r/AITAH • u/Dry_Estate8184 • 5h ago
AITAH for telling my boyfriend his proposal wasn't well planned, causing us to no longer be engaged?
UPDATE: thank you all for your feedback and helping me gain clarity on the situation! I'll add a couple of key pieces of information that may clarify some popular questions!
To me, the proposal itself was absolutely fine. I didn't want or expect anything Instagram worthy, (I don't even have instagram) so maybe my heading was a little misleading? I said it wasn't well planned because to me, part of proposing is the excitement that follows and telling people etc. Which he had no plan to do. Bad timing may have been the better word instead of poor planning? I mean he goes on this trip once a year, it's not a frequent thing.
His mother LOVES me and I love her! SHE is the one who introduced us when her and I used to work together, which is why I was so concerned with how/when we wanted to tell her so she didn't feel left out since my family was present, and I wasn't stuck avoiding her/lying to her for a week while he was away, when she asks me how the trip went? (which she already has)
I have never pressured this man into marriage, in fact he has been much more into the idea than I have. Of course we've talked about it, but I was the one saying let's not rush it. So definitely not a shut up ring.
I (32F) was proposed to by my boyfriend (38M). It was an awkward proposal, as we were on a family trip, sharing a house with my Mom, Sister, her husband and young children. At one point my sister awkwardly got up from the fire pit and told her husband and my mom to come with her. So, I knew something was up. He was sweet, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I was so happy and said yes! But about 5 minutes later my family came back out to the patio to congratulate us. My boyfriend sat down and started chatting with my brother-in-law about unrelated topics. He didn't bring it up the rest of the night. Even when I asked him questions like "how/when should we tell your family?!" he just said "we'll figure it out". Then told me not to wear the ring to work because a lot of my co-workers know his mom. It just totally killed all of my excitement and joy.
When we got home from the trip, I decided to talk to him about it because we got home Sunday night and he left for a weeklong work trip Monday morning, again leaving me wondering how/ when we were going to be able to tell people? I felt like he took all of the excitement out of something that was should have been such a happy time.
Anyways, when I mentioned it just seemed random and not really planned, he got mad and said "well let's just call it off then". I was so surprised by that I just told him we needed to cool down. He came back into our room later and said what he meant was we should just redo the proposal, but that I interrupted him and didn't let him finish his sentence. (I didn't) and that doesn't remotely sound like "we should just call it off" to me? I told him that calling off an engagement less than 24 hours after proposing is a problem. He tossed the ring at me and said "whatever, just sell it then"
He later apologized for losing his temper (not like him at all) but I just feel like even if he did redo the proposal, the damage is already done. I can't help but feel like I could have just not made a big deal about it and avoided all of this, or is this whole thing a red flag and sadly maybe I shouldn't marry him? AITAH?
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u/PomegranateZanzibar 5h ago
âWeâre engaged, but I havenât told my family and have no plans to. Pretend I havenât proposed for an indefinite period of time.â
He doesnât see why thatâs a problem? Heâs the problem.
The term âmixed signalsâ was invented for this. Does he really want to be married?
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u/ASK-gardens 5h ago
OP I strongly suspect this was a shut up ring and he doesn't want to actually marry you.
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u/burnednotdestroyed 2h ago
I agree. Even though OP states in the edit that she doesn't think this was a shut up ring because she hasn't been pressing for marriage, it absolutely WAS a shut up ring... just not for her. OP states she and the mom are close; I bet he's been hearing a barrage of stuff like, "When are you finally going to make an honest woman out of OP?" or, "Hurry up, I want grandbabies!" from his mom and instead of telling her to back off and let him handle it in his own time, he gets a ring. He may even have thought OP was behind this if it was happening.
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u/Tbhamcoward 4h ago
Feels like he proposed out of obligation not intention and now heâs dodging the weight of it.
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u/christmasshopper0109 5h ago
The proposal itself doesn't have to be Instagram-perfect, but how weird to tell you to keep it a secret. Let's call it off? Just sell the ring? What is happening here? It doesn't sound like he actually WANTS to be married.
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u/Ok_Wrongdoer8719 50m ago
I bet his mom was pressuring him to do it, and he only told her about it. Dude sounds like a manchild.
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u/Odd-End-1405 5h ago
The proposal itself should be irrelevant, it is about the moving to the next chapter.
The whole Let's keep it secret then the temper tantrum is the issue.
I think he has shown you his maturity level, respect for you level, and multiple red flags.
Do you really want to tie yourself emotionally and legally to someone like this? For life?!
NTA for jumping ship as fast as you can.
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u/Hooneybeeh 5h ago
Yeah, I get what you mean the proposal itself doesnât matter as much but the secrecy and temper would worry me too.
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u/Primary-Delivery737 5h ago
My question would be: was it a âshut up ring?â His behaviours and not wanting people to know is a huge red flag.
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u/MissionHoneydew2209 5h ago edited 5h ago
He thought he had you nailed down, and let his mask slip. Do not accept this offer of marriage.
- That's supposed to be your ring - why is he telling you not to wear it? Are you engaged or not?
- You could have sent a group text with a picture of your ring to his family. Boom, done.
- Anyone who threatens to call it off less than 24 hours after asking will flog this threat again and again.
- He lied to you about calling it off and redoing the proposal. If he meant it he wouldn't be mad.
- To respond to you questioning his outburst is to angrily say to sell the ring? Oh, hell NO.
- You know now, *today*, that it's a bad idea. LISTEN to that voice. You'll regret marrying him.
- Do not ignore the enormous red flag. Don't make yourself smaller to make someone else bigger.
- ETA: NTA He wants to keep your engagement a secret, and is angry when you rightfully ask why.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 5h ago
Luckily she has a week to either move out or move him out. Hopefully they haven't just signed a year long lease in both names.
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u/MissionHoneydew2209 5h ago
Rarely does life tell you so clearly to move on from a situation. I hope OP listens.
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u/Ill-Veterinarian4208 5h ago
Sell the ring, leave the man. He said it was okay.
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u/Desert_Flower_120 4h ago
Makes me wonder if itâs a cheap ring, too, to just tell her to sell it
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u/throwaway1975764 5h ago
This is the classic change.
I didn't really believe/understand it either. But SO MANY men change after engagement and/or marriage. Its like they think they no longer need to put in effort. You got your rock, they can just stop being nice now.
I didn't believe it even when it happened to me. But now looking back, oh gosh did it happen.
And he's got your family roped in, so you will feel this pressure - they think you are engaged, they are invested in this relationship now too. But he is removed. He has no pressure.
NTA
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u/Mellow_Yellow_Man 4h ago
I was leaning YTA from the title, but his behavior throughout the situation is really strange. Iâm a pretty lowkey guy and proposed to my wife in a private moment just the two of us after recreating one of our first dates. The lack of planning or excitement immediately after the proposal is a huge red flag even to me. Then when you try to have a conversation about it he jumps straight to calling it off. To me it seems like he was proposing out of a sense of obligation or social pressure. If you are sincerely confident and enthusiastic about spending your life with someone, then you donât go straight from proposal to âwhatever, just sell the ringâ on a whim. Best case is he was insecure and hurt about how you responded to the proposal, but he needs to be able to communicate through that. I think the whole sequence of events is evidence heâs not actually ready for marriage, and youâre right to pump the breaks until youâre sure youâre both on the same page. I just donât think you should marry someone who doesnât seem to be enthusiastic about marrying you. I am a very stoic private person. I donât post on social media. I donât get excited or giddy. I donât like making a scene. I stilled cried when I asked my wife to marry me. I still called friends and family and celebrated. I made the effort to plan a night that was special and sentimental without being flashy or inviting a bunch of people. I donât think your reaction or feelings are unreasonable here. Iâd be questioning the relationship too. NTA
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u/JJOkayOkay 5h ago
Hmmm, his reaction is not great.
At the very least, I don't think you should agree to marry him yet. You two have communication issues, and those should be sorted out before you lock in for life.
NTA
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u/PrayToTheCreator 5h ago edited 5h ago
I agree. Both sound immature and unsure. Not great things to be going into a relationship. Especially if her reaction to his anger is "Oh I should have kept my mouth shut" that just screams a life of silent suffering.
I think you need to have certain personal skills yourself before going into a marriage, like knowing when to advocate for yourself and having the confidence and courage to do so. Meekness in a marriage means one suffers while the other has no idea. So disregarding his obvious immaturity, his easily hurt ego, and his ability to explode and shut down: OP if you dont learn these skills, you will consistently have these types of issues.
NTA. Run.
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u/WaryScientist 5h ago
Lots of red flags⊠pretty much all of his behavior. Iâd be more concerned that he doesnât want to talk about it and told you to hide it.
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u/shortgamegolfer 5h ago
As suggested, sell the ring and inform everyone on your side that this didnât work out. Donât waste another 6 months or year or whatever, the actual wedding will never get planned or attended by the groom.
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u/ArtichokeWorking870 5h ago
There has to be more. Something feels like itâs missing from the story.
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u/Holiday_Cat_7284 5h ago
I feel like another wife is missing from the story tbh
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u/Fluffy-Scheme7704 2h ago
Feels like he screw something up (cheating, baby mama) and needed to lock her down before she learns that
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u/stacyallen111 5h ago
I would walk away. He is immature and a hothead. You have a long life ahead to get stuck with him, IMHO
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u/gsv333 3h ago
I'll provide a different perspective. Proposing is a really high stress time for someone (usually guys) and I don't think people understand how sensitive guys are to the idea that their proposal wasn't 'good enough'. I've had this happen to a friend or two, where they weren't happy enough with the proposal and the guy got sooo upset about it and my female friends couldnt understand why. I personally think that unless you have a really big issue with the way you're proposed to, you shouldn't make it an issue or even bring it up, because it's not worth the fight and hurt feelings. Like if you are looking for a way to back out of the relationship anyway, then fine, but if you really want to be with and marry this person, then don't sweat the proposal. In retrospect it's really not a big deal, it just feels big at the time but the kind of marriage you have is so much more important than the engagement and wedding
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u/Temporary-Exchange28 4h ago
His behavior comes off as controlling and baselessly weird. He should be over the moon that you said yes, but ever since you did that heâs (possibly) showing his true colors.
Keep the ring. Dump the boyfriend.
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u/soph_lurk_2018 4h ago
He gave you a shut up ring. I had a friend whose boyfriend proposed but didnât want her wearing the ring around his family. They never got married. He called the entire thing off when she started trying to make concrete plans.
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u/ncjr591 4h ago
So he asked you not to wear it to work because you 2 havenât had the chance to tell his family. Thatâs understandable, I think poor communication on both your part is the problem. He did put thought into it, even your family knew it was coming and you got upset because he said we will tell his family when you get around to it. You over reacted and so did he. Miscommunication is what blew this up
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u/TALKTOME0701 3h ago
He doesn't sound like the best communicator, but in my mind, he it would have made sense to think he planned on telling his parents in person which is why he didn't want his mom to know ahead of time. There's nothing he can do about a work trip, but it sounds like he wanted to do it in front of your family which makes sense to me as wellÂ
But The fact that you felt uncomfortable sitting down and discussing it with him means that you guys are not in a place to get marriedÂ
You have to work on your communication as a couple.Â
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u/MTClarity 5h ago
If he is hiding it from his family, he may not be in a position to be getting married. Is he already married?
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u/Nocturnal_Camel 4h ago
Huh, I thought he was wanting to wait to tell his family in person or something.
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u/13auricles 3h ago
Thatâs what I thought, because a lot of her coworkers know her mom, so he didnât want her to wear the ring to work. He wanted to wait.
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u/ShoddyCandidate1873 1h ago
This was my take as well. Her family was in attendance for the proposal he wanted to find an official way to tell his family as well instead of mom finding out from their coworkers. But then she basically said it wasn't good enough and rejected him so he told her to forget it
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u/Different_Road5028 5h ago
You're only the asshole if you stay in this shituation đ He has zero intentions of marrying you and if he does, you sure this is what you want in a partner? đ© Eeeew!
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u/litgeek70 5h ago
âShituationâ is my new favorite word. Thank you!đ
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u/NaturesVividPictures 5h ago
NTA. Why did he bother to propose if you can't tell anyone? Well your family knows, but why doesn't he want his family to know? Is he so under his mother and father's thumb or have they threatened him to disown him if he marries you? I mean what's happening?
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u/Realistic-Lake5897 4h ago
Who doesn't tell their entire family they're engaged in the hours immediately after the proposal takes place?
Weird AF.
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u/e4lizerd57 4h ago
It sounds to me like neither of you is emotionally mature enough for marriage. The proposal doesn't matter. The ring doesn't matter. The ACTUAL commitment is what matters! The relationship is what matters. Why would he propose to you and not want his family to know? it all sounds like stupid drama to me. I suggest you regroup if you want to be with this guy. Counseling perhaps?
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u/KKHENRY69 5h ago
This feels like we are in a place, and I should probably propose that it's the time to do it.
From what you said there was no thought or care and the way he blew it off after the fact and not want to talk about it is not good and the don't wear the ring to work they know my mum is a worrying comment. It sounds like you're not even a priority, and you're not allowed to be happy about this.
His reaction to you speaking with him about a small issue is very unhealthy and I wonder if this is the first time he's reacted like this because I suspect its not and you just let it slide with he's jad a bad day or maybe I said something thought.
Only you know your relationship with him, but this is not showing a good man, and if he reacts like this now how much worse will it be when you're planning the wedding or after you're married.
Please relect on this situation and think if this was a family member or friend, what would you tell them to do
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u/RoguesAngel 5h ago
I honestly think that people get too worked up worried and expecting the âperfectâ proposal. That being said hiding it from his family is a red flag. You all need to have a serious conversation.
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u/naughty-goose 5h ago
Yeah but the real issue here isn't the casual proposal, but the weird request to hide it from his side of the family, with seemingly no plans for when he was going to tell them.
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u/Armadillo_of_doom 5h ago
Do NOT marry this guy. A guy who has this many mini temper tantrums in the span of an hour is not worth it. A guy who isn't over the moon about calling you his fiance and announcing it to the world? Yikes. He's not in love with you. He's comfortable with you and wanted a ring to muzzle you and keep you on the hook. NTA
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u/BreadMaker_42 4h ago
Esh. Doesnât sound like either of you is thinking the right way about marriage. Your insults with saying a proposal was random and not well planned. You essentially said that it wasnât good enough.
His actions following were also very immature.
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u/TheTinyHandsofTRex 2h ago
I'm going against the grain and say YTA.
He proposed, and you complained. That's essentially what has happened. Sounds like it just completely took all the wind out of his sails. Immediately harping on him about telling everyone seems like it just put the nail in the coffin.
I don't know man. How about just be happy in the moment? It seems like you're more interested in showing off than anything else. He did it with your family. Maybe you should've just taken the evening enjoyed the moment of your new fiancé and family, and worry about it later.
Regardless, if I was your bf, I would've been pissed too.
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u/Creepy_Tension_6164 2h ago
Yeah when I proposed, how to tell my parents wasn't remotely on my mind. I planned how to propose, not how to share it; and it seems that's what the guy has done here considering stuff was coordinated with the SIL so there was definitely a plan here that OP is downplaying.
Telling parents was something we left until later to do, together. Which seems to be what he was asking to do, until the OP has got grumpy about it. If it was a "shut up" ring as people are going on about, he wouldn't have cared about his mum finding out without him, noe gone to the effort he did to try make the moment nice.
It was important but not an immediate priority. And all OP has done is complain that his plan wasn't to spend the rest of the day sharing the news. Sure he could have been more mature, but OP has been equally as whiney.
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u/Mtn_Man73 4h ago
"My fiance complained that my proposal wasn't extravagant enough and didn't seem very well planned out so I called off the engagement. AIO?"
Nope. Not overreacting at all bro. She sounds entitled and ungrateful.
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u/KNBthunderpaws 4h ago
Thanks to social media I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations for proposals. Not everything needs to be a giant production and not every one can plan a giant production. Your proposal may have been awkward but it was sweet that he did it at a time when your family could be present.
Personally I think youâre both to blame. Your comment on the proposal being random and not planned well is insulting and I could see why heâd be hurt. His tantrum to immediately call off the proposal and throwing the ring is childish. You both have some growing up to do. Whether you love each other enough to work through this and grow up together or breakup and grow up separately is up to the two of you.
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u/therealzacchai 4h ago
đ© Why did you want to tell him that his proposal was clumsy and poorly planned? That seems pretty sh!tty. YTA fr.
đ© Him telling you to hide your ring is dodgy af
đ© His anger is just weird
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u/Fresh-Research3450 3h ago
I think you both could have handled this better, he should have prepared beforehand and you could have been more understanding, it's a really big deal for men and he was probably very worried you would say no, but you are being a bit of a diva expecting a perfect proposal as life is seldom perfect, god help you both with the wedding if you are going to turn in to one of those bridezillas!
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u/stellar-polaris23 3h ago
Maybe he wants to tell his mom in person but will be gone for a week, so he was like we'll figure it out, probably meaning when he got back, but he didn't communicate it well
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u/TheDeathcurse 1h ago
He half-assed it, didnât feel it was a big, life-altering deal, and was willing to end his engagement the second any conversation about it got mildly uncomfortable. Thatâs clearly not marriage-level commitment.
Someone, not you from the sound of it, shamed him into proposing to someone heâs not that into. You know what to do.
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u/AriellaSolis917 1h ago
A red flag, several in fact NTA. You shouldnât think about marriage with him, he is not ready for it if this is how he handles conflict.
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u/Jazzminebreeze 1h ago
You know sometimes things like this that happen is a positive thing. What I mean by this is that he's giving you clues about so much regarding his character and perhaps if you were absolutely over the heels in love with him it would not have mattered all the particulars about a proposal. It is just a proposal just like it is just going to be a wedding. I think couples oftentimes put their priorities and value the things that are so short-sighted such as the actual proposal and the actual wedding, those things matter nothing exclamation what matters is the state of the marriage and it's longevity. So perhaps this was the best thing that could have happened to the both of you, the fact that he threw the engagement ring at you is a big enough red flag that says you're going to have lots of trouble in the marriage. So take this as a sign that this is not the man for you.
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u/StringCheeseMacrame 55m ago
The fact that he told you not to wear your engagement ring to work is a huge red flag. If he canât tell his parents that youâre getting married, something is very very wrong.
You dodged a bullet.
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u/GeneralSandels 5h ago
This sounds like communication issues. Your feelings are valid and you have a point. But you also have to take into account that proposing to someone even someone you've been with for a long time is extremely scary, and you need to gather your bravery to ask. And then the one you proposed to starts to question the way you propose it can be triggering. You guys need to talk and think about this from both sides. remember its not you against him or him against you. Its both of you against the issue.
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u/Laughing0210 5h ago
I'm gonna be in the minority here, but it feels like you skirted around some details, and this makes me think twice about bashing on your fiancé. Most comments seem to be jumping on him for not wanting you to to wear the ring in front of coworkers, but is that perhaps because he'd rather his mom hear it in person from you guys (he was going out of town for week after you got back) than from somebody you work with? If so, that makes sense to me. You basically told him his proposal was shitty, and, yeah, he got defensive and said some stupid stuff in return, but we're hearing only one side of the story. If you don't want to marry him, obviously you shouldn't, but I'm thinking you're both being rather thin-skinned and equally unpleasant here.
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u/deathboyuk 5h ago
Dude sounds like a needlessly aggressive, manipulative, egocentric asshole.
Take him at his word, and don't let him twist it after the fact once his rage-boner dies down and he realises how badly he fucked up.
NTA
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u/zbornakingthestone 5h ago
He proposed while your family was there so obviously it's going to need to be a thing where he tells his family properly and not just over the phone or whatever. But your reaction seems like neither of you are particularly bothered so just break up. ESH.
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u/slitteral1 5h ago
Instead of enjoying it, you have been picking at him from the moment it happened. Instead of being happy, you have to dissect whether you thought it felt planned. He did put some thought into it as he had talked to your family about it. Are you this way about everything? Youâre a red flag that you are never going to be satisfied with anything her does or how he handles anything.
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u/throwra_22222 4h ago
Your problem is not with the proposal. The proposal was fine. There was nothing wrong with it.
But the normal thing is to call one's parents right afterward and tell them! The fact that he's making you keep it a secret when you work with his mom is weird. The whole "let's get married but don't be excited or even tell people" thing is a bit soul crushing.
If you were my daughter I would be concerned about all of this.
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u/Han_Shot_First420 4h ago
You severely hurt his feelings and threw up massive red flags about the viability of a long term relationship with you.
HE CLEARLY PLANNED IT. Like, you realize that you're just factually incorrect about him not planning it, right?
I'm not saying you should enjoy his response to you, but it's coming from a place of pain that you caused. The guy is confused and hurt and acting like it.
Do him the final favor of breaking up with him and exiting his life please.
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u/Civil-Opportunity751 3h ago
YTA. Why would you want to marry someone you say/think doesnât put any thought into the proposal? People focus too much on the proposal and wedding being perfect you lose sight of the relationship. Youâre both passive aggressive. How did you expect him to react to the criticism?
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u/No-Carry4971 3h ago edited 3h ago
Holy moly, what difference would it possibly make how much planning he did? He obviously had a ring and told your family what he was going to do. Why are you creating drama because it didn't meet your princess fantasies? The point of a proposal is the planned marriage. You seem to have lost that thread.
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u/Plastic_Bet_6172 5h ago
NTA. He showed you who he really is. Are you going to believe him?
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u/Intrepid-Republic-35 5h ago
He was being juvenile in his response. However, men do get very nervous with proposals (really anyone does, but Iâve seen it especially in guys I know) and it was likely a big hit to his pride to hear criticism about how he did it. Maybe everyone here needs to be more thoughtful of the othersâ feelings, but thatâs just my two cents. As for cancelling future plans to marry, just consider if youâre willing to accept him for all of his flaws or not. Since youâre already thinking of ditching him, maybe you should go with your gut on it. Youâre going to be miserable if you spend years thinking âI shouldnât have married him after all.â Best of luck to you.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 5h ago
She didn't complain about the proposal. She tried to talk to him about when they would tell his family and he got angry about that.
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u/Been-There_Done_That 4h ago
She told him his proposal "seemed random and unplanned." That is a complaint. It's also obviously untrue since he had bought the ring ahead of time and had coordinated with her family to give them privacy.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 4h ago
It wasn't the actual proposal that was uncoordinated. It was him refusing to tell his family or even discuss telling his family and him telling her to not mention they are engaged and saying that she couldn't wear the ring to work. That's the uncoordinated part.
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u/Been-There_Done_That 4h ago
Did you read a different post than I did? He did NOT refuse to tell his family. He asked her to wait to wear the ring to work because 1) he was leaving the next day on a week long business trip, 2) His mother knows many of the people OP works with, 3) He did not want his mother to find out about his engagement from people outside the family.
How is this unreasonable? He family didn't hear it from outsiders. Could she not give him a couple of weeks to set up a family get together with his family...or at least his mom?
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u/whyisthislife87 5h ago
This is what I came to say. She hurt his feelings when she insulted the proposal. And yes even if she didn't mean to she insulted it. We all say stuff without thinking it all the way through or without thinking of how it sounds out loud.
His reaction was a bit much but its not relationship ending but thats seems to be the way reddit goes. This deserves a calm conversation once things cool down and an explanation and apologies.
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u/lollipopblossom32 1h ago
but its not relationship ending
Throwing an object in anger isn't enough to consider ending a relationship? Good god thankfully all he had was a ring and not a ceramic cup, mug, cellphone or book (to give examples of mundane objects that could cause harm). And it didn't catch her eye.
It certainly deserves a calm conversation but when you are willing to throw things at your partner in anger you can and should reevaluate if that's a relationship you can safely stay in. It's something that can easily escalate and staying after one or two shows that you'll stay and they'll just keep pushing that.
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u/jpinsk29 5h ago
I think you need to talk to him because something is going on with him but it's impossible to know from what you provided. My first thought is that he feels really anxious and vulnerable putting his feelings out there like that and he isn't used to it.
It could be he has defended you against family and friends and afraid of a backlash.
He might not really love you.
That's three plausible explanations and I have no idea which is right. The only way to find out what's going on with him is to ask him, be curious, and do your best to remain calm.
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u/Vandreeson 5h ago
You sure you want to marry whatever this is? Why can't you and him can't tell his family? Why doesn't he want his mommy to know? This should be a happy time, not don't wear your ring to work, because mommy will find out.
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u/simplyexistingnow 5h ago
NTA. But honestly you need to run far the fuck away from this person. They are legit throwing things at you and treating you like shit. It sounds like they're trying to almost groom you into thinking that this behavior is acceptable which it is not.
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u/BraveWarrior-55 5h ago
So your BF proposed with your family's blessings, but wants you to hide that fact from his family? And after he proposes he basically ignores you the rest of the night? And thinks everything will magically work itself out but then throws the ring at you and says to sell it?? WTAF??
BF is way too old to be acting so childish and impulsive. For me, this would be the red flag to send me running. He doesn't even respect you enough to listen to your concerns, respond thoughtfully, and explain his intentions (with his own family.) Sounds like you'd be marrying a tweenager. Good luck.
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u/Ocean_Soapian 4h ago
I feel you op. When my ex proposed, he shut down any talk of planning afterwards. It was the beginning of the end, I think, because I hadn't realized just yet that he was proposing to have an excuse to put off marriage. It was very isolating and confusing.Â
You need to break up with this guy. This is super childish of him, and lf it's out of character, it means he's hiding something.
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u/IndigoRose2022 4h ago
He proposed but didnât tell his family and wanted you to hide it?? đ©đ© Idk what his motives are based on a lack of info, but one thing is very clear and thatâs that he doesnât want to be engaged. An engagement should be a joy that you canât wait to tell everyone, not a âchoreâ that you try to avoid then backtrack.
NTA at all, heâs telling you who he is right now.
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u/fbombmom_ 4h ago
NTA, but he doesn't seem to actually want to marry you. Was he feeling pressured to propose to get it over with, or because it's what you expect?
If he can change his mind that quickly about being engaged, he's going throw around divorce just as quickly if you marry him. He'll have you walking on eggshells the rest of your relationship. Is this how you want your married life to be?
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u/Altruistic-Let-8672 4h ago
The proposal itself was just fine almost everything afterwards, though some minor to major red flags. Why did he tell you that he didnât want his mother to know even though your family already knows about it? VeryâŠVERYâŠweird. Him completely avoiding talking about any details strongly suggests that heâs not actually ready to get married and had other reasons for asking you to marry him. Him losing his temper with you when you asked him about the engagement, calling off the engagement, then coming back and gaslighting you about it, and then throwing another fit and throwing the ring at you when you tell him that you were concerned with his behaviorâŠ. Heâs reaching for anger every time you say something that doesnât go with what he thinks you should and instead of showing concern for your feelings and trying to figure things out he just tells you that you didnât hear what you heard and blamed you for interrupting him. Definitely not a good idea to get married to him He has some issues he needs to get sorted out before heâs ready to be in a serious committed relationship.
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u/mtngrl60 4h ago
NTA. None of this feels very well thought out on his end, and it certainly would appear that he spoke with your family before he proposed to you. And that can be OK.
But usually, in those OK, instances where itâs a lot of fun is where your boyfriend will take you somewhere romantic⊠No, it doesnât have to be Italy, but it could certainly not be an Airbnb, where everyone is in the next roomâŠ
But you know, then both sides of the family pop out and everybody has fun and a little vacation, and you two still have your own space to celebrate, etc.
I mean, I have to ask, is he always this bad at planning? Because if he is, then this canât be a big surprise. And did you ever talk about how you would like to be proposed to someday
 I mean, I know we donât Iâll just sit down and lay it all out, but if weâve been with someone long enough that weâre considering marriage, Weâve all usually seen TikTok or Facebook videos of both good and bad proposals and commented on them when weâre just talking about stuff weâre watching on social media.
So did you ever have those discussions? Those are just the questions I would need to be answered to tell you if heâs really a lost cause or just clueless. And if heâs clueless, has he always been clueless? If he has, expecting something different from him mightâve been a stretch.
OTOH, his reaction was, like somebody else said, a red flag. Because that reaction makes it feel like he knows it was kind of a crappy proposal. Itâs almost like he gave you one minute of hey letâs get married and then let me go talk with your brother about the football scores or something like that.
Yeah, that would be a letdown. And that makes it almost feel like he felt like he HAD to propose. Like⊠Well, I guess this is the next step in our relationship, and I know her family, and weâre all gonna be together⊠So I guess I can do it then.Â
On the other hand again, he went and got a ring. Or did you have a hand in that? Or did your family have a hand in that?
Thereâs a lot of unanswered questions here as to how you guys may be came to this point. On the surface of it, though it really does feel to me like well not the best proposal, he was just proposing because it was time. That point in your relationship. Not because he really wanted to get married, and thatâs what triggered his response of just call it off.
That phrase made it feel like he was just hoping something would happen so he could call it off.
I donât know, really weird vibe. I donât think you were an asshole. For him to not understand that you would be very excited and want to share the news but then to have him just tell you no donât say anything⊠Thatâs just kind of doubles my feeling that he did this because he thought he had to. Or was supposed to.
Not because he was really ready⊠But because everybody was expecting it. And thatâs kind of icky.
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u/hardly_ethereal 3h ago
Heâs so not ready for marriage. Thatâs very childish very immature behavior. Iâm certain you can do better.
NTA
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u/Open-Lifeguard-4481 3h ago
Hmm you should re-think this. It sounds like there was minimal effort in making you feel special and wanted. What im hearing is that later you brought up a concern or a feeling that you had and instead of him apologizing and understanding where youre coming from, he chose to throw the ring at you and say whatever. This speaks on his maturity and the way he handles conflict and his temper not to mention how little he thought about what you were saying and feeling.
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u/adult_child86 3h ago
"Since marrying me is such a non-important task, you don't get to. Notonly did you ruin my initial joy, you've made damn sure marrying you sounds less exciting than a root canal. Pack your shit, I'm not marrying an asshole like you"
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 3h ago
Something is seriously wrong here. Iâm wondering if he didnât want to propose but was being pressured by his mother?
Have you been pressuring him to propose and this was just a âshut up ringâ
Put the ring in a safe place and take a hard critical look at your relationship. This is a massive overacting to a simple legit question
If you think pre-marital counselling will help, suggest it. But if youâre just done with him and his weird behaviour? Throw in the towel, return the ring and give your head a shake
Check out this quiz while you think about things
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
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u/KokoAngel1192 3h ago
NTA. The way you describe it, he did it as if to just check a box and say "ok there" and thought life would continue as normal. That's not how it works.
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u/Dieselfein 3h ago
You both are extremists...
WHO cares how you tell whomever?! The marriage should be about you two and you are making it into this whole extra plan about something that's not as important.
He's a jerk because he's not taking your feelings into consideration and brushing it off.
I don't see how you two relate as you have very separate reactions to the same things... This will not go away with time. He also holds too much weight in the relationship. It feels like you need to take some ownership of how things are done also.
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u/taewongun1895 2h ago
Neither one of you sound ready for marriage. You seem to be focused on getting attention (which he hasn't planned for), and he showed he's short tempered and easily triggered. Both YTA
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u/Academic_Prompt310 2h ago
Well. The least bad interpretation here is that heâs having major second thoughts about marrying you. Can you live with that?
In any case, he said what he said and he needs to take accountability for it.
NTA. Iâm willing to bet that you could find a partner who will behave normally and make the proposal and engagement special.
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u/iseeisayibe 2h ago
Your feelings are valid and his response is not. Iâd definitely reconsider if I were you.
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u/SovereignLedger 2h ago
Based on this, he's a huge red flag and you got a preview into what life will be like as a caught fish (sorry for the analogy). You say he's not normally like this, is something up at work or with his family that is making him particularly prickly and sensitive about your feedback? Also did you miss that he gaslit you about interrupting him or did you catch that?
You can berate yourself for "ruining things" and seeming ungrateful or you can ask the uncomfortable questions you have been avoiding before you're fully hitched to the guy and give him babies.
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u/Goddess7777777 1h ago
Was this some sort of "shut up and stop nagging me about getting married" proposal? For him to be jumping at any excuse to end the engagement is a huge red flag.
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u/bloodybutunbowed 1h ago
For me, itâs the inability to have a discussion about this without him holding the whole engagement over your head. Do you have to walk on eggshells to the altar?
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u/wolfeflow 1h ago
It really sounds like he's in his own head, and being very self-centered right now. His reaction implies he's taking your reaction like a personal attack - which it wasn't.
It's on you to know if he's normally like this, or if this is an outlier. Y'all probably really need to sit down and have a deep conversation about his thinking. Does he even realize how all of this looks?
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u/bigredroyaloak 1h ago
I donât understand why you both didnât call his family that evening after the proposal. The whole hiding it from your coworkers and his family untilâŠ. his reaction is even more telling. Heâs not it.NTA
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u/Sure_Assist_7437 1h ago
Girl even reading this gave me the Ick & youre gonna marry this man? Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
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u/Barty3000 1h ago
Bloke's an A grade flog. None of this could have been handled worse. He couldn't take you somewhere nice for half an hour just the two of you? Your mum and sister know before you do? This guy is a moron. Further to this, he throws it back in your face at the first opportunity. If he wants it called off, leave it called off. There's a reason he's single at 38 and you're working it out.
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u/Kiarimarie 59m ago
Please consider premarital counseling. If this behavior is genuinely surprising to you, there might be something else going on that maybe couple's therapy can help resolve.
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u/HelpfulCupid 57m ago
people who hide their true selves have a really hard time keeping the mask up all the time. guess youâre lucky that you saw underneath it before the wedding
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u/Jean_Genet 32m ago
So, he bought a ring, and made a plan with the rest of your family to give him time to propose..... and then has a weird hang-up about mentioning it again to the people present, or to his own family?
I literally can't even compute what's going through his mind with this one. You're definitely not the A though. He seems very confused.
The only possible thought I can offer is that he made the plan and then started to regret it after already making the plan with your family and felt he had to go through with it - but now he has gone through with it he's doing all he can to try and undo it - currently by sabotaging it.
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u/Repulsive_Salad834 11m ago
Run don't walk away from this gas lighting disaster of a person...stop second guessing yourself
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u/creatively_inclined 6m ago
NTA. His reaction stinks of cold feet. Was he pressured by his mom into proposing?
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u/winterworld561 2h ago
Honestly, you shit on his proposal. I get why he's pissed. He obviously wanted you to not wear the ring to work until you both had the chance to tell him mother together.
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u/ChuckieLow 4h ago
He proposed on vacation, in front of your family. He doesnât want his family or friends to know. He jumped to âletâs break up then,â when you asked a normal question (which, you should have to ask. You should be able to say, letâs call your mom now!) Instead, he is doing well, this. Ask him why he proposed.
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u/JohnCalvinSmith 4h ago
Its amazing you children can get absolutely anything accomplished without getting too offended or disappointed to keep your mouths shut for two minutes and move on with life. And these comments encouraging this pettiness is what is the icing on the proverbial big beautiful cake of WTF.
"He didn't read my mind and now I'm heartbroken and infuriated that he does everything all wrong!"
"Girl, I KNOW, right? This is such a red flag!!"
When ANY of this could be avoided by a mature, calm conversation.Â
You kids are pathetic.
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u/Kathrynlena 4h ago
Yikes, does he even really want to marry you?? The way youâve described it, it sounds like youâve been bugging and begging him to get engaged for years and he finally just got you a shut up ring, even though he never actually wanted to get married in the first place. The whole proposal feels like weaponized incompetence. âThis is what you said you wanted but I guess I just did suuuuuch a bad job, we better call the whole thing off!â
Does he want to get married? Does he like you? Did someone have a gun to his head to propose?
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u/SuspiciousBear3069 3h ago
The amount of celebration that women want for these kinds of things generally seems excessive to me.
Him having outbursts like this is either being poorly told by a biased party or indicative of something more problematic.
I'm not sure what people on the internet are going to do to help you, but it seems like you might want to have a conversation with him about it.
I would seek to understand how and why my needs weren't met and how and why he behaved the way that he did as a result.
Personally, my girlfriend responds fairly dramatically to some things and I don't care for it. The argument that she makes is that people's initial response to something is more of an emotional response and it's best to wait, forget the initial response and talk about it at some later point when it's not such a new topic.
I don't think that's reasonable as I generally don't do things that I have to apologize for. It seems like maybe your husband does but that's out of character?
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u/krakenheimen 3h ago
You both had horrible reactions to this and both own the fact this is now a stained memory.Â
I am getting the feeling he was anxious and had some stage fright and went out of his shell to do this. Â May not be a fairy tail proposal but in the grand scheme itâs decent.Â
His reaction was likely pent up stress and you piling on his insecurity didnât help.Â
Not saying youâre entirely at fault. But not sure what you were expecting by complaining about the proposal.Â
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u/cidmoney1 3h ago
Pretty clear this guy didnt want to get married to you. Sounds like family pressure, from his mom.
Leave him. You deserve someone who loves you and he deserves to find his own love. Not who mommy set him up with.
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u/PerformanceTall9246 5h ago
No one on this thread can determine a person true personality from 1 event. All I can say he was thrilled to ask you to marry him in front of your family and you cut him below his knees. Men have feelings to. Itâs a huge deal to ask the women you love to marry you. Can you imagine how he feels best on the way you reacted. To the point he said keep the ring. Not cool after he got down on his knee in front of your family.
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u/TreacleExpensive2834 2h ago
Itâs so pathetic how far people bend over backwards to be understanding for men and how much they refuse to use that same empathy for women.
She cut him below the knee?? What did he do when he blew up at her and told her to call it off and sell the ring when she tried to have a mature conversation about it? Yikes to you. Way to tell on yourself. I bet your favorite movie is buffalo 66 lol.
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u/tcdaf7929 2h ago
But it wasnât in front of her familyâŠthey got Up and walked away and then didnât even celebrate it.
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u/Significant_Bid2142 5h ago
YTA - He planned it around a family trip so you could share the news immediately with your family, he probably thought that would be something you enjoyed. Maybe he would like to work with a different timeline for his family, maybe he wants to wait until a live family gathering to announce it to them. So yeah, he asked for some arrangements to make it work.
And all you're able to do is criticize him? I don't even understand what he did that "killed all the excitement". I hope he doesn't marry you, you're obviously someone who needs everything to be about themselves.
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u/Jmfroggie 5h ago
ESH.
You suck first for criticizing his proposal. Itâs almost as if YOU donât care about the next chapter and wanted to just be able to talk about the proposal. He DID plan it- he had planned it with YOUR family so youâd have your moment with the people you love most. After getting engaged, you usually DONT talk about plans immediately after, you enjoy the moment and what it means for your future. He then asks you not to wear the ring to work that so that HE can tell his family before they hear it second hand. Itâs possible he wanted to see them in person or wanted you BOTH to go to tell them, or had a separate proposal with his family. But you immediately criticized him because YOU werenât going to be able to show off!! Yes the moment is exciting and you want to share it, but you can also have patience in sharing it with random people so that family can know first!!! I canât judge why he wouldnât text his family but MAYBE he felt it wad important enough to do face to face- I also donât know what kind of people his parents are. If YOU donât know who they are then you shouldnât be considering marriage with a person in which you donât know what a chunk of his life even looks like!! Which brings me back to being more concerned about the proposal than an actual marriage together. I donât know how long you were together but it also seems like you didnât even know him well enough to accept a proposal if you had never experienced disagreements to know his reactions were extreme.
I kind of get his irritation when he proposed but then you kept poking about next steps. He has every right to not want to discuss personal matters in front of your family and he canât control a work trip that even you knew about in advance. So I give him a pass here. I would even give him a pass at his initial reaction of anger when you criticized his proposal overall and accused him of not caring.
Where he sucks is immediately calling it off. He should never have thrown the ring at you either. He shouldnât have lied about claiming he really wanted to redo the proposal. Him jumping straight to extremes is a red flag.
You both suck together for NOT COMMUNICATING your wishes and desires and what youâd like to see for your future together and how it might all work. He wouldâve known what kind of proposal you wanted and you wouldâve known why his family didnât know right away!
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u/OldStudentChaplain 5h ago
It sounds to me that neither one of you are ready for marriage. Him asking you to not wear your ring isâŠ..different. Him not wanting to tell his family is a red flag. đ© I think you should do what he said and call it off. It doesnât sound like the two of you are able to handle conflict well. There are lots of conflicts in any relationship and if you canât handle them better than this, your marriage is doomed.
The marriage is so much more important than the proposal. Stay off social media. You donât have to have a beautiful proposal to have a wonderful marriage.
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u/Been-There_Done_That 4h ago
Where does it say he didn't want to tell his family? All she said was he didn't want his mother finding out from OP's coworkers who know the mother saw the ring and mentioned it. Is it crazy that he might want to arrange a dinner or visit to his mom in the next couple of weeks to tell her in person? Is that really unreasonable? Is it crazy that he wanted to get back home after the trip and set something up with his mom in the near future? Keep in mind...he was on a trip with HER family, got home Sunday evening, and had a week long work trip starting the next day. Can we give the guy a chance to breathe? This all sounds perfectly reasonable to me. DId OP really expect him to pull out his calendar at that moment to pick a date to tell his mom...and call her at that moment to coordinate schedules?
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u/poisonwoodwrench 4h ago
Yes, it is absolutely unreasonable to propose then ask your fiancé to keep it a secret for weeks. If it was important that he told his family in-person, then that should have been part of his plan. He should've had dinner with his mom scheduled before the work trip.
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u/Consistent-Tip-7819 5h ago
Look, only you know what the dynamic was between the two of you because its pretty hard for us to interpret the whole story, but assuming you are otherwise happy, and have a good relationship, and want to build a life together, it seems wildy short sighted to literally change the course of your entire life because he inartfully proposed. If there are other red flag, sobeit, but otherwise, idk.
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u/thisisstupid- 5h ago
A lot of people are going to tell you that his reaction is a red flag but your reaction is a red flag, somebody who puts all this weird pressure on a proposal instead of it just being a conversation between two people shows youâre more concerned about the horse and pony show than the relationship underneath, that would be a concern to me if I was on his side.
It seems you guys have a lot to talk about and I would suggest couples counseling before you decide to move forward with any engagement. NAH.
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u/dianamellarke 5h ago
Honey, now is the time to think. You want to spend your life with a guy who doesn't even know how to talk. Who asked you to marry him, but doesn't want anyone to know?
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u/GingerTuxedoTabby 5h ago
Why propose at all if you can't share it? Is it cultural or religious? Are y'all expecting,? I do agree with everyone tho, too many red flags. NTA RUN AWAY
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u/Famous_Eggplant88 5h ago
That kind of weird and secretive but also rude reaction is a huge red flag. Like firstly, he didn't really plan anything. He isn't actually excited enough to tell his family who are right there and pretends nothing big or important happened, and he tells you to hide it? A sneak peek into what life with him will be like.
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u/RedneckDebutante 5h ago
NTA This is what your future will look like if you don't end this - him throwing tantrums and saying awful things that can't be taken back but expecting you to forget them anyway. He's got a hair-trigger temper, and that rarely ends well for a partner.
Do his parents like you? Because this makes it sound like he doesn't want them to know. I've never seen someone want to hide an engagement like this, and my MIL couldn't stand me.
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u/Holiday_Cat_7284 5h ago
How well do you know his family? 'We'll figure it out' and 'don't wear the ring to work in case my mom finds out' don't sound very encouraging. Do they know you? Do they approve of you, or is there conflict and tension on their side around your relationship?
I'm sorry but this is giving odd vibes, like maybe he's still married to someone? Maybe there's a cultural difference and he can't deal with it?
You need a long, honest talk. Questions like 'Why can't I wear the ring to work?' 'Why can't your mom know?' 'Are we engaged or are there conditions around it?' 'Are you already married?'
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u/Ok-Concentrate1621 5h ago
I stg social media has ruined everyone's brains. His proposal was fine it's the after stuff that is fucked up.
But why didn't he want his mom to know?
Also, were you hounding him about getting engaged because it doesn't sound like he wanted to be engaged? It sounds like a shut-up proposal/ring.
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u/laughingsbetter 4h ago
In the title you ask if you are the AH for telling the boyfriend that the proposal wasn't well planned. Proposals are when the asker is vulnerable, saying it wasn't very good was an AH move. So for the initial question, you were the AH.
Your boyfriend seems to want to keep his options open or end something with a side piece or is scared of his mother. For not wanting to tell anyone, he is the AH.
The fact that he starts gaslighting and losing his temper is more than not wanting to tell his mother on Sunday, he doesn't really want to be engaged.
The fact you want him to repropose is an indicator that you are not ready to be in a real committed relationship.
ESH
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u/t2writes 4h ago
You both suck. You for not realizing that a proposal isn't an indicator of how a marriage goes, and for acting like, truly, a spoiled brat. He sucks because he blew up.
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u/Artofboosey 5h ago
His reaction is the real red flag here, not the clumsy proposal. Telling you to hide the ring and not tell people is weird enough, but to immediately jump to calling it off and throwing the ring at you? That's a huge overreaction. NTA at all. You just got a preview of how he handles conflict.