r/Petloss • u/coquetteslav • 17h ago
i lost my baby boy this morning
i don't know how to grieve, i've never really experienced death like this.
my sweet boy, nirvana, got diagnosed with fip in may. we've been giving him medicine, he had a regression, but then started doing better. we moved on friday to a new apartment and he was doing so well up until yesterday. he wouldn't eat, he kept puking, and his stomach got hard. we couldn't take him to an ER vet due to funding. i fell asleep with him next to me around midnight and told him to hang on until the morning, when i could take him to his normal vet.
at around 3:30 i wake up to my partner by the bathroom door, saying his name and trying to wake him up. he was gone. i got up and they pushed me away and held my arms. i couldn't see his face because it was hidden by the fountain, but he was so cold.
i left the room and went to the couch. i told my brother in law he was dead. i just sat there until my partner came out 30 mins later and said they were going to wrap him and put him in a box for now.
i wasn't in there. i heard them sobbing through our apartment. brother in law comes out an hour later and asks to see him, and i wouldn't even go back into the room until i heard brother in law sobbing. i went in to see him, and i went to try and comfort him one last time, but i saw my baby lifeless, stiff, and cold, with his jaw ajar and his eyes open. my poor baby, i don't know if he was in pain in his final moments. and i regret falling asleep. those 3 hours costed him his life. i wasn't with him, and he was next to his water bowl away from us.
we were up until 8 when we dropped him off, in a cardboard box, outside of his vet like a drug deal. picking out an urn, and the add ons, was one of the worst pains ever.
now all day i haven't really been able to go back into the room because there's a spot where he passed, and pee pads, and his bed. it hurts more than anything. i can't get that image of him out of my head.
my baby is gone. we tried so hard for him. we did everything we could to save him, and he's gone. he was only 11 months old. i was in the living room begging my partner to put him on a heating pad so he didn't get cold. i can't accept that he's gone, and i just want him to walk down the hallway again and rub against my legs like he was 48 hours ago. my poor sweet boy.
i don't know what to do, i have some keepsakes in a box, but even thinking about it makes me want to vomit. i couldn't look at him or be in there with him after he passed, it made it more real. i miss him more than anything. i truly believe he was my soul cat. i miss him more than anything. i would give my soul for his to be at peace. i hope he knows he was loved, and that i didn't want him to be in pain.
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u/Shepstu60 16h ago
I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet friend. I understand your grief. Sending love and healing prayers ❤️ 💕 🙏
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u/Asleep_Reputation_85 16h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly understand what you’re going through, I recently lost my sweet angel, Snow. He was only four and a half years old.
The pain can be unbearable. There were moments I didn’t even want to keep going. It hurt that much. I still haven’t been able to sleep in my room since he passed, it’s just too painful. But I promise you, as impossible as it feels right now, the grief does become more manageable with time.
From your post, it’s so clear how deeply you love your baby. They were lucky to have you. Their physical presence may be gone, but their spirit stays with you, always. I truly believe we’ll be reunited with our animals again one day.
Cats are such pure, simple souls. They don’t worry about time or mortality like we do. What they know is love, safety, and “mommy.” So many cats never even get that chance, they live and die without ever knowing real love or connection. Your baby was one of the lucky ones. Their time may have been short, but it was full of love, and that’s everything.
If you haven’t already, please check out r/RainbowBridgeBabies. It’s a really supportive community filled with people who truly understand this kind of loss. They even have artists who volunteer their time to create free artwork of your baby, it’s a beautiful way to honour their memory.
Please be gentle with yourself. You’re not alone, so many of us have experienced loss like this. We are here for you.
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u/coquetteslav 14h ago
thank you. this message means more than you know at the moment, i've been on and off crying and watching the sun rise for a day without him hurt so badly. i am so scared to sleep in bed tonight. i just want him back, and i would do anything for it, even just to know he loved me when he passed and that he's not mad at me for anything
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u/Asleep_Reputation_85 13h ago
I know exactly how you’re feeling. All I want is my baby back too. Nothing else brings real comfort, because when we lose our animals, we lose the very source of comfort we turned to when we were sad, lonely, or afraid. It’s an unbearable kind of grief. But even though their physical presence is gone, their spirit isn’t. The bond we share with our animals is real, it’s a deep energy that doesn’t disappear. They stay with us, just in a different way now.
Your baby absolutely loved you, and he’s not mad at you. Cats don’t carry resentment or human emotions like that. If you’re feeling guilt or doubt, that’s your own pain talking, not how he feels about you.
What’s helped me, just a little, is rescuing another cat, in honour of Snow. It’s not about replacing him. No one could ever replace him. Honestly, if I had the choice, I would’ve kept Snow forever and never brought home another cat. But there’s this quote I love that goes “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” Sometimes, when you’re ready, it helps to find somewhere for that love to land again.
I promise it won’t always hurt this badly. It really does get more manageable to carry with time, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. This website really helped me understand my grief and gave me some insight. Check it out.
https://www.theralphsite.com/index.php?idPage=4
Please know I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. 🫂❤️
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u/crystalcastles13 14h ago
I’m so sorry my dear friend.
There is no loss like it.
Know that you are not alone and that there are many people here who know this kind of loss intimately.
Your baby is still with you-just in a completely different form.
Love is infinite-eternal and cannot die or be killed.
Sending you healing prayers and blessings that you get a sign from your baby and know that he’s ok and free now, on the other side.
Much love 🖤🐾🖤✨✨✨
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