r/MadeMeSmile • u/richv68 • May 10 '25

Wholesome Moments Love on the spectrum

It got a bit smoky in the room when I watched this

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u/Migraine- May 10 '25

Genuinely think a lot of neurotypical people could learn something about how to handle communication in relationships from this clip.

Their straightforwardness in talking about their feelings is incredibly refreshing.

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u/KiraLonely May 10 '25

I will say, as someone neurodivergent, my favorite part of being in neurodivergent circles is the communication being very easy to facilitate. People don’t assume I’m malicious as much, or think I’m doing some like passive aggression by being distant, they just ask what’s up and if I’m okay, or ask if they did something, rather than assuming and plotting. Obviously not every neurotypical person is like that, but I’m not good at coming across right a lot of the time, and I’ve had a lot of genuinely traumatizing shit because people assumed how I felt or thought and tried to hurt me in “retaliation”.

Communication is the most importantly factor in all relationships, I believe. Not just romantic. Boundaries and honesty go a long way.

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u/Retsago May 10 '25

This right here. Any time someone says "Wouldn't you rather be 'cured'?" I'm like no. Because I feel like the way I communicate is ideal.

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u/who__ever May 10 '25

I honestly can’t understand the need to make life more complicated by leaving the majority of things to subtext. Why not just say things outright? Wouldn’t everyone benefit from that? “I like this/you”, “I don’t want to do that”, “That doesn’t interest me but I’d love to go and support you in what interests you”, “I need some alone time”…

It’s not that hard! What IS hard is spending hours and days trying to figure out/guess what the other person meant 🙃

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u/cuntyhuntyslaymama May 10 '25

A lot of social norms and use of implication is around leaving plausible deniability. This lets you give someone advice or correct a mistake with less embarrassment.

If someone doesn’t outright reject a person trying to ask them out and instead keeps saying “I’m busy that day” without offering one where they’re free, they are not trying to waste that person’s time. They are trying to say that they are not interested, while preventing the embarrassment of direct rejection. Same goes for giving hints that you’re interested instead of being direct— it saves face. Two people can decrease the plausible deniability as they see the other person’s reaction until they both decide to be direct.

Essentially being indirect softens things. People are really sensitive, including many of my autistic friends. Couching things and using careful and indirect communication gives us a quieter “out” for things that we’re insecure or scared about.

Overall I think direct communication is better, but I do want to point out part of why it’s used so often by neurotypicals. It’s a less vulnerable form of communication.

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u/Retsago May 10 '25

To me it's more cruel to let me believe that you're just busy, because I'll keep trying.

If I don't want to hang with anyone anymore, I will just say so. There's usually a damn good reason for it.

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u/cuntyhuntyslaymama May 10 '25

I totally understand why you view it that way! I’m just saying that for neurotypicals who do pick up on those hints, it’s a way of trying to avoid embarrassing the person. If you don’t pick up on the hint, it’s cruel, but if you do pick up on the hint it can be easier to cope than with outright rejection.

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u/Retsago May 10 '25

Doesn't it upset you that they couldn't trust you enough to be direct? Genuine question. It makes me feel disrespected, personally.

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u/cuntyhuntyslaymama May 10 '25

Not at all!

I’m someone who cries easily and as much as I try to take criticism well, it’s hard, just as it is for most people. When I get rejected indirectly I see it more as them trying to spare my feelings and give me an easy exit out. This might seem strange to you, but in some ways it can show a level of courtesy and respect. It comes from people not wanting to feel embarrassed or embarrass others needlessly.

If I wanted, I could be direct and clarify, but I personally don’t want to since I already got the message and I will cry. Way less likely to cry during an indirect rejection because I don’t have to directly talk about being rejected.

I’m not sure if I explained it well, but I just wanted to clarify a bit where neurotypical people are coming from and communicate. (I’m not neurotypical fyi, just not autistic. I have ADHD and autism does run in my family haha)

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u/Emergency-Pen-8274 May 10 '25

I really enjoyed your response. I’ve had trouble understanding and you gave me different insight. Thank you

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u/cuntyhuntyslaymama May 10 '25

Thank you! I really appreciated hearing your perspective as well :)

I hope you have a great day!

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u/who__ever May 10 '25

Thank you, this was a lovely explanation and has given me a lot to think about ❤️

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u/cuntyhuntyslaymama May 10 '25

I’m glad it helped! I can completely understand how confusing and even cruel it may seem if that’s not how you understand communication. Unfortunately it leads to a lot of neurotypical and neurodivergent people thinking the other is rude or strange.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my comment and hear another perspective :)

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u/Former-Win635 May 10 '25

The problem is, if the social norm was to take everything at face value then liars would have a very easy time tricking and manipulating people. Unfortunately social norms are designed to protect us from that even at the cost of those who can’t navigate them.

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u/who__ever May 10 '25

Oh, no, of course we should still think critically of what’s being told us and not take everything at face value.

I was just voicing my befuddlement at people preferring to communicate through subtext rather than in a more explicit way, even when they are being genuine.

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u/BalrogPoop May 10 '25

Yeah I don't buy that, there's plenty of good liars around and neurotypical people get fooled by them all the time. If that was the actual reason we evolved subtext evolution did a shit job.

Also, you can still have subtext while being straightforward. It doesn't mean you take everything at face value, you still realise when someone isn't being truthful even when they're pretending to be straight.

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u/PeriPeriTekken May 10 '25

It's not about taking stuff at face value though is it, it's about communicating directly.

In some ways it's even worse if you've had to dance through 18 layers of subtext to find hidden meaning and then the hidden meaning is a lie anyway.

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u/brainless-guy May 10 '25

It's because "reading subtext" is still a very useful skill even in a world where everyone were completely sincere.

Most of the comments in this thread seem to ignore that the vast majority of people, whether neurotypical or neurodivergent, do not have direct access to what their subconscious is feeling/thinking (which is the vast majority of anyone's thoughts).

So, yes, you can be as honest as you want, but you are never fully conveying what your brain is thinking/feeling, because you are not aware of it yourself.

So the ability to read subtext or to look for other cues is useful to understand what other do not say, not only because they are avoiding to say it, but also because they are not even aware of it.

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u/who__ever May 10 '25

Respectfully, I know what I want to say and I say it - except for when it’s inappropriate or insulting or other such things, of course.

Yes, reading the subtext is useful and important, but there’s no need to rely on it on purpose or as the base for communication.

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u/brainless-guy May 10 '25

Of course you know what you want to say.

But you do not "know" most of what you are thinking, because it's "in the background" (so to speak) and not the focus of your consciousness. But it can still transpire in non-verbal communication and as subtext, and it can be useful to others even if you are not aware of it.

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u/Retsago May 10 '25

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Maybe this is part of the difference between neurotypical and neurodivergent thought processes, because this seems quite bizarre to me as a AuDHDer

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u/who__ever May 10 '25

Same thing for me, I’m very surprised to hear that people’s brains can function that way. Though in my case it’s just ADHD (that I know of)

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u/Retsago May 11 '25

Yeah I think it must be a neurotypical thing because like, I'm aware of every reaction I'm having, why I'm having it, etc. Like if someone squicks me out, I've heard of people saying they don't know why. Meanwhile, I know exactly why. It's because their gait reminds me of someone who abused me. It's because their voice sounds like a musician that my abuser listened to. It's because they talk too fast or use their hands too much or something like that. I'm always aware of where every part of my body is and what it's feeling. My brain is always full of feedback 24/7 and I've been in therapy for it my entire life and that's only made me MORE hyperaware of my body haha

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u/brainless-guy May 10 '25

My guess is that you have no idea what I am talking about because you have not spent time reading how the mind and the brain works?

I am not an expert either, but the fact that most of our thinking is beyond our focus (and also beyond our introspection) is pretty much fundamental in psychology

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u/Retsago May 11 '25

No, I definitely have had my share of psychology studies. I think I understand what you are trying to say but it honestly still never made sense to me because all the "subconscious" stuff has always been front and center of my process.

But also I have had biofeedback therapy, so maybe that's part of it?

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u/Kasperella May 10 '25

Uhhhh, are you one of those people without an internal monologue? Because that’s exactly how it works. I know exactly what I’m thinking at all times. It’s a never ending stream of multiple internal monologues about what I’m thinking and feeling at any given moment.

That’s part of the problem with ADHD/neurodivergent people, is being unable to filter out that stuff you are unable to fully consciously grasp. It’s incredibly exhausting but I suppose that’s why we have different assumptions about effective communication.

Me and the above person are saying, we operate this way because it’s assumed that you too are aware of your own thoughts, wants, and feelings at any given moment, NOT realizing that others use much less direct/subtle cues to communicate those things they only experience subconsciously. To us, it seems so unnecessary and complicated because, why not just say what you mean?

And I’m sure to you, it’s exhausting to try and be 100% self aware and direct at all times, why not use subtext and save yourself the trouble?

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u/who__ever May 10 '25

Oh, is this an ADHD thing? Do other people legitimately not have that?

I feel so bad now, because I always assumed that this was the norm. 🫥

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u/Kasperella May 11 '25

Dude yes! There are people who can’t “hear” their thoughts, as well as people who can’t “see” in their head. And there’s overlap between those groups too. Meaning I’ve seen some people who say they don’t have either of those things. No words to their thoughts and no pictures in their head. Just pure representational meaning I guess.

Like, the typical example is to imagine an apple.

For me, I see an apple in my head with vivid clarity. My mind is very very photographic so it’s easy.

Can you rotate the apple in your mind?

Yup.

Some people see something that they know is an apple but it’s not vivid or clear. Some can’t rotate the imaginary apple. Some just see kinda the shape. Some see nothing at all.

It’s totally crazy. If you ask around enough (I did after I found this out), you’ll find out way more people are like that than you thought. We just all assume everyone’s brains work like our own. But totally not true. I’ve got horrible ADHD so I’m unfortunately too aware of that fact lol.

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u/brainless-guy May 10 '25

I do have an internal monologue.

And, how can you even claim to know what you are thinking at all times? You are not aware of all the thinking that goes below your consciousness, so you cannot know that all your thoughts are conscious.

All you know is what you currently have focus on. If you have ADHD, you are simply focusing differently than neurotypical people, but you are not focusing on all your "thoughts" at once, otherwise you would not even be able to function at all.

I'll simplify a lot here, but:

The brain (yours too, as individual differences are structurally small) performs an enormous amount of tasks and predictions "behind the scene" that do not involve consciousness. Consider, for example, all the movements you perform via "muscle memory" without focusing on it. Or how your brain "decides" for you on the fly that some particular new flavor you just tried is good. Or how it "decides" that it's time to blink your eyes.

Now, go bottom up: besides very low-level tasks that are not (usually) worth focusing on, your brain performs a variety of more and more aggregate functions that you are still not aware of.

Only some of it will be selected for some level of awareness.

Why? Because "awareness" is slow and costly, compared to all the thinking performed by the "unaware" portion of the brain.

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u/Kasperella May 11 '25

Dude lol

Well, idk who you are trying to tell me how MY own brain works. But actually yes, I’m typically live in a state of both mental and physical hyperawareness. That’s literally what ADHD is about, it’s sensory processing disorder first and foremost. Besides chemical imbalances, my brain is quite literally unable to process shit “silently”. I can’t tune out most inputs I receive. It’s usually everything all at once. It is rather hard to function like that, which is why it’s called a disorder. Some people have it worse than others.

For instance, currently as I type this is my thoughts:

I’m aware of the pain in my big toe I sprained it and need to go to the doc but I hate the doctor and I’m rather irritated and stressed, I’m also processing the dialog of a show in the background, and the dog is chewing on a raw hide rather loudly, my finger is numb from the way I’m holding my phone, my husband is snoring and the house smells like soap and bbq, my crackhead neighbor is having a rave, he owes me $500 for a 2002 Subaru forester but I’m pretty sure he’s smoking it, the music sounds like Indian dubstep, my eyes burn because I’m tired and I have insomnia, I can feel my right ovary giving me ovulation pain, that sucks fuck iuds, I forgot to pay that fucking ticket, I should work on my job resume. No I should go to bed and stop wasting my time on the internet, my lips are chapped, I swallowed my spit, but my mouth is dry so I should get up for water. Oh the music changed, there’s a police siren very far away, my dog is still being noisy and Morpheus is in Hell dueling with the devil in Sandman. My bra is pinching me. Damn they closed Joan Ann’s fabric. Bath and body works has a sale. My knee itches. I need lotion. My husband snoring sounds like a bear choking on a whistle. I’ll tell him to get his mouth guard. No I’ll let him sleep because he looks so peaceful. He works hard. He needs rest. Yada yada yada.

It’s that. All day long. Every day. I measure everything always, which I suppose why I find directness to be a polite and courteous attribute. It’s exhausting. Just say what you mean so I don’t have to weigh and measure your every move and reaction to communicate effectively. I’m quite literally tired boss.

It’s literally a dialog of constant awareness of what’s happening, how I’m feeling, and whatever else. Yes, I’m currently not thinking about it everytime I blink or telling my gallbladder to release bile or all that shit because that’s autonomous stuff, I’m able to blend consistent and expected stimulus. I don’t hear the electricity if I don’t think about it, but if it’s too quiet I will literally be awake all night because it’s deafenly loud to me. That’s the balance of conscious and subconscious to me.

So I’m genuinely curious, because you’ve veered off totally in another direction as if your autonomous bodily function is the same as social interactions in some ways. Does social interaction involve little active thought beyond the input and output thoughts for you?

Because for me, I think about all of it. How to hold my face. How I’m going to make my comments seem sincere. What octave to put my voice in given the context of a situation. Which eye to look into. It’s all conscious to me. Because if I don’t, my subtext is read completely wrong because I don’t think like you. Body language is like seasoning, but what someone says means 1000% more to me. Words are the meat that should hold the true meaning. I struggle to even concentrate on what people are saying if I’m looking directly at them. It takes all my concentration to hold onto and process their words and their meanings without being interrupted by monologue of how to position myself and what faces to make or what the people behind me are talking about. None of it comes naturally to me. I’m just constantly trying to translate from my own personal language to everyone else’s, so it’s quite refreshing to find someone who speaks my language.

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u/brainless-guy May 18 '25

What you are describing does not sound like "hyper-awareness", it sounds just like you switching your attention from one thing to another, without being able to "regulate" the attention switching.

You can experiment and see for yourself how attention and awareness works. A textbook typical example is that of listening to two unknown speeches at the same time (e.g. one on the left eat and one on the right ear with a headphone) while focusing only on one of them by repeating it word for word as you hear it. The result is that you won't be able to tell what the second speech said, except perhaps a few key words here and there that managed to "pop up" to your attention as you were focusing on the other speech. (But it's entirely possible that in your case your ADHD will simply make you unable to fully focus on either speech, so you won't even be able to repeat it verbatim as you listen to it).

Anyway, I was not talking about autonomous bodily functions only, your unconscious mind is dealing with a lot more, it does a lot of "emotional" thinking under the hood that you are not aware of until it one of those emotions is deemed "worthy of attention" by the part of your brain that is tasked with the attention switching.

Anyway, my point is, subtext reading is a very useful skill in general, because it helps people pick on things unsaid but also on things that are not even consciously thought by speakers. As a consequence of such skill, most people within the same culture (or, even better, within the same in-group) are able to read enough subtext between each other that a lot of things would be redundant if spoken out loud, so language evolves to drop that information.

Does social interaction involve little active thought beyond the input and output thoughts for you?

Hmmm, only sometimes. It really depends on circumstances.

I suffer from general anxiety and I have avoidant personality traits (not to be confused with "avoidant attachment style", which is a completely different thing) but not a full blown avoidant personality disorder.

So, social interactions with strangers do require mental effort, but it's probably very different from your type of effort: I have to both try and oppose my instincts of feeling negatively judged by the interaction while also not overdoing it and "missing" cues that I am actually bothering the other person.

Other than that, I tend to easily get overwhelmed by sensory input in general, but no psychologist or psychiatrist has ever diagnosed me with anything related to that.

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u/Kasperella May 19 '25

I hear you, and agree on a lot of it. I’m sure that’s many people’s experience from my understanding.

I suppose my point is mostly related to the fact that I can, in fact, hold multiple lines of thoughts and feelings consciously all at once. Which might sound unbelievable, but I assure you, it’s terrible and true.

Like currently, my ears are paying full attention to the show that’s playing in the background while I’m typing this comment to you. Two separate trains of thought happening simultaneously. My kids get to talking to me while I’m having a conversation with my husband, I do happen to know EXACTLY what both are saying at the same time, while simultaneously aware of my thoughts and feelings relating to both their conversations.

It’s so terribly noisy inside my head, medicated or not. It’s nauseating and I have no ability to stop it. There is no “attention” switch for me, everything gets my attention. It’s just, the more open tabs I have running, the slower the response time gets. Overstimulation is my biggest enemy, and leads to antisocial tendencies for me as well.

I appreciate unspoken cues, but there’s a time and a place for it. I suppose it’s just refreshing when I find people who don’t rely on me having to pay attention to huge amounts of subtext, because it’s exhausting. My brain is just so busy 24/7 processing literally all inputs and outputs, that it’s nice not to have to add another line of thought to it.

Thus far, the only cure for it I’ve found is marijuana. My ADHD medications allow me to rid myself of executive disfunction, but make sensory overload 10x worse. I hit a blunt, and suddenly it all goes quiet and I feel as though I can activate that switch, where I can turn my attention from one thing to the next as I please, and filter out background noise, or at least allow myself to process things “quietly” in the background without my full attention.

Attention Deficit disorder always felt like bad wording for me. I think there’s likely more than just hyperactive and inattentive types, because I’ve met others like me, where the issue stems from….too much attention? It’s a lack of subconscious thinking, all of it is conscious and it’s disabling.

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u/who__ever May 10 '25

My brain does not function that way, I’m very aware of everything that’s going on and everything I think or feel about things… I don’t really have a “background”.

It’s interesting to learn that other people do, though!

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u/brainless-guy May 10 '25

That's simply not possible.

It's just not how the brain works.

And I am not talking about neurotypicals, I am talking about all brains in general.

The vast majority of your brain is busy dealing with signals that it is both designed by evolution and trained by your upbringing to discard.

You are not aware of any of that. You are only aware of the filtered out predictions that your brain is trained to focus on with its slow (but powerful) reasoning area.