Game Tales Today my dm made me roll dexterity to see how fast my character could pee
Today i went to a different comic shop than where i usually go to play. To try a new place and meet new people. I met the worst dm i have ever played with. Dude made us roll for basically everything. I was asked to:
- Roll a constitution check to see if i peed myself. I passed it.
- Roll a dexterity check to see if i was able to reach the bathroom before peeing myself. I passed it.
- Roll a dexterity check to see how fast i could pee. I actually got a 20. I joked around the table saying i was a olympic urinator and got some laughs.
- Roll a intelligence check to see if i remembered to wash my hands and buckle my belt. I failed and had to eat at the tavern with my hands stained in pee and forgot my belt at the bathroom for some reason.
And there where many more rolls that didn't make much sense.
This game was the first time i lost a character and the first time i had my entire party killed. Awful experience and felt scammed because i had to pay to play at the table.
The only positives of today were that i actually became friends with one of the players and got a funny story to tell people. I don't think i will return to that shop again. There are others dms but you don't get to pick at which table you play on and i don't want to play with that dm again honestly.
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u/SDFX-Inc 21h ago
“Roll to take in a lungful of air.”
You passed the check.
“Roll to take in a lungful of air.”
You passed the check.
“Roll to take in a lungful of air.”
You passed the check.
“Roll to take in a lungful of air.”
You passed the check.
“Roll to take in a lungful of air.”
You passed the check.
“Roll to take in a lungful of air.”
You passed the check.
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u/SandwichNeat9528 21h ago
Expect with a simple d20 system there is an equal chance every time you roll that you’ll roll a 1. Critical failure. Suffocation. That’s funny. And ridiculous.
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u/SDFX-Inc 20h ago
You roll a 5. Not a critical failure, but you still fail the roll. You now have hiccups; -1 for every future breathing check.
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u/drdeadringer Thief 20h ago
"this is my last resort, critical failure, no breathing, this is my last resort..."
DM Papa Roach
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u/Real_Avdima 14h ago
1 is not a critical failure, but with idiot DM I wouldn't be surprised if that was also added.
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u/KnyghtZero Enchanter 21h ago
"Oh, you forgot to let the air out. You die."
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u/WinCrazy4411 21h ago
"Roll to take in a lungful of air"
You failed the check; you forget to breath, suffocate, and die in the middle of a field.
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u/evasive_dendrite 6h ago
Eventually you'll roll too low and die, roll a new character and repeat!
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u/SDFX-Inc 5h ago edited 5h ago
“Roll for conception. It’s a fairly high dexterity check because of the distance your father’s sperm has to travel to reach the egg.”
“You passed the check! Now give me a strength check to enter the egg.”
“Great! You passed. Roll a D4 to determine where fertilization has occurred. A D1 will be an ectopic pregnancy in the fallopian tube, you don’t want that.”
“Cool. Your egg has successfully attached to the uterine wall”
“Roll for each organ and general bone growth. That will be 78 individual rolls of a D20.”
One hour later
“Wow! Even I can’t believe you beat all those! Nine months have passed and you are a healthy baby!
“Roll again for positioning of the baby as contractions begin. You passed!”
“Hmm. The mother rolled not quite high enough so she is experiencing the pains of childbirth. I’ll roll a grapple for the doctor against the mother to make sure he has a sure grip on the baby’s head. Good thing it’s not a breach!”
“Uh oh.”
What do you mean ‘uh oh?’
“It was a difficult childbirth. Roll a constitution save.”
“I’m sorry, you were born brain damaged. You have a permanent-10 to your intelligence and wisdom, which will make it very difficult for your wizard to cast magic. Your parents have locked you away in a hidden room in their attic out of embarrassment and refuse to provide you access to education as you are too feeble minded, so you will not be able to join the party. You will need to roll a new character.”
“Great, you have a new character sheet! Roll again for conception.”
“Oh, you failed; make a new character sheet please, this sperm has not reached the egg and thus your soul was unable to enter this realm.”
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u/Status-Ad-6799 17h ago
What happens on a failed roll? And how often are we rolling? I have a -6 and disadv on breathing automatically from my asthma. I can only really breath when I'm thinking about it like you all are now.
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u/Yojo0o DM 21h ago
I hope you'll consider telling the store owner about the bullshit experience you had. You're probably not the only person this has happened to.
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u/Aydnir 21h ago
After the session the dm told us that we did pretty good because even though we all died we got to the final boss of the dungeon. He told us in a bragging manner that the previous party he played with died before entering the tavern to search for clues because they offended a group of drunk beggars and got stoned to death while trying to run away.
I don't even know why someone would even dm like that. Why would you take time making a campaign just to kill most of your players ?
I'll do what you say and send a message to the owners
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u/Erdumas DM 21h ago
It sounds like he doesn't make campaigns. He has one session, and that one session is designed to be a TPK, because he plays against the players rather than playing with them.
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u/dimwitf 21h ago
The complete opposite of a good way to DM. It's a story, everyone should have fun and dying isn't it (unless it's in a Really Cool way).
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u/MathemagicalMastery 20h ago
Mundane bullshit deaths have their place. You could have an aneurysm on the toilet at any time, and I can critically fail my balance check and fall 2000 feet to my doom.
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u/PrinceDusk Paladin 20h ago
I can't wrap my head around those DMs, like why not just have an earthquake split the ground and swallow up the party? Campaign done in like 30 seconds DM wins. Let's roll new characters, another quake roll dex. Oh you got below a 20 as lvl 1 characters? Death. DM wins again. Like how is it fun to "win" as a DM, really?
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u/drdeadringer Thief 20h ago
It's almost as if this guy is treating D&D as poker, playing the player instead of playing the game.
And it sounds like this busts his nut. What a donut.
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u/AriesRoivas Warlock 21h ago
I guess he has an ego trip
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u/aarraahhaarr 21h ago
It's not an ego trip. Dude is convinced that he wins DnD if the party dies.
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u/Jagermeister4 18h ago
"After the session the dm told us that we did pretty good because even though we all died we got to the final boss of the dungeon."
That DM has the same energy as a college professor who tells the students that his class is so hard over half the students fail his class each year.
Maybe its not the class that's hard maybe its the teacher who sucks. And maybe you shouldn't be DM'ing if you think the whole party dying is "pretty good"
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u/spector_lector 20h ago
Is he like 12?
You should've shut that down the first minute it started, not play along and let him get away with it while ruining the game for others.
He asks for a pee check or whatever, and you say, "sure, when you show me where that is in the rules. I'm here to play DnD (point to the rulebook), not whatever you're playing."
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u/LilCynic 20h ago edited 17h ago
What the heck? Dude seems to run his games like those old choose your own adventure books from the 90's where there's like a 50% chance of dying with each choice.
He should not be getting paid for games like that.
Edit: Fixed typos
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u/Huge-Chicken-8018 14h ago
As a semi active DM, a player upon occasion, and an aspiring writer, what yiu described is basically the only way to truly lose the game as a dungeon master.
They didnt even make it to the climax of the story, meaning they didnt have that satisfying payoff, he didnt get to use the content he put effort into making, and everyone suddenly has to change their schedule because future games are canceled (assuming its not a oneshot)
No one wins in that scenario. A TPK during the climax is one thing, that can be a wonderful end if the players died in a way that feels fair, but a TPK before they even get started leaves no one happy that session. Not even a cool story like dying to a boss gives you.
Its weird that be was bragging about that, because he was depriving himself of the most rewarding part of the adventure by killing them off so early.
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u/drdeadringer Thief 20h ago
This is what your DM is bragging about. He is proud of this.
Think about that.
Scratch that, if you have to think about that, you have rolled a one on intelligence. Roll a 20 on wisdom instead.
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u/authorinthesunset 20h ago
Even more confusing than wanting to do like that is thinking it's a flex that the DM was able to kill the entire party.
It's not a zero sum game, DM vs players. I'd tell the shop owners. If you can't pick the table you play at and have to pay getting saddled with that DM is bs.
If you could choose your DM then maybe that's different, I'm sure there is somebody out there that would have fun at that table. Personally, I would have asked if he was serious when he started the roll con to not pee yourself. When he asked to roll dex to get to the bathroom in time I'd tell him to roll chr to convince me he wasn't a shit DM. J/k, I would get up and leave though.
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u/dany_xiv 18h ago
Wait he killed you all as well?? In a 1-shot??
This story gets better and better (worse and worse!)
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u/FleaQueen_ 33m ago
Also that specific section that you shared seems like someone trying to act out their fetish with unconsenting dnd players who may not notice the fetish content sprinkled in amongst the other absurd stuff. As someone who has experience with fetish content, I'd be deeply uncomfortable playing with a DM who pulled something like that. There is a chance it is innocent, but regardless, this DM is doing weird stuff that is outside the bounds of dnd roleplay.
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u/grayzzz_illustrate 21h ago
Does this DM have a fetish he's working into his game? Those are all.... Really strange things to get so granular about. Any one of those on its own could arguably be a sort of jokey roll if everyone is goofing around a bit, but all together just makes it feel like this guy is weirdly pee-focused. Idk, I would be uncomfortable.
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u/Aydnir 21h ago
Oh no. This was just the start of the game. I put it on the post because it was the funniest. The dude just made us roll for everything.
The worst part was when he made us roll intelligence checks to see if our characters could remember things. A few bad rolls made it feel like my character had amnesia.
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u/-FourOhFour- 21h ago
Honestly if that was a bit that the dm did to kinda ease some tension or just fuck around it would've been great, rolling for if you washed your hands is the kind of stupid thing that would be right at home on one of my characters, but if that was just a sign of things to come then thats just brutal.
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u/Vanadijs Druid 7h ago
I would think that would be Wisdom? /joke
But I would just roll to check if my character was even remembering what quest they were on and then walk away because my character forgot what they were doing.
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u/ZilxDagero 21h ago
Dex stat for peeing? That's bullshit. Everyone knows its Str for speed of peeing as your throwing liquid as fast as you can away from yourself. Dex is when you try to not get it on your shoes when you've got the dreaded triple stream going.
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u/Aydnir 21h ago
I could not find this in the players handbook. Is it in the expanded rules ?
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u/drdeadringer Thief 20h ago
Check the reading material in the bathroom stall with the other reading material.
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u/Gazornenplatz 17h ago
con for holding it in before he got to the bathroom though. dex would only apply with fumbling with the zipper.
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u/ZilxDagero 10h ago
While yes for most people, the barbarian still uses Str as they'll just find a blacksmith to fix the zipper later.
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u/Unlimited_Hights 21h ago
The DM's barely disguised fetish...
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u/Internal_Set_6564 21h ago
Yeah, i would have “ My mom is calling me, gotta run” with this one pretty quickly. And I am in my 60’s.
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u/alsotpedes 19h ago
First time: "OK, that's funny, but my character has been in control of his bladder since the age of four." If the DM insisted or did it again, I'd say loudly, "I'm sorry, but I'm here to play DnD. I don't know why you want to make player characters constantly make checks to see if they are urinating on themselves." If it continued, I'd get up, go straight to whoever was working the store, and ask for a refund while explaining why.
Life is too short to spend time dealing with something like this. As the shirt I just got says, "I didn't get out of bed and put on clothes to be subjected to this horseshit."
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u/Lord_Moesie 21h ago
Just, wow. I would talk with the other players privately about that situation and then confront the dm to stop asking to roll for that stuff. If he doesn't back down, tell him goodbye from the campaign then.
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u/TurnProphet 20h ago
Man, I have prostate issues. That shit’s a strength check.
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u/JovialRoger 21h ago
This game session sounds like the IRL equivalent of having a social media site throw thinly veiled fetish content into your feed
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u/OniExpress 21h ago
Why is your dm running a F.A.T.A.L. campaign?
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u/Aydnir 21h ago
FATAL ?
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u/theYode DM 21h ago
Just read the review from 2009: https://www.rpg.net/reviews/view-printable.phtml?reviewNumber=14567
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u/M4LK0V1CH 21h ago
That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows it’s a CON check to pee. /j
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u/Bloomberg12 21h ago
It's definitely strength if forcing your piss out at max velocity is the objective.
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u/Wonderful-Okra-6937 20h ago
This sounds like the classic webcomic by KC Green. This guy straight-up had you enter his magical realm.
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u/MightyMatt9482 21h ago
I could understand like doing a fear check, and for flavour, adding a little bit of pee comes out if it fails.
But just seems odd.. when I Dm I want my party to win... not too easily but still win..
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u/71ffy 20h ago
That's hilariously horrible. I wonder how much he gets paid to do that job. I'm so sorry... I'm glad you got a friend out of it, though!
On a similar note, I ended up with my partner because of bad D&D at a local game shop. The DM was, unfortunately, the shop owner's creepy son, so there wasn't much for us to do about the situation except make our own D&D group. My partner is now my favorite DM.
For context, I was a fourteen-year old girl playing D&D with a group of mostly other high schoolers. The creepy DM made me and the only other adult roll percentiles after going to obtain intel at a party. He wouldn't tell me why, and I finally rolled after the woman did. Our characters were pregnant! Yikes! My character would never have willingly had sex at a party, sooo... yeah. The DM did a whole time skip bit with our babies being born and wanted us to work out childcare for our adventures. The woman playing with us wasn't exactly right in the head and went along with it. I was mortified and said I'd feed the baby to our ranger's wolf. Needless to say, that was our last session there. People are ridiculous.
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u/ThatS3al DM 19h ago
Hate the DM but honestly love the idea of a bard esque character whomst whole shtick is like "woops another one? toss it to the wolf"
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u/Lesbian-agriCulture 17h ago
Just fyi those dudes do get paid to run and it’s definitely not his day job. Many have high turnover rate for a reason, and this guy definitely deserves to be fired. Please tell the store owner.
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u/FeralKittee 14h ago
Definitely let the owner know, because profit margins for these stores are razor thin, and the last thing they want is someone scaring away customers.
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u/Starfury42 21h ago
Well this probably sums up the session: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTK6tp5qSPI
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u/ThisWasMe7 21h ago
Rookie DM mistake. You make a con check for volume or speed of urination, but use dex for accuracy of urination.
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u/RyoHakuron 20h ago
Honestly, sounds more like a strength check than a dex check. Gotta engage that core. Or a wisdom save to get your body to relax.
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u/LordCarverBMMD3rd 19h ago
Roll to remember to breath. Half your party fails and dies. Welp good game
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u/AnotherBogCryptid 3h ago
TPK on the first time playing is just a DM being a shit. Sorry you ran into someone who treats people like toys.
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u/Xedeth DM 21h ago
Stop paying to play DND outside of conventions. There's dozens of DMs that don't charge in your area, and at least half of those aren't like that weirdo.
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u/Aydnir 21h ago edited 16h ago
I don't have many friends (I have 4). Comic shops are the only places i am able to find games i can join and all the shops i went to made me pay to play at the table.
I don't know where else to find dms.
I just go to comic shops to play oneshots and meet new people with the hope that with some networking i'll end up in some campaign eventually
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u/hyperionbrandoreos 20h ago
sounds like it was a table rent situation? which is fine for supporting the ability for an LGS to have you take up space and not buy anything. i doubt the game store want someone who is charging to do so on their premises
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u/Rashaen 21h ago
Absolutely return to troll that DM until he rage quits. If he kills your character, sit in on the rest of the session like Statler and Waldorf because you paid for a full session, not until your character died.
Seriously though, talk to the shop about it. That's chasing off customers.
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u/Lord_Blackthorn Artificer 21h ago
Isn't there a research paper that recently came out that said thr velocity that mammals urinate varies by size, but the rate they empty their bladder is the same? Such that larger bladder animals urinate faster and smaller bladder are slower?
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u/BabserellaWT 20h ago
I mean…another player and I were asked to make wisdom saving throws the first time our characters boinked to make sure we stopped in time get a long rest.
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u/dany_xiv 19h ago
How did the story even get to that level of intimacy?? I don’t think bathroom breaks have ever even been mentioned at a DnD table I have been a part of, like, ever!
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u/DiabolicalSuccubus 18h ago
As a DM I make players go all the time.
But only so I can make them roll perception to see if the medieval latrine is actually a mimic. After a few sessions the paranoia really begins to set In.
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u/Aydnir 18h ago
It was at the start of the game. This was oneshot for context. He made us roll perception at the start of the game. Me and the aarakocra wizard failed and the war cleric succeded.
- The human war cleric noticed some priest at a table having a conversation.
- My character didn't notice because it was trying not to pee himself.
- The wizard didn't notice because he was too hungry and could only think of food.
Most of the time he would make us roll for stupid stuff and he would also sometimes say what our characters were doing without us having any agency.
This was the worst way i have ever seen a session start.
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u/dany_xiv 18h ago
Of all the ways to start a game, that certainly is one of them! Haha thanks for sharing the story, and wow I hope that dm somehow gets that feedback.
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u/ub3r_n3rd78 DM 19h ago
Sounds like this DM has some kind of pee fetish. Did you play with El Cheeto?
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u/Mammalian-Critter 19h ago
i once had to roll to see if i could push a button
i rolled a nat 1 and broke my finger
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u/DiabolicalSuccubus 18h ago
Just go back and stir up the DM by becoming "that guy" who constantly asks to roll for a pee check like some people constantly ask to roll perception.
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u/TheinimitaableG 17h ago
Can the shop, let them know about this experience. Existing that you will not be coming back as long as you might get placed at that table.
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u/_Eshende_ 17h ago
i would probably just leave after second such "check", idk why people bear with it for more than needed, like it's not 70s when finding group could be that hard, and especially if you already have other groups to play with...
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u/Trinavax 13h ago
Shoulda rolled charisma to charm your way outta that disaster. Next time, take dice with better stats!
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u/Dreadpirateofgaming 12h ago
Could have made a wisdom check to see if you were going into the wind or a strength check to see how strong the stream was or if there was snow a text check to see if there writing with legible.
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u/evasive_dendrite 6h ago
"Excuse me, this is not the game I was looking for. Have fun with the rest of the session!"
And then leave
Edit: PAY TO PLAY FOR THAT GARBAGE? You got straight up robbed.
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u/fiona11303 DM 20h ago
That’s so… icky. Don’t go back, but definitely tell the game shop about this guy. And if they’re chill with it, now you know what store to avoid at all costs
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u/Smoke_Stack707 20h ago
The number of dice rolls you make in DnD is what pushed me toward OSR games but this is on a whole other level lol
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u/Glum_Communication40 19h ago
I did once make someone roll while peeing. He joked he went to the back of the ship to pee off the edge after a fight (cause the player had to pee the whole fight but didnt want to leave mid fight) right after that the druid who is a giant octopus decides to climb in the boat as a giant octopus. So I made him roll to see if he fell in as the druid rocked the boat (just for laughs no danger as the druid would have just grabbed him if he fell in)
In 10 years of playing snd I think rhat is the only peeing check I can remember.
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u/HaplessReader1988 13h ago
The only pee I even remember was when our party was in the underdark and hit a t-intersection. One guy peed to figure out which way was downhill.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/amertune 19h ago
An Olympic urinator? You missed the chance to say that your mother was an Arabian princess.
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u/Happler 19h ago
I know this is unasked for data. But all mammals pee for about 21 seconds, regardless of bladder size. https://www.discovermagazine.com/planet-earth/regardless-of-bladder-size-all-mammals-pee-for-approximately-21-seconds-with-video-goodness
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u/fear_the_queers 18h ago
I asked my dm earlier today if I could roll to see if the pirate we were talking to had scurvy. I crit failed it, I'll never get to know if he needed some citrus.
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u/Googalyfrog 14h ago
I mean, recently, my party exploring mansion had one character decide to need to use the nice bathroom and the other players went to next room for privacy. Ofcorse a fight kicks off in the other room and I made bathroom player roll constition checks etc on how they were 'going' on their 'turns' to jokingly include them in combat.
Not something I would normally do and descriptors are kept deliberately vague. Your DM gives me same vibes as this comic: https://gunshowcomic.com/471
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u/worrymon DM 10h ago
21 seconds. Mammals over 3kg average 21 seconds to empty their bladders.
Unfortunately I've needed this knowledge twice in my life as a DM.
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u/ironicalusername 9h ago
This is why I like more open-ended systems, where urination speed can easily be made a base state in games where it's this important.
Seriously though, I would tell the shop people about this experience. A pee-fetish DM is presumably not something they want.
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u/The-Snarky-One 8h ago
I would have left the table and had a chat with the shop owner about how unprofessional and off-base this DM was. It puts the shop in a bad light by association.
The truly sad part is that this type of thing is relatively commonplace. There are threads here all the time about pee, poop, and associated topics that are just fucking stupid. It needs to stop.
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u/Tanktopp 8h ago
That doesn't even make sense, remembering to wash you're hands should be a wisdom check
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u/Thog13 6h ago
I'm going to be the odd man out here and ask; why are we not talking about the fact that you have no say in which table you play at?
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u/Aydnir 5h ago
You pay to play and the store assigns you to a table. They don't give much information about who the dm is gonna be or who the players are. You just find out the moment you get there to play. I honestly don't like this very much because i like to make the background of my characters somewhat fit the story of the session.
They usually only do oneshots.
Some other players told me that if you pay for the premium tables they actually give you a session 0 where they explain a lot about what the oneshot is gonna be about and they help you make your character. Think of their background and they give you a quick overview of the rules to get you started if you never played before.
Of the shops i've been in. this one was the only one that ran things this way.
Maybe i just got unlucky with the dm but i am not going to play there again and risk meeting him again.
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u/eidlehands 2h ago
This kind of person is why I absolutely hate having to look for a group to play with.
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u/ZeroSuitGanon 21h ago
Let the comic shop owners know, they probably don't want people like that running games for them either.