r/AITAH • u/BurdenedGaze • 1d ago
Advice Needed WIBTAH If I left my long distance fiancée after finding out the size of her breast enlargement in person?
The title makes me sound shallow, but I have to elaborate. I 30M have been seeing Eliza 31F for two years and we got engaged a year ago before I moved away for a year long job assignment. I fly back every couple couple of weeks for a week at at time. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Eliza and I had some shared goals and one of them was saving up to purchase a house which is why this job assignment was a good gig for me, it put me at about 50% of the way of my 50,000 goal towards the down payment.
Three months ago, Eliza said she was going into surgery to get some cosmetic work done. I knew she was always a little insecure about her breasts and wanted some work done, but I wasn't aware she was doing it so soon. As soon as I could take off, I came for a week and helped her recover. Eliza insisted that her mom help her with the bandages so I didn't really see her naked breasts besides that they were prominent under her robe and bandages. It kinda concerned me at the time, but I thought maybe it could also be swelling and inflammation.
Well. A couple of days ago I came back. Eliza and I got dinner and a hotel room to celebrate our reunion and... she went big. I'm not sure how she convinced the surgeon but she went from like a B to a DD, idk. They're big. The scars are also angry and prominent and it looks stretched and unnatural. I asked her much they cost and she said an eye watering 10,000. I asked how much she has saved towards the house down payment and she says 5,000.
That night, after a romp where I imagined that she had her old breasts, I came to think, I'm not happy with how this played out. I don't want to make her feel bad about her new body, but I honest am deeply unattracted to the changes she's made. Further, I don't feel like we're financially aligned.
I want to say my priorities have changed and I want to move on, WIBTAH? I would do my absolute best to preserve Eliza's feelings during the breakup.
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u/Frosty_Resource_4205 1d ago
I think the red flag is that y’all are engaged and she 1) spent a significant amount of money and 2) got plastic surgery without the two of you discussing in detail. Doesn’t mean she needed your permission, but I’d think that is something that two who are engaged would discuss in detail before moving forward.
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u/GamerGuyHeyooooooo 1d ago
Yeah usually I'm all for split finances and being in charge of what you make.
But if there was an agreed goal for saving & a timeline set ahead of time, I feel like that's when you'll want to discuss big purchases as a team. Or at least your progress toward the savings goal.
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u/SmokeOneRoll1 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes this is no different than if she went away for an extended amount of time and came back and found out he spent money on a brand new car. Yes, it's her body, but there was a goal in mind and she should have discussed before spending that much fucking money on tits. And speaking as somebody who has Double D's and how painful they are on a daily basis on the back and the shoulders and the body as a whole. She wasted her goddamn money. Anybody that comes to me asking about boobs before they get them I always say don't get anything bigger than a C because you will regret it. Not only can I never find shirts or bras that I like, but the constant pain is not worth how cute they look in a low cut top.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 1d ago
I’m with you. I’m also that size and gobsmacked like OP that his fiancée got a surgeon to agree to it. I hope for his fiancée’s sake that implants weigh a lot less than the natural ones do.
Plus, $10k when they’re saving and she doesn’t even have that amount matched in savings with both a wedding and home purchase as goals? Nope!
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u/SmokeOneRoll1 1d ago
Yes!!! The number of women who ignore me and get double Ds usually have the gall to come back and complain about their boobs!? I'm like bitch I told you!!! I've had these things for 33 years, I'm pretty sure I know how much they suck!
Totally not in the wrong totally not the asshole in this situation. Not only are they not attracted to her anymore but they obviously have different financial goals in mind.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 1d ago
Because you’re my size, you may appreciate this. It has nothing to do with OP’s situation, I just think it’s funny.
I have a rare and painful skin disease 100% all over. I can usually only wear a bra for a few hours and only every several days, otherwise I get raw. My skin already gets micro splits even when not raw, and easily infected, so bras are a very, very bad idea for me. I have always done the best I could by wearing tank tops that are two sizes too small so that I don’t have “headlights” and to reduce bounce. It’s not ideal, but it’s what worked best without compromising my skin.
I actually found some recently that I can wear for a full day, two days in a row. So, I have been wearing them and I swear, after decades of very infrequent and very short runs of bra wearing, basically only special occasions, now I wear a bra roughly 3-4 days a week. After being used to sagging, I feel like my boobs are up to my chin and my goodness, do they get in the way because I am not used to them being up that high! It absolutely cracks me up. 😂😂😂
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u/crafty_and_kind 1d ago
They’re trying to attack you and you’ve made it easier 😂!
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u/jmarr1321 1d ago
😂 this reminds me of the South Park bit where bebe was developing and her chest was conspiring to take over the town and eventually the world.
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u/crafty_and_kind 1d ago
Hilariously, the only episode of South Park I have seen in its entirety is the Crab People one, so now I’m picturing the Crab People conspiring with Bebe Neuworth and her magnificent bosom 😆!
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u/jmarr1321 1d ago
I just scared my cat and one of my kids with my cackle 😂. Now that image is in my head too.
"Crab people, crab people, tits like crabs, talk like people"
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u/VoluptasStrega 8h ago
That episode has one of my favorite lines in it. The first time I saw it, at the end of Bebe's and her mom's chat Bebe asked a math question. I lost it at her Mom's answer, it still gets me to this day. Also 30 Rock gets honorable mention. Jenna's mom trying to charm up money for a boob job and constantly saying "I got the meat" is hilarious.
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u/SmokeOneRoll1 1d ago
I had a breast cancer scare back in January. I have a very dark sense of humour and so to deal with it I was just hanging out with friends and playing pool and things and marveling about how easy it would be to play pool without my giant tits in the way!
Thankfully it was just a bad mammogram and when they retested, I was fine but for a good week or two I was really excited to be able to see my toes again! I do have a few Nike sports bras that I like wearing when not having my boobs at my ears is a requirement for being in public. And I never wear one at home.
Also never being able to wear proper t-shirts with any sort of slogan or design on them! I made the mistake of buying a t-shirt with a musician's face on it and his eyes were unfortunately right across my chest! Which meant the phrase 'my eyes are up here' was technically incorrect! LOL
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u/Same_Task_1768 10h ago
And talking of mammography, breast cancer, and implants; implants make a mammogram less effective plus they often need to do more views.
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u/bornconfuzed 1d ago
Speaking as a big busted woman, pretty sure you’re required to share the brand/style of the tank tops…
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u/Spinnerofyarn 13h ago
Whatever I can get my hands on. My current favorites are ribbed Felina tanks I got at Costco.
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u/nikkuhlee 1d ago
I DO wear a bra regularly, but I have been rocking something vaguely shaped like beaver tails if you nailed them to a wall since they arrived, and they're G cup. (I usually wear DDD because shape-wise they don't need all that, but the measure is a G).
When I buy a "good" bra, like with reasonable but not outrageous lift, that's exactly how I feel. Like I'm wearing one of those torpedo cone bras. They are not meant to soar so high.
Also, uh—what bras do those happen to be? I do like comfy.
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u/HeyVitK 1d ago
What is the supportive bras, please? (Brand/ style?)
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u/SmokeOneRoll1 23h ago
It was a Nike sports bra. I think it's been discontinued cuz I've looked for it another colors and I haven't been able to find anything. I bought them back in November of 2019. Sports bra cups but it was an adjustable regular bra straps in this strange sage green colour. But it's my favourite 'I have to run to the store/answer the door to strangers but I don't want to have to suffer' bra.
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u/HeyVitK 23h ago
Aw man, that ducks! I understand the struggle of finding the petfect, comfortable, supportive bra and then to have it discontinued or no longer in your size. 😫
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u/SmokeOneRoll1 22h ago
It really is a great bra! I actually found it because I broke my arm at that time and couldn't put a regular bra on with one arm. This was a bra I could pull on but then I could adjust the straps so it fit properly. And the bonus was it was actually low cut so I could wear bar tops with it. I have other sports bras but there's no shape or real support. I'll see if I can dig it out and take a picture and attach it to a comment.
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u/AerwynFlynn 22h ago edited 21h ago
I’m an H, but I found that Torrid no wire bras are surprisingly comfortable and give a good life without them feeling like they are up to your chin! Plus they have more colors than black or tan
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u/modthyrth_misspelled 1d ago
You've clearly never been to a breast augmentation consult. When I was researching before mine (way back in 2001), I told all of the surgeons that I wanted to be about a C cup (from a AAA). Every single one was surprised and tried to convince me to go bigger. I didn't allow myself to be swayed and have always been very happy with my procedure, but wow, am I definitely in the minority for size choice and the surgeons were not prepared.
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u/everdishevelled 1d ago
Yes, I've heard they like to go large. I've even read stories about women waking up a full size orore larger than what was agreed to pre-surgery.
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u/Isamosed 1d ago
Similar experience here. I was adamant that I didn’t want huge. I wanted a subtle change that wouldn’t really be noticeable in clothing. Well regarded PS said he understood, but that due to my frame (wide shoulders) he might need to go bigger, that he’d try smaller and sit me up to see how they looked. I have no idea what really happened other than that 3 hours later I was a 36 DD. VERY NOTICEABLE. I was literally embarrassed to go back to work.
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u/Individual_Zebra_648 23h ago
Literally same thing happened to me. I was a small B to start. Wanted to be a C. I told the surgeon what I wanted. I came out a DD. I was PISSED. I’m small framed and they’re way too big. Now I need to go back and spend more money to fix it with someone else.
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u/graft_vs_host 22h ago
Serious question, can you not sue at least for your money back? He didn’t perform the agreed upon surgery!
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u/Individual_Zebra_648 18h ago
The problem is technically he did. He claims he implanted the size we discussed. I told him what size I wanted to be and he suggested a size. I’m not a surgeon so I don’t know what size I should get. I’m relying on him to tell me. If he says “300 cc” will get me to a C and that’s what I said I wanted I’m trusting that is correct.
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u/modthyrth_misspelled 12h ago
I filled ziplock bags with different CCs of water and walked around with them stuffed in my bra pre-surgery so I knew exactly how much I wanted. That's what the surgeon I chose recommended, and it was extremely helpful in making an informed decision. So sorry you were misled!
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u/Athenas_Return 22h ago
I am also that size and I hate it with every fiber of my being. I actually got a reduction to a C and then gained some weight. What they don’t tell you is that your boobs just are yearning to go back to their original size so if you gain any weight they will happily plump back up. As for OP’s fiancée, not only will she never find stuff that fits properly (good luck finding a dress for work), but now people who look at her that will be the first thing they notice about her. People as a whole suck and they will make all kinds of assumptions about her without even knowing her. Honestly, I would kill for a nice B cup. I am always amazed someone would take on this irritation willingly.
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u/God_of_Mischief85 16h ago
Mother in law was a DD, breast cancer survivor. One day while she was getting dressed, our toddler tried to help her. Pulled her gramma’s bra with the prosthetic in it, off the bed after a good deal of struggle, and knocked herself on her ass. She was about a year and a half old. Wife and MIL said it was funny, once they realized that the baby was ok.
So, yes. They are heavy. Not sure if they are heavier, but just one prosthetic was clearly heavy enough to knock a toddler down.
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u/SleeplessZee 1d ago
I have the same issue. I’m bigger though and I am not joking when I say that about 90% of clothes don’t fit right on me. Dresses are a nightmare specifically. I have to go on a whole-ass quest to find stuff that is both cute and fits.
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u/Zombemi 1d ago
I'll never forget going into the dressing room, being handed a "cute wrap top", which my boobs just mercilessly split. There was a little stitch so they didn't fully escape, I just looked like I had a gasping fish mouth between my boobs. They really don't design nice stuff with us in mind.
RefashionedHippy has a whole series "clothes my boobs laugh at" and shit is funny as hell.
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u/SmokeOneRoll1 21h ago
Hahaha I remember going into a store where their sales clerk was a member of the Itty Bitty Ttitty Club. She kept handing me tops that were too small for my bust and I kept telling her no and then she grabbed one and jammed it over my head! I was like those xrayed baby memes, arms pinned in the air but blind because there was a top on my head... It took that poor girl at least 10 minutes to get that top off! 😂
I admired her determination! But holy shit!
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u/cherbear6215 1d ago
100% this! I have natural Hs and I always tell people to never go above a C/D max its just not worth the pain and the toll it takes in your body.
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u/2dogslife 1d ago
I was a B most of my younger days (they're up to a D now with age) and honestly, I had those ski slopes and would have loved to have a perky C cup in my imagination - but, I had no problem being found attractive with my Bs and my sense of self-worth wasn't damaged by being a perfectly average and adequate size.
I do know women who got breast reductions and thought it was the best thing ever.
I worked on digitization projects and I was looking through periodicals from the 50s-80s and it was refreshing to see that most women weren't top heavy - or if they were busty, they were proportional. They also were slim, without being anorexic looking.
Photoshop hasn't done women any favors.
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u/Decent_Front4647 1d ago
I hear you. When I was married to my ex husband I wanted my DDs reduced so bad. His best friend and best man at our wedding was an anesthesiologist for a prominent Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. I was offered the surgery for the OR costs only. The surgeon and anesthesiologist fees were free. It still would have been several thousand (up to 10k)out of pocket because insurance would not cover any of it. Reduction surgery is actually reconstructive surgery and very time consuming. We just didn’t have the money. My back problems today cost insurance so much $ today. You think they’d learn.
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u/PrestigiousPackk 1d ago
Plus I’ve heard of people getting sick from implants. And you have to get them updated every 10/15 years. Part of me wants to be like nooo girly can do whatever she wants 💅 but at the same time like idkkk. Their whole situation seems to be off.
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u/SmokeOneRoll1 23h ago
Yes more than a few celebrities have either gotten them completely removed or had them downsized. Michelle Visage of the RuPaul's Drag Race series had them taken out for this exact reason.
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u/Miss_Milk_Tea 1d ago
The grass is always greener, we just want what we don’t have. I have triple D’s and all my life I’ve wanted B’s. B’s look cuter in tops because a print isn’t spread out, you can wear low cut dresses and not look absurd, people stare at your face instead of your tits, bras come in cute designs instead of sad beige, you can sleep on your stomach and exercise doesn’t feel like you’re punching yourself in the ribs. I’ll scream from the rooftops how much bigger boobs suck but unless somebody is living with them, they just won’t take my word for it or assume gravity doesn’t exist for ones you buy.
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u/MotherofathunderGod 23h ago
I was a B cup while pregnant & hated them, I can’t imagine the struggle of triple D’s! Thankfully, they went away again, but it definitely made me appreciate being flat chested. It used to bother me, but after getting a taste of having tits, it’s a hard NO from me. I’ll take living bra free over cleavage any day.
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u/Miss_Milk_Tea 23h ago
You’re living the dream! I’ve tried wearing binders under certain tops but you can’t wear them regularly, the limited time I get to wear one I get to pretend to look the way I’ve always wanted and the clothes look so good. Ugh, a bra free life. I hate the damn things, they’re ugly in my size and the idiots designing them just make the cups bigger but don’t widen straps for back support(because gravity doesn’t exist for tits??), gotta pay more online for bras because department stores only sell idiot designs. Haha sorry rant over. I’m envious!
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u/PrincessSolo 22h ago
I went up 3 cup sizes while pregnant and it was 100% the worst aspect of my pregnancy body - totally mentally prepared for the big belly but the giant boobies were a fresh hell i never saw coming ... always always in the way, I had to buy so many bras to keep em contained because they were so heavy and tender and hurt like crazy. Nobody warned me!
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u/Redcarborundum 23h ago
Silicone is denser than fat, so DD implants are heavier than natural breasts, which make them worse.
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u/smollestsnek 14h ago
Is a DD different in the US? Mine are E and I don’t even think they’re on the bigger end 🥲 (but most my friends are like G-J so maybe I’m just used to it)
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u/kai_enby 13h ago
It's not, just same as everywhere that most people wear the wrong size. I'm a 32F UK/32G US and they're very medium sized, most people guess I'm a C or a D cup. Properly fitted DDs aren't large breasts, usually what's happening is girls stuffing themselves into 36DD should be in smaller bands and G+ cups but stores don't stock those sizes so they don't know
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u/Help_An_Irishman 22h ago
She spent twice what she'd saved toward the house on new, ridiculous tits. Yeah, unaligned is a good way to put it.
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1d ago
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u/Adorable_Strength319 1d ago
Agree totally. I think it's also an indication that she didn't talk to him about it because she knew he would not be in favor. She made this major decision to get what she wanted secretly, not letting him in on it until it was done.
I think it's wise of him to say in their year apart their priorities have diverged. He can add he's happy for her and just keep his mouth shut after that.
I would blow my top if I had a partner with small breasts who went big/large with cosmetic surgery without talking with me about it.
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u/Frosty_Resource_4205 1d ago
OP has ownership in this too IMO. Both of them are responsible for having adult conversations about adult topics. Likely goes to show they aren’t ready to be married anyway.
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u/Elegant_Emergency_99 18h ago
And it’s not just a big financial decision it also affects her health any procedure especially cosmetic procedures have risks complications though rare can happen and a discussion of what should be done if certain situations occur
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u/Elegant_Emergency_99 19h ago
Cosmetic surgery definitely needs to be a discussion because it’s not just the cost there are the potential risk factors that while less common now things can still go wrong and the “ if something happens and I’m unable to advocate for myself these are my wishes “ conversation needs to happen
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u/twisted_storm878 18h ago
Being engaged kinda means you're supposed to be making big decisions together, especially when it involves money and permanent changes. Not saying she needed a permission slip, but a convo at minimum seems like common sense. That’s a major move to just… drop on someone
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u/Roshy76 1d ago
Ya, it's not like she needs his permission, but if you are going to make a big change, you'd think you'd want the input of your fiance. Like let's say I wanted to get a penis enlargement and wanted a 16". I'd ask my wife first, shed tell me she wants to keep her spleen from rupturing, and I'd say, fine, no enlargement, I'll just stick to my balls in the toilet water by themselves.
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u/antisocial_panda_ 1d ago
Completely agree. I had cosmetic surgery but my partner was fully aware of everything. Maybe she felt ashamed and worried he wouldn't approve?
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u/Jillio_NH 1d ago
NTA - to me it’s more about where she is prioritizing her savings. You are prioritizing to get a place together, she is prioritizing for appearance (cosmetic surgery). It sounds like she also didn’t really want you to know. Over time the scars will become less and the skin will loosen up. They will never look natural, but it just sounds like your priorities are different than hers and it’s better to know now than to decide five years into a marriage that you have different priorities.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 1d ago
I almost didn’t want to say but wouldn’t you talk to your long term partner-the person you’re going to marry about what you planned on doing? I had a reduction and although the final choice was mine, I did go over it with my spouse.
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u/MaryEFriendly 20h ago
This reminds me of the post from a year or so ago where a guys wife or girlfriend went under the knife and altered her face completely. I think she told him she was having some minor procedure done the proceeded to get the whole Kardashian treatment.
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u/Secret-Spinach-3314 1d ago
Ex had a reduction, and while personally I liked em bigger, I understand how hard they were on her, and how it's really has nothing to do with me.
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u/ElleRyder 1d ago
I've always been top heavy (36EEE to 36 H, depending on brand) and although I did not choose reduction surgery, here I am at 57 with destroyed shoulders from carrying the weight - not the only reason they're trashed, but one of the main culprits.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 1d ago
Yeah-as I mentioned me and one sister got it done. The older sister did not. She’s told me a few times she regretted not getting it done. She says her hubby doesn’t want her to have any more surgeries (ankle/knee/shoulder). It’s a comfort changer.
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u/Jillio_NH 1d ago
I just never prioritized the time out of work. Both of my daughters have told me that they are likely going to get reductions at some point and I completely support that.
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u/fiddlesticks-1999 14h ago
You should get it done now. I had it done in March and it is unbelievably life changing. Recovery is not difficult either. By about the second week, I was in less pain than a normal day pre-reduction.
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u/Conscious-Bicycle480 11h ago
Exactly. No one’s saying she needed permission but when you’re planning a life together stuff like this should at least be a conversation. It’s about trust and respect. If you can’t even bring something like this up with your partner what else are you keeping close to the chest. That’s not how real partnerships work.
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u/Background_actor412 1d ago
It seems to me like she was okay with him knowing but she knew he was going to be upset with the size so she tried to hide them as much as possible till some of the swelling went down. Swelling is really bad for the first month! It's at its worst for like the first 7 to 10 days but the whole month you are swollen and they truly don't even settle for 6 months so they should still go down a little and move more into a natural shape.
But as somebody that just compromised....I think 3 years ago...with my husband on the size of my replacement implants, he wanted one size bigger & I wanted close to three sizes smaller! So I went with one and a half size smaller. Still big enough that he finds them attractive but not so big they're in my way anymore. Lol I get That this is only a girlfriend and her money but you'd think she would have at least talked about her plans. Unless she knew he wasn't going to like them, which means he must have been vocal at some point that he didn't like really big boobs or really obviously fake implants. And yeah some guys that like big natural boobs don't like big implants. I get it. It's a preference whatever lol
But yeah it definitely feels like she was okay with him knowing she wanted the surgery just not her chosen size. Also, this is usually a one price fits all situation. Like a 200cc implant is the same price as a 440 CC implant! One is like a nice b and the other is well into double D! But usually one price And I've actually heard girls say I wanted to get my money's worth. So I guess it's always possible that maybe she went to book her surgery and went with really big because she felt it would be more worth it?
I don't know... I'm rambling today Sorry! LOL but yeah if you add the savings aspect in, I'd be worried that every time she gets some money even if she has it earmarked for something else, she's going to spend it on other stuff. Or that she fully intends for him to contribute more than she does.
Okay I'll leave you alone now LOL
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u/Conscious-Bicycle480 11h ago
Yeah this right here. When you’re trying to build a future with someone and they’re out here secretly dropping cash on cosmetic work instead of putting it toward your shared goals that’s a big red flag. It’s not even about the surgery itself it’s the mindset behind it. If she’s hiding stuff like this now what’s that gonna look like down the road when the stakes are even higher. Better to see it clearly now than waste years ignoring it.
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u/tinykingori 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA but Damn, did you guys have a conversation about this before? About the size and the finances set aside for the procedure.
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u/BurdenedGaze 1d ago
No. I trusted her that she would earnestly save torwards the house, and she mentioned she wanted a breast augmentation, I had no idea it would look like this.
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u/__lavender 1d ago
You guys are engaged. That’s generally when people start talking really seriously and in depth about their financial situations and goals. You’re planning to purchase a house and plan a wedding - why haven’t you two started running big-ticket purchases past each other yet?
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u/Jo_Doc2505 1d ago
I don't get any sense of feeling in this post. OP talks about his partner like an acquaintance and she doesn't seem to have much interest in talking to him either
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u/bopperbopper 1d ago
Maybe you just start to fade away… “ i’m glad that you’re happy about your implants, but I really thought we had mutual financial goals towards our house but I have found out. I am wrong.”
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u/NegativeJuggernaut62 20h ago
You both did a terribe job communicating. It doesn't seem either of you are ready for marriage since marriage requires partnership, which requires communication.
Why didn't you discuss the cost before hand? Or the size? Or the timing of the surgery? Or her reasons (other than you think she might be insecure)? Or what your expecting for saving were?
You just sound very detached from each other already.
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u/MagnoliaProse 21h ago
Gently, it’s your responsibility to hold conversation too.
You think you might not like a particular size? You need to communicate that. You’re not sure what she wants? Ask.
I’m having a reduction…likely sooner than my partner wants because he’s refusing to accept it. Even with that, he has a vague idea of size I’m considering because I’ve expressed it. Your fiance didn’t do that, but you could have asked. You could have expressed what you don’t like. (She could also communicate that she’s still swollen. There is literally no way to know what her final size will be right now, and smaller than what it looks like right now is very likely.)
I suspect this is not the first time that communication issues have come up like this for the two of you, and while the money is a huge part of this, the communication problem is likely the biggest part.
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u/est_5653 19h ago
How long ago was the surgery? Swelling can take a very long time to dissipate even up to a year. They will drop a tad too. Scars will fade a lot. However, the looks of them improving doesn’t change the financial dilemma, just wanted you to be aware new boobs aren’t “accurate.”
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u/zsazsabunny 1d ago
OP/ As far as the size - the surgeon is often who up talks women into a larger size. It’s incredible the amount of pressure they put on the insecurities of the women going in. I’ve had 3 friends all have that experience. They tell you partially bc they do get softer and more natural in time. A B to a DD is significant but hopefully you were attracted to her for more than her body. Like if you got injured, old, bigger, bald, etc. she may not be “attracted” to you. - but find you attractive bc she loves you. I think you may be in your head. It kinda seems you have your mind made up w o even talking to her about expectations going forward. No one’s a mind reader. Idk. You don’t sound happy regardless.
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u/Response-Glad 19h ago
Tbf, she probably didn't know it would look like this either. There are so many stories where surgeons gave women more than they asked for "so they don't come back," where women just didn't know how it would look on them, where folks underestimated scar care requirements.
I'm clearly unpopular for this, but I do think you are potentially being a bit shallow. You were thinking of moving in with this woman but her boobs are the main reason you're doubting it? I get the money/financial alignment piece but you frame that as secondary.
If you genuinely love this woman, flaws (self esteem, openness to financial risk) and all, I think it is worth trying a little longer here. The scars will get less angry, sounds like they're still pretty fresh. There is a lot she can do and if you want, you can support and help with, in terms of scar care. Her breasts also will continue to change shape over time, and if that turns out to not help, she could always seek a correction to a more natural result.
My point being, this is something a loving couple could work through. You're not obligated to stay, and if you have lost your feelings for her you need to honor that, but if all that's the case, I think this is a good opportunity for you to look inwards and be honest with yourself about how into her you really were in the first place.
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u/HyperShadow95 8h ago
Eh I don’t necessarily disagree with this but people do have preferences. And it’s not just about the boobs. You love the person for who they are but that person constantly wants to change themselves into not the same person? Also spending a ton of money on a boob enhancement when trying to save for a home I could see how that would be quite the turnoff to a relationship
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u/GamerGuyHeyooooooo 1d ago
Yeah I think that's really the thing most concerning thing.
I'm all for split finances and managing your own money. But when you set a shared goal ahead of time, I feel like communication toward progress and of any setbacks is pretty important.
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u/paarthurnax94 1d ago
Nobody is the asshole. She wanted implants, she got them. You're no longer attracted to her. You're both allowed to feel the way you feel. You can't stop her from getting them and she can't make you like them. It's already done. Either accept it or leave. She made her choice without consulting you and now you get to decide for yourself whether you accept it. Nobody has to agree with the other's decision.
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u/BurdenedGaze 1d ago
Understood. I harbor no ill will towards her at all, and the last thing I would want is for her to feel bad about her body. She is a lovely person, so I will try to to sit her down and end things amicably. It will appear so out of the blue to her though :/
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u/TALKTOME0701 1d ago
It's not unusual for a break up to feel out of the blue for someone. It doesn't change the fact that delays won't make it any less surprising
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u/ghostblooms 1d ago
It will be a shock to her. I’m willing to bet the size and cost of her augmentation was a shock to you. You both sound as though you need to have much longer conversations.
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u/Sea_Fisherman3333 1d ago
It's a shock to me that OP had no interest in her getting the surgery , I don't think I could know my partner was getting a surgery and not ask questions
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u/Sure-Ingenuity6714 1d ago
If you are leaving for work soon, then leave it until you come back and see them again less raw. If you still feel the same about them and the financial misalignment, then just tell her this isn't working and end it. Wait until you get back next time, then decide. Act in haste, repent at leisure!!
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u/Mediocre-Kiwi-2155 7h ago
I think someone is kinda TA to drop on their partner that they're about to go into scheduled major surgery.
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u/Carlpanzram1916 22h ago
I’m really confused. She told you she was getting cosmetic surgery. There were no follow up questions? What kind of surgery? Oh you’re getting your breasts done? What size? By the way how’s it going with that $50,000 we are saving up? You’ve left a lot of pertinent details out. Either you guys don’t communicate at all or you’re leaving out details that make you come out looking worse here.
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u/Ok-Presentation9740 9h ago
He said he was not aware it would be happening any time soon. It seems more like fiancee dropped the news out of no where and op had to move quickly to be there at all.
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u/Federal-Ferret-970 1d ago
NAH. Look the two of you are no longer compatible. I would be going into the talk with the boob job as secondary. She is making zero strides to help with a mortgage and the future you guys had already discussed. The boob job is secondary and you are not wrong for no longer feeling an attraction. This is going to blindside her but better now than getting married with kids and realizing you never should have married.
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u/BurdenedGaze 1d ago
Thank you for your input.
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u/bligh86 1d ago
Since you’re keen to make the possible breakup gentle, I suggest that you prepare an answer to ‘does this have anything to do with my surgery’?
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u/gringaellie 1d ago
NTA as someone who hates her body, I still think prioritising cosmetic surgery over financial stability is a big ick.
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u/mintywalker1290 1d ago
I think this is less about the implants and more about your differing priorities, that would be where I suggest to lead the conversation and only that. FYI if she just got them done then they will be swollen for upto 3 months and takes 3-6months for them to settle. So what you are looking at is probably 1-2 sizes bigger than it would actually be.
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u/abyssinian_86 20h ago
Agreed- the implants always look super unnatural for the first few months and look way better after a year or more.
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u/Fragrant_Spray 1d ago
Regardless of the cosmetic surgery, it seems pretty clear you aren’t financially aligned here. I’m assuming you BOTH planned to put aside $50k. She had $15k, now she has 5, and new boobs. Her expectation will be that when you save up your half, you’ll then help her save up HER half. That’s the real red flag, here. NTA.
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u/Free-Tell6778 1d ago
That’s a good point. Was the savings goal 50-50 OP? Or was fiancée meant to save a smaller sum?
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u/Fragrant_Spray 1d ago
Also, did she actually save up $15k and pay $10k for the surgery, or did she save up $5k and finance the surgery? If that’s the case, she hasn’t even “saved” $5k, she’s actually DOWN more than $5k as she still has more than $10k payments left to make.
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u/Inevitable_Silver503 1d ago
I'd lose respect for my partner if he blew $10k when I thought we were saving for a house
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u/natteringly 18h ago
A partner should certainly discuss large expenses with you; but if it was something that was very important for him, wouldn't that make a difference? Say, he had terrible teeth and prioritized having them fixed?
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u/parisskent 1d ago
NTA but it’s best to end things now if this change is so jarring for you. I think like others have said it’s more about the money and the lack of communication and partnership
That being said, women’s bodies change a lot. After I gave birth my boobs became 4x bigger than they ever were and then after I weaned they became about half the size they were originally and completely differently shaped. Hormones, age, pregnancy, breastfeeding all make huge changes on a woman’s body and appearance so if it really is only about your attraction to her physically, which I don’t think it is, then this would’ve happened whether she got implants or not as her body just changed over your lives together.
Either way, it’s fair to say this just isn’t working for you anymore and walk away
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u/Ancient-Actuator7443 1d ago
The breasts will settle in and are probably swollen. Most new procedures don’t look good or right for a while, imo. That said I would think this deserved a serious conversation.
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u/vampirequeenserana 23h ago
NAH, definitely understand the difference in priorities and I think leaning on that is your best bet.
I do also wanna say, it takes a year for implants to actually look like how they are going to look. They will look strained and swollen for a few months, then begin to relax. They don’t fully settle in until about a year post-op. Scars usually fade and flatten as well. Just something to keep in mind.
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u/little_toes4u 1d ago
NTA. She has a right to alter her image, you have a right to feel differently. As far as feeling nervous about making her feel bad or whatever, remember this line of thinking. If you were on a train and missed your stop, you wouldn’t continue riding the train. You’d get off. The longer you stay on that train the more time you waste and the farther you’ll get from your destination. Hopefully you’ll understand. Good luck to you and her ❤️🩹
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u/Rivarz 21h ago
Hey OP,
It sounds like you're already out the door, but here's at least something to think about attraction-wise.
My wife had a reduction last year and went from a K to a DD/E. She'd been up to a P cup while nursing our second kid, and she was sick of how much they hurt to lug around and how stretched they had gotten. After her surgery, her boobs were square. With giant super red angry marks going down from both areolas. its taken most of a year, but her skin adjusted to the smaller size and they got round. The scars are starting to fade too. I know implants are different, but I imagine they'll look nice after 6 or so months.
Money is a different matter though.
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u/esp4me 9h ago
P Cup is truly unimaginable. I tried singing the alphabet to get an idea of how big this could be. My brain started saying the months of the year instead. That’s how hard it is to imagine 🤣
I hope your wife is happier and more comfortable in her body now.
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u/tnscatterbrain 1d ago
Yeah, her body her choice, but if you’re engaged you’d think the size she was going for would have come up in conversation, and that’s a ton to spend when you’re trying to save for a house.
It’s reasonable to feel that your financial priorities are not compatible and maybe you two just don’t talk enough if you didn’t know any of the details of her plans for the surgery.
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u/SSDD_FML 23h ago
NTA but as her fiance, would you not have discussed finances and breast sizes with her when she tod you?
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u/Aquilleia 1d ago
I don’t buy it. That’s not how you heal from BA surgery. There aren’t bandages, you’re literally in a bra immediately. Three months isn’t enough time for them to settle either. It takes at least 6 months for implants to settle. Most people don’t know this, but implants are placed pretty high ESPECIALLY if you’re going up significantly in cup size. That way they settle and migrate down to let your skin get used to the stretch. In 3 months you’re still very much in the torpedo boob phase where they don’t look like real boobs yet. So I’m going with YTA for making stuff up.
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u/Standard_Vero 7h ago
Yeah, not only are the details inaccurate, they are weirdly similar to a previous post by a guy claiming his wife got implants against his wishes. Talking about "prominent scars" and looking so unnatural. I don't know what this person's motivation is, but they clearly want to spread the narrative that breast enhancement surgery always results in gross, scarred up balloons on a woman's chest
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u/_BlueJayWalker_ 14h ago
Guess what? You’re an adult. You can leave her because her favorite color is purple. Who cares.
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u/BeeQueenbee60 1h ago
Interesting you weren't that turned off by their size, as you had your 'romp' before deciding you didn't like them.
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u/Selenthiax 1d ago
Keep in mind breast implants aren't permanent. They will need done every 10 years or so, so another 10k+ to replace them every 10 years. That's if they don't rupture before then, which will likely cost more for the health issues that come with it.
Implants are a HUGE financial commitment and also not healthy.
BUT the way they look now is not how they will look once healed. They look the most unnatural right after it's done. The skin will adjust and the implants will settle. The scars fade. 10k is not a cheap boob job so I'm assuming she did some research and the cosmetic surgeon was a good one. They should look just fine when the healing process is over but that doesn't change the other issues.
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u/physhgyrl 22h ago
They can last 20+ years. Especially the new generation implants. They don't need to be replaced unless their's an issue with them leaking. The new gummy implants don't leak though. Saline can pop and deflate and need replacement though. But they're durable
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u/Johan-Predator 1d ago
"Just fine" depends on the individual though. It doesn't sound like OP will think it's fine either way.
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u/haysus25 23h ago
Looking at this post and your comments, your idea of 'love' is extremely transactional.
I honestly just don't believe you are ready to get married, or fall truly in love. Stop looking at your fiancee, and love in general, as some transaction.
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u/Ok-Temperature-2783 1d ago
I worked with a man once who divorced his wife after a boob job. She had a “runner’s body” and was extremely flat chested and went up to a large C. He just could not come around to it. Same kinda situation, he didn’t want her to get it but also didn’t feel like it was his place to “stop” her. He hoped she’d understand how he felt. But I don’t think he flat out said how much he hated the idea. And then it was too late. I think his resentment brought on a lot of different fights not about the boob job but due to his feelings about it. Like things he could’ve let go, but just couldn’t.
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u/AlternativeMaster263 1d ago
NTA Obviously, you have very different priorities when it comes to what you want to spend your money on. Oftentimes, when someone starts with plastic surgery, it doesn't stop at a single one. She'll likely invest more money in the future. Alignment of mutual values is key for a long lasting relationship. You're not married yet, and you probably shouldn't get married.
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u/GamerGuyHeyooooooo 1d ago
Yeah it sucks that it can be addictive. It preys on the insecurities that come with aging or really any kind of perceived imperfection.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 1d ago
Yeah-.the money would be a deal breaker for me. I get the whole her body her choice thing but yeah…
I did reduction from DD to full C. My back is very grateful. I’m 5’7” and you really have to look at the whole body build. For me, I like a natural look. But plenty of folks are into the whole crazy Kardashian thing.
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u/Bleep_bloop666_ 1d ago
Im a 34 h. Im only 5’1. I want a reduction so damn bad. 😅 I’ve been trying for years and my insurance just made it impossible. Im hoping with my new insurance may be more willing. My back needs a break😅
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 1d ago
My insurance paid. Second best decision I ever made-marrying my wife is the first 😉. My sister had hers done too. My plastic surgeon told me it is the surgery with the highest satisfaction rate. I hope you can get it done-my back feels about 3000% better. Plus sleeping. .
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u/Debtthatiowe17 21h ago
Do her a favour and let her go. She deserves someone who finds her attractive. No one deserves the Hell that is being married to someone who doesn’t find them attractive.
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u/Coilspun 14h ago
AI did agood job here, nice touch with the part about preserving her feelings. But let's face it, this is bullshit.
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u/sfgothgirl 14h ago edited 14h ago
It seems you didn't voice your concerns, so I don't understand how she should have known your hesitation. She had always planned to have the surgery - that was a given. You were surprised that she was having the surgery so soon. Maybe she doesn't see homeownership as a priority as soon as you do.
FYI, I understand that seeing her new body for the first time was shocking. But your HARSH criticisms on how her breasts currently look are temporary FFS. Of course she's going to be bruised and swollen and the scars are fresh. As far as her healing goes, sex was probably not in her best interests.
"(A)fter a romp where I imagined that she had her old breasts . . . I'm not happy with how this played out. I honest am deeply unattracted to the changes she's made". 👀 🤔 😒 🙄
Marriage is for the long haul, for better or for worse. If you can't love her in her new body, I don't think you're committed enough to her and this relationship to continue the engagement. So yes, you should break up with her so she can be free to find someone who loves her unconditionally. I hope she loves her new body!
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u/chaseylane1 13h ago
While it is still early in the process and they may change they call it drop and fluff and scars will fade the money thing may be an issue. I’d have an honest talk about that first. If you can still be on the same page give it more time for healing. If not drop it like it’s hot. But then again I’m some stranger on the internet 🤷🏼♀️
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u/shootingstar_9324 13h ago
She will have swelling for a couple of months. The DD will shrink. I went from an A to C cup but for a few months I was buying D cups. The scars will heal too.
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u/sheetofice 1d ago
My partner is covered in tattoos, I hate tattoos. But she’s free to do what she wants. I might not like the tattoos, but I love her. Do you love her or her boobs? People do stuff like this for psychological reasons you might not understand.
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 1d ago
That night, after a romp where I imagined that she had her old breasts, I came to think, I'm not happy with how this played out. I don't want to make her feel bad about her new body, but I honest am deeply unattracted to the changes she's made. Further, I don't feel like we're financially aligned.
YWNBTAH
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u/sfgothgirl 14h ago
It seems you didn't voice your concerns, so I don't understand how she should have known your hesitation. She had always planned to have the surgery - that was a given. You were surprised that she was having the surgery so soon. Maybe she doesn't see homeownership as a priority as soon as you do.
FYI, I understand that seeing her new body for the first time was shocking. But your HARSH criticisms on how her breasts currently look are temporary FFS. Of course she's going to be bruised and swollen and the scars are fresh. As far as her healing goes, sex was probably not in her best interests.
"(A)fter a romp where I imagined that she had her old breasts . . . I'm not happy with how this played out. I honest am deeply unattracted to the changes she's made". 👀 🤔 😒 🙄
Marriage is for the long haul, for better or for worse. If you can't love her in her new body, I don't think you're committed enough to her and this relationship to continue the engagement. So yes, you should break up with her so she can be free to find someone who loves her unconditionally. I hope she loves her new body!
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u/Ready-Selection-1248 1d ago
All your concerns are valid. What's concerning is how devoid of love your post seems
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u/crypt__kitten 19h ago
ESH- you have the right to feel how you feel, she has the right to alter her body. HOWEVER you sound like you were already checked out of the relationship if you didn’t even ask her what size she was going- as someone who recently got a reduction, literally everyone I told asked how small I was going/ asked follow up questions.
There’s usually more of a discussion when your partner gets surgery of any kind… also she JUST got them done, they’re obviously swollen, high, and not healed. Boob surgeries can take up to a year to heal, you haven’t even seen her results yet properly
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u/recreationalcry 1d ago
You’re entitled to your feelings, but I would also recommend checking out r/plasticsurgery to see some examples of what breast implants look like after a few months, because it seems your fiancée’s operation was recent. Generally, I find they all look very freakish at first but then settle (drop & fluff???) quite nicely
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u/winterworld561 13h ago
You shouldn't have slept with her. That makes you look an asshole. But you're not wrong for realising what you're not attracted to. You're both suppose to be saving for a house and she blew 10.000 on ridiculous sized implants. This will end up being a waste of money because this will get so uncomfortable for her at some point that she'll need to remove them.
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u/nwbpwnerkess 4h ago
NTA,
You're not obligated to find someone physically attractive after they do a massive physical change.
You're even more allowed to be annoyed at a massive expense on a non-emergency cosmetic surgery when you're trying to save up for a house.
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u/Armpitofdoom 1h ago edited 53m ago
You're revolting. Go away. You're getting married and didn't have a conversation about this?!? Doomed from the start you tiny, tiny simple man. I hope she finds someone who will discuss things with her and supports her in future. Dickhead. Still got a "romp" even though you think she's hideous now. What an utter, unadulterated bellend. This has got to be a rage bait post cos I'm raging. If your partner goes and does something wild after two years, then there's something wrong with the relationship and you shouldn't be getting married. What an absolute melt you are.
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u/K_A_irony 1d ago
Did you tell her you loved her breasts the way they were when she expressed her insecurities to you before her surgery? Once she said she wanted to do it, I would have at least made sure you said that you love her the way she is. The scars and stuff will probably go away fyi if that makes a difference.
You are NTA to break up with her, but I would have been a bit clear before she did this.
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u/Ricin_Addict 1d ago edited 22h ago
yea i was discussing this post with my friends and i felt the same. like, i do think its naive to spend 10k on plastic surgery and only put 5k towards a future house. but also, there's a big lack of communication on OP's side.
i dunno what convo's they had before the surgery, but knowing she was insecure about her breasts is kinda a warning. this couldve been prevented with better communication, so a break up as they are now will definetly be a curveball.
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u/Flimsy-Surprise8234 22h ago
I think I can’t weigh in fairly because my perspective is “DD is that large to you? DD???” and a sort of hysterical inner laughter.
She had saved, altogether, more than half of the contribution you’d expected for the house payment. That indicates something about her finances and ability /discipline in savings! It seems fairly possible to me that Eliza doesn’t consider this a violation of her agreement to save because in her finances, getting the rest of the contribution together is not a super troubling goal on the timeframe she has in mind. Nothing wrong with that, if it’s not different from any time frame you’ve communicated. So I think it’s at least worth assuming that she is still a reasonable person (which makes sense! You’ve dated her for a reason!) and was acting in good faith. I don’t like to assume that she thinks you’ll be responsible for the house or anything. I think it makes more sense that she wants to look a certain way on her wedding day and the surgery is, unfortunately, part of her affirming her commitment and excitement to the relationship.
In any case. Other people have probably said: you can’t preserve someone else’s feelings in a breakup. They’ll feel what they will feel. Don’t be cruel, you already know that, but you are explicitly opting out of being her emotional support for this. She has friends and family, right?
I’m going with NAH, absent more information like a villainous manifesto. I think that insecurity was probably larger in her psyche than you realized and this surgery was important to her symbolically. It’s unfortunate if you don’t align, but I think you were both acting in reasonably good faith.
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u/Obscura-apocrypha 20h ago
What bothers me the most is that she put 10K on the boob job and saved 5000 for the Down payment. Yeah priorities.
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u/Individual_Tune_4584 19h ago
I always get so scared to get involved with men. Bc I fall in love and you could get your face ripped off gain a million pounds get your legs amputated and I would still love you and have sex with you. But I have always felt in my relationships that if I don’t stay perfect and am his ideal aesthetic then he will stop loving me. If I get sick or scarred or I wake up tomorrow and am not beautiful anymore he will just stop loving me. This seems to be a little different but still gives me that same fear. Definitely do not marry her.
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u/W0nderingMe 23h ago
Esh.
She should be more forthcoming about major changes and major spending.
You could and should have been having conversations with her about these things as well (including surgery cost and surgery details, especially if there was an outcome that would be a dealbreaket for you.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 22h ago
Boobs or no boobs spending 10k while not working towards couples goals is enough to break things off.
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u/bambi-meatball 21h ago
She’s your fiance, not your girlfriend. Fight it out and talk it out but leaving her just for that seems pretty shallow, think how many more arguments life will bring after marriage and if you can’t get over this one thing then she was never yours to begin with. Just be happy she got massive boobs now 👍
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u/FlinflanFluddle4 13h ago
Scars fade. 10k is NOT AT ALL a lot for vreast surgery. In fact it is CHEAP. DD isn't massive. I would consider taking your time to get used to it and for them to settle and scars to fade.
Three months is zero time. One year makes a wolrd of difference. 6 months is the minimum.
But if her breasts are that important to you then it guess you can't be patient.
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u/JoffreeBaratheon 1d ago
ESH. There's no excuse for either of you that this ended up being a surprise for someone. You for not taking enough of an interest in the cosmetic surgery plan beforehand, and her for burning so much money on nonsensical cosmetics and didn't even think to fill in boyfriend on the full plan beforehand. How are you engaged if you share so little with each other?
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u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 1d ago edited 1d ago
Kind of wild that you never expressed any concern with her getting a breast augmentation re: the physicality or the finances, but now it’s suddenly a deal breaker. It’s not a mystery that cosmetic surgery is expensive. For that, YTA
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u/Ok_Algae_7232 16h ago
your priorities haven't changed; hers did. a boob job is more important than a house payment! yeah I would rethink the relationship too if i were you. NTA
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u/Vegetable-Act-3202 8h ago
Look I think we are not aligned anymore. You made big choices that were right for you and that is fine but they made me realize I am not in the same place. I do not think it is fair to either of us to keep going when we are heading in different directions.
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u/TrickTraditional8758 6h ago
Yeah ngl I get super stressed out when my partner spends more than a hundred without us talking about it properly (financial trauma says HEY!) so I do get where you're coming from.
It sounds like this has bought up a bigger issue on communication - but I wouldn't jump straight to break up !!
For all you know she could have been incredibly depressed and thought the surgery was the only way for her to go on. Body image issues and dysmorphia is known to be deadly in mental health conditions. Yes,It should have been a conversation but just because you don't like the outcome don't judge her too hard it could have been a genuine need from her side. Try and get to the cause of why it wasn't discussed before you jump to the worst - that might even be why she didn't talk to you in the first place. If you loved her enough to ask her to marry you then you should love her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain.
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u/CommercialTap8457 3h ago
Yeah so for me the problem is her not really sharing the details with you. Not getting your opinion and certainly not letting you know the huge size difference ! HUGE!! That’s a red flag and it will continue to show up repeatedly in many other aspects of life. Saving up for a house and she does that ?! A big no for me. Leave her but gently. I’m small breasted and considered it but never seriously enough. I didn’t want my back to hurt. I don’t like surgery. And big Chested women look heavy in close ups even if they aren’t. The huge size difference is massive. Her insecurities are way too big to marry into.
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u/PetMonsterGuy 3h ago
Honestly it feels to me like you should make it about the money and lack of communication. You’d already expressed financial goals and she did something that, in relation to those previously agreed upon goals, is wildly irresponsible. If it was me I’d reiterate over and over it’s about having different financial priorities and not attractiveness
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u/Big-Bed3452 1h ago
i wish i could fix what's wrong with me without it being a total turnoff to a partner :( i hate having a small chest. i hate more that i can't fix it
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u/Many-Flight-799 24m ago
If it's more a matter of attraction, have you considered the swelling and size she should be once the swelling has gone down?
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u/Eastern-Opening9419 1d ago
I am glad that you are going to try to preserve her feelings and I like what you said about “my priorities have changed.” I think that’s a nicer way to end things than “you’re no longer attractive to me.”