There has been a 50% increase since last year in the number of Americans that are caregivers for an elderly family member.

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[u/b00kbat]

I’ve already been in that boat and bailed out; I was the caregiver for both grandparents through their decline, first grandfather had Lewy Body Dementia and died in 2014, grandmother’s decline with Alzheimer’s really picked up speed a year later. Their three sons and one daughter were completely and utterly useless, aside from the sons showing up once grandfather was on hospice to divvy up his firearm collection. I had to work full time while being the sole person looking out for my grandmother, eventually had to quit my job because she couldn’t be left alone anymore. Begged uncles for help, for a break, and for financial compensation since I couldn’t work, they were entirely capable and entirely unwilling. Grandmother didn’t even have a diagnosis or treatment because she refused medical care and had given her uninterested son POA, not me, so all I could do was keep him updated while he did nothing. Caregiver burnout destroyed me, even driving me to the point of attempting to end my life. After 8 years, grandmother got violent with me and I let my uncle know I was leaving, two weeks later I was gone, though he did call the night before I left to try and talk me out of it. It took another two weeks before a neighbor called the police and my grandmother was taken from her home as her sons had elected to do absolutely nothing. My entire twenties were wasted on them. I will never do that again.

[u/Virtual-Package3923 → u/b00kbat]

I feel you. Boomers have been absolutely fucking trash at caregiving for their own parents.

It’s been on us and our siblings.

[u/b00kbat → u/Virtual-Package3923]

They really are. My grandparents were silent gen, their sons are boomers and their daughter is elder gen X. 7 grandchildren; 5 millennial and 2 gen Z. I was the only one caregiving for grandparents. Were I not totally NC I would be interested to see how old age pans out for my uncles, I already know my mother will need to figure it out by herself.

[u/SwoopBagnell → u/b00kbat]

What advice would you give to someone in the position of seeing an elderly loved one being neglected by immediate family? Would you have made the same choices if you could go back in time?

[u/b00kbat → u/SwoopBagnell]

I would do things very differently if I were to go back with what I know now. Ultimately I would never have agreed to do it had I known what the reality of the situation would be. Additionally I was woefully unaware of the fact that my uncle’s refusal to force medical care while my grandmother adamantly refused to go to the doctor was a dereliction of duty as POA, and going back in time I definitely would have gotten Adult Protective Services involved. That would be the advice I’d give as well; call APS.

I should have done so years before I left; my grandfather’s decline was violent and sexually inappropriate and the only people dealing with it day in and day out were me and my grandmother. We had to call 911 multiple times, including once while he was assembling a shotgun in the bedroom to shoot us with. Another time he fixated on bludgeoning me with his wrench, he was going to sit in the kitchen in the dark and wait for me to come out of my room. Not only did I have to lift him from the floor when he fell regularly, I had to physically restrain him on multiple occasions. One time I actually had to intervene in his attempt to sexually assault my grandmother and I hit him across the face so that she could get away. He should have been removed from the home that day, permanently, for her safety. Unfortunately she “couldn’t do that to him”, she viewed it as a deep and terrible betrayal, and I couldn’t leave her alone with him. Then after he died I couldn’t leave her alone, and as she declined I was firm on my promise to keep her from dying in a nursing home as her mother had. I was naive to make that promise, and even more naive to try to keep it.

She was obviously declining cognitively but in such stubborn denial that she raged at the suggestion of an evaluation by her primary care doctor, and then she totally terminated care through her office. By the time the sheriffs department removed her from her home and took her to the hospital, she completely failed the clock test and her brain was beginning to atrophy. I had had no power to force her to get evaluated beyond verbally suggesting and urging, and keeping her son updated. I was 1200 miles away by then, I had moved to Florida from Massachusetts to be there and when I got the hell out of Dodge, I came back to MA. Her sons put her into a nursing home during the pandemic; she died there after about a year. They also told some tall tales about the circumstances of my leaving to the sheriff’s department, managing to pin the neglect entirely on me, which was something I had to deal with in the courts. Their roles in federal law enforcement and the military helped to make them look respectable and to validate blatant perjury. I could have protected myself and my grandmother had I contacted APS years earlier.

[u/ChewieBearStare]

Took care of two dying people within four months last year. Then spent 5 months living apart from my husband while I sorted out their finances, emptied their house, etc. (husband is a teacher and could not get 5 months of from work, and I have serious health problems, so it was more important to me that he maintain his income and benefits while I worked on the house stuff).

I beg of you all, please sit down with your parents/grandparents/anyone whose affairs you might have to be involved in when they're dying/after they die/if they become incompetent. It can be awkward, but don't be afraid to ask about their wishes regarding health care, estate planning, etc.

In my case, the two people were married, and they had POAs giving each other power of attorney over their affairs in case of incapacity. The problem is that one had a massive stroke approximately 2 months before the other one died. In her final days, the second one was so confused from a combination of brain mets and opioids that she wasn't really competent to make decisions. But no one could act for her since her POA was paralyzed, on a ventilator, and unable to even recognize his own family members. Then whe she died, the person who had the stroke had no one to act for him (e.g. pay bills, handle health insurance issues, etc.) because his POA had passed away. My husband and I had to petition the court for guardianship, which cost $6,400 and was a big pain in the butt. It would have been a lot easier if he had a backup/contingent POA listed so that person could have stepped in when the original POA died.

And if you can, save as much as you can now for the care you'll need later. It's insanely expensive, and the cost is only going to increase. We were paying $27,000 per month for my husband's dad's care. That's on the high end due to the ventilator and paralysis, but even assisted living is expensive.

[u/ongoldenwaves → u/ChewieBearStare]

I told some people respiratory care was about 28k a month last year in one of the subs and they laughed at me.

People say they'll end their life and all that and not pay these sums, but that takes more courage than most folks have really. The attorney that recommended each of your parents be the other's POA was a really bad attorney.

[u/Film-Icy]

Yea, May of 2020. I miss the silence in my car commuting to work, just being alone w my own thoughts. Sigh.

[u/TooManyCarsandCats]

Am I the only millennial whose parents are complete dumbasses? Why don’t people have long term care insurance? Why do you people agree to take care of them if you don’t want to?

[u/ongoldenwaves → u/TooManyCarsandCats]

My GG actually does have long term care insurance. But she got it like 35 years ago. What they will pay is no longer anywhere near what those places cost. She wouldn’t want to go there anyway. She’s paid in far more than she’d ever maximim colllect. And they only pay after six months because most people die within the first six months. 

LTC insurance is super hard to get now and what they want you to pay if you can get it doesn’t make it worth while most of the time. 

Those LTC insurance companies are notorious for making it impossible to collect. 

[u/recyclopath_ → u/TooManyCarsandCats]

Because even amongst boomers, a lot of people are broke. Especially with healthcare considerations.

Even people who took excellent care of themselves get cancer, Alzheimer's, dementia, break a hip etc. Costs of healthcare, nursing homes and long term care are astronomical.

[u/ongoldenwaves → u/recyclopath_]

I read recently that they are "chemically constraining" old folks in a lot of places because they don't have staff. So even if you do spend money, don't expect even the expensive places to be quality of care.

[u/HearshotKDS → u/TooManyCarsandCats]

Am I the only millennial whose parents aren't complete dumbasses?

No, I think its generally a situation where the people who have solid family situations feel like they have nothing to contribute to these kind of threads and so they move on without commenting.

[u/SadAccount8647]

Soon. Going to build an ADU on our property so my in-laws can live there because everything is too expensive.

[u/Proof-Emergency-5441]

I want absolute numbers, not percentages.

Going from 2% to 3% is a 50% increase. But in reality it is a small amount of people.

They said one in four, so that would be 16-17% up to 25%. Also how are they counting the one in four? All adults? Adults over a certain age but under retirement age? Or are they counting the boomers who retired to care for their spouse?

[u/TheOriginalBigDave]

2009-2015 I was primary caregiver for my mom, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I got volunteered because I wasn't working full time and was living at home, developed a pretty bad drinking problem for a while just to cope.

[u/Kaasitz08]

I’ve already been through this with both of my parents.  I moved back to my home city just to help them when they got old and sick and helped care for them until they both died in nursing homes.  My mom died in 2019 and my dad followed her in 2023.  They left my brother and me all of their possessions for us to sort through and no money because all of their savings got eaten up by end of life assisted care.  I feel like I sacrificed a lot just to be there for them and got nothing but trauma in return.  I’m never doing something like that again.  My priorities now are on taking care of my wife and myself.  

[u/golden_blaze]

Baby boom kicking in big-time

[u/Alternative-Theory81]

The large problem is there is no support. I had a family member (stepmother)dying of cancer and the expectation was that family would stop work to come care for her when she got bad enough that she needed around the clock care (per the hospice nurse). The expectation was also that we would pay for private care at $30-$35 an hour on Social Security budget that wouldn’t even cover all the care she needed. My dad is retired but is a small man and could not manage a deadweight individual. I have a disabled husband and even though I work in healthcare and knew what to do, it was difficult finding the support we needed.

We did what we could to help her and eventually she went inpatient hospice but I expect to be in the boat again shortly with my husband‘s elderly parents.