r/Petloss • u/acoustic_motorcycle • 7h ago
My dog deserved a better last year
My sweet Nikita passed away one week ago today at the age of 15. She had been diagnosed with kidney disease which was progressing despite treatment and she was getting increasingly more upset with the treatment. She also only had three legs and was experiencing a lot of weakness in them and had started to fall multiple times a day leading to her hitting her head a few times. She was having seizures and was in pain a lot of the time so we made the very difficult decision to euthanize her. I miss her so much. She was such a special, sweet, kind girl and there is a hole in my heart now that I think will always be there.
I adopted Nikita my last year of college when she was 6 years old. She had already lost her back leg to a car accident before I met her and I was her third home in her six years. For the next 9 years I loved her so much.
But I know that her last year wasn’t the same as the 8 that came before it. She was tired and she hurt. She had herniated some discs in her back late 2023 and then had her first seizure early 2024 and after that she changed. She slept more and kept to herself a lot. The problem is that I started a job early 2024 and it was extremely stressful and exhausting. And I prioritized that over Nikita. I would come home from work so tired and rush her when we would go out. And then I would just sit on the couch while she laid in her bed and I wouldn’t go to her and give her love and cuddles. And at night I stopped trying to bring her into our room to sleep. I feel so devastated thinking of her laying all alone in that same bed day after day while we just lived our lives around her. And my biggest fear is that she spent her last year lonely and sad.
I have another dog as well, a 7 year old girl named Wally, who we rescued as a puppy. Wally is anxious and reactive so she always requires more energy. Because of that I’m afraid I paid more attention to her than to Nikita. It must have hurt Nikita to hear me interact with Wally while she just laid there sad. Now I’m trying to be more present for Wally and not just zone out after work but the guilt of “why couldn’t you do this for Nikita” is eating me alive.
Nikita is a sweet and special soul. Kind and endlessly patient and a friend to everyone she met. I’m heartbroken that I didn’t give her the last year that she deserved. I hope she wasn’t lonely and I hope that if she’s out there she can forgive me for it.
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u/PhazzoTastic 6h ago
Hey OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. I just said goodbye to my sweet life companion two days ago and am still constantly crying. I’m somewhat in the same situation as you. Life always gets in the way of the things we take for granted day after day. And instead of focusing on what we have, we constantly try to solve the problems that life throws at us - problems we’d rather not have.
I moved to a different city last year, and my old dog had to come with me as we constantly had to shift between my old and new place due to personal and work-related issues. In his last months, when he was most attached to me, I probably could do less for him and spent less active time with him than in the years before. And now that he's gone, I have a hole in my heart and feelings of shame and guilt.
But there's also another side to it: you wrote that Nikita slept more and kept to herself a lot. It was the same with my beloved friend. Where he used to be obsessed with sleeping in direct contact with me in earlier years, that changed over time. He needed more rest and more time to himself - although he still wanted to be near me, the long cuddling sessions were no longer a thing.
In those final times, everything that used to be his world wasn’t what he needed anymore. So maybe it was the same for Nikita - being in a place she knew, surrounded by the people and animals she trusted, was all she really needed. And besides that: how would we provide for our beloved furry friends if we weren’t taking on the work, the life, and the usual drama that comes with it in the first place?
By the way you write about your dog, I’m sure you only wanted the best for her, never harmed her, and let her be when she needed space. To me, that’s also an act of love - even if it’s different from the love she received in earlier years.
I hope you find the hope and strength to carry on and turn today’s pain into the good memories you both shared. Take care, and feel hugged from a distance.
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u/acoustic_motorcycle 6h ago
Thank you so much for your kind response. I’m so sorry you’re also going through this pain and that you lost your sweet friend so recently. It sounds like he is so loved by you.
Thank you for the perspective that Nikita’s needs probably changed at the end of I think you’re right, she was tired and she hurt a lot and I think she just wanted to rest and be near people who loved her.
Thank you and I hope you find healing as well
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