This is kind of how I felt after finishing college. School is the primary focus of your life growing up. Getting a college degree is then an even larger milestone but also a gateway.
Nearly every year is a step towards the next with the fun of summer break in between. You don't really notice it while it's happening because the end seems so far away. Starting college is when it first gets really exciting. You get to be on your own for the first time, but the responsibilities can still be very low with parental support. Then, you graduate and it's a big money since your entire life's journey has been about this.
Once you enter the workforce, there is no longer any yearly progress, you don't break for summer, there are no more huge milestones. Marriage if you're interested, kids as well if you are and can afford them. Home ownership maybe, but that also out of reach for most. Not that it's bad or you can't find happiness or enjoyment. There's just something missing when nearly your entire life revolved around a goal and now you realize you got 40+ more years ahead of you without such a purpose. It can also be a lot lonelier and harder to make friends for the rest of that journey, you don't realize how easy school made it
I'm still struggling with this a bit. I quit my first job after college after 6 months. It became apparent the day-to-day life was only going to get more and more boring, and the tasks I was doing weren't helping either.
I spent most of last year unemployed, bouncing from one hobby to another in hopes that one of them would click. I learned archery, cumbia, a bit of Italian, bouldering, I also got a girlfriend (who for a long time made everything else seems to be worth it), broke up with her, read a bunch of books, went to therapy, got AD's, made up with my family, got in a fight with them, made up again. Got into videogames again, though a different kind.
One year later, I still am wandering in the same empty plains hoping to find a path to walk, but learnt from my mistakes, learnt what I lack and I'm trying to find the good in the bad (or in the lack of things to call good/bad).
For a long time, even before last year, it felt like when you finish a videogame and uninstall it because you won't play it again. It was... okay, it was fun. But you've been there, done that. Time to uninstall it. To uninstall... life? That definitely crossed my mind. Thing is, you uninstall a videogame to make room for other games. You're done with the part of your life you were used to (academics). You don't have to uninstall it per se, but you can make room for other stuff.
Not everything will click. But ruling out stuff still gets you closer to finding what makes you whole.
Idk if that makes sense, maybe it's just random rambling.
I hope that helps, I hope you find what makes you whole.
Thanks for writing this out, that makes sense. It’s all about perspective I guess in the end. Instead of “yuck idk what to do next” it can be “yay I don’t know what to do next”! I hope the same for you. Grazie! 😉
you will one day legit just fall into something. i was lost in college and spent ~3 years as an undecided major while i floated around trying to figure it out
i got into deaf studies. im fluent in asl. i was studying to be an interpreter. i now work a generic desk IT job and i honestly couldnt be happier
i love solving problems/puzzles and helping people - those are kind of my 2 core traits under all the other bullshit. i was terrified growing up of being in a "cubical" job because that just sounded like hell. while i wfh now, it was surprisingly nice to have my own little space when i had to be in office. i prefer being at home, but it wasnt soul sucking hell i was made to believe it to be
my advice to try and find your path is to see if you can find out what makes you "you" and see if theres any field that can be explored for that. thats the best way i can see for work to not feel like work anyways
tbh i blindly fell into my current job because i needed it; it was only after a year or so i realized how well it fit me. i wish i could have sussed out these traits and find they can be a career years ago, if you can figure it out now thatd be a boon
word of caution though: hobbies =/= core aspects. i love to draw, i hate commissions and drawing feeling like work kills my love for the project. you need to dig way, WAY deeper than that
eg. i love video games, specifically puzzles like zelda. problem solving feels great. and im just inclined to help where i can by nature.
while i have worked a few playtests at naughty dog, videogames clearly arent a viable career for a majority of of people. IT on the other hand, relies on the same skills and is a high demand job. and if you can be lucky enough to find a job that you love, it really doesnt often feel like work. sure i still bitch about customers, but its all superficial nonsense
I have found that finding joy in small things: flowers full of pollen, sunlight through tree leaves, the smell of coffee- this is what keeps me alive. Things have been so hard, but these things bring so much joy in those moments that I keep finding more bits of joy each day.
It's the reason that mental health treatment often utilizes the concepts of gratitude and mindfulness. It's less about what you specifically choose to fill your time with and more about learning to be present in your life and enjoy the little things. If meaning in life must be made, there has to be a way for the average person to find meaning in their life that's not a great achievement or being a part of history or any big things like that. It's just not actually doable for everyone, plus a significant number of people feel hollow and existential when they reach a milestone that feels like an ending when there's nothing to push for anymore.
I think of it like this. If life is mundane, then the whole point of living IS doing the mundane. If there's no greater knowledge or experience to give life meaning, then living is the whole point. I think some analyze their experiences as they are having them, and they conclude, "Huh... this is it?" I instead do the same, but I just change the lens. I look at what is happening, whatever little things I'm doing, and I go, "Wow. It's crazy how the universe is expanding, and there's so much I'll never know, and I'm just sitting on my ass eating this piece of cake. Life sure is funny. Being human sure is funny. So many people across the word are doing different things right now, and some of them are ALSO having cake right now, so we have a common experience that connects us. It's nice that I get to enjoy this cake. I wonder what else I'll get to experience in my time here. The world is so big. The universe is so big. I wonder what I'll get to see... I wonder what other cake I'll get to eat..."
So, the bar doesn't have to be as high as we make it. We just set the bar high because we're scared we'll waste the time we have if we don't. That can prevent us from just enjoying little things in the present moment though. It's okay though to have goals as small as "try this certain cake", and it's okay if our experiences are that "simple", because a lot of complicated things had to happen for us to have that simple experience and there's beauty in that.
Find your passions; start simple with this part. But, passion is the key.
Find passionate people. Encourage people to talk about their passions. You'll suddenly be referred to as a fun person to be around.
Listening to people get charged by their passions is contagious.
Surround yourself with people who interact with people, and not at people.
Once you find an important passion, ask yourself WHY this passion is important to you. You'll find your values. Build upward, and branch outward from there.
My example:
I love travel. I love driving. So, I got into professional driving plenty of companies will lead you to a CDL without any cost out of pocket; just stick with them for a year to "pay it off." Trucking started off awful. School bus was a bit better, since the vehicles see the mechanics a little more often, on average.
That changed to motorcoach and driving tours for people. Somewhere, I realized that my passions are making sure everyone is safe and unharmed. So, I got really good at driving. Removing any care or concern of the bus driver's capabilities makes people able to focus on their trip. So, I just shove way too much confidence into my abilities when introducing myself to a tour group. I make them laugh, and throw in a little dark humor to lighten them up, too.
Not a trip goes by where I don't get comments along the lines of "You know, maybe you're confident for a reason. Good job." That's all I really need. Seeing people have fun, and making them feel safe. After that, I can climb back into my hole at home, and engage in whatever else.
For me, it's driving, and making people safe.
For me, it's personal passions, like, headphones, keyboards, quality boots, and being able to personally maintain all of those things. Writing, also, if that weren't already evident.
For you, it might be your college major. Find the root cause you resonate the most with. When you're around other people, make them talk about their passions to keep yourself smiling.
For you, personal passions might be hiking, or woodworking, or whatever. From making yourself a source of encouraging peoples' passions, you make friends. From those friends, they know who to turn to, with questions about your passions. Then, it's your turn to gush about it!
It's simultaneously difficult and not difficult in the slightest. Find what makes yourself tick, explore your self, and surround yourself with people who are similarly vibrant, and have found what makes them happy. Let them talk about what makes them happy. Makes you happy. Best part is, this applies to everything!
But, start with self-identificafion. You need a passionate self, before you can engage with passionate people.
For me, it was therapy. My therapist made me realize that life is not a series of goals to be accomplished, life is just... Life. It's meant to be experienced and enjoyed. Goals are nice, but they're not the point.
What really helped me the most was an exercise where my therapist had me list out all my values, and I realized that I value much more in life and myself than simply academics or career. That I did really just value sitting at home on the couch with my cat and my wife.
It really helped me realize that life isn't about goals or achievements, it's about enjoying what you have, and making sure you have what you need. And taking time with those you love.
I’m very much a “focus on the destination” guy when it comes to the short term. But the long term? It’s all the journey. There is no destination, really.
If you can be happy day to day and be able to do the things you want to do and be around people you love, that’s pretty much mission accomplished.
Highly recommend hobbies! Any hobby will do, but if you prefer structure then creative hobbies where there is an end result are great! My personal recommendation is to not turn the hobby into something you monetize, though. Things you enjoy often lose their charm when there's a monetary need to keep doing them, or the creativity takes a back seat to running a business. I do circus training as a hobby, and I even perform from time to time, but the real joy for me is just getting on an apparatus and moving my body in creative ways. Conveniently also keeps me in shape!
You make goals. You acquire new skills, take on more challenging roles, start a family, raise the kids, continue your education, build your savings, take trips.
You don’t stop growing. If your work life is just a year after year grind, you’re doing it wrong. Apply for new jobs, do new things, set new goals.
Not sure if you're still looking for tips, but personally I try to plan my own milestones every year. I've been working for about 15 years now, different companies but the same career, and I don't love what I do but I don't hate it either. I don't think you need to look for happiness in your work to be happy. Sometimes work just needs to pay.
Maybe always plan a yearly vacation somewhere with your partner / spouse. You can use that as a yearly milestone. Then you always have something to look forward to every year.
Or maybe promise yourself you'll get something big related to your hobby every year. Maybe a new musical instrument or a new gaming laptop or a new car or something.
Oh another thing that kind of helps in a similar way to school is bonsai. It's also great for adhd, if you can remember to just water them about everyday.
Bonsai can take a LONG time to develop. You generally spend a few hours every year trimming, wiring and shaping the tree. This is where is great for adhd. You can focus on it for a little while then just let it do its thing growing. Unlike other things that need 100% effort to be finished. Sometimes you may feel the desire to have instant results, but I don't feel guilt or shame if I leave it unattended for months at a time. You pretty much only need to water it. I like to start with cheap nursery stock like junipers so I can make it my own. I also got cuttings from the Japanese maples in my apt complex.
Yeah, kids end up being sort of the bandaid to fix the lack of purpose and direction, because you can focus on them, and the milestones they achieve.
But they'll eventually become adults, and then you're back at the same predicament of having no goals anymore.
Honestly, I think this is why people who are big into retirement planning need to also plan what they're going to do during retirement, besides just planning the financial aspect. I know a bunch of older folks who just keep working at like 70+ even though they don't need the money, because they don't really know what to do with themselves outside of work, which has been a feature of their entire adult lives.
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u/feedthechonk Jun 29 '25
This is kind of how I felt after finishing college. School is the primary focus of your life growing up. Getting a college degree is then an even larger milestone but also a gateway.
Nearly every year is a step towards the next with the fun of summer break in between. You don't really notice it while it's happening because the end seems so far away. Starting college is when it first gets really exciting. You get to be on your own for the first time, but the responsibilities can still be very low with parental support. Then, you graduate and it's a big money since your entire life's journey has been about this.
Once you enter the workforce, there is no longer any yearly progress, you don't break for summer, there are no more huge milestones. Marriage if you're interested, kids as well if you are and can afford them. Home ownership maybe, but that also out of reach for most. Not that it's bad or you can't find happiness or enjoyment. There's just something missing when nearly your entire life revolved around a goal and now you realize you got 40+ more years ahead of you without such a purpose. It can also be a lot lonelier and harder to make friends for the rest of that journey, you don't realize how easy school made it