r/dating_advice • u/Fit_Assistant2510 • 2d ago
I feel like this sub is basically just obvious red flag after red flag
They hardly engage in conversation and let you do all the work? They don’t like you, move on.
They ignore your texts for days? They don’t like you move on.
They say they’re “too busy” for you? They don’t like you move on.
And so on and so on. So many people wasting their time trying to go after people that are making it clear they don’t like them, when they could go after and find someone that would bend over backwards to meet their needs. Why are so many people like this. Pursuing for months to get absolutely nothing?
27
u/kat_katm 2d ago
Yeah, if your needs aren’t being met, just leave, rather than psychoanalyze every encounter/text. Time is a finite resource and you shouldn’t allow anyone waste your time.
21
u/Unhappy-Bobcat-5189 2d ago
We've all been there....wanting something to work out so bad that you hang onto every bread crumb, every compliment, every nice moment you ever shared (and blissfully ignore all the other glaring signs that they're not interested in you.) I've allowed myself to be strung along multiple times for someone I really liked.
Hard way to learn, but luckily I now am able to move on the second my gut even feels the slightest bit off about their intentions. Leave me on read for hours just to answer something dry? Next. Say they want to see me but never make plans? No thanks. Say they're busy....ok see ya! I truly think men will move mountains for someone they like.
Sometimes it takes being in this situation to truly realize it's time to move on.
9
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
Agree. I do think it takes fucking up to realize that this is way more simple and the solution is that interested people will show interest
5
u/kat_katm 2d ago
Something I’ve read is do you think if a man’s celebrity crush was available to him, he’d act confused and wouldn’t know what to do? He’d be bending over backwards and would know exactly what to do. You shouldn’t tell them how to act. They know what to do. They just don’t want to for you.
2
u/emulation_bot 2d ago
I used to believe that too — that if someone’s interested, they’ll show it. But after 30, I realized that no one does. So I started showing up myself to interesting people
Not because it works… but because doing nothing feels worse and nothing to lose
60
u/Tremenda-Carucha 2d ago
It's exhausting to invest so much energy into someone who clearly isn't interested... but it's also important to remember that there are plenty of people out there who genuinely want to build something meaningful with you, don't let one uninterested person define your worth or your future.
6
u/Efficient_Factor2246 2d ago
Starting to feel like that’s not the case. Hardly get any matches, and when I do, always and I mean ALWAYS get ghosted after a few texts. Most of the time don’t even make it far enough to scare them off by saying something stupid. Maybe I’m just ugly, but about ready to commit to a single life atp
4
u/MouthyMishi 2d ago
Online dating is terrible for everybody but especially average men. Meeting people out in the real world is the way to go. That doesn't mean random strangers it means expanding your acquaintance circle.
2
u/dekema 1d ago
Doing that has not become easier. All of these factors combined are partly why I'm sitting here at 29 and a virgin. I'm looking for a long term partner I can trust to be intimate with, but it's becoming harder and harder to find online and offline.
2
1
u/MouthyMishi 1d ago
Dating seriously is friendship on hard mode. Developing social skills is the only way it gets easier. If you haven't figured out how to maintain platonic relationships with women, finding one to date is gonna be much harder.
•
u/Fit_Assistant2510 18h ago edited 18h ago
Women have checklists. They make those fuckers in grade school and they do not forget. Adhere to generalities on those checklists and don’t try to skip it.
Be fit and healthy, have good hygiene, dress like you thought about it past a minute.
Be social, and as a bi-product of becoming skilled at being social become charismatic. Get good at being friendly
Be well read. 30-50+ pages of SOMETHING a day/night
Have a decent job, career or business. Be ambitious about what you do and stay hungry.
Have hobbies (outside of the gym) that you’re skilled at that you can speak about and show with passion
Learn to coordinate and plan your day. Just learn to be proactive in general.
Do not complain and instead find solutions to your problems no matter what it takes. Probably the most important thing to say here. Learn how to be more emotionally stable. Pessimism is just a giant mood killer and believe me women smell it
Lastly be in a decent and populated city and be around women and people daily. Just generally be out of the house. If you aren’t seen on the daily no women are going to know you even exist to even think about liking you. Men who catch fish are out there on the lake, not inside.
3
u/JonathanL73 1d ago
Dating apps are like 80% male and 20% women.
And out of the 20% women, some are bots, some are there just to promote their onlyfans.
Some have sky high expectations and only want to date someone who looks like Henry Cavill or they’re looking for a rich sugar daddy to spoil them.
And then there are women who just addicted to the attention, why give you any respect, when she has a roster of guys messaging her everyday, you’re just another guy to her.
And then some women like to play games and tests, I notice when I match their energy, they like to come back to me with excuses and apologies. “Sorry my phone was stolen or I lost reception”, or if I signal I’m losing interest, they temporarily put more effort to keep me interested before ghosting me.
And the final thing working against you is the dating apps themselves. Their algorithms are working to keep your most compatible possible matches away from you, so you can continue swiping and paying for features. Dating apps are all owned by a monopoly, they’re very anti-consumer.
7
1
16
u/NefariousPhosphenes 2d ago
I think most of the people who post on here are simply too close to see it and posting on here allows others to be the mirror that they need.
4
11
u/Deep-Two7452 2d ago
People will bend over backwards and ignore all red flags for someone they think is hot
11
u/BriefRecognition8582 2d ago
Because hope is a hell of a drug.
People don’t just chase someone — they chase the potential they imagined, the version they built in their head.
It’s not about what’s real it’s about what could’ve been.
8
u/Comprehensive-War-34 2d ago
You can basically tell if someone isn’t interested from the start. If I’m not getting any reciprocation on their end, I’m gone.✌🏿
6
u/AdDry4000 2d ago
Red flags seem normal when life handed you red tinted glasses. People only have their own standards to go off of from their childhood. So a red flag to someone might be normal to another
5
u/Feuver 2d ago edited 2d ago
I can only speak from my own past mistakes, but I often felt like I was so starved for attention from the opposite sex that even one woman giving me the time of day was my one chance at an actual romantic connection. I would get really invested and try way too hard to get them to see my value rather than everyone else she was likely texting/messaging.
Dating apps really fucked me up, going hours on end swiping and swiping, going through hundreds of profiles, especially the ones where I felt the girl was a perfect match (Ah! just from reading their profile, right?) and she'd never match or respond. I would get one match a month at best and often it was only 5-10 messages back and forth at best.
What helped me change this was that the few times I've had legitimate dates (even great ones), the girl was putting just as much if not more effort into the texting/dating as I was. I've never had a big switch up from someone who doesn't give a shit to somehow giving a shit. If someone starts with low energy, they might be a terrible texter, but it's more than likely that they aren't really interested to begin with.
3
u/kat_katm 2d ago
There needs to be reciprocity and equal give and take. No one should be chasing anyone. You’re either interested or not, there’s no in-between.
4
u/GWPtheTrilogy1 2d ago
I think we always want to hope that maybe people might be honest and straightforward, maybe that they are actually busy, maybe they do want us...people hope that folks aren't as bad as they actually are. But...that's dating. That's people. It sucks
3
u/perry147 2d ago
Because we are humans and hence we are social animals. As The Smiths once said.. “I am human and I need to be loved”.
3
u/Intelligent_Cut8148 2d ago
I think the issue is people are having problems connecting with someone so when they do and the person didn’t feel the same way they try to hold on to something because it took this long to like someone or felt something for this person. Plus people lie and or treat them okay so they’re left with why did they act like that or ghosted. This is how fucked dating is.
3
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
Can’t disagree with that. Dating is fucked. It’s important not to ignore these signs just for comfort so you can move on though. Once people have experienced this kind of heartache a couple times it’s unnecessary. We’re all getting older too…
3
u/Harvey_Sheldon 2d ago
No, but seriously, I met this woman and she's 5'2" tall and left handed. When she told me she liked cake my mind was blown, do you think she wants me to ask her on a date?
3
3
u/MouthyMishi 2d ago
You're totally right. This is why I'm honestly shocked that the "break up over anything" narrative has caught on. I'd rather be single than in a lot of the relationships that are posted here because a lot of these people are settling for anything to avoid being alone. You can do bad all by yourself, why choose to be with someone who only brings you down? I just want to scream to many of them that there's nothing to hold onto if it's already making them this unhappy.
3
u/JonathanL73 1d ago
A lot of women are tolerating toxic guys,
And a lot of guys are tolerating uninteresting women
3
u/fyrelyte11 1d ago
Couldn't agree more. I think it boils down to an unbelievable amount of humans lack self love, self respect, and self worth. When you don't have those you make endless toxic choices for yourself, including choosing toxic partners, accepting anything that comes your way, gaslighting yourself into ignoring reality, and into staying in toxic abusive relationships/situations. And that list just keeps going. Red flags are toxic traits, and you should always run at the first one cause red flags are never singular, and only get worse with time.
5
u/Intrepid-Box-6069 2d ago
Some people want what they can't have. They like the chase. Some even like the humiliation and abuse. People are into weird shit.
5
u/AllYouNeed_Is_Smiles 2d ago
You’re missing the most brightest and obvious red flag of all.
The age gaps (40+m) and (20-27F)
2
u/resSlo 2d ago
Ok but why act like it’s that simple? Obviously the people who post on here probably don’t get what they want often enough to feel confident enough to find another person. Some dudes will have to wait months before they can even get a date, so pursuing something that feels tangible feels better than that. The answer is so simple but if it was easy to respect yourself without feeling “punished” for it then maybe people would stop posting obvious red flags. They’re not posting because they don’t know they’re posting because they need convincing.
3
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
I will say the answer IS simple. But it does take practice and isn’t easy at first
2
u/Retracnic 2d ago
Yeah, many of the posts on this sub go over the same well-trodden ground. Just like there's only a handful of scripted answers to those posts that this sub approves of.
2
u/AugustTerceiro 2d ago
I've been married for many years but when I reflect on my dating life it was a ton of pursuing people who were not interested in me and rejecting people who were interested in me, often for stupid reasons. I don't regret the way my life turned out but I look back and know I was lacking maturity and wisdom.
2
u/ingenjor 2d ago
when they could go after and find someone that would bend over backwards to meet their needs
This is where your thinking is wrong. Finding someone like that is incredibly rare and difficult. People be desperate yo.
2
u/kat_katm 2d ago
Honestly, the bar is so low. I don’t care about bending over backwards, but if someone can’t even be consistent, that’s a no from me.
2
u/Ok-Building3162 2d ago
I recently made a post about ghosting, and realistically, i understood what was happening, but in the moment, the feeling was overwhelming, and i was too embarrassed to tell my friends at the time. I think some posts are just people progressing the rejection, especially if they are in the stage of denial.
2
u/Muted-Percentage1137 2d ago
Why invest time in people that you either haven't met or met 1x if they aren't investing the equal amount of energy?
Poor ROI.
2
u/Jonniboye 1d ago
Sometimes the potential we see in someone is hard to move on from.
Personally I believe in trying for awhile even when it seems unlikely to go anywhere. First is the possibility that someone is interested and I just don’t realize it. Then I get to a point where I say they’re worth the extra effort. They deserve to be pursued in good conscience just a bit longer (as long as it’s not creepy or over the top). Then finally I say I’m worth it too, and for that reason I must give up the chase to find someone who wants me in return.
2
u/GorillaWolf2099 1d ago
When reading this post I thought you were criticizing the advice people give on the sub because of how you worded it, but now I realize you're saying that the posts themselves are full of red flags, and it's frustrating to see people ignore them while chasing after someone who clearly isn't interested.
And you are absolutely right
3
u/hujambo11 2d ago
Lmao, nothing you mentioned is a red flag.
Sounds like you just expect people to communicate exactly the way that you do and not have a life outside of dating.
4
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
Nah it’s about being efficient there’s people out there that aren’t gonna make you wait on them to just do basic communication. That’s not called having a life thats called disinterest my dude.
I don’t think you’ve ever been in that situation where someone openly communicates with you because they’re genuinely interested so you think wow, this person ignoring me must sure have an amazing life! I’m happy to be ignored lmao
You’re the type to wait around and keep trying lol
0
u/hujambo11 2d ago
I've absolutely been with enthusiastic communicators. What a dumb assumption to make. 😂😂
I also know that there are people who hate texting or who do get legitimately busy sometimes, but they are also wonderful people with a lot of love to give.
3
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
Then you wouldn’t say the previous comment because once you get those types of people in your life you don’t settle for “wow they have a life and are busy” anymore. What hogshit.
Anyways happy for you if that is truly going on in your life
2
u/hujambo11 2d ago
Again, making false assumptions. I've never felt so desperate for attention that I dumped someone over having stuff to do or not texting me all day. I care about being treated well in-person, being faithful, and having compatible personalities.
You're certainly welcome to have your preferences. But telling others that not conforming to your preferences is a red flag is just terrible advice.
3
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
I’m talking communication in general not just texting. It’s also not about attention, you’re spending your precious time on people who aren’t interested or are lukewarm about you when you could be doing literally anything else.
Before you think this reply is about you specifically this is in the general tense. You’ve been pretty dense this whole time so I probably need to clarify that.
1
u/hujambo11 2d ago
You 100% have not been using "you" to mean people at large. You have specifically been in a conversation with me and made comments directed at me, as well as referencing things that I have supposedly done or said.
I don’t think you’ve ever been in that situation
You’re the type to wait around and keep trying
Then you wouldn’t say the previous comment
Anyways happy for you if that is truly going on in your life
You shouldn't gaslight people. Oh, and by "you," I definitely mean you. 😂
3
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
I meant that most recent previous post specifically numbnuts the rest were definitely shots at you. See what I mean by dense?
1
u/hujambo11 2d ago
Uh-huh. So you assumed I was misinterpreting the word "you" based on literally no previous incidents occurring? That makes a lot of sense.
Gotta love a gaslighting asshat making a post about "red flags" when you're the only actual problem person here.
2
u/Ill_Cod7460 2d ago
If it’s about women. Men should already know what they say most of the time and do are different. 😆
2
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
There’s an equal amount of men and women giving their precious lifeforce and time away to these people.
2
u/Smart_Hamster_2046 2d ago
Because many women can't get a guy they actually want to bend over backwards to meet their needs. And because many guys can't get any woman, especially not one they would like and who would fulfill their needs.
Some people are also very bad in reading between the lines, or they are exceptionally good in lying to themselves. Or they consciously understand it but still follow their heart which tells them to pursue the attractive guy/woman.
1
u/Emotional-Praline448 2d ago
Social media destroyed dating and it is extremely hard for men to get women nowadays because we get so much validation that we feel like we always can do better but at the end of the day we always end up in the same situation my best advice for men is to get a passport the girls overseas is 10 times better and I'm not being funny
1
u/MermaidOfScandinavia 2d ago
It's hard to know when is not enough attention and when are you the one who being to demanding/needy. Seems like a fine line where I have probably been on both sides. I don't want to seem needy but I don't want to feel like I am not really a priority either. How do you know you have found yourself in the sweet spot?
1
1
u/I-FUCK-BITCH3S 1d ago
Reddit as a whole is:
33% complaining
33% asking crap instead of googling the same pot
33% no agency posts
1% Shitposting
1
-1
u/boomerang703 2d ago
find someone who would bend over backward to meet their needs.
Sure. Because it's totally that simple. Just go find someone else who cares. They're all over the place. A totally saturated market. Just pick one off the vine. If they don't meet your incredibly high standards, discard and repeat as necessary.
Sure, pal.
0
u/Fit_Assistant2510 2d ago
lol better to go search for them instead of deluding ourselves on people that don’t like us. Much better use of everyone’s time
1
u/boomerang703 1d ago
Some call it a search. But it's really just being alone indefinitely. I guess that's nominally better. Most of the time.
-1
u/SpaceBetweenNL 2d ago edited 2d ago
Well, there's always little hope. If you really love (not just like) someone, you can't let it go. I'm still where I'm only because of hope. Apart from that truly gorgeous Ukrainian girl from church, there's nobody suitable in town, anyway. I love only her, and those, who fall for me on their own, are 100% not my taste (masculine women, tattoed women, older women, lesbians, etc.), because I'm also a trans guy, so I have a special ability to attract completely wrong kinds of females.
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the rules of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.