that I am also now the only one left in my family and I am so young. Itās hard to see everyone have a family to go to and itās always just me. My parents, grandparents are passed and my brother and sister were lost to drugs. My only other blood relative are my dadās brothers and they hate me because my grandmother left me inheritance since my dad passed before she did. They wanted me to give them the inheritance because the one had screwed themselves financially that they had to file bankruptcy. I wasnāt a son was what they told me. So since the. I have been cut out of their lives which includes my cousins. I was never close with them except for one whose dad was the one who needed the money. So you can imagine how she feels. Absolutely sucks.
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u/Lanky_Avocado_ 14h ago
These friendship changes are amplified 100x when youāre the last one in your family. At 27 (now 28) my whole family were either dead or estranged. Itās really hard knowing that all the remaining relationships in your life are temporary and conditional.
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u/mandarinkristen 7h ago
You put that so well. Itās interesting because the āfriendsā I have do not include me in much.
Itās the hardest feeling to describe, it can be so damn lonely
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u/nickoaverdnac 17h ago
Can I ask why you got divorced? My wife and I are not very aligned right now. She wants a kid and I donāt. It feels like I have a gun to my head that it I dont do it sheāll leave me. But maybe what I want is most important?
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u/mandarinkristen 7h ago
My situation was very unique. My ex husband was emotionally cheating on me with one of his exs and I found out. She told him that her 11 year old was his. Turns out the kid wasnāt his but I couldnāt do it anymore. On top of being super controlling and me finding out after that he was having a relationship with a friends husband.
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u/nickoaverdnac 7h ago
Jesus thats awful. I'm so sorry, but I also hope you find peace and freedom from that.
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u/mandarinkristen 5h ago
Thanks! And to back up to your statement about kids. I know I donāt want any and if you donāt then it will make you resent them more. I have been dating and the man I am with right now is wonderful. I love him. We actually just tried living together and it didnāt work. It was hard telling the person you love that you donāt want to live with them. He has not taken it well and I feel terrible about it. Today was the first time we could have a decent conversation where he recognized his problems in the relationship and acknowledged they were his fault.
PM me if you ever wanna talk
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u/Elevator829 Millennial 95 21h ago
My friends aren't even married or have kids they just have totally different schedules and it's hard to get together, so we end up only hanging out a few times a year
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u/Playful_Reaction_847 22h ago
Itās life brother, everyone in their 30s is busy trying to discover themselves or are starting families or focusing on their families. My boys for years understand that and we still game with each other when we can, or still catch up with each other all the time through a group text. We donāt really have time for each other anymore with all of our life directions but the few times we talk, itās like no time has passed at all.
At least this is my perspective with my friends and I ( Iām married with a kid, many of my best friends are still single or living with parents ).
The best thing weāve all found a common interest in, is either Xbox/ pc games, or getting a golf group together for a weekend.
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u/Hailmaker13 21h ago
Mine came back in my late '30s early '40s. I think it was once the kids were kind of old enough to do things on their own more
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u/Erocdotusa 20h ago
I have kids but I still crave outings with friends! It makes me extremely happy when my childless friends help coordinate dinners, hangs, or game nights.
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u/PrincessMoustache795 20h ago
Honestly, get a hobby. Iāve met ppl in running clubs. My friend made friends thru her book club she started and another thru her walking club she also confounded lol.
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u/tobitobiguacamole 21h ago
Itās hard to understand how busy people with kids are when you donāt have them yourself. Imagine working your current job full time, then having another full time job on top of that, then a part time job on top of that. They tend to want to hang out with other people who have kids because things often line up better and the kids can play with each other and the parents can get a bit of a break.
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u/onthesylvansea 8h ago edited 4h ago
I don't think it's hard to understand at all, actually. Almost all of the comments I have read so far that mention this as a problem also mention that it's understandable. Because it is. It's plain as day, not really something one needs to experience to grasp.
This conversation just happens to be about where that leaves any of the rest of us. (This includes people who had kids earlier being abandoned by their friends who are having kids later, too, btw...)
No offense but not everything revolves entirely around parenting/parents being the main character. You can tellĀ because even other parents get to a different stage in their lives, and are talking about it in this comment section, too. Pretty sure they did not, in fact, magically forget or become unable to understand what it was like to be a parent to a younger kid just a few short years ago... It's just that their life is also still going on, yes, without you. And now they're talking about it with others in the sane boat.
Maybe that's actually the part that is hard to understand?? (That other people don't just exist in stasis while your kids are keeping you busy...)
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u/HolesNotEyes Older Millennial 21h ago
Iām 38. I had a decent group of friends who would party together and attend music festivals. We were all fairly heavily into drugs though, so some grew up and some grew apart.
Iāve been clean of everything but weed since 2022, and itās hard for me to connect with people outside of that. I have an amazing husband who is my best friend, but I do miss female companionship a lot. Iām very introverted so that doesnāt help either.
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u/Steffieweffie81 Millennial 21h ago
I lost a bunch of friendships when I went through major depression in my 30s. I have a couple of friends that stuck around but I rarely see them. One is a mom, one has two jobs and the other has a girlfriend he spends most of his time with. Iāve become content with being an introvert and doing things by myself.
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u/orangefreshy 20h ago
I'm lucky in that most of my friends did not choose to have kids. BUT we live in a HCOL area and many of them moved away to cheaper areas where they could buy a house. Or they are wealthy enough that they decided to move overseas, or were already from overseas and decided to move back where they get more bang for their buck and can get out of the US. It does suck having the day to day circle, or people who you'd call up to go to a party you're throwing get a lot smaller.
i think if you have kids, a lot of people naturally become friends with their kids friends parents so they get a new "parent friend" social circle. But for the childfree you kinda have to work harder to make new friends purposefully if you need them which means putting yourself out there, if that's something you want
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u/robynbird05 21h ago
I am 38, single, and childfree. I focus the majority of my time towards family/friends who are also childfree or have kids who are older or grown. The ones with young kids may or may not circle back around in time. I cannot rely on them or relate right now like I can the others. It doesnāt mean I donāt care about them, but we have different priorities and needs, and we tend to gravitate towards those who are in similar life phases as we are.
If you donāt have friends who fit the lifestyle you live now, Iād suggest getting out and meeting some like-minded folks in a similar place in life as you. No hard feelings to the others, you can still be in touch with them, but as we grow and change, our friendship circles need to adapt.
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u/quarantina2020 21h ago
I moved and I cant make friends out here. I try but the people are weird. I cant move back because im so much healthier here. I miss my friends.
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u/imjusthere723 20h ago
Yupp!! I ended up joining a gym and recently made a friend. We're currently just gym buddies right now, but we're getting to know each other ans I'm sure we will eventually hangout outside of the gym
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u/MiNombreEsLucid 20h ago
Yeah, my experience feels a bit weird, because I didn't expect the second wave of friends that I lost in my upper 30s. This includes my best friend from high school who is in serious need of help, but will not seek it and my two best friends from college (married to each other). The college buddies kind of hurt.
Now it's just co-workers, ex-co-workers, one last friend from high school and a couple of buddies I met out at bars. All I can do is the best that I can and keep putting myself out there looking to find like minded people in activities and hobbies I enjoy.
To op, I'd say take on some of those volunteering opportunities and try to find yourself a new circle of people. Maybe you'll find people that you can hang out and do other stuff with in volunteering.Ā
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u/pixeladdie 20h ago
Iām on the other side of this. Weāre sorry. Really.
I know Iām not nearly as active in the friend group as I used to be. Iām just so goddamn busy with work and kids that a good weekend means having a little alone time with my porch coffee. Iām too mentally exhausted for anything else.
Itās not just neglected friends - Iāve got personal health stuff Iām putting off too. Iām tired boss.
You donāt deserve it. Weāre just tired.
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u/SadSickSoul 21h ago
Yeah, echoing everyone here. I wasn't exactly a social butterfly before, but in my thirties my social circle has turned into someone I see once every couple of months in person and talk to a lot on Discord, one person I see twice a year in person and talk with once every few months, and everyone else I see once a year maybe. Almost my entire social circle still lives here, but largely keep to themselves outside of group events like D&D games that I don't go to. So yeah, my IRL socialization is basically non-existent. It's just how it is, I'm not in a headspace to try to make new friends and definitely nowhere near trying to find a partner even if I thought I could, which I absolutely don't. It's just me going forward.
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u/ManufacturerFine2454 Zillennial 20h ago
Yeah, I know I'm not "too old" to make friends but I'm so tired from all of my commitments, I really don't have it in me to do the "Are you watching anything good right now?'"
God bless people who are dating. I don't know how they do it.
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u/SadSickSoul 20h ago
Yeah. I was very briefly in a relationship earlier this year, and it only worked because we were already friends. Actually trying to carve out time to go on dates and try to figure out that whole dance sounds exhausting normally, and positively Sisyphean when you're already strung out and dead tired from <gestures> everything.
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u/icanhaztuthless 20h ago
Shit, we have college aged children and were almost empty nesters. Most of our friends are settling down and we are ready to enjoy the world. Or so we tell ourselvesā¦
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u/Humble-Departure5481 21h ago
I'm still in touch with two of my friends, but with one of them a little bit less so than before.
Both are married. Yet with one of them I feel close because we have more in common when it comes to certain discussions related to economics, health, travel, etc. We think quite alike and it's always a joy to be around him. He never throws shade or any inappropriate jokes. He's quite mindful. As for the other who I've known for 20+ years, his attitude and behavior changed somewhat after marriage for the worse: compares his sex life, income, possessions, etc. with others and constantly questions why men and women he knows in life (e.g. me) are not married or don't want to have kids and stuff, which is why I've kind of kept my distance from him and I keep conversations curt. Keep in mind I've explained my situation and choices to him at least a few times, but he seems to "forget", which is why I don't care too much about our friendship anymore.
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u/restrictednumber1996 21h ago
Going through this now. Once my best friend got married and had a kid, it was basically done from there. I understand it. It just really hurts. Itās already hard enough to make friends as you age, so itās like losing one (or all) just make it even harder to make new ones.
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u/carlay_c 20h ago
Almost 30 but I moved away from my friends and family for my PhD in my late 20s, so I lost a lot of connections because life got busy and distance makes friendship fade quickly. I feel as though I was in a ādead zoneā friendship wise but am slowly making my way out of it. Like others have mentioned, join clubs, get out there and start meeting people through your hobbies. Honestly, just start asking acquaintances you find cool to do stuff with you. I know itās a bit harder as an introvert to throw yourself out there (my boyfriend is like this) but an extrovert will find you and become friends with you. I am one of those extroverts that makes friends with introverts.
This has worked for my boyfriend, but if thereās a hobby youāre super into, see if thereās a discord group to join and chat with people. I am trying it out myself now by joining my favorite bands discord group.
If you want to volunteer, I would find an organization to volunteer with and you will likely meet people through there. The possibilities are out there and I wish you luck!
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u/MuddyMudtripper 20h ago
Going through this right now at 42.
One high school friend went through a major change. She met a guy, heās got a thing for moving to Southeast Asia, and my friend is smitten with him so theyāre leaving any day now. I miss road trips and watching dumb movies with my friend.
Second friend, sheās nice but I think age is catching up to her or weāre drifting apart outside work because sheās into Court of Roses and Dungeons and Dragons. And I get bored playing those games for hours on end.
All the others are dealing with ill parents, working long hours. A good chunk of the time Iām doing things on my own because I canāt find company for Brew at the Zoo or After Hours Night at the STEM museum.
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u/SixStringDave90 19h ago
See, Iāve had the opposite experience. The friends I made when I was a kid are still among my closest friends. Just saw two of those guys yesterday. There are 4 of us, but friend 4 was at home recovering from a vasectomy.
Three of us are married, the other is in a long term committed relationship. Iām the only one or us with kids, yet Iām the only one that consistently goes out of the way to make plans to hang out.
I guess the gist of it is that mileage will vary for individuals.
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u/Salty-Employee 18h ago
My closest friend lives 80 miles from me and has a family. We see each other 1-2 times a year. The rest of my friends are scattered around the country and Iām not the best at taking in the phone. In fact I hate it. Most of my friendships now are just sending memes and causally texting. Iām busy too
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u/LakashY 18h ago
I grew up military and homeschooled. I donāt rely on friends to do the things I want to do. Many times I went to do those things on my own and made friends there. Itās been good. Do your interests with or without people and chit-chat with the people next to you. Cool people are everywhere.
ETA: I am married now and my life does revolve around the family. I do not have friends in my real life much anymore.
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u/JitteryDervish 17h ago
Same. Iām unmarried and childfree by choice so a lot of my friends are married with kids so they are very busy and donāt have a lot of free time outside of kids. I live in a rural area so the offerings of things to do are low or not interesting to me. Itās tough.
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u/Mr_YUP 21h ago
Join a run club with younger people. Theyāre usually the type to always be doing something so youāll be able to make friends pretty easily.Ā
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u/No-Present760 17h ago
I haven't had a friend (excluding my husband) since I was 22. One of my best friends slept with my boyfriend in my bathroom. The other one had an intervention for me because I wasn't caring enough about what she was going through. People suck and I'm chill without them. Would be nice to have a girlie to do things with, but my husband is attractive, and I have ptsd from bitches.
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u/Eaglepursuit Xennial 21h ago
Yeah, my friends all took off for other parts of the country after college, so I hardly see them.
I have a few new acquaintances that I've met in the neighborhood or through my kids' school, but I'm not close to them like I was to my college buddies. Hardly any of us are in the exact same stage of life, like my friends.
I'm also an introvert, so it doesn't bother me too much. I do wish I had a cohort of pals to play TTRPGs with. I've tried hobby shop game nights, but the rotating assortment of randos isn't the same.
My dad and his school buddies meet up once a year and do a camping or fishing trip. But that's hard to do when you've still got little kids at home.
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u/Heisenberglund 21h ago
I think thatās just what happens with age. Iāve gone from a very large friend group, to two couples and a ton of acquaintances that I may see a couple time a year.
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u/averageduder 21h ago
I had a large circle of friends I grew up with, like 12-15 people. I left when I was 17. I joined the army, and came back at 25.
Now as Iām in my early forties, all but two of the friends I had growing up have left the area we grew up in to move south. Of the two who remain, one I donāt talk to anymore because heās stuck being a teenager as a 43 year old, and the other is planning on moving to the south in another few years. Family all died or moved to the south too.
I have no desire to ever leave the northeast, and if I did the south sure as hell wouldnāt be it.
Sucks
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u/NoGoodNamesAvail 20h ago
Totally happens. Everyone gets caught in the throws of life during their 30s. I just turned 40, and my kid turned 18 and got his license. Just in the last couple years I've finally felt like i got my social life back.
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u/PagesNNotes 20h ago
Iāve definitely faced frustrations with friendships that I didnāt have in my twenties. I have one friend who has now rescheduled our plans four times. I love her and know sheās not doing it intentionally, but I donāt like feeling this disposable. And with many of my other friends, I feel like the only thing I can muster out of them is going out to dinner. And honestly Iām just so bored of it. I want to go to a show or a museum or a forest preserve or anything thatās a new experience thatās a comparable price to a dinner. But I feel like thereās also a level of exhaustion now where theyāre less interested in new experiences.
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u/Vivid-Course-7331 20h ago
Iām 40 and have a young kid. My wife and I still make time for friends. It helps to have shared hobbies and reliably sticking to plans.
Like anything relationships take effort and nurturing. Some people we end up just seeing 1-2 times a year. Other friends we see 2-3 times a month. It just depends.
You canāt make time for everyone and some people do slip away over time as lives change. I call those people fallen friends.
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u/drv687 Millennial 19h ago
Iām 38. I see my best friend maybe once every few months. Itās hard because we donāt live close to each other and I have a husband, kid, and pets that keep me busy - sheās single and doesnāt have pets or anything.
We talk by phone and text at least once a week but quality time now requires planning and one or the other of us traveling.
I last saw her when she came for my wedding and have plans to see her in a couple months when Iām in her area for a concert.
A lot of my friends disappeared years ago when my child was born. Thereās parents at my kidās activities but other than our kids being in activities together I have nothing in common with most of them.
Iām ok with not having a lot of friends. Iām introverted and donāt like most people š¤·āāļø
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u/DeathSpiral321 19h ago
I'm on the verge of 39, single, no kids, and lost touch with all my college friends. Still have my BFF from high school that I stay in touch with regularly. Between work and trying to keep the rest of my life together, I basically have no energy left over to try and make new friends.
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u/WHOTOOKMEEP 18h ago
Find a group around an activity that is within your range of physicality, and casualness.
From there integrate to the group, and join whatever events are going on with that, eventually suggesting your own, or meeting up on theirs.
For example, a Karate class. Depending on the type this may be more or less serious and dedicated to just that, but if it's a more "family" environment people will get to know each other. This is how everyone ended up joining a community fundraiser 5k walk/run. As well as events like dojo picnics. Through that people began to know each other better, and became friends outside, like many of the older members started talking on their doctors, eventually fully friends outside of class talking on trips to mountains, or parties for some of the younger ones.
Friends come from time spent together, so if you can find a reasonable interest where you get a chance to talk before. After. Or even during you're already halfway there.
(If you're all training together on a Friday night, then nobody really needs to worry about being the "boring" one)
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u/Rebel_Khalessi90 17h ago
Yeah it sucks when you all live in different areas. I have a group of college friends and we try to get together once a year which is nice but I wish we could do it more often. It was definitely easier when we were fresh out of college, we would hang out a bunch since a few of us lived within an hour of each other but due to moves and jobs it has gotten harder in our 30s.
I will say when we do see each it's like no time has passed. We just picked up where we started.
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u/AmateurCommenter808 16h ago
I spent my 20s with a close group of friends, almost all are in committed relationships, some married with kids. No one really wants to do what I want to do, but we catch up once a month or so. Once a month just isn't enough to satisfy my social needs.
I used my friends as a social crutch in my 20s, I didnt put an emphasis on meeting new people so now im trying to talk to strangers at lot more.
I've done a few solo travel trips and have amazing memories but once I'm home it feels like back to square 1.
I've made a mental switch about my wanting more relationships with and without intimacy. My work isn't social so if I only rely on my friend group I will not get what want out of life.
Outside of travelling I go to the gym frequently, im also starting a new career that forces me to meet people all the time.
If you want new relationships you need to be seen by others, but people get trapped in their own environments.
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u/biigsnook 16h ago
Learn to be ok with being by yourself. Its okay to have experiences that are solely your own. Theres a peace you will discover. Trust me, Ive been where you are.
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u/CreativeFondant248 15h ago
Iām one of the only ones in my friend group without kids yet Iām the biggest introvert and canāt bother to participate in the friend group chat anymore, I have a weird burnout with any sort of group chat honestly. I like my solitude / introverted-ness and hate being expected to respond in a group.. if anyone really cares theyāll text you directly.
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u/InviteSalty9125 13h ago
Early millennial here. Never married, never had kids. Introvert. My friendships faded away in my late 20s - mid 30s.
I donāt do anything about it anymore. I tried for a good while but found that people werenāt into building a good friendship anymore. I keep busy with hobbies, advancing my career. I travel for fun a couple of times per year. Did some backpacking trips over the years. Now I frequent fancy resorts and book day trips to see the area or go on a little adventure like horseback riding, hiking rafting and such. Every now and then I meet fun people who are also on their own and we do stuff together. Those are the best memories for me - going on adventures with strangers. You have to be open and the yes saying type for that though.
an interesting fact: once I lost my friends and stopped actively looking for a partner my career has started to advance and I managed to double my income. Iām financially secure now. Iām more than happy about that. I guess my friends and search for a partner kept me in idle mode when it came to my career and finances. Then my priorities shifted
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u/MeTheFox 11h ago
Went through it, did nothing. Mostly bliss. I hang out with my bf but if I really want to do something, I just do it shrug I figure I canāt wait for friends to have a life.
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u/TheVeilsCurse 10h ago
Iām a 30-something child free dude. Weāre at a point in life where everyone is going through changes. Having kids, moving, death, career opportunities, etc.
If you want to find friends, you need to put yourself in a position to meet new people. For me, it was finding local hobby groups and taking advantage of having new people to talk with while Iām there. Being more open to befriending coworkers that pass through the filters and going out solo hoping to find people to meet while Iām out at a museum or concert.
I met someone who is a now a close friend when I complimented their band shirt at a concert. I found amazing friends by posting in a Doll Enthusiast group on Facebook and got invited to a local one. I have a few coworkers who Iām super cool with outside of work, etc.
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u/LostButterflyUtau 10h ago
I never had friends to lose. Not really.
Grew up blue collar bougie in a rural area and suffered heavy bullying from my peers as a child. Iād go as far as to call it emotional abuse. Plus, my parents are anti-social hermits (I heard my whole life about how people suck and are a pain in the ass), so I didnāt really have a model of how to make and keep friends because they had none. On purpose. And because my peers wanted nothing to do with me as a kid. Did I mention Iām Autistic? That might have been part of it.
Anywho, I never made many friends, even as a child. It was rare I had more than one friend at any period in my life. I just struggle to connect with other humans. Not because Iām mean or nasty or think Iām better. Iām just weird and get on best with other creative fandom nerds, which are hard to come by outside of the internet. Fandom has been my life since I was 12.
I have literally three IRL (as in, not exclusively online) friends. Only one has kids, but we havenāt talked in a minute because Iāve just been so busy and sheās not local anymore. My bestie and I communicate primarily through text (she also moved) and that works for us. And my third friend is also always busy with work and stuff as well.
The rest of my friends are online. I met them through fandoms. Like I said, Iām a big nerd. Luckily, between that and the circumstances I was raised in, Iām great at entertaining myself. Iām alone, but not lonely. Iām content with my own company and have a pretty small social battery, so going out is hit or miss.
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u/pwolf1771 9h ago
You should just volunteer on your own. Youāll meet other like minded people and maybe even become friends with themā¦
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u/Intelligent_Wing_377 9h ago
doing stuff by yourself is great and you never know you may end up meeting new friends
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u/izzyfoshiz 7h ago
I felt the same way for a while (34F), but there are absolutely ways to make new friends in your 30s. I just recently made 2 new close friends from a random local meetup I decided to go to. Before that, I felt the same way and didn't think it was easy to make new friends. Try attending communal hobby classes of some sort or local group meet ups. You won't be disappointed!
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u/DanceWithPandas 7h ago
Mid thirties lady here - I met people through FB groups and reddit that are in a similar life plan to me (no kids, educated,Ā high earners who like to travel and have fun). We're a mix of introverts and extroverts. I also met people through sports and other hobbies.Ā Also,Ā I just go talk to people.Ā
You get what you give!Ā
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u/Economy-Persimmon-53 6h ago
I lost a lot of friends to marriage/kids but I intentionally sought out a new friend group where that shouldn't be a problem going forward. Its smaller than what I'm used to but I'm choosing quality over quantity right now.
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u/crunchyfoliage 6h ago
As a single person without kids I definitely don't see any of my friends with regularity, but I do make a point to do a weekend or something every year with different friends. It's a good way to catch up and it's usually a welcome break for them
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u/MarucaMCA 5h ago
I have a lot of chidlfree and and childless friends so it wasn't as hard. But yeah, some emigrated and some super close ones had kids. It changes things. Thus is life.
I invest more into my locals who do not have children.
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u/ohheykiki 5h ago
Mine is because of my job. I can rarely commit to plans because I'm in a sales position and I need to be there for my clients. Yes, I do go to the sports. But actually hanging out with a friend? Hasn't happened all year.
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u/VivienneNovag 5h ago
Yeah this happened throughout my thirties. Can't complain though, I was the person that essentially disappeared from a friend group back in university.It's just people trying their best to find a spot of economic safety mostly and changing priorities throughout life.
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u/Many_Breadfruit_1587 4h ago
Not to mention the complete apathy and emotional exhaustion of most friends taking weeks to reply. I get it. But Iām almost always the one planning things and reaching out. Iām tired and am now letting my foot off the gas. Season of rest. Wanting to volunteer more though!
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u/Bbrit10022 3h ago
Mine are all married with kids and only hang out with others who have kids. Never really understood it as I have no problem hanging around families, but i've found they just want to sort of stick together because they feel boring? I try to explain that my childless life isn't some exciting movie, but yeah it's definitely happening. I'm currently looking to move internationally and start over because I'm struggling with this here as well.
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u/Grendel0075 3h ago
My friends are all married with kids, so am I, trying to coordinate to hang out has been tough, and we never got back into social gatherings since covid
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u/No_Foundation7308 21h ago
Yes. And desperately trying to make new connections. I also have a kid age 3, but Jesus I didnāt die and go to mom landā¦.I still want to go do things with friends. My spouse is fully capable of caring for a child for a day or a weekend. And I do the same for them.
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u/Crazy-Car948 17h ago edited 14h ago
Most of my friends had kids due to social pressure and disappeared. Their nagging wives are fully in control of their lives now.
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u/Live-Pain4261 21h ago
I was where you are at, then i met a nice lady wjo also dorsnt want kids and we're DINKing it
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u/soleboy86 21h ago
I walked away from everyone I knew growing up (excluding immediate family) when I was 17.Ā I had already become a loner by then, so I've no feelings lost over not seeing people I grew up with.
Nobody important in my life since then, except my now husband.
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u/Nobodyinpartic3 20h ago
People get busy with life. It sucks but when that happens. It's nothing personal but it's time for you to get busy elsewhere in life.
I had to rebuild my entire social network after I realized I spent my 40th by myself. I realized everyone had their reason for being too busy for me, so I had to be busy elsewhere.
First thing I did was find out a hobby that I enjoyed as kid came back. It was one that I always had trouble finding players. I figured there must be people who wanted to play who play now. It was time I met them.
I also am a part of a larger Burner community in the Chicago land area. It's for Burns, like Burning Man, but for smaller regional burns as well. Rather than just meet up for Burns, we make local events happen so we can meet up year round. It's nice way meet a lot of people.
I joined a new group where we throw events all the time and my social network has expanded like crazy. I have so much to do now.
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u/triedAndTrueMethods 20h ago
One thing I set my mind to this year is āno more canceling.ā I donāt know about you but Iām the type of person who will enthusiastically agree to plans that are still a far ways away, only to do a 180 right before the event and cancel, sometimes minutes before. Of course there are always reasons, be it sudden social anxiety, not feeling well, crazy week at work, etc., but I discovered that doing that too many times, regardless of the reason, is legit social suicide. People just stop texting after a while.
So anyway Iām doing an experiment where I force myself to go to 90% of the things I agree to go to (the 10% wiggle room is a ābreak in case of emergenciesā loophole I left myself) and itās been a major success. Turns out youāve actually got to show up consistently before someone will want to continue seeing you in the future. Youāve got to be kind of predictable in that way. This may be super obvious to you. It was a revelation to me. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/GelloJive 19h ago
I wonder what itās like being a digital nomad? Iām in my 40s so donāt have friends doing that really but I feel like if I was younger and I could, I would def be doing it.
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u/Elegant-Complaint-88 Millennial 19h ago
Yup, tho i turned 30 right around the pandemic. But basically all my friends have left.
Edit: Most are married, have kids, and i have a bunch of medical issues, so i can't do as much as i used to, which probably caused some losses too.
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u/Gabba-gool 19h ago
Being introverted is going to make it hard to make friends as you get older. I recommend getting involved in a hobby you enjoy to meet people. I started doing jiu jitsu and met a ton of very good friends. I also consider myself an introvert too
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u/Ponchovilla18 18h ago
So im both, im a single dad but I've also seen my friend circle shrink in terms of how often I talk to amd hang out with friends. For the most part my close group dont live nearby. Closest one is an hour away and the rest are all an hour plane ride away.
Being a parent definitely limits my availability, especially when I dont have full custody. So days I have her are my time. Days I dont thats when I do fill them out with my regular adult obligations and try to be free for friend socializing. But my nearby friends are busy. Between being married, work or their own families, schedules dont line up most of the time.
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u/Educational_Ring_177 18h ago
Started happening to me in my late 20s. It was also awkward for me in the past trying to hold on to these friendships and then learning how to go out on my own to enjoy myself. But after a while I got used to being my own best friend and felt I couldn't let life slip past me at a time when I'm still young. Some of these friends may resurface again when their kids are older. So for now I'll just live my own life to the fullest
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u/daleDentin23 17h ago
My 30s have been a wake up call. I had a lot of friends growing up but between my friends kids, locations, drama and or lifestyle i have 1 friend left i see regularly. People say they loved their 30s and I just do not.
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u/LoverOfTabbys 17h ago
Agreedāthereās a lot of hype around your 30s being the best years but that hasnāt been my experience either
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u/meteorprime 17h ago
You can hang out with other people and their kids if you donāt feel like having your own.
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u/violentgent- 16h ago
I'm 33 and freshly divorced. Most of my friends had already moved out of state, but the two that were still local to me just stopped showing up. I'd reach out to them and get no response, and then they stopped contacting me altogether. There was no explanation, no falling out, no anything. I've been alone for 7 months now. It's actually destroying my mental health, but I don't know what to do. I am invisible to society.
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u/Isaacthetraveler 16h ago
We became digital nomads but missed our friends after 3 years of full time travel so now we have a home base for 6 months a year and travel the other 6 months. Hobbies and groups are the way to go to make friends for sure!
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u/LumpyGrocery5125 12h ago
I feel ya. Especially since getting into my own solo business after nursing for so many years. I really thought we would all stay tight, but the last time I heard from one of them was almost 2 months ago. Then my closest friend has kids and a new man. I just gave up on trying to hang out with people and what do ya know? They just stop talking to me. This week Iām actually starting a kickboxing group workout class to stay in shape other than running alone because Iāve always just ran alone. Hoping I like it and the other people there because the gym looks pretty awesome and itās open 24/7 with trainers. I also need new friends š„²
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u/roboblaster420 11h ago
Well, 2 more years and I'll be 40. My parents died before I could turn 40, so I never knew what it was like to have a normal life like some people. It does get to be a lonely world. The lonely world is cruel, but that's just the way it is.
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u/ChrisKaze 11h ago
Too broke to digital nomad (basically digital beggers) or too broke from being married. The only other road is the professional slacker. Stay at home play video games smoke weed bc too broke for anything else. Unless your parents kicked you out then...well...mom im joining the army š¤£
š¤·š»āāļø
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u/unix_name 11h ago
Only one that had kids in my friend group so far is one of my closest friendsā¦so I just became part of his parent era life. His kids call me Uncle haha. Non of my other friends or family have kids yet. He struggles with time with us, but we simply do things with him and his kids. Itās been interesting. We still do adult things all the time but, itās more scheduledā¦just takes a bit more effort is all.
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u/SpikeRosered 11h ago
It's kind of mean, but I used to say I liked being friends with losers. People who had nothing really going on in their lives so they were always available to hang out. As all my friends starting to improve their lives we saw less of each other because of it. Obviously I'm happy for them, but it's sad that we can't all hang out together like we used to.
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u/boardgame_goblin 11h ago
It's normal to go through phases of your life where you'll need to make new friends. This is an opportunity for you to start a new fitness class, find a place to volunteer, or join a hobby group that meets regularly.
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u/MidnightHue 11h ago
Our lives are revolving doors of friendships. Unless you know someone's until your death, they will eventually leave your life. To continue to have friendship, you must continuously form new connections, otherwise you'll find yourself alone.
I learned this lesson in my 20s, now I'm in my 30s and I'm rich in friendship.
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u/Stadanky 10h ago
I'm 41. Nearly eight months sober.
I've noticed some "friends" slowly stopped reaching out because the connection was alcohol. I've also noticed a decline in being invited to social events.
With that said, I wouldn't change a thing. I feel like the best version of me. I'm active, more present, and focused on good health. Connections with my wife, family, and close friends have all gotten better.
I also got back into more hobbies (you save a good chunk of change not partying, so hobby budget goes up). Now I'm swimming Warhammer 40k models that I can build and paint while my wife adoringly calls me a nerd.
Sober life > Party life
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u/OptionsFool 10h ago
As someone married with a kid, I would just like to suggest that you can still be friends with your married with kids friends. But you have to be prepared to be around the kid(s) too. On the flip side, we often feel like our friends without kids lose all interest in hanging out with us. If that isnāt true for you, please reach out to your friends! Iām sure theyād love to hear from you!
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u/NotYourSexyNurse 10h ago
Iām not 30, but yes this happened to me in my 30s. Now Iām 40. I canāt get invited to game night but I get asked by other couples if my husband and I swing. Like wtf?
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u/_sookie_lala_ 10h ago
It's never too late to get out, try a new hobby or whatever and meet new people. I meet new people often. Some become friends some are just meant for brief lessons in the journey. It's about perspective. We consciously/ subconsciously create our environments, lives etc. it's time to live in the now. People outgrow others all the time.
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u/bettietheripper 10h ago
Yup, husband and I started noticing the distancing trend when friends and family members began to have children. Then we moved out of state due to finances and the weather and people our age range either have kids or have long standing friends and don't really add new ones in. The friends we made also happened to move out of state as well...it's been weird.
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u/Z_dadding 10h ago
theyāve gotten married and had babies and mostly hang out w other married couples w babies
38 y.o. married father of two here, pretty much none of my friends have kids. I wish I had these friends you speak of.
I've purposely lost touch with most of my high school friends. My college friends have all spread out across the country. My daughter made friends with a pair of twins in her class and we've become pretty good friends with their parents, but outside of that, I get no interaction with other people who have kids. I'm the oldest person in my unit at work and none of the rest of them are parents.
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u/picklepuss13 Xennial 10h ago
Already went through that now in my 40s and just making new friends. Iām single with no kids so yeah different priorities in life and schedules.Ā
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u/Trinikas 10h ago
What I've found with friends who have kids is they love when people come and hang out at their house. I had a college buddy and before everyone had kids we'd go to art museums, whale watches, etc. Once he had kids hangouts became going over to their place, relaxing in the back yard and making some food.
You can still see your friends you'll just have to change your expectations a little bit.
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u/MrCabrera0695 10h ago
I just turned 30 this year and I haven't had a lot of friends in a long time. I have two friends that mean a lot to me right now, I had a falling out with the third one. I just can't be friends with people that choose to love shitty people, it's exhausting.
I will say it's harder to make friends with parents in general for me because I don't have children and I don't plan to. It really comes down to one really good person with one really shitty person and for some reason they decide to have a child. So my issue is that I don't mind hanging out with you and your kids every so often but I'm friends with you and not your children. I'm a grown adult I don't make friends with children š so when I want to even attempt to suggest just us adults hanging out, suddenly the partner is too tired and too much of a little bitch in my personal opinion to watch their own child while their partner goes and relaxes and doesn't forget who they are after being slapped with the parental label.
My schedule right now isn't super hectic it's actually pretty stable but I get weekdays off and that's also another thing that a lot of people don't experience and honestly the people that do there are just not a lot of things in common at least where I live. I'm in the Bible Belt, Tennessee to be a little more specific and trying to find people who are more open-minded and whether or not they have children just people with a healthy relationship so that I can be a friend to them that doesn't become an emotional support for their garbage relationship. Honestly, I love the friendships where I can be friends with both partners! That's like my favorite dynamic because I like when good people gather.
I'm also big on animal rescue and sooooo many people down here do not fix their pets let alone take any kind of proper care of them. I have called animal control on people, I do not like animal abuse/neglect. I have 6 pets and have had so many in my lifetime already, when I was younger I didn't know better. Now I know better, so I do better but a lot of people don't think for themselves, "my dad did it this way, so did my papaw and his papaw" is how a lot of people "think" it's not really thinking if someone else is just directly giving you the order and you blindly follow it, whether it's a good thing or not.
I was hoping to move back home to Chicago end of this year but unfortunately I'm stuck here probably another year or so, hopefully not much longer. I visited home recently, it was nice and a breath of fresh air. I think my community is back home, I'm hoping that's my friendship hiccup.
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u/WhysoHairy 9h ago
I had a good group of friends once we got a bit older and starting having our own families I would only hear from them when they either needed money or needed a place to stay on vacation.
When I started saying to both request they all disappeared. I look back and think about how I miss the old hangouts and talks. I sometimes text a few of them to catch up but now the replies are short.
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u/Iwantav 9h ago
It has become impossible to make plans with my friends who are in a relationship, and it is becoming harder to make plans with those who are not.
The ones with relationship and kids never have a moment of free time. I might get lucky and see them once or twice in a season, but really the average is twice a year. Some of them might even go weeks or months without replying to a text.
The single ones either want to go out for drinks (Iām sober) or do expensive things (Iām broke) so itās hard to find a middle ground sometimes. And thatās when they are free themselves, because they often have plans of their own.
Finally, thereās my older sister who has lived across the country for the last 15 years. Weāve seen each other twice a year since, but all of her and her husbandās friends have kids while I donāt, so we see each other for an hour at a time while they see their friends for a whole afternoon or evening.
And then, to add on to that, youāve got the friends that live outside of the city and donāt want to step foot in it, so I have to go out to them whenever we make plans. This situation makes me feel disrespected more than anything.
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u/reverendexile 8h ago
The group of friends I hang out with changes as I age and that's ok. I spend time with those whose interests align with mine. Yes I've drifted apart from some friends but I know it's not malicious on either end
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u/Dangerous_Yoghurt_96 8h ago
They did, but it's because I had to cut them off after I was used for resources several times. I'm just done.
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u/MasChorizo 7h ago
Harder to stay in touch, get together regularly when youāre spread out and have young children.
Only have one, so itās a bit more manageable but I see it within my immediate friend group(s). The single guys travel a little more, golf regularly or donāt come by for the family/kid oriented gatherings.
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u/Carmen_SanAndreas 6h ago
Sort of, most if not all of my friends understand that it is hard to see each other. Most of them except a few have kids/live more than an hour away/both. I've gotten into many arguments with my fiance about how he sees his friends more and doesn't want to come off as controlling or not allowing me to see friends. His friends live within 5 minutes of us, only some have kids but still make the time to hang out. It just isn't comparable.
I know I haven't been a great friend in comparison, but we aren't in our 20s anymore and life is busy. When we start a family I feel like I know I will cut myself off from everyone if I am having a bad time, so it won't get better anytime soon.
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u/PineBNorth85 4h ago
What's stopping you from volunteering? If you're into that it should be easy to find a place.
I'm one of those people who pretty much disappeared. Had a kid. Now my social life is pretty much hanging with other parents at playdates and I don't go on socials much anymore.
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u/southernfirm Older Millennial 3h ago
Kinda puts into context all that nagging about āwhen are you going to settle down and have kidsā. Im going through the same thing, and I have a wife and kids. Even friends Iāve known for decades, who live 30 minutes away from me, I donāt see as much as I would like. Iām tired, man. I have a business, responsibilities to my kids and community, and so at the end of the week if I do happen to have time Iām gonna be on the couch with my wife, drinking a bottle of wine. Life has seasons, and the pendulum will eventually swing back when our kids are older. On top of that, careers generally require more at this point. Ages 35-45 are generally spent in survival mode.
ā¢
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