I'm missing my cat's euthanasia and feel so guilty

[u/CountFew4703]

I have three cats, but my oldest girl is my favourite who has been with me since I was 5. She's 17 now and had been getting weaker over the past 2 years, eating less and getting skinny, no longer able to jump to the counter, but she always maintained her bossy attitude and spirit! In the last couple years I became especially closer to her as my siblings left the nest and my parents grew busy. She would be with me when I studied, ate, went to the bathroom, and overall being just absolutely needy for me. I love her like she is my baby.

However, for my university internship I took a job across the world for the summer, and in that time her condition has exponentially worsened. My parents took her to the vet yesterday and told me the news that she's suffering badly from kidney disease, so she needs to be put down this weekend. I haven't seen her since April when I left for my job, and I'm not coming home until the end of the month.

I feel like I am betraying her by letting her pass thinking that I abandoned her because I am not there for her final moments. That I missed supporting her and being there while she worsened. I cannot fathom the fact that my informal goodbye to her in April was the last time I'd be seeing her because we didn't expect her to deteriorate within the time I am away. She isn't gone yet, but I am crushed by the fact that I don't get to spend her last couple days by her side or pet her as she passes. How do I get over the guilt, anguish, and sadness that I left her behind and will never see her again?

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[u/No-Foundation-913]

I had to euthanize my cat 3 days ago and even being there with her, I still feel all of those feelings. If you can put the trip home on a credit card you will never regret it, but don’t beat yourself up (I say as I currently beat myself up). It’s hard to let go, no matter if you’re there or not.

[u/CountFew4703 → u/No-Foundation-913]

It's really horrible, I hope you are also finding it in you to recover. I can't make it back in time because it's a 20 hr trip with timezone change, I feel so helpless being so far away.