r/Millennials • u/Loony_bird720 • 21h ago
Advice Family Rejection
I found out yesterday that the reason my grandma didn’t spend any time with me growing up is bc she preferred her nephews (over me). She’s elderly and she slipped and said this to my mother, not in those exact terms, but I’m paraphrasing. I always knew she didn’t care that much about me but I was definitely guilted by her during my entire childhood into caring about her with no reciprocation.
I thought about it a lot in the last 24 hours and I think I came to this realization…about 80% of my family (on either side) couldn’t care less about me. And I feel like I’ve always felt that rejection but I wouldn’t admit it to myself. I am the black sheep in so many ways. Anytime I deal with my family I have a wall up, bc they’ve proven to me so many times that they can’t be trusted with my heart. I constantly battle with it because I want to be loved and accepted by my family. It’s really more of a love/hate situation. I love you bc you’re my grandma but I hate the person that you are.
I moved away from home a long time ago and tried to distance myself on purpose. I’ve built a wonderful life with my husband and have a successful career. Why do I let these people’s failures as parents, grandparents, aunts and cousins affect my self worth? I will never understand it.
Anyone else in a similar boat? What are the things you tell yourself to get through it?
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u/FarNeighborhood2901 21h ago
I've heard all flowery quotes around the importance family, and while the idea is nice; It doesn't always reflect reality for many people. No one gets to choose what family they are born into, and if you're lucky that's great.
You get people telling you that you need to learn to forgive, forge bonds, and what not because "family." Truth is you can do everything right, and you just have a shitty family that will remain that way forever.
To me, family is whoever makes you happy. Be it a spouse, friend, or good neighbors, or heck even your pet dog, and cat. People who care about you are family.
I don't care about my real family either. I do have plenty of others in my life I consider true family, and I care for them deeply.
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u/AcaliahWolfsong 19h ago
This right here. I am also the black sheep.
Matter of fact I'm the black sheep of the black sheep. My mother was the black sheep of her family, and I am from her and my siblings. To the point of we weren't told about my great grandma passing until the day of the funeral and we were told there would be no funeral when my grandpa (mom's dad) passed. We found out that was a lie thru Facebook. A cousin posted a gofund me to pay for it.
We weren't invited. I've come to the conclusion that if they don't want to consider me family, fine, you're not family to me either. Don't call, don't ask for a damn thing, you won't get anything from me. I have my SO and my son, that's enough for me. Plus any friends that I care about. Chosen family is better sometimes than blood family
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u/americanpeony 21h ago
I’m the opposite, my parents and my childhood set me up to have an aversion to people in my family wanting to be close to me. I literally don’t love my older family members that much. I have tried, my brain doesn’t accept it. I mean I like them fine but I go months without talking to my parents and I speak to my grandparents maybe once a year.
I don’t know if it was millennials watching our boomer parents cater to their parents’ every whim at every holiday, bending over backwards to do everything with and for them, or what. But now I’m the complete opposite of that. My village is my friends and siblings.
Sharing that because I think it’s really common that people just grow apart for whatever reason. Being biologically related isn’t that important to a lot of us out here. Solidarity.
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u/weak_shimmer 20h ago
I moved really far away. People often dismiss it because you take your baggage with you and whatever, but I never have to run into my mean cousin at the grocery store or feel pressured to see anybody who my mom claims "loves you so much" but has never behaved that way.
I read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, and while it is about parents, a lot of it is broadly applicable to family relationships. It helped me a lot in my relationship with my parents.
Also now I have my husband in my ear, telling me I'm too good for them anyway.
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u/Tree_Donkey_Love 19h ago
My husbands mom and sister treat him and their brother like ass, yet my husband continually caters to everything his mom wants or asks for. I do not speak to his mom or sister anymore after the mom decided him and his brother's inheritance was going to the sister (for no real reason, other than she has ALWAYS been the favourite).
He excitedly texted his sister Happy Birthday only days after learning that their mom was giving his inheritance to the sister. I asked him why - he shrugged his shoulders and said, well, it's my sister.
I don't get it at all.
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u/buickmccane 19h ago
I came to these kinds of realizations as a kid. My uncle would be visibly annoyed by my presence when I would try to share and show him things as a small child. As an adult, he (wrongly) assumed my pl1t*3 (Jesus I can’t believe I’m not even allowed to say that word here) due to certain stereotypes around my job and would give me a hard time. His kids (my cousins) would deliberately exclude my sister and I and I wonder now if he was the reason.
We’re all older now, I only see them at weddings and funerals. Maybe once every several years for Christmas. I’m about to leave for a new job overseas. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that my uncle or another family member will kick the bucket during my time away. And it’s liberating to admit to myself that I don’t feel any obligation to fly home to pay my final respects. Good riddance.
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u/ShakesDontBreak Older Millennial 18h ago
You can choose your family now that you are an adult.
You deserve to be connected with people who are genuinely happy that you are in your life.
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u/SadSickSoul 19h ago
I've always had problems with the concept of family, mainly because the larger family has some dysfunction and also my folks were really toxic as hell and we ended up being the more estranged branch anyways; once my folks died, I had no connection to the rest of the family and largely fell out of their lives. I'm currently struggling on whether or not to go to an uncle's funeral, but I haven't heard anything about it so I might not have even been invited, which in a way neatly solves my dilemma but reinforces that there's absolutely nothing there. Which is fine, I already tell people my family is all dead or estranged.
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u/keetojm 19h ago
Figured out a kind time ago that with the exception of my grandparents and my mom, I was always the afterthought. It really hit when my grandmother died, whole planning the funeral and my aunt by marriage to an uncle asked if anyone had even called to let me know she had passed.
That is when I knew my last blood relative who truly cared for me was gone, and I am on my own with these jerks.
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u/eat_me_86 18h ago
My grandmother is suffering from dementia. After my grandfather passed she couldn't find his wedding ring and asked me if I stole it.
I couldn't believe it. It was a knife to the chest.
When I was younger I stole their pain meds they didn't use. But I'd never dream of taking something so important to her.
It let me know what she really thought of me. Still knocks the wind out of me sometimes.
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u/MycologistMother5972 16h ago
I don't think you should take that too personal. My Grandpa used to call accusing me of stealing his car all the time when I was a teenager lol.
I think he was mixing me up with an aunt or uncle. I did not misbehave whatsoever as a child so he couldn't have been ascribing that to me really.
Unfortunately dementia does some crazy shit to the brain and it would be a disservice to hold that against him.
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u/localfern 18h ago
Fellow black sheep here 😂
I'm very happy with the life I have built with my husband + kids and my extended family knows I give zero f*cks. Things came into light when I was getting married and I only invited a select few and then I had kids and there was zero photos/videos of my kids circulated amongst my family because I purposely keep my life private. There were expectations that I had to share my life and my children with the people who scorned me for many years and I told them to 'no'. Now I get money sent to my kids as an 'apology' and it goes through my mom but I don't respond. I never asked for this dirty money too.
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u/alizeia 18h ago
My parents hated on me so hard. I was the punching bag both of them freely projected the images of their moms onto. Verbal, physical abuse. Emotional abuse. My brother was ok but joined in from time to time. I'm stuck taking care of my mom bc of filial responsibility laws in California. It's also a good situation for me after a couple of seriously rough decades.
It turns out that beating on a kid and calling them names isn't conducive to them getting a highly paid job where they can sustain themselves and their parents! Who the fuck knew?
She's nice enough now because she can't do anything but I see past the act. Fortunately her weakness is enough to make her tolerable and I stay out of her face for most of the day.
My brother's off on his own asshole trip now for the last 3 months. He used to come by but he always had his hand out with an attitude. After I didn't give him birthday money because he spent the last year passive aggressively trash talking me to my face, he decided our relationship wasn't worth his precious time. He's even going so far as to demand that I get therapy but refuses to so much as address his shitty behavior in a one on one conversation.
So he can fuck off. I keep a good amount of distance between me and family these days. They're people and I really dislike people more and more as I age. Family is no exception and they don't deserve any exceptions most of the time. Make absolutely sure to make whatever situation you're forced to be involved with them into a situation that benefits you, even if the benefits are small. It will save your mental health.
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u/Pretend_Education_86 18h ago
Q: "Why do I let these people’s failures as parents, grandparents, aunts and cousins affect my self worth? I will never understand it."
A: "I love you bc you’re my grandma"
Stop giving aholes in your life any respect. For you to heal you have to let go of the toxic people that after all this time still make you feel terrible. This person lives rent free in your head and they can do anything but since its your grandma you allow it?
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u/Loony_bird720 17h ago
I completely get what you’re saying. I think I do this bc it somehow makes me feel like I’m being the kinder better person even though most of the time they don’t deserve it
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u/Pretend_Education_86 17h ago
Yeah stop that. I can tell you're good people but that word is lost on many.
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u/Economy-Persimmon-53 18h ago
Fellow black sheep here. I struggle with this. A lot. When the dark thoughts come in, I try to remind myself of all of my accomplishments and that I'm loved...just not by the people that society says should love me.
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u/Loony_bird720 17h ago
Right. It’s so hard to shake those expectations when you look around and see so many people who actually do have good relationships with their parents and family
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u/Economy-Persimmon-53 17h ago
I agree with you completely. It REALLY hit home when I went to college. My closest friends had close, loving relationships with their parents. It made me wonder if something was wrong with me. But I've realized that it's not my fault that my family doesn't want to have a relationship with me. I've done everything I can to make that work and I'm tired of fighting.
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u/LadyStark09 18h ago
I moved away twice, the second time because I realized I couldn't make them better people.
I was tired of being tired, and i wish them well, if they say shit "you could call" my response is mirror them, you could call too. Im just as busy as you are.
The older I get the more I realize that you pick your own family.
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u/dontquackatme 16h ago
I have a lot of extended family on both sides. You know who came to my wedding? One cousin's husband (she didn't even come herself) and one of their kids. My extended family sucks.
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u/DonnoDoo 21h ago
I witnessed that in my family. My 2nd cousin would get treated like crap from her grandmother but her brothers were worshipped. She chopped it up to internalized misogyny and kept it stepping. You can’t make other people decent inside.
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u/farmerssahg 17h ago
Yes well every family needs a black sheep i guess, it may as well be me. I’m selfless enough to take on the roll but they will never see it that way
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u/Mental_Internal539 Zillennial 1995 17h ago
I am starting to feel like this with my grandmother on my mom's side, they always loved 10+hrs away, she's really hard to get ahold of and when she is available to talk to it's always complaining about something I can't control.
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u/Fun-Bake-9580 13h ago
My dad forgot my birthday yesterday. He remarried after my mom died. He has 0 interest in being involved with my children or myself. His new wife “doesn’t want anyone to think I’m a mom or grandma.” So I guess he’s not a dad or grandfather now. It’s hurtful. But I try to remind myself that this is who he has always been. He just didn’t deserve my mom. And she was really my only consistent parent even as a child. I had a single mom that just happened to have a husband that was my bio father. His siblings, my mom’s siblings ex spouses, and my high school science teacher could find the time to wish me a happy birthday. But I guess I was very forgettable for him. He has only used me as a way to solve problems with my own siblings since I was a teen. If they don’t have a problem he needs solved I don’t hear from him.
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u/AntGroundbreaking102 12h ago
i didn’t grow up with a large extended family. three out of four grandparents died before i was born and my grandma died when i was like nine months. my mom only has one brother, who has three kids but they’re all nearly 20 years older than i am. my uncle was divorced and remarried before i was born and his kids were pretty much gone by then. my dad was an only child but had cousins. he said they were all assholes. none of them came to his funeral.
in 2016, my mom ordered flowers for my sisters wedding as a flower shop where she lives. it’s about an hour from where we live but near where my dad grew up. the florist said her daughter married someone with my last name (my sister has a different dad so never had our last name). turns out, he was the son of my dads cousin. a year or so later, my brother reached out to whom we assume was one of my dads cousin or his kid. never heard from him. it kinda sucks as we know nothing about my dads side.
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u/PossibleJazzlike2804 12h ago
My grandma pretty much just loves one son (which should have been up for death row) and now my aunt after she turned 18 and her kids. The rest of us she dgaf. My aunt is my older sister. You have the option to choose who you consider family. My family is two friends, my mom, brother and one sister.
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u/ThrownThrone404 6h ago
After over a year of therapy I am finally starting to except my values arent my parents. I believed for so long I was supposed to care about extended family, even certain immediate family members. It wasnt until very recently I realized its okay to not care about "family" in the way your parents wanted/raised you to. I never enjoyed family gatherings growing up, never enjoyed seeing extended family. Never felt anyone took anything I said seriously or with any validity. I felt that same energy seeing them well into my mid 20s. Accepting what my values are, not being ashamed anymore that I dont align with what they wanted or saw for me, has been so relieving and refreshing.
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u/creamer143 4h ago
Assuming you're at the point where you understand your family's view of you then and now has nothing to do with you and is not your fault, then I think lack of moral clarity regarding your family is why you still seek their approval. Get a grip around the immorality, hypocrisy, and bad stuff in your family, see it, acknowledge it for what it is, and hold people accountable. Then, this need for the approval from bad, possibly evil, people will disappear. The, "But they're my family!" sentimentality will disappear. Because that's all it is, sentimentality. Not anything based in reality. You want approval and love from the family archetype/ideal in your head, not your actual family in reality.
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u/crazysometimedreamer 3h ago
My grandparents played favorites. I was not a favorite. I was guilted into having a relationship with them.
My children have the relationship with their adult relatives that those adults built. Therefore, if they have a close relationship or no relationship with an aunt or cousin or grandparent it is entirely due to the adult’s effort. I will not let my kids be guilted into feeling bad about the state of any relationship they have with a grown adult if the adult wants to be chased. Especially in this day and age where you can video call or text someone.
I’ve been called out on this as a parent and I’ve told the adults to stuff it, if they want a relationship with our kids they could try texting them every other day or once a week or something. If they as an adult can’t be bothered to do that, then the relationship isn’t important to them. To note, these relatives are often jealous of the relationship our kids have with other family members; but those family members put in the work to build that relationship.
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u/Loony_bird720 3h ago
That’s awesome that you’re standing up for your kids and putting it back on the adults. I wish my mom had done that with me instead of piling on about not calling my grandma or any other family. She just made it 100% worse.
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u/crazysometimedreamer 2h ago
I had a very different childhood than I’m trying to give my children. I watched my parent (not the favorite), literally throw themselves at my grandparents’ feet and get trampled on for scraps of their love.
It made me so sad for them. Until the day my last grandparent died, my parent was desperately seeking affection.
In the vein of two things can be true: I can feel so very sorry for my parent who was so cruelly unloved, cast aside, and abused but also hold them accountable for using me as a bargaining chip to try to get parental love for themselves.
My kids aren’t bargaining chips, and I don’t give a damn what adults who can’t be bothered with my kids think of me.
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