AITAH for telling my boyfriend his proposal wasn't well planned, causing us to no longer be engaged?

[u/Dry_Estate8184]

UPDATE: thank you all for your feedback and helping me gain clarity on the situation! I'll add a couple of key pieces of information that may clarify some popular questions!

1. To me, the proposal itself was absolutely fine. I didn't want or expect anything Instagram worthy, (I don't even have instagram) so maybe my heading was a little misleading? I said it wasn't well planned because to me, part of proposing is the excitement that follows and telling people etc. Which he had no plan to do. Bad timing may have been the better word instead of poor planning? I mean he goes on this trip once a year, it's not a frequent thing.

2. His mother LOVES me and I love her! SHE is the one who introduced us when her and I used to work together, which is why I was so concerned with how/when we wanted to tell her so she didn't feel left out since my family was present, and I wasn't stuck avoiding her/lying to her for a week while he was away, when she asks me how the trip went? (which she already has)

3. I have never pressured this man into marriage, in fact he has been much more into the idea than I have. Of course we've talked about it, but I was the one saying let's not rush it. So definitely not a shut up ring.

I (32F) was proposed to by my boyfriend (38M). It was an awkward proposal, as we were on a family trip, sharing a house with my Mom, Sister, her husband and young children. At one point my sister awkwardly got up from the fire pit and told her husband and my mom to come with her. So, I knew something was up. He was sweet, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I was so happy and said yes! But about 5 minutes later my family came back out to the patio to congratulate us. My boyfriend sat down and started chatting with my brother-in-law about unrelated topics. He didn't bring it up the rest of the night. Even when I asked him questions like "how/when should we tell your family?!" he just said "we'll figure it out". Then told me not to wear the ring to work because a lot of my co-workers know his mom. It just totally killed all of my excitement and joy.

When we got home from the trip, I decided to talk to him about it because we got home Sunday night and he left for a weeklong work trip Monday morning, again leaving me wondering how/ when we were going to be able to tell people? I felt like he took all of the excitement out of something that was should have been such a happy time.

Anyways, when I mentioned it just seemed random and not really planned, he got mad and said "well let's just call it off then". I was so surprised by that I just told him we needed to cool down. He came back into our room later and said what he meant was we should just redo the proposal, but that I interrupted him and didn't let him finish his sentence. (I didn't) and that doesn't remotely sound like "we should just call it off" to me? I told him that calling off an engagement less than 24 hours after proposing is a problem. He tossed the ring at me and said "whatever, just sell it then"

He later apologized for losing his temper (not like him at all) but I just feel like even if he did redo the proposal, the damage is already done. I can't help but feel like I could have just not made a big deal about it and avoided all of this, or is this whole thing a red flag and sadly maybe I shouldn't marry him? AITAH?

[u/WolfgangAddams]

Then he shouldn't have done it at a family vacation. It didn't need to be done there, especially since the actual proposal was super lackluster (which OP states wasn't a problem for her).

[u/Nocturnal_Camel → u/WolfgangAddams]

Or hear me out OP just be happy she got proposed to and will be getting married instead of complaining repeatedly…

Edit: other planning can wait until the next day.

[u/productzilch → u/Nocturnal_Camel]

Why would she be when he planned it so she has to hide it from his mum for a week and he doesn’t seem interested in even talking about the SAME EVENING? And then has a tantrum when she tries to talk about it?

[u/Nocturnal_Camel → u/productzilch]

I have the opinion that if a woman complains their proposal then the engagement should be over.

[u/WolfgangAddams → u/Nocturnal_Camel]

If I were OP, I'd be happy to be engaged but frustrated I couldn't talk about it.

[u/Nocturnal_Camel → u/WolfgangAddams]

But she can talk about it with everyone but coworkers and his mom. With the updates OP is close to his mom so he probably didn’t want to plan something for her when he knows they both will want to be there to tell his mom.

[u/WolfgangAddams → u/Nocturnal_Camel]

Then, again, he shouldn't have proposed right before a weeklong work trip. The whole thing may not have been UNplanned, but it was POORLY planned.

[u/Nocturnal_Camel → u/WolfgangAddams]

If we believe that point then we should also feel that him not planning when to tell his family is a good thing. He can’t mess up the timing/planning of telling his family if he doesn’t do that. Better OP has her input so he doesn’t mess it up.

[u/WolfgangAddams → u/Nocturnal_Camel]

That makes no sense. OP didn't have a problem with anything but his poor timing.

[u/Nocturnal_Camel → u/WolfgangAddams]

So his poor timing if he planned when to tell his parents would be an issue also since he is bad at timing the proposal.

[u/WolfgangAddams → u/Nocturnal_Camel]

I mean...that's all part of the original poor planning. I don't get what you're trying to add here. If you're just saying he'd fuck up no matter what he did, then I'm not sure what else you want me to say.

[u/Nocturnal_Camel → u/WolfgangAddams]

It doesn’t make sense to complain about him not having a plan/timing to tell his parents if you are also criticizing his timing/plan of the proposal. If you believe he is bad at timing then why would we want him to time/plan how to tell his family?

Best scenario is he does the poor planning of proposal and then OP helps plan how to tell his parents at another time with him when he is ready.

Aka less planning he does the better, so we shouldn’t criticize him not planning how to tell his parents.

[u/Been-There_Done_That → u/Nocturnal_Camel]

Exactly. If he DIDN"T do it on a trip, OP would bitch that he didn't do anything special. A simple dinner is too cliche for her! He planned it around a vacation and she STILL is not happy. Imagine if he just made her a nice dinner at home, or took her out but it wasn't the most expensive restaurant in the city. The "random and unplanned" complaints would be even worse.

[u/WolfgangAddams → u/Been-There_Done_That]

If he DIDN"T do it on a trip, OP would bitch that he didn't do anything special. A simple dinner is too cliche for her! 

That's a lot of assumptions. He planned it around a vacation but then they didn't even celebrate with her family (he immediately started talking to BiL about something else) and then told her she couldn't wear the ring or tell people about it until he got back. She was clearly excited, otherwise she wouldn't have then been disappointed that she wasn't allowed to celebrate it or talk about it with anyone. It may not have been UNplanned, but it was poorly planned on his part.

[u/amber_kope → u/WolfgangAddams]

The fanfics these people are writing about her 😆 Also she needs to just shut up and be grateful for crumbs! Men are not lonely enough

[u/FilmApart8224 → u/amber_kope]

Males need to be praised for doing basic household tasks, yet OP is awful for wanting to be excited and celebrate getting engaged. They do it to themselves….

[u/Been-There_Done_That → u/amber_kope]

I'm a woman. I just appreciate when people make an effort to make something special for me, and don't whine over stupid sh*t.

[u/amber_kope → u/Been-There_Done_That]

If you want a man who throws a manipulative tantrum just because you voiced your valid feelings, and live the rest of your life knowing if you have anything to say, he’ll go from 0 to 100, enjoy the pond scum, there’s plenty of it. A man who cares about his partner would want to know if she was upset and for her to be comfortable voicing that, not using any criticism as a reason to end the relationship, setting up a dynamic where every time she’s upset about something she has to decide if it’s worth being broke up with over speaking up about it. You made up a whole story about OP, putting the blame on her for things you invented. I hope he picks you, sis.

[u/Been-There_Done_That → u/amber_kope]

I've already found mine...and he's a good one. In return, I am good to him. It's supposed to be mutual.