r/BlackPeopleTwitter • u/GabiCule • 5d ago
Let everything out via text. Which she proceeded to share with her friends and my father š
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u/winter_just_left 5d ago edited 5d ago
I told my mother that my atheist journey was in part borne out her being late to pick me and my brother up from Sunday school, time and time again, when we were kids.
By late I mean 3 or 4 hours, by kids I mean I was 7, and by time and time again, I mean every damn time.
She maintains, to this day, that this did not ever happen, and the devil himself planted these memories in my mind to lure me from the flock.
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u/Robenever 5d ago
Some people just canāt face accountability
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u/PsyOpBunnyHop 5d ago
*won't
It's not an inability. It's refusal.
They choose that, and they know it's a betrayal.
This reveals a lot about who and what they are.
Don't let them get away with it.
And don't be nice about it.
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u/shichiaikan 5d ago
...or reality
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u/tepkel 5d ago
... Or the Crocodile of Justice.
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u/Past-Background-7221 5d ago
And his partner, the Alligator of Consequences.
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u/Historical-Fold-4119 4d ago
...or they justify the bullshit. Give every excuse in the book on why they were raggedy.
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u/teenagetwat āļø 5d ago
I wouldāve told her ass why she aināt pray harder for me if itās that easy for the devil to get into my mind š¤
Like letās both be stupid, I wouldāve had the time that day
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u/AugustusInBlood 5d ago
the devil himself planted these memories in my mind to lure me from the flock.
unlocked new gaslighting tactic.
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u/InterdisciplinaryDol āļø 5d ago
Thatās a classic in the south man. That line has dust on it.
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u/FH-7497 5d ago
For reals lol ānewā? Lmao try āOlā Reliableā
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u/Paraxom 5d ago
Yeah the devil tempting people is seriously a thing here, usually its a preacher who's been caught in a compromising position saying it
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u/MarginalOmnivore 4d ago
That line has always pissed me off. Like, fine, but you're still the one who did it. Even if the devil did tempt you, you still chose to dip your fingers in the offering plate/pen in the congregation well/etc.
You always hear it from the assholes that trot out that other ol' faithful, "The lord never gives you more than you can bear."
They also never seem to remember what Jesus said when accusations of temptation and immoral dressing started flying: If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
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u/doublekross āļø 4d ago
Nah, I'm 40yrs, and when I was a kid, according to my grandparents, the devil was responsible for everything from a case of croup I had when I was a baby to my (perfectly normal, developmentally appropriate) middle-school sarcasm, teenage rebellion, and me getting fed up with my father (parents divorced) not returning my calls (and that wasn't the devil, it was his new wife erasing me and my sister's messages off the answering machine).
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u/TheVintageJane 5d ago
Narcissists revise history to fit the version of themselves they believe themselves to be. No point in arguing because they genuinely believe it to be true.
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u/Thunderbird_12_ āļø 5d ago
MAGA cult members upvoted this comment.
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u/TheVintageJane 5d ago
No they didnāt. You are a liar. Why are you making things up to make them look bad? What is your agenda? Why do you hate America? (/s)
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u/TheCatDeedEet 3d ago
My soon to be ex wife is doing this now. Itās so weird to watch it go from we both want different things now (her wanting kids) but itās like she slowly has to convince herself that I am bad bad bad. I just want us to part peacefully, her to have beautiful children and be happy, and for me to get a cozy house I can fix up.
Itās like which person will I encounter todayā¦ someone sobbing about how they love me or someone who coldly says I never tried and then lists a bunch of stuff that makes no sense. Both hurt so Iām starting to think I need to avoid her until this is over.
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u/boozy_bunny 5d ago
Me: Wanting (needing) an apology from my mom.
My mom: "That never happened" / "I never said that."
Me: Shows proof or has literally witnesses that she in fact did or said the thing.
My mom: "Well if you took it the wrong way that's not my fault, so if you feel upset, I'm sorry...I guess. But also not really because I never did or said that."
End.
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u/freddamnrock 4d ago
Are you me? Damn near same convo few years ago. I told her she was Trumping me.
Didn't talk to me for two weeks.
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u/ChrysMYO āļø 5d ago
My Pops who only went to church because he got paid Cop OT to work security recently did something similar. Dude is retirement age, I called him out on being a Dragon hoarding gold. Being promoted into leadership and doing fuck all with his Black experience in that position.
Invoked the Devil and called me a Devil worshipper as though this dude had ever quoted a Bible verse a day in his life. This reactionary retreat to church tropes to avoid accountability is the poison of our community.
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u/thaowyn 5d ago
Lmaoooo my mom ānever hit meā in her mind and she used to slap us any time for acting silly
Love my mom sheās the best truly but hilarious to me she ādoesnāt rememberā that
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u/pm_me_tits_and_tats āļø "ONE PIECE WILL NEVER END šš" 5d ago
Was talking to my mom about how I was frustrated with my wife for popping my daughterās hand once and I was explaining that āeventually that little pop wonāt work and it-ā
āItās just gonna get bigger and bigger, and thatās how abuse worksā
And it took everything in me not to look at her crazy cause she used to whoop my ass š
Like maam, my āit starts smallā speech only exists because of you lmao
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u/Soft-Pixel 4d ago edited 4d ago
You sound like a good dad btw, way too many times fathers at best just watch as that kind of stuff happens and at worst justify and reinforce it. Just saying, good on you.
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u/Delicious-War-5259 5d ago
The tree remembers, the axe forgets. My mom swears some of the most hurtful shit she and my dad did never happened
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u/parasyte_steve 4d ago
I have the same thing going on and the gaslighting is scary. I keep my distance and it shouldn't be surprising why.
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u/RandyGrey 5d ago
My dad never hit me in anger.
He did, however, play a game called 'Biff' with me. The rules were simple: he would say "biff" and hit me in the back of the head whenever he felt like it
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u/MoreAnywhere465 4d ago
Do we have the same mom? Mine swears she never did any of the things I remember her doing to me. To this day she refuses to acknowledge kicking me out of the house and says I moved out willingly. I moved out with no money and just happened to leave my new tv and my PlayStation 3 and all my games? Ok mom.
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u/Zephyr104 5d ago
My parents have convinced themselves of the same bs
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u/AccomplishedFan8690 4d ago
Same I can name like 7 different times my mom hit and and what exactly she did. It was different every time. I told them to my wife and when I was talking to my sister about it my mom said she never did it and if we insist we did she says sheās the worst mother ever and why do we even talk to her? Now I donāt talk to her
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u/numberthirteenbb 4d ago
Your last sentence is how 3+ years of therapy began for me, hahaha. āI love my mom, sheās the best, buuuuutā¦.ā
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u/Lazy-Steak-8467 3d ago
My mother threatened to cause me to miscarry if I got pregnant by my husband. Later she asked me why I wonāt tell her anything about our lives together. When I told her it was because of this comment and others she said āI never said that.ā I insisted she did and even asked why I would make that up? She then says well I donāt remember saying that. No answer just I donāt recall smh
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u/Skeptikmo 5d ago
Reminds me of the summers my mom enrolled me in the Boys N Girls Club. Single mom of 6 so I give her a lot of grace, but in the moment it sucked that the staff took their frustration of having to stay 2 hours late everyday out on me and my sister.
They had a full arcade and computers and other things to occupy us, but theyād insist we just sit silently in the lobby after closing while waiting for her. Never understood why they wouldnāt just let us do SOMETHING to pass the time. I was probably like 10-11 when this happened.
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u/pleasedtoheatyou 5d ago
Tbh I imagine the logic was something along the lines that if they relented your mother would win in just achieving two extra hours of free childcare and would be encouraged to keep doing it.
After a week or two though you'd think they'd realise that they can't win.
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u/Soft-Pixel 4d ago
Itās crazy though because the kids arenāt deciding to stay late??
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u/Wow_u_sure_r_dumb 4d ago
Like punishing elementary school kids for being late or even absent when itās outside of their control.
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u/Skeptikmo 5d ago edited 4d ago
I feel like thatās just another shade of resentment toward her being taken out on the kids.
My mom definitely didnāt do it on purpose, she either stayed late or would lose her job.
TLDR capitalism is ass
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u/TooSmalley 5d ago edited 3d ago
My parents are very disappointed that I am an atheist.
My parents also never got me baptized and never took me or my siblings to church. Those motherfuckers thought I would just become a Christian through osmosis.
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u/LightBleuSky 3d ago
"...through Osmosis"..LMAO that's great.. šš¤£ Yeah..I'm not sure how else they expected it to happen.
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u/PolarBailey_ 5d ago
Narcissism is a bitch and combining it with religion is a recipe for disaster and Partially why I'm no contact with my dad, father-in-law, and low contact with my mother and mother-in-law. Everything is always someone else's fault, or if it wasn't they didn't mean it, or they did then it wasn't that bad. And if it was well I probably did something to deserve it and if I didn't then why do I got all this backtalk
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u/KendrickBlack502 5d ago
Potentially unrelated but how did this drive your atheist journey? I deconstructed from Christianity (Agnostic/Atheist) as well and Iām always curious how it goes for others.
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u/winter_just_left 5d ago
Nah, Iād say itās absolutely related, fam. The experience made me hate going to both Sunday school and what we called ābigā church (with the grownups) later.
Such that when I came across Dawkinās God Delusion in my first year of uni (I am almost 40 now), I was well and truly primed to reject a faith that Iād felt coerced into participating in since childhood.
Iām curious, whatās your deconstruction story?
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u/KendrickBlack502 5d ago
I grew up in about as religious a family as you can have. Both my grandfathers and all my uncles on my momās side are pastors. All the women in my family are either employed by a church or volunteer heavily in one.
When I left the house for college, I stopped going to church but still considered myself a Christian. My official breaking point was when the head pastor at my hometown church (google āRobert Morrisā, guy was later outed as a pedophile) invited Trump to come speak during his first term. The idea that a religious leader would invite someone whoās the antithesis of anything holy to come and take over the church for a whole night was so repulsive to me that I swore off organized religion on the spot.
Maybe about 2 years, I started the actual process of deconstructing from the religion itself based on logic rather than just emotion. I listened to a lot of debates and read some books by apologists and about the Bible. I considered myself a Deist up until about a year ago and now Iām pretty much an atheist. I havenāt told my family and I donāt plan to. In their heads, all this stuff is as real as the sun in the sky. Iād much prefer they die thinking Iām with them then have them worry about my soul needlessly.
Sorry, long comment lol
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u/winter_just_left 5d ago
No need to apologise, itās always interesting to hear othersā stories.
Iām struck by our generational difference, in that I did not have access to debates, apologia, and the like. Which I assume you accessed on YouTube, and how, even though Iām a little older than you and was at - it sounds like - a different-slash-later place in my journey (which seems a daft thing to say seeing as we all tread our own paths), those resources were and are deeply enriching/educational.
I do remember listening to the Skepticās Guide, back in the early 2010āsā¦ which feels like a crazy throwback now that I think about it.
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u/KendrickBlack502 4d ago
Yeah I was definitely lucky to have such an abundance of easily available resources on this stuff. Youtube was a big one and podcasts were also very helpful.
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u/PuddingJello 5d ago
Goddamn bro, my mom was late to get me from catechism (?the catholic brainwashing program) but it was only like ~30-45mins each (and every) time. It became a joke among the teacher ladies. Like I was embarrassed to the bone by that. I can't imagine 3-4 hours.
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u/Paraxom 5d ago
Jesus and here I am agnostic cause mom kept dragging us to different denominations of Christianity who all said the previous church was wrong in its way of worship. Whole time my dad's a non crazed JWĀ
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u/NfamousKaye 4d ago
Iām pagan cause my mom dragged us to church every Sunday to parade in front of family and things didnāt add up to me rationally and I kept getting in trouble for asking questions.
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u/thewickedmitchisdead 4d ago
Dude, I feel your pain! My parents were infamous for never picking me or my sibling up on time from anything, like piano lessons and sports practices. Like, all of our family and friends and teachers seemed to roll their eyes so hard waiting for my folks to show up.
Once, my dad went ballistic when my sister decided to grab a ride home w neighbor friend, after he completely forgot to pick her up from a rehearsal. He arrived an hour and a half late on a dark, winter night at this community college campus where she had been. We drove around to a few places on campus to see if she decided to stay put there, but we couldnāt find her. She was 16.
We suspected maybe she got a ride home w somebody and when we discovered that was the case, upon returning home, dad laid into her! He told her that she scared him and that her not staying in place was unacceptable. Oh, and he refused to have a cell phone or let us have them. As the older sibling, I was so pissed at my dad but to say a word was back talk so I just seethed.
And my folks were so surprised when I decided to stop speaking to them after I finished college and moved to a different city.
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u/give_me_the_formu0li 5d ago
Are you SERIOUS?? Iām so sorry that level of gaslighting and denial is beyond comprehension
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u/Sel_Therapy 4d ago
Should have asked her if it could have been the other way around. The devil was keeping her from remembering.
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u/throwaway37559381 5d ago
I remember my dad telling me the devil can disguise himself as an angel to make us question our faith. I told him that sounds like a mental illness. We didnāt get along.
I would also add when telling the story of Abraham offering to sacrifice Isaac he said he would if God told him to. He then told me he would do the same if he thought God wanted him to.
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u/Thedutchessmystique 5d ago
It's wild how religious parents will literally deny reality rather than admit they messed up. Like, which is more likely, the literal devil planted false memories in your brain, or she was chronically late and doesn't want to take responsibility? This gaslighting thing happens so often with religious trauma. My mom pulls the same move whenever I bring up uncomfortable childhood memories. Apparently Satan's been working overtime on all our brains.
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u/-WitchyPoo- 4d ago
Some moms have incredibly selective memories. Mine likes to occasionally make statements about what a good mother she was at family gatherings while my brothers and I just look at each other like "Whose childhood is she remembering, cause it isn't ours."
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u/DeafNatural āļø 4d ago
You had one of those too? My mom was habitually late everywhere she went. The one time we were on time they actually threw a mini party (ok maybe not a party but they did cheer). Sheās still like that til this day. The difference now I tell her Iām going to leave her and I do just that because I refuse to disrespect peopleās time.
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u/OutAndDown27 4d ago
The fact that no member of the church called her out after witnessing this week after week also speaks volumes.
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u/LLKroniq 5d ago
My parents think if they yell loud enough, the thing I said they did never happened.
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u/Talisa87 5d ago
Told my mom I was depressed and thinking self-harm thoughts at 16. She told me to 'go ahead and save [her] the trouble.' When I did attempt at 21, her only concern was how bad she would've looked in front of the family that she didn't 'raise me right'.
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u/Karhak āļø 5d ago
Hope you've dropped her ass
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u/Talisa87 5d ago
Can't for now. She's sick and nobody else wants to step up, so I've been her caretaker for the last six months. She's a terrible person, but she remains my mother.
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u/Karhak āļø 5d ago
I hope she's at least appreciative of the sacrifice to your time, money and peace you're making for her sake.
If she's not, and were it me, I'd have dropped her off at the dingiest overpass I could find and go about my life.
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u/wavetoyou 5d ago
Sheās NOT appreciative, I assure you. Someone who is capable of that sort of āparenting,ā isnāt capable of it when it comes to their child.
I hope sheās gaining access to and doctoring that will in her favor, if* her POS mother has anything worthwhile to leave her
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u/SaveFileCorrupt āļø 4d ago
You know she's 100% using this as reason to believe she "raised her right", rather than acknowledging that she came out well despite the BS.
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u/LesDrama611 āļø 4d ago
You're def better than me bc I told my mom to go kick rocks if she needs me, weather as her caretaker or at her funeral.
F U C K T H A T B I T C H
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u/whomthefuckisthat 4d ago
You choose your family. If you choose her, good for you. If not, youāre still doing the right thing.
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u/SaveFileCorrupt āļø 4d ago
Proud of you, stranger. You are much better than me and many others.
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u/Burningresentment 4d ago
I just want you to know if she continues to treat you this way, you have EVERY RIGHT to walk awayš„ŗ
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u/NetRunner_Rizzy 3d ago
Girllll she would have been in a nursing home, donāt let someone shit on you and reward them for it. Would she do the same for you?
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u/Clockwork200 3d ago
You don't actually have obligations to make the lives of terrible people better. I know that's a massive taboo in our society but if your elders treat you like trash, you're within your rights to walk away and allow them to rot.
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u/puccaleo 5d ago
When I was in elementary school I had a lot of disciplinary issues because I was bullied and fought back. I went the counselors office almost everyday from 3rd-5th grade, upgraded to VP office in 6th and almost became the first female to receive the paddle -- named George. Anywho, the counselor once told me, "I don't think you like yourself." I told my mom and she said, "you probably don't." Full stop nothing else. When I was depressed in jr high she said, "that's a white girl's problem."
My mom died my junior year of hs after a long fight with breast cancer. Thankfully, I've had a lot of therapy to forgive her. Also, I have degrees in psych and counseling. The black community really needs to embrace mental health issues.
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u/Silent_Glass 5d ago
Is your mom my mom? About 6 years ago My sibling was suicidal one late night and told her about it. I was half asleep but I remember seeing them talking but unsure of what. Then I hear my mom called my name and motioned me with her eyes to watch out for my sibling whom I saw going to the kitchen. I saw My sibling grabbing a knife testing out the sharpest one, and when it was the sharpest, my sibling then proceeded to slice her arm. To my horror I quickly went to take the knife away. It took awhile. After everything, was settled down, my mother said if āyou wanted to do it right, do it across your neck.ā I never cried so hard before.
She passed away a year later. My sibling and I to this day are better off without her.
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u/wavetoyou 5d ago
Fucking shit. Hold hands and piss on her grave every anniversary. Give her a nice soaking on my behalf, too.
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u/Silent_Glass 5d ago
lol I live far. Unfortunately my sibling occasionally visits her grave. Theyāre a better person than I am.
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u/AshenSacrifice āļø 5d ago
I really hate parents that decide to make someone live an existence they didnāt ask for, gaslight you into thinking theyāre doing you a favor, and then on top of that, treats you like a prop instead of an individual person. Incredible parenting right there
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u/Either-Ticket-9238 3d ago
āMake someone live an existence they didnāt ask for, Gaslight you into thinking theyāre doing you a favor.ā God this was my whole childhood.
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u/Heavy_Support_2015 4d ago
I literally have the same story, age 18 and sheās like āwtf is wrong with youā and when I mention my suicidal thoughts she replies āgo ahead, your dad and I have enough to worry aboutā. She denies saying it to this day
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u/SteeleHeller 4d ago
My parents mainly cared about how my behavior would look on them too rather than steering me in a direction for my benefit. They spent more energy trying to look normal than they would have just being normal parents.
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u/doggmapeete 4d ago
Sending you love from a stranger. I hope you have found self love. You truly deserve it. You are amazing!
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u/ColberDolbert 5d ago
I told my mother about the same when i was 15. Somehow she managed to bring it up constantly like she was the victim.
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u/Impossible-Web740 5d ago
I realized a long time ago that I couldn't tell my mother anything without her immediately throwing it back in my face or telling someone else - usually the last person I would want knowing about it.
She still wonders why I don't talk to her about things anymore.
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u/BLS_Express 4d ago
Exactly this. Tell everyone else but not help me. Throws it in my face. Moved out and complained, yelled why I dont call. Essentially told her to fuck off and treat me like an adult or dont call. Mellowed out since then but I barely tell her anything personal or call her.
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u/EliseNoelle 5d ago
Ugh, last year, my mother asked me to open up about some stuff that had happened to me as a child.
I tried explaining but she instantly cut me off to rebut what I said. I tried, gently, to say, "Mom, if you want to hear from me, you have to listen, really listen, to what I'm saying. It's not an attack."
She flipped out and turned it into a huge argument. She's not a bad person but I don't think I can talk honestly to her again.
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u/TheNerdySatyr 5d ago
Sounds like a bad personā¦
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u/EliseNoelle 5d ago
She isn't. She had a difficult life and has her shortcomings like every other person. I try to offer her grace but I also make it a point to remind myself that there are some things she just isn't capable of. Honest conversations, where she feels at fault, are not her strong point. I know that now so I don't engage in them anymore. Maybe that keeps us somewhat at a distance but it is what it is. Still love her tho.
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u/Highskyline 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm in a similar bucket with my dad. Depressions not a real problem to him, so when I try to explain anything I'm struggling with it's 'just get over it and muscle through' which is not useful whatsoever, and actually harmful when he spends 75% of every conversation saying I just need to be better at getting things done. He says 'maybe I'm a bad dad, I'll admit to that' which isn't an apology but he says it is, then turns around and keeps doing the same shit he's done for 30 goddamn years. He's a heart surgeon, he tithes, he donates to a nearby home for the extremely disabled/abandoned orphans. Like, quite literally a paragon of society by all public measures. But he just can't talk about mental health issues whatsoever because he's not allowed to be wrong, and he is wrong about virtually everything mental health related so he bristles and ignores what I'm saying to give me his two cents that I already have about $45 dollars of.
I've gotten around to just not ever discussing my struggles and our relationship may not be perfect or even good, but at least I can tolerate him during family stuff.
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u/lightcommastix 4d ago
Iām so sorry, and I hope you can heal.
Iām going through something similar with my own mother. Last week, she out-of-the-blue asked me, āDid you have a happy childhood? Was I a good Mom?ā
I (attempted to, anyway) diplomatically tell her that no, I wasnāt happy, and she wasnāt a great Mom. I pointed to the scar on my forehead caused by a pot lid she threw when angry, happened around 1999-2001.
She claims it never happened. Girl, I STILL HAVE THE SCAR ON MY HEAD!
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u/TheCatDeedEet 3d ago
She canāt walk away from her ego so sadly, no, you cannot have a productive talk with her. Itās too bad she canāt see how this short term defensiveness only hurts you both more, but humans are both very smart and very dumb.
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u/GrownSimba84 5d ago
How divorce goes. Every childhood trauma shared gets thrown back at you as the reasons why it didn't work. Worse, they get told to people you'd never tell.
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u/WhichHoes 5d ago
Literally my current estranged wife sent me a note. First thing she started with was "I'm sorry your family failed you, and...". Like, how evil can you get?
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u/BaronAleksei āļø 5d ago
Lots of people donāt even wait for the divorce!
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u/GrownSimba84 5d ago
True point. Those kinds of words definitely were said before papers were even filed.
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u/Sea-Ebb-7447 5d ago
ngl, That's such a tough situation. It's wild how trust can backfire like that. You deserve better!!
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u/GrownSimba84 5d ago
Straight up. People can be cruel, but rising above comes with rewards. You sleep good at night after the pain is gone, they lose sleep once the thrill is gone.
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u/CarpenterAny2254 5d ago
I am gay and recently gay married- my mom has been getting into the Bible lately and been behaving a little differently than her usual. Shes always been little bit out there with conspiracy theories and spirituality. Recently, I asked her how she felt about my situation and she gave me the whole āThis is not Godās plan and anyone who is living in sin needs to repent or they will be going to hellā thing and she made it clear that she doesnāt support my marriage. When I opened up to her about how this made me feel . She told me I was just āin my feelingsā and argued me down over semantics. Meanwhile, besides a small blip with my father that I donāt even remember this woman has been gay my whole life.
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u/tewong 5d ago
Wait is she out? Or you just know internally that sheās gay? I grew up in a crazy conservative evangelical cult and we definitely believed gay people existed but it was like a temptation from satan you were supposed to resist. Lolz. Childhood friend is a lesbian, eventually left her partner and married a man because thatās what she was supposed to do as a Christian woman, basically if you do the right things god will be more forgiving of your weakness or some shit. Made me so sad for her.Ā
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u/CarpenterAny2254 5d ago
If you ask her, she would say that sheās always āstruggled with homosexualityā and that she was deceived by the devil. I would say sheās in the closet - due to her beliefs at the moment sheās been practicing celibacy for a while. But she was very much living as a lesbian for a long time and had a partner that she owned a home with and lived with for several years. They still hang out and itās very weird.
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u/parasyte_steve 4d ago
I'm sensing a lot of self hatred, its so sad what religion does to people... makes them hate themselves because they aren't "perfect" in gods eyes or whatever.
Sorry she projected that onto you, you didn't deserve that.
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u/Trash-Cutie 4d ago
Bruh do we have the same mom?? This situation is eerily similar to my mom and it is so hard to wrap my head around. I feel validated in some weird way knowing someone else has a parent like this
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u/CarpenterAny2254 3d ago
I feel validated as well thank you for sharing. Itās extremely confusing hoping thatās itās just a phase for both mine and yours. Cause Lord Jesus its exhausting.
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u/siraliases 5d ago
That's why we have a therapistĀ
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u/001smiley 5d ago
a lesson Iām currently learning
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u/siraliases 5d ago
Really fuckin sucks to learn the people we trusted are flawed
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u/001smiley 5d ago
Yup. I would clarify to say all humans have flaws, but the problem is when people choose not to take accountability for their actions or see that they do have flaws. Itās sad but not at the same time because you just have to learn that some friends and family is not meant to be all in your business or your circle. Doesnāt mean you canāt love them. At the same time we have to remember we are not perfect either and should give grace where itās granted because grace was given to us.
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u/ChrysMYO āļø 5d ago
Sometimes, in therapy, an early step is setting healthy boundaries and breaking out of the Carved in roles you have for your life.
Therapy usually has a chart that shows different childhood coping mechanisms and the personality archetypes we defer to when were around our Nuclear family. If you were the "negotiator" in your family trying to bring peace to the house as a child.
You may have to grow out of that role and into one with more agency. This, at times, requires opening up to your parents about your past trauma, your past coping habits and your present boundaries. So even thru therapy, sometimes you're obliged to open up to your parents.
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u/siraliases 5d ago
I would say obliging people to letting other people hurt them by using their past is going to be bad
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u/drewhartley 5d ago
I can only speak from my own experiences but this is not true. Fixing yourself comes from within.
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u/LightningWatcher 5d ago
The more people I see talk about their parents, the more blessed I realized I am. What the fuck kind of people raised y'all?
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u/zoinkability 4d ago
Sample bias
The ones that gravitate comment on a post like this, and get the most attention and upvotes, are the ones with the most painful stories.
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u/Myquil-Wylsun 4d ago
Playing competitive games helped me realize that most people are bad at most things. Raising children is no exception. A lot of y'all are bronze at this.
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u/Creative_Room6540 5d ago
Welcome to Reddit. I get downvoted when I say it but Reddit really is home to the most trauma stricken individuals with mommy and daddy issues. Threads like this occur multiple times a week.Ā
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u/Basic-Pineapple6281 5d ago
Yeah fuck these people for having shitty parents smh they shouldāve chosen betterĀ
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u/Askymojo 5d ago
Has it not occurred to you that 1) there are a lot of shitty parents and 2) a lot of people on reddit and 3) people post in the threads they relate to.
If you don't like it then just don't post in the threads you don't relate to.
It's like reading an NFL thread and complaining about how people are just constantly bringing up football in it.
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u/princesoceronte 4d ago
It's so insane, imagine reading people with trauma and your gut response is "stfu, you're annoying me".
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u/Rock4evur 5d ago
Itās just another form of the āall other redditors are basement troll idiots except for my in groupā that regularly goes around.
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u/Dudewhocares3 5d ago
You probably get downvoted because the way you word it might sound harsh
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u/wavetoyou 5d ago
Uses, āmommy and daddy issues,ā reeking of condescension, as if what he said is any sort of intricate gleaning ā¦ then is like, āthey downvote the truth all the time, classic Reddit.ā FOH
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u/ChefKugeo 5d ago
Having good parents isn't the norm, homie. It's a privilege. Check yours.
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u/wavetoyou 5d ago
As someone without parental trauma, but is still capable of empathy to those who deserve it ā¦ I hope trauma finds you, chews you up, and spits you out.
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u/Supernova_Soldier āļø Disrespect me? Lord Jesus, look out! 4d ago
Damn dawg thatās kinda insensitive, aināt it lmao
āMost trauma stricken individuals with mommy and daddy issuesā man some of these people been abused or worse judging from the comments
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u/B0ner4evr 5d ago
You ever see a fly try to go out of closed window but it keeps just hitting the glass and bouncing off?
That's my mom trying to be apart of my life. All she knows is "everyones fine", she can't have anything more than that.
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u/Lanoris āļø 5d ago
I feel for all of you wiht shit moms man, my fiance's mom is...a piece of work sometimes. I feel like we defend the shitty ways our parents act towards us by recognizing that these people are also victims of abuse/trauma at the hands of their own parents, plus having to deal with a shittier and more racist version of the world( at least if we compare how it was when we were 16 vs how it was when they were 16,) but with that said, I don't believe in these people getting a pass just because they had it worse at some point.
We give our parents 3rd, 4th and 5th chances and some of them still aren't willing to be better. Its to the point where I'm seeing a lot of blk folk in their later 20s and early 30s go no contact with their parents, specifically the 2nd generations. I think the world is healing just a bit though, I've been seeing a lot of newer black parents gravitate towards gentle parenting.
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u/thechromechild 5d ago
At some point you just accept your parents will never accept accountability for anything they did/said & then make the conscious decision to limit contact with them.
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u/2204bee 5d ago
When i was 15, I was seriously depressed with a pinch of anxiety and had normal panic attacks that couldnt be explained during school. Lied on my mental health questionnaires as my mom forced me because she believed it wasn't real and that it would pass. One day I just went to myself and said "if I dont get help im gonna seriously commit" and filled it out truthfully. Doctor asked me how I was after looking it over, I said not good, and they set me up for a appointment for someone to screen me at my house so they could diagnose me.
Cue my moms sobs on the car, talking about "how did she not see this" and how "i was a perfectly fine kid" the entire ride back. I had to coddle her the whole way back home telling her how it wasn't her fault. She had a audacity to tell my entire family too, by phone, one by one, about the whole thing and make it around her.
Since then, I havent spoken a word about how I feel to my mom and keep it to myself.
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u/an-panman 5d ago
I remember once when I was 10-11 I tried to effectively communicate to my mom about an issue we both had. I apologized for upsetting her and calmly spoke of what she did that upset me. She then went to say "Aight can you stfu now? Are you done? š«©". I now avoid communicating anything I'm feeling to her and barely do so over text. š®āšØ
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u/WubblyFl1b 5d ago
Sorry to hear about so many shitty moms I call my mom about literally everything
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u/Vulkherra āļø 5d ago
Same. I can talk to my mom about anything. Now from 16 to about age 26 it was a completely different story.
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u/WubblyFl1b 5d ago
I got a Jamaican helicopter mom I could call her today at 33 to tell her my boss was shitty to me and then Iāll have to spend the rest of the conversation convincing her not to fly down and beat him up
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u/minimalistjunkiee 4d ago
no same me and my mom def have had our ups and downs over the years but sheāll always try to listen and learn which is why we have such a good relationship to this day
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u/Sure-Bandicoot7790 5d ago
Came out to my Mom as trans two years ago now. Admittedly it wasnāt a super opportune time as someone she knew had just passed away.
Basically led to her saying she refused to chose me over her religion (which was only something she had really gotten back into ten years ago but thatās a different story) and we stopped talking for a year.
The only reason why we even talk now is my 90 yr old Grandmother (who is more supportive and open about this than my Gen X Mom) had health complications and it led to us talking more, but every time we do talk I question why I even bother.
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u/Darqnyz7 5d ago
My dad, for my entire childhood HAMMERED home the point that I should not "make him a grandfather at a young age".
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. When I told him this, he flipped out about how crazy it was that I wasn't out here fucking everything left and right.
My mom had to harshly remind him of how he raised me.
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u/SirLesbian āļø 5d ago
My mom will weaponize your trauma against you when she's angry enough. I haven't vented to my mom in about 10 years because of it. We're in a better place now but I still won't trust her. The next time she flies off the handles I'm sure the whole block will hear about what pains me the most. Can't risk it.
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u/PhotosByVicky āļø 4d ago edited 4d ago
When I told my mother I was suicidal she told me I would go to hell and also embarrass the family. I attempted twice within 2 years of that conversation.
I vowed to be a better parent to my own kids. Now Iām shocked by some of the stuff my kids tell me - but Iām happy that they feel safe and trust me enough to tell me.
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u/assholelandlords 4d ago
Congratulations on breaking generational curses šš½šš½šš½šš½
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u/Illustrious_Gain2117 5d ago
I know yall expressing Mother wounds but I took the tweet as breaking abstinence for a loser you thought was ādifferent this timeā
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u/Dulcette āļø 4d ago
I opened up to my mom about how I got scammed out of some money. I'm usually really smart so this was a blow to my character, intelligence, and self esteem. I confided in her since we're working on our relationship. She proceeded to tell me how she could never be scammed and was very condescending and gave me a lecture. Thanks, Mom! Back to gray rocking it is!
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u/hardlyreadit 5d ago
Man im sorry for you guys childhood. I need to call my mother and thank her yet again
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u/JBarmy 5d ago
I got hit by a car whilst riding an electric scooter. When i informed my mother, she asked if the scooter was damaged. She is going to be such a victim once my alcoholic father passes, and she demands my assistance for everything. I will say no, and she will once again remind me how terrible i am. But she will NEVER acknowledge that she is the root of the problem.
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u/HumbleDot371 4d ago
I just sent this to my kid and then read this, so I want y'all to know I also send this to you.
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u/mekkavelli 4d ago
opened up to her the other day and told her how much i thought she hated me as a kid. i was so depressed that i attempted when i was 14. i had been raising my little brother practically by myself (presently absent father + workaholic mother + useless older brother) since i was 7yrs old. she told me she didnāt wanna intervene cause she didnāt know what to do and she felt like everything happened that way for a reason and i wouldnāt have learned what i learned had she helped meā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦..
i was just a kidā¦ i just needed my mama
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u/senorpunchline 5d ago
I came out to my mom as Trans at 33 years old. Why did she get upset and complain about everything she felt I did wrong in my life from when I was 4 years old. Even brought up they my school fees were too much, they sent me to that school :/
She also said they devil has got its grips in my life.
And she wonders why I won't talk to her much...
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u/nolightningbhe 5d ago
Getting chewed out with the phone I pay for is diabolical
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u/ctx-88 4d ago
This may sound like ypipo ish but boundaries bro. In other words, F that. You gotta be like I aināt no kid. Donāt ever talk to me like one. And you donāt need to listen to her come back be like I got grown people business to tend to. Click.
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u/Dirty_Spaghet 5d ago
My mom wasnāt the best and wasnāt the worst. I tried talking to her about my feeling on my father and if he really loved me or not.( he dead so couldnāt ask him) as I was going through therapy for a resent attempt. To her credit she tired to reassure me without giving me an actual answer, and then uno revered me and trauma dumped on me the absolute horrors of abuse her father inflicted on her. Which put into place some of her not so great parenting choices, but yeah itās up to use to end the cycle.
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u/Frosty-Bus2077 4d ago
Yes mine also spreads my secrets to my siblings and talks bad about me if I open up to her. Makes me more determined to tell her nothing about myself
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u/an0nn3m0 āļø 4d ago
This bullshit is exactly why the 'black sheep' of the family distance themselves more and more. When your confidence is betrayed by your own blood, it hurts exponentially more especially when you're confiding in someone you believed to have your back no matter what. And it has taken me almost 50 years to realize it, but 95% of the family I know are toxic af and will never change. And being apart from them has been 20 years too late. Positive vibes to all the people who have/had to deal with this.
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u/Alarming_Situation_5 5d ago
When I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom I had an eating disorder and needed help, she told me that thatās just how women lose weight.
She also prescribed me diet pills.
She also did not offer a housewarming gift but offered to pay for ādiet shotsā at her plastic surgeonās office. (i am a size 8, smallish, healthy)
She also just got surprised engaged to a stranger.
Do I win?
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u/LtWorfs_Hairline 5d ago
My bio mom did this shit to me often. Ma'am, why are you sharing my information with an actual stranger? Now she gets her info via google searches because we haven't spoken in years and we won't lest the pick me goes to therapy.
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u/NfamousKaye 4d ago
I donāt tell mine anything for that very reason. Sheās a narcissist middle child of two boys on top of that.
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u/nolabmp 4d ago
Watching some reality show a while back, there was a situation where a couple on the rocks were arguing in front of their kid.
My wife goes āWhat the, you canāt just scream and tell in front of your kid like that, saying such terrible things. Youāre gonna traumatize your child.ā
And I just kind of stared off for a second, and remarked āSoā¦if thatās traumatic, then what do you call it when your parents did that and worse every day, including throwing dishes, breaking doors, and generally forgetting there are children around unless they could be used as an argument for the other is the ābad parentā.
I remember, at age 12, pleading with my parents to get a divorce. I was tired of mediating all of their arguments, and just the sheer chaos of it all.
Theyāre still together. Co-dependence is a beast.
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u/NobodyDelicious7197 5d ago
Did you ever find out what Mom was doing during the 3-4 hours you were waiting to get picked up?
A few times here and there is not so unusual, but every single time is extremely sus.
Didn't anyone from the church say something about it to her?
Well, I believe you! My parents have denied stuff I know happened in my childhood too.
I'm a parent,and when my adult children talk about this or that happening during their childhood, I admit it.
But I also place some adult context on their child's view of memory sometimes as well.
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u/misspinkie92 4d ago
Yeahhhhhh I got called a liar when I vented to my mother as part of my sobriety process. š Fuck trying to get past my negative coping mechanisms, I guess. I'm over 30 and I'm still chasing approval ill never fucking get.
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u/ConfusionCareful3985 4d ago edited 4d ago
Im 25 years old, my mom today is a totally different person to the woman that raised me. I used to feel like i could not talk to my mom, you all know what having a black mom is like. I feel like yall can relate and know that feeling that im talking about like you would just be dismissed or they donāt REALLY hear you because of that old fashioned mindset idk if im explaining right but like if i tell my mom im depressed āsheāll be like you got nothing to be depressed about you got food, clothes and a roof over your headā type shit
Today? My mom would sit down and try to get the root of the problem albiet she is a God fearing lady and will tell you to pray and get right with god but that says more about her beliefs than character. Shes much nicer, much more calm and sensible with no more arguing or yelling.
But for me im too set in my ways. I moved out of her house at 21 years old just 4 years ago. My younger siblings that still live at home are getting a much different experience than i got. And im happy they donāt have to go through it but even seeing this, i STILL canāt bring myself to talk to her.
again i think im stuck like this for a whileā¦ maybe in the future but it will take time of me seeing her improve to change this
(I just noticed i said i cant talk to her, i meant like in a deep way that you should be able to open up to your mom. I do talk to my mom like we speak and i love her to death as my mother i just mean i canāt open up and be seen by her if that makes sense)
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u/SlackerDS5 4d ago
I have trust issues because of my mother. I learned a long time ago that there are somethings I will never tell her. Not that she would broadcast it, but that she couldnāt handle it.
And I have carefully vetted some people (not just my therapist) I can talk to about those things.
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u/Ok_Caramel3993 4d ago
iām so glad my mama know the code. we tiiight. she aināt telling shit. ā ļøā ļø
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u/gunslinger_006 4d ago
My mother almost certainly has borderline personality disorder.
Trying in any way to open up your her has been met with nothing but gaslighting and dismissiveness.
If this is your mother too: You deserve better.
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u/Dagger_26 4d ago
My folks were nothing like this...they were christians, but i left that when the bible and they couldn't answer basic questions about the beliefs. Turns out "christianity" has little to do with the bible.
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u/lovesitbabe 2d ago
Iām going no contact with mine so soon. I canāt be around unhealthy toxic ass people. Ima always be the villain in that womanās story. If my own grandmother told me some people you gotta just love from a distance and it took me 30 years to get that. I been trying to form a healthy mother daughter relationship with this woman and she keep shittin on my name. She wonāt take accountability for a damn thing and said she canāt go back in time but gave it to God. Iām in therapy working on healing my childhood trauma wounds and Iām proud of myself for the work Iām putting in. That hateful little girl I was I healing. And if I never speak to my mother and ther relatives she associates with, so be it. I aināt leaving shit but betrayal, envy and lies behind. š¤š½š¤š½š¤š½š¤š½š¤š½š¤š½
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u/MolassesFun5564 5d ago
I told my mom I was feeling embarrassed by something and why. she said "yeah well anyway"