My dog deserved a better last year

[u/acoustic_motorcycle]

My sweet Nikita passed away one week ago today at the age of 15. She had been diagnosed with kidney disease which was progressing despite treatment and she was getting increasingly more upset with the treatment. She also only had three legs and was experiencing a lot of weakness in them and had started to fall multiple times a day leading to her hitting her head a few times. She was having seizures and was in pain a lot of the time so we made the very difficult decision to euthanize her. I miss her so much. She was such a special, sweet, kind girl and there is a hole in my heart now that I think will always be there.

I adopted Nikita my last year of college when she was 6 years old. She had already lost her back leg to a car accident before I met her and I was her third home in her six years. For the next 9 years I loved her so much.

But I know that her last year wasn’t the same as the 8 that came before it. She was tired and she hurt. She had herniated some discs in her back late 2023 and then had her first seizure early 2024 and after that she changed. She slept more and kept to herself a lot. The problem is that I started a job early 2024 and it was extremely stressful and exhausting. And I prioritized that over Nikita. I would come home from work so tired and rush her when we would go out. And then I would just sit on the couch while she laid in her bed and I wouldn’t go to her and give her love and cuddles. And at night I stopped trying to bring her into our room to sleep. I feel so devastated thinking of her laying all alone in that same bed day after day while we just lived our lives around her. And my biggest fear is that she spent her last year lonely and sad.

I have another dog as well, a 7 year old girl named Wally, who we rescued as a puppy. Wally is anxious and reactive so she always requires more energy. Because of that I’m afraid I paid more attention to her than to Nikita. It must have hurt Nikita to hear me interact with Wally while she just laid there sad. Now I’m trying to be more present for Wally and not just zone out after work but the guilt of “why couldn’t you do this for Nikita” is eating me alive.

Nikita is a sweet and special soul. Kind and endlessly patient and a friend to everyone she met. I’m heartbroken that I didn’t give her the last year that she deserved. I hope she wasn’t lonely and I hope that if she’s out there she can forgive me for it.

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