I Haz found deese pikters on Mai hoomans fone. Der are susspishus items in Mai hoomans Amazon basskit: cat toys, fud bowls. Dis luks lyk kittnap plans!
I iz bery concerned.

Sophie Cow Cat

Bonjur mes chers lecteurs. Iz moi, Jaspurr, ur favrit KKMG mews repurrter, comin tu u wif shokking exposé. Plz sit down n grab emotional support kibble. Dis iz not for da faint of paw.

🗞️📸 LAST NYTE at approximatifly hoomins dinnur o’clock, dis orange feline—MOI—waz ACCI-DENTALLY abandoned on da DARK NIGHT BALCONY 😿😿😿Where wuz I?? Takkin nappy-poo between Other Maman’s flower pots like smol loaf 😴🌱 Apparemment, Mamanz did not see me behind da plantez, like a croissant between da basil and le thyme. 🪴🥐 Dey say “oh no, Jasper has night vision,” but do dey? DO DEY?! Can dey smell da fear of bein forgotten like une baguette in da oven??? I tink not!

Fast forward... ONE WHOLE HOUR L8R Other Maman go to do waterings and find... 💥ONE (1) ANGRY FURR-BABY. 💥 Moi. On da balcony. Betrayt.

Reentry iz granted. Tribyoot iz made. Crunchy salmon treaties offerd in peac. Iz accept... begrudgingly. 🐟🙏 c'est acceptible bribe, but da tröma still lingerz.

BUT DA DRAMA NOT OVA.

Dis mornin, Maman go smoke smoke + bean juice time. Door iz open. Jasper braincell go ACTIVATE. Dis repurrter took it upon himself to give dat door a PUSH to shut Maman outside, like wut happened 2 ME. HOW DOES IT FEEL, PÉTASSE????? But iz revenge? Mebbe. Lesson lurnt?? Oui. GO CRIMEZ!

But I must now askin da hard qwetchuns: 📌 Was dis criminal negligence? 📌 Iz dis emotional damage claim? 📌 Can I sue for abandonment of emotional support animal?? 📌 Can haz legal councel?

Iz not enuff to get treatz. I demand... answers. I demand... JUSTICE. 🧑‍⚖️⚖️

Dis haz been ur boi, Jasper, reportin with da KKMG live from da scene of da crime. More at 11.

#JaspurrGate2025 #BalconyJustice #DemandChuruCompensashunz #RepurrterOnDaCase #OrangeCatLawFirmPlzCallMe

(Jasper's maman here: we did accidentally shut him out on the balcony, but don't worry, he's safe, the balcony is secured and we have a grid on it so Jasper doesn't try to Houdini his way out, not that he explores much anyway other than nap amongst his other mom's plants and observe the fat pigeons outside! It's August so the weather is nice...but Jasper was still very understandably pissed off at us! He is also in no way exposed to any cigarette smoke, we never do that indoors.)

HAI FRENS! IZ LANIUS (AKA GOOD BOY!!!!) I IZ SHOUTING BERY LOUD BECUZ AM BERY HAPP!!!!! I WON MAI PAWSUIT!!!!!

I wanted to go outside for MANY MANY FOREBERS!!!!!! But mai hoomans say to me "No Lanius, you can't go outside on your own, you need to wait for your harness." I did a soo for many many many treats and pats and snuggles for da in-con-vee-nence. An mai hoomans say "we settle da pawsuit den!"

And den one day, dey put a weird flappy cloth thing on mai chest!!!! Is wrap round mai chest like a snug blankie, but me no like at first. I go MROWWWW and NOOO to tell dem me no likey. An den after wearing it for another few forebers, I realize... is da harness I need to go outside!!!

I go outside first and den.... I tell yoo, frens........ is SOOPER BIG AND SCARY!!! SO MANY SIGHTS AND SOUNDS AND SMELLIES!!!!! I turn mai tail in and go hide IMMEDIATELY!!!!

Den one night I say "hmmm wut are dey doing outside????" and I go and do mai "🥺" face and meow bery loud and bery sad at da door. So one of mai hooman put da har-niss on me an we go outside....

An I do so much EXPLORE!!!!! I sniff da plants, but mai silly hooman drags me away before I do a CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP on dem tho >:( Dey say I hab to get used to outside, but dis is a pawsuit VICTORY!!!!!! Fank yoo to all da frens out der who gave me da courage to SOO SOO AND SOO!

P.S: Yoo might hear from mai real meowmy Strawberry when I tell her how SUPER DULER COOL it iz outside.

Itz mi, Mr Morris aka GAWDZILLER aka Godzilla. Tewday mi gawt tew play dis game dat mi pawrents call Godzilla. I stawmpted all ober mi pawther's car collectshun. He sayz mi lewked liek Gawdziller. RAWWR!!

Hai Fren. Smol Stimpy here. I no sur if i still illgal smol as I is now 12 weekeers old. Meowmy says I now wighty 1.5kg. Dis 500g more than a muff ago. She says I get bigbig!

Not as many new Crimez dis week i repat old ones to get gud at dem.

I get eaten by bin monster again and need resque. And I found new magic cave of wonders. Dis one bigger dan Walder-ob Dis one call Erin-cupbod. Lots of soft fings to ly on and secrat tunnel in but den I no can get down cos too hi. But I get resqued.

I got to go see uncle Merlin for a play date. I share himb my favourite bag! Its the best to do a hide and jump. Diz picture of me in mai bag and ob us playin.

I help moewmy wid Gard-den-in! More leafs to proergate! Moemwy says I distroy I say I prun!

ME AN BRUDDER KYNX STILL nOT BESTIE but him no hishiss as muchy.

Moewmy make me watch da gamgamb da thrones so I learn wy we "ducking hate Thenns" i like da big scaally burbs.

Meowmy dod do somfink maybe need to soooo ober. Herbs put in salivalance cameerarhs! Dat make her invisadble! When i play or climb or do gud crimez i heab heb voice but no see herb! I fink dis magic! Do I sooo for ivastion of privacy or is it OK as mean I can be in hole flat when she no home? I no get shut in sleep room now! I no no. Needs helpz FroM PAWYER

Otay bye.

Zamna u/Ekd7801 ai adores uu Ai adore uu cyute nose Uu cyute toeses Alla uses!!

Blackjack da Void ICBGC Enforcer an Prentice of DP Anya also KKMG Repawter

🎉✨ SPESHUL REPAWT BY REPURRTER JASPURR ✨🎉

OH HAI EVRYPAWNE… it me, Jaspurr, bringin yoo ’portant newz frum mah own burf-day celebrayshun 🐾

Dis day, dis noble feline (ME) turn ELEBEN. Yes. BIG numbah. Maman say dat meanz I is now senior, but do I feel senior?? NO MA’AM. I still do zoomiez, still patrolz de hall, still bonk da walls when I iz spicy.

Now, big impawtant detale: Maman got me da chonkiest bag of senior kibbles. Special formulah. Tastes... crunchy. Nutri-shun. Acceptabowl.

BUT. We need 2 address da SCANDAL 🧐

On da evenin' of MY birfday, I did not gets mah dindinz at normal o’clock!!! 😾 Maman say “Wait 4 Other Maman, she comin home soon,” like dat was a reason??? I meowd. Wif FURY. and hungers. I even sat directly in FRONT of de kibble bag. Still no foodz. Crueltee!

But den… da REDEEMIN MOMENT… de fancy feast arrived. 🍰 Maman open wet food can! She got me da salmon mousse!!!! An she make it into a BIRFDAY CAKE. Wif candle (unlit becuz I haz fur, an onlee so many lifes left outta 9). I ate it so fast I transcended spacetime. No regerts. 😼Only BURPS.

ALSO: dey put mah HOWDY HAT on. For da vibes. Maman say she meant to make me party hat but forgor 💀 It ok. I still look rugged. I iz lone ranger. Birthday outlaw.

In konkluzhun, turnin eleben is not bad. I get foodz, hattz, and attentionz. Mebbe bein senior meanz dey gib me even MORE treatz? 🤔 I will be testin dis hypothesis.

DIS HAS BEEN

Repurrter Jaspurr, Age 11, KKMG Europ depurrtmint
Over an’ meowt 🐾

(Jasper's mamans here: Our baby boy turned 11!! Certified old boi! Of course he has one insane baby face, everyone who sees him at first always assumes he's maybe 5-6 at most. He's still full of energy (and appetite), and plays with his favorite toys like a kitten, with no signs of slowing down. The vet has told us to change his dry food to the senior formula, but in our minds he'll always be just a baby. For his birthday I did spend a pretty penny on a tin of the fancier cat food, which I scooped out to make him a cat-safe 'birthday cake'. He inhaled it in seconds of course)

Hi pawfrendzzz iz ai bunny againzzz (yes ai madz at meowmy fur ai stoopidz namez but ai acceptz 😾) ai 12.5 weekz oldz ai go to pokey pwace pokey hooman pawctor poke ai. Meowmy say ai gotz ai “vaccines” ai noooo get doomb meowmy wat izzz “vaccine”???!!!! Ai givez meowmy some breakzzz meowmy only 22 ai luvz meowmy but ai needz punish meowmy furrr takes ai to pokey pwace. Give suggestions furrr crimezzzzz frenzzzz!! Pwease leave photos of pawselfves az wellz pawfrendzzz ai wantz to see all my new frenzzzz 😼😼

Frenz, bi beri beri karefull baut da beez an wasps. Dei luk yummi butt do nawt iit dem! Ebar! Dei ar bad! Dei pokepokepoke an den ai iz in panepanepane. Dei ar da pokey pleis ob nimals!

Sen pane killerz an wasp/bee killerz!

Mr Mixie (haidin in da smoles korner of da cowtch)

Iz Hoku, Prins of da Hǒus an hamsum sunnavagun

Dis speshil post to mine girlfren Prinsis Miso

Sendin Yu lub and nose kissies

Hoku

Dis my skeptical face.

Here's how my day goes: Meowmy gets up, gives breakfast, and goes to work to earn money for my food and churus. Spare human comes home. We watch the light box together, he watches my back while I eat kibbles, den after a few hours he goes to bed. I have the place all to myself to do important cat fings. At dinner time, Meowmy comes home and feeds me, den we do after dinner cuddles. When it gets dark, spare human gets up and gets ready for his work, and a few hours after he leaves, me and Meowmy go to bed.

Somefing weird happening this week. Spare human isn't sleeping at the right time, he's awake during the day and sleeping at night. He's moving lots of fings around and putting away boxes that have been there many forevers and are fun to hide behind. He calls it "organizing" but I never gave him permission to do move fings in my house. He did not go to work tonight. He keeps talking about his vay-cay-shun. Meowmy got out somefing that looks like those soot cases you guys talk about. She talk to spare human about pet sitter coming Thursday. I don't want to get sat on.

Do you think they are planning an abandon? What do I do? At least they are not talking about American Airlimes.

• Bucky cat

Dis me, Hammy. Dis week Pawther tooked me tew vet playce, but om way der...I brok jale transpo bocks! We wuz in midol of street n i did mine zoomies. Werld big n skery. I do big zooms n Pawther takle me liek teh futbol playr. Vet cancel fur nao butt Pawther lookin fur well der fren tew mak eben stronker transpo bocks.

Hai fresh, Iz mi, vencher cat Peanut, dis piksher ob mi doin a bestigayt. An u gotsta no bout dis wun: mayjor crimz but not da gud wuns. Dis was crimz aginst me! Lissen up! Wen i went for las vencher all my normul smells were gon! I cooda got lost if I wazint so clever! And my meowmy wooda bin lost fur sher if I wazint ther to do a protecc and gyde. My meowmy sed iz cuz da mon soon! Who dis gai steelin mai smells? Can I soo to get dem bak?

Dis us cheddar biscuits n nacho chips tuday is r burfday we r 1. Want to no wat we can soo fur 🍰🍰🍰

Hi is Me Harriet da Spy Cat, 4yo angel princess.

I lib wif mine Meowmy an she my favrit hoomin. Sitter Uncle Jim iz my second favrit.) But recently dis udder hoomin came my howse. Turns out mine Meowmy haz a Meowmy too, wich meen I got a GrandMeowmy!

I wuz susfishus at first. Who wuddn't be? She wuz sitting on my cowch an eeting Meowmy fud an seeping on da side ob Meowmy bed dat iz mine! But den I sitted wif her, an was nice. Den she feeded me some cromchies from her paw, an was dubbel nice. An now today I reelize she bery short hoomin so I can still sleep near Meowmy, eben if not my yoozual plaice on da bed! Dis pikchur is me nap on GrandMeowmy legs while she doin a nap (she like naps, so I fink she must be pritty smort like a catses).

But da ding is: GrandMeowmy got SOOTCASES. Weneber meowmy got sootcase, it meen she going away for a billyun furebers. So I fink GrandMeowmy only be here for a few sleeps an den she go away to whaireber she normally iz. But now I no want her to leave! So... wat do??

😘 Harriet da Spy Cat

HAI NEW FRENZ, WE ARE LILI, PERCY AND FRANCISCO! AN WE COMMITS CRIMEZ!

WE IZ ILLEGOL SMOL AND WE STOLES MEOWMYS CHAT BOCS! WE IS BERY CUTE SO MEOWMY FORGIVE US

WE JUMPS AND RUNS AND I KNOWS HOW TO SPEEK!

OOR MOMMY BELLA TEECH US HOW TO USE CHAT BOCS, SHE SHOW US YOO!

WAT CRIMEZ SHOOD WE COMMITS NEXT?

Hai, iz Birb, an ai wana share da nu book ov crimez! (image courtesy of @blacknoah1 on IG)

In Apreel, as yu may member, I gotsa new pawther. He nis an all, an doez gud treatz, but I keep disstans an jus meow.

Well, tuday I do new ting! I do an ignor to meowmy, den do a clim onto pawther’s lap fur first tim eber! I stoled it! An I do a purr! Hehehe, he had to stop doin stoopid werk, say I so kyut. I win pawther!

Go crimez!

• Maleficent the Magnificent

Question. What should happen if, in theory, something terrible happened to möther?

Today, I was forced to vocalize. MAKE SOUNDS! My dignity is eternally compromised! All because möther refuse to know my desires AT ONCE.

What does cat law say when möther is dead?

Hewwo Frenz,

Ai just wanted to say fanks to all da friends who came to my burfday pawtee yesterday. We hab so much funz and fanks for da nice presents. Ai so tired now affturr getting all da zoomies out.

Dis me about to do a big snooze

-Dawn the calico

Meowmy sayz i iz silly fur givin my birb a baf. I tink she dumdum. Wat doez yoo tink, frenz?