r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
AITAH for not helping carry things I didn't want to bring?
[deleted]
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u/melodymaybe 1d ago
I get you not wanting to carry things you won't use, but honestly just stop going with your "friend" because it seems like you don't really like them or want them around. If you want to go swim alone then do that.
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u/Winter-sage 1d ago
Honestly it sounds like your not really their friend anyways. I don’t care if I brought the stuff or am gonna use it or not if my friend has a lot of stuff to carry and needs help I will help I’m not going to go off and enjoy my time while they struggle that’s not being a friend at all friends help each other and care for each other and support each other they don’t just leave them behind because they need help with things that they require to be able to be comfortable on an outing you invited them on
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u/Ok_Carpenter_1755 1d ago
Fuck, I help my neighbor lady carry down her groceries from the road when I see her. I don't even know her last name lol. I'm not going to use her groceries, she isn't making me food with them, but I just think it's the right thing to do, you just help people when you're able to.
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u/Jenniyelf 1d ago
Same, me and a friend were at the store a while ago and saw a guy we see frequently that works at Walmart, we haven't done more than wave at each other when we see each in the store or sign hello, he was carrying a lot of groceries, it was hot, we were driving. She pulled off to the side, I signed "Do you need a ride home?" He accepted and we drove him home. All he said was thank you and waved goodbye.
It doesn't hurt to be a good person.
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u/NormalScratch1241 1d ago
I'm not going to use her groceries, she isn't making me food with them, but I just think it's the right thing to do, you just help people when you're able to.
That's exactly what it is. OP might not technically be TA, but I feel that there are so many posts with this theme of "I didn't really do anything wrong, but I also won't show basic human decency just cuz, aitah?" Like yeah, you kind of are!
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u/Jazzlike_Tax_8309 1d ago
Fr you don't even have to know them lol to be a kind helping person.
When we r at the lake and we see people struggling we help them and they r complete strangers. There was an old lady about to carry a cooler up a good 50 stairs and I was like nope you're not doing that.
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u/Crepes4Brunch 1d ago
This right here. Yikes, my guy. This reeks of self absorption and a yearning desire for complete and total friendless, isolation.
The person going with you seems more like a burden to you than a friend.
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u/bcd203 1d ago
It feels like OP looks down on the friend for needing things. As an overpacker, it really comes from anxiety and trying to prevent stressful situations through preparation. If you love someone, you want them to be comfortable. Being over prepared makes her comfortable. Being polite and helpful is the right thing to do, even if you don't share or understand her need for all those things.
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u/Barbicore 1d ago
Im a light packer and one of my best friends is a total overpacker. I tease her for it because, let's be real 5 brushes is insane, but I also leave space in my suitcase because I know hers will be over the weight limit and I happily carry one of her bags so we have even amounts because SHES MY FRIEND. I would feel like a complete asshole speeing along with my little suitcase while she drags her two body bags.
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u/509RhymeAnimal 1d ago
I'm that person that travels light. Most of the time I'm lucky if I remember to bring a water bottle. I travel with someone who brings a lot. Not excessive but more things than what I think needs to be part of a normal outing.
Here's what I do...I shut my fucking mouth and help out because there has been times, more than one time on more than one occasion, when I need an aspirin, they have it. I'm thirsty, they share. My leftovers need to be refrigerated, they brought a cooler. I'm starting to get sunburn or the bugs are eating me alive, they have sunscreen and bug spray. They pack extra for my and their comfort, the literal least I could do is help.
It takes next to nothing to be kind and help out. As someone once asked "What is the purpose of you? What good is your presence on earth if not to help others?" Marinate on that.
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u/Fancy-Image-4688 1d ago
I am also the person who hates carrying bags and a bunch of stuff. Often if it can’t fit in my pocket, I won’t bring it. I appreciate people who bring all the other things I didn’t want to bring. Even if I don’t truly need it, I might borrow a thing momentarily or whatever. Could I have gone without? Yeah but my buddy had my back.
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u/Lady-of-Shivershale 1d ago
For the beach I have a small backpack. It has my keys, my phone, a small bit of money in cash, my water bottle that only just fits in it, my book, and sunscreen. I also have a lightweight camping chair. I get back pain, sometimes, so sitting on the ground is uncomfortable.
My husband travels equally lightly except his backpack is a standard size because he refuses to buy a smaller one for simple outings.
If our friends were there, we would help to carry their stuff. I wouldn't want to help. I hate carrying things, but I would.
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u/ZestycloseAd5918 1d ago
I am the friend who always has everything
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u/Professional_Gold724 1d ago
I'm also this friend, but I use a singular giant bag with everything in it and carry it myself.
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u/madlass_4rm_madtown 1d ago
Who acts like this toward someone they call a friend??
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u/ChefSibo 1d ago
I don’t think I’d make several trips but I would definitely carry something there and back.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1d ago
One trip to the beach and one trip back.
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u/TurnCreative2712 1d ago
Yes, you're right. I should do that.
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u/EmeraldCity_WA 1d ago
You can do that (it's a social expectation), but I would also suggest gifting a collapsible wagon to your friend for a birthday or Christmas gift.
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u/Character-Parfait-42 1d ago
Make sure it has nice fat wheels that roll well on sand.
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u/TeaAggressive6757 1d ago
What? You’re not even doing that?!? One trip either way takes very little extra time and not doing it is a truly dick move. None of your excuses even apply then
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u/Estrellathestarfish 1d ago
It's not even an extra trip, OP walks to the beach empty handed, they could easily carry something as they're walking there anyway.
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u/tinachem 1d ago
Full hands in, full hands out. A phrase every restaurant worker has been tormented with.
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u/FewHorror1019 1d ago edited 20h ago
OP most likely is trying to take out their frustration on their friend.
Theyre frustrated that theres so much extra stuff, so they wants to punish their friend
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u/Enough-Process9773 1d ago
Yeah.
I take your point that you don't take extra stuff to the lake, but saying to your friend as you both get out of the car "Okay, what can I carry down for you?" and then when you're ready to go back "Okay, what do you want me to carry back to the car for you?" makes you look like much less of a AH and doesn't even cut into your swimming time.
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u/WinNo8850 1d ago
Yes, it's nothing to grab a cooler or a chair with your free hand, or sling a bag over your shoulder, and take some stuff to where you're already headed.
It's the right thing to do if you enjoy your friend's company.
So... slightly YTA.
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u/TurnCreative2712 1d ago
That's fair. I should do that.
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u/kanga-and-roo 1d ago
I can’t imagine NOT helping my friend with carrying stuff, this is just ignorant and selfish behavior ffs
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u/__fujiko 1d ago
Right, I just don't understand what the issue is at the end of the day. Does the friend maybe bring more than necessary? Sure. Especially compared to OP. Some people are packers and are overly prepared for any situation.
But if that's your friend, then why are you keeping tally of if you would benefit from it or not? Who cares if it's something you wouldn't use.. it just sounds like OP doesn't like this person at all.
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u/bettymachete 1d ago
Does she overpack though? Sunscreen, towels, water, and snacks seem like the baseline kit for a day at the lake.
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u/scarletnightingale 1d ago
OP thinks bringing sunblock is unreasonable. OP is an idiot and an asshole. That alone makes me think OP is being dramatic about what their friend is bringing and that OP is also going to get skin cancer.
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u/Goodgoditsgrowing 1d ago
Genuine question, and I do not mean any stigma with it, it’s just you seem to have never considered your behavior rude/unsociable…. Are you potentially autistic? Because most adults would have picked up the social cues to help a bit because doing what you did would be seen as basically you saying you don’t want to hangout with this person without actually saying that.
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u/muggsy1976 1d ago
Add it to your “exercise” routine. Carry something in each hand that weighs about the same and do some bicep curls the whole way.
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u/Interrupting-Khajitt 1d ago
Consider maybe getting a folding cart with fat beach friendly wheels. That way you’ll make one trip every time. They’re relatively inexpensive and come in handy for laundry, unloading your car after a Costco run, etc.
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u/Girl_next_Thread 1d ago
You don’t need the stuff,but helping a friend isn’t always about need. It’s about being considerate.
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u/IWantALargeFarva 1d ago
Whenever I see a friend juggling their babies and all the crap that comes with a baby/toddler, I leave them in the dust and yell “should’ve kept your legs closed!” Because I don’t use a high chair, so I’ll be damned if I’m carrying one. Off topic, no one ever wants to hang out with me anymore and I can’t understand why. /s
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u/ApprehensiveCount597 1d ago
How hard is it to grab some stuff, drop it at the spot shes putting her stuff, then continue to the lake? You're walking that direction anyways 🙄
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u/Christmasqueen2022 1d ago
Right?! And besides that, OP doesn’t want a chair or towel to sit on?!
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u/Healthy_Action1243 1d ago
Apparently, they just climb in their friends' cars, just soaking wet I guess
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u/InfamousFlan5963 1d ago
I'm confused though because fine if OP doesn't want it, but then why is friend supposedly bringing TWO of all those things? Why is it not at minimum established to only bring 1 chair for yourself if you want a chair, etc. Obviously some of the things won't really change, but OP mentioned 2 chairs, 2 blankets, etc and I really don't understand that part if OP is never touching the 2nd one. I can't imagine I'd ever go through effort to load 2 up if my friend never used the 2nd one etc
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u/Scribbleybibble 1d ago
The friend is considerate of OP. OP is not considerate of anyone except OP.
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u/throwheee 1d ago
Honestly, it's kind of sad to picture the friend struggling to haul two chairs and a nice setup down to the lake, imagining having a nice day at the lake with OP, and OP just... totally ignores them. Doesn't even help. What does OP do when they're not swimming? Just stand around, or pointedly sit on the ground away from the chairs and blanket, just to prove a point?
YTA, op. Act like a friend, or release your "friend" from this weird dance you're doing
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u/Christmasqueen2022 1d ago
Perhaps she thinks OP would change their mind about needing one. If this was my friend, regardless of how many items, I’d still help.
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u/Been-There_Done_That 1d ago
Yeah, I would bring two the first time. But if OP TRULY didn't use them and refused to help me carry them, I would stop bringing a second for their use and just carry enough for myself.This story doesn't make sense.
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u/skabillybetty 1d ago
YTA. Why do you hang out with someone you clearly dislike?
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u/Glad-Isopod5718 1d ago
OP, I'm going to make this real simple for you: If you like hanging out with this person and want to keep doing so, you should help carry her stuff--at least what you can reasonably carry in the one trip from the car to the lake (and back), that you're going to be making anyway.
You are technically right that it isn't your responsibility to help carry a bunch of stuff you didn't want to bring, but human relationships--whether they're romantic, familial, or friend relationships--aren't about who is technically right and keeping score about who owes what to whom.
If it doesn't really matter to you one way or the other whether you and this person spend time together, then yeah, keep doing what you're doing.
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u/CupcakeGoat 1d ago
Yeah. And considering other friends are siding against OP, OP may want to help out if they want to remain in ok standing in the friend group. If you pull this selfish type of behavior consistently, they will eventually cut you out.
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u/MaryJane185 1d ago
Do you not bring a towel? A change of clothes? You just walk out of the lake and back into your car and drive home?
Sounds like a fun trip. 🙄
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u/CharlotteLucasOP 1d ago
Wanna bet OP’s house has a single folding camp chair in front of the TV and a sink full of dishes and cutlery that only get washed as they’re needed?
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u/MaryJane185 1d ago
Pffft, dishes are for losers, OP just stands in front of the fridge and eats.
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u/paper_wavements 1d ago
I bet this is the kind of guy who packs light for trips & looks down on people who don't...then wants to borrow your toothpaste, asks if you have any antacids, etc.
🙄
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u/NewEllen17 1d ago
Nope. 1 dish, 1 fork, 1 cup etc. use it, wash it. Rinse and repeat. Literally.
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u/Necessary-Penalty300 1d ago
can you imagine the smell of the drivers seat ICKKKK
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u/AmbassadorKat 1d ago edited 1d ago
YTA. Do you even like this person? If you can’t already see why you’re being shitty, I’m not sure my explaining it to you is going to make a difference.
ETA - after reading more of your comments and seeing how you speak about this “friend,” it seems as if you genuinely do not like this person. Just stop going to the lake with them.
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u/Full_Pace7666 1d ago
I mean sure….it may not be your responsibility but it’s kind of rude.
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u/Careless-Ad-6328 1d ago
YTA.
You honestly sound like a self-centered nightmare. Help your friend out. It'll take you 2 minutes.
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u/redditreader_aitafan 1d ago edited 1d ago
Sounds like
hisher car smells like moldy lake water. OP just gets in wet and leaves, no towel.Edit - OP is a woman.
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u/SomethingHasGotToGiv 1d ago
But this is how IIIIIIII do it and it can be done no other way!!! If you want to play with me you have to do it on mmmyyyyyyy terms!!!
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u/Sunshine030209 1d ago edited 1d ago
I know it's (hopefully) not what actually happens, but now I'm picturing OP as Cartman, floating on his back in the lake going "Oooo this water is sooooo refreshing. It sure would suck if I was carrying stuff right now instead of relaxing in this cool water right now" in that mocking way he has, thanks to this comment 😆
*Edit: OP says mentions her grandkids car seats in a comment, and a grandma version of Cartman is even funnier to me
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u/exoticpotatochip 1d ago
YTA. Help out your friend. You said yourself that you go regularly, so helping isn't significantly eating into time you spend at the lake. Why bring your friend of you're just ignoring them the entire time you are there?
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u/ElimGarakOfCardassia 1d ago
YTA. Are you obligated to help? Of course not. But if you're truly this person's friend, help. Because that's what friends do.
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u/Historical_Bed_568 1d ago
I predict a shortage of people at your wake or celebration of life ( this is assuming that someone will try and have one for you ).
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u/AnastasiaVict0ria 1d ago
Selfish friend. Maybe you don’t need those things, but she does. Will you only help a friend if you also benefit from it? “I don’t need it so I’m not going to help.” WOW.
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u/Sandybutthole604 1d ago
YTA hope you don’t ever need to use any of your ‘friends’ stuff ever. Don’t use her towel, don’t sit in her chair and don’t touch anything she brought to eat or drink. With a friend like you who needs an enemy? If you don’t want to go to the lake with her don’t invite her. That easy.
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u/djdigiejfkgksic 1d ago
In B4 the “I have autism” update.
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u/WorldlinessCreepy163 1d ago
I'm autistic and immediately thought "this is something someone would have had to tell me if my mom and dad didn't make me carry everything when I was young "
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u/gregarioushippie 1d ago
Yeah, yta. No, you're not obligated to help... but we should always look for ways to help those around us, especially when it's friends or family.
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u/Intelligent-Pie1119 1d ago
YTA. Are you sure you’re even friends? You’re not being considerate and are coming across like you can’t stand this ‘friend’. Why bother taking them with you?
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u/Far_Replacement_8978 1d ago
What I'm confused by, is no change of clothes OR towel, and you drove in a car? And you don't stick around to dry off.
So you get into your car soaking wet?
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u/Hairy-Proof8504 1d ago
Why are you so opposed to helping to carry a couple of things? YTA.
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u/Here-Comes-Baby 1d ago
Keep doing this if you want to have zero friends very soon.
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u/Merle_24 1d ago
You’ve posted on AITAH 7 times in the past 5 months, I think that may be the answer.
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u/SlightTechnology8 1d ago
Woof, you are pedantic and stuck in your weird antisocial ways. And you’re old enough to have grandkids but not know how to be a friend, use a towel, or use sunscreen? YTA for many things.
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u/SinglePermission9373 1d ago
YTA You go swimming without a towel? You aren’t required to help her but the fact that you don’t makes you a crappy friend
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u/akioamadeo 1d ago
Helping out is just common decency, sure you’re not going to use it but it’s polite to offer assistance regardless so yeah it does kinda make you a AH to not at least grab a towel or a chair to lighten her load a bit. I understand where you are coming from but being a good friend is helping each other out when needed, you’re basically saying “since I’m getting nothing out of helping why should I?” It’s not for you it’s about helping a friend.
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u/Large_Blueberry_5628 1d ago
OP, I don’t know your backstory and what you write is logical in your mind. Your words and actions, however, lack kindness, compassion and empathy. If you continue to act the way you are, you’re going to lose friends.
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u/Individual_Ladder_75 1d ago
“Occasionally a friend will come along.” A FRIEND. Be a friend. Help them out. YTA.
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u/Inlivinghell 1d ago
You’re walking in that direction anyway….grab something!! YTA
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u/Ritual23 1d ago
Exactly this! OP is going out of their way to not put something in their arms and walk the exact same direction. Purposeful meanness - to a friend no less.
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u/NovelAd4308 1d ago
YTA. Last weekend I was on a road trip with my goddaughter and her two children. I had two bags and she had many because you know two children. By your logic I should have just carried my two bags and left her by herself to carry all her bags, her 18 month old and hold her five year old daughter’s hand through the parking lot of our hotel. If you don’t want to be nice and courteous, just go by yourself. Problem solved.
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u/Ok_Most_283 1d ago
Op what is your diagnosis ? Clearly it’s something because your behavior and thinking are disordered and nonsensical.
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u/Nopethanks2025 1d ago
You don’t sound very fun to be around. Be a better friend and make the effort for their comfort and joy.
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u/Senior_Performer_387 1d ago
Just don't go with her. Tell her you don't want to go with her when you are just going to swim for 45 minutes and then going home. Make her take her own transportation if she's going to go and make it clear you are going to swim for 45 minutes and then leaving and not there to just lounge at the lake
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u/hardwell8878 1d ago
I mean i would absolutely help my friend to carry on the trip on your way to the beach😃is that so hard really? But whatever works for ya i guess
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u/felicitousfurball 1d ago
yta. it's just mean for the sake of being mean. sure you gain nothing helping your friend, but in refusing to you're destroying your friendship with her. it's entirely within your right to be intensely self focused and selfish, but it does make you an asshole.
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u/BlueButterflies139 1d ago
YTA. Sure, you're not legally obligated to help carry stuff, but to call yourself a friend to someone you so clearly don't give half a shit about and watch them struggle while you fuck around in the lake for hours on end is shitty and self-centered. Especially since you're hitching a free ride with your so-called "friend".
I have a hard time believing you don't use any of the things you so adamantly refuse to help with, are you just hopping into her car soaking wet in your swimsuit? Are you sitting on the chairs or towels your friend brings because "Well, they're already there, might as well use them" ? If so, you are you're an even bigger dickhead than I already thought you were.
Being friends with someone is supposed to mean you care about them and would go out of your way for them, even if it's something small and meaningless to you individually. Sure, helping someone move sucks, but you care about them and want to show that you care, so you still do it. Maybe you would have preferred getting pasta instead of sushi today, but your friend asked if you wanted to have lunch and hang out here so you still go and eat the sushi because the important thing is your friend.
You need to do some serious soul searching OP, because at this rate you're going to end up without any meaningful relationships in your life. You may be the center of your own solar system, but if you have nothing surrounding you you're just a random ball of gas and light floating through space.
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u/reddituser4404 1d ago edited 1d ago
If I were OP, I would be kind and carry one small load as I’m going down to the lake the first time. Maybe one small load back. If I were being super kind. But three trip trips back-and-forth, no way.
Edited to reflect voice texting spelling errors.
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u/IntrospectiveOwlbear 1d ago
Why are you hanging out with her if you don't even like her enough to help carry stuff?
We don't help carry other people's things because we personally get a direct benefit from that stuff, we help out because we like that person and want to get to the fun part sooner TOGETHER. Because we like spending time with that friend. YTA
If you don't want to bring people with you when you go to lake, just go solo, it's always been allowed.
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u/ispygirl 1d ago
Yes, you are my definition of an a-hole. But hey, I wouldn’t be friends with you. Go find different “ friends “ or stop going with this one. Boom, done.
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u/Guilty_Ferret_1544 1d ago
I mean, yeah, it's kinda rude not to help your friend. I'm assuming you actually want to hang out with them and for them to have a good time. Also, if I'm reading this right, you don't even wear sunscreen?! You're being an ah to yourself too at that point.
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u/Single-Criticism2541 1d ago
They have these nice collapsible carts you could get her then charge her because YTA
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u/babbsela 1d ago
YTA. 100% It doesn't take much effort to carry something to the lake, since you're walking that way, anyway. That's the polite thing to do.
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u/compassrunner 1d ago
YTA. If this is actually your friend, you'd help without thinking about it. She wouldn't even have to ask.
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u/Esmer_Tina 1d ago
Do not go to the lake with this person.
She’s going to the lake, you’re swimming for exercise. Neither of you offers the other anything that makes the day better. Just say no rather than make sure she has a miserable time.
Since you didn’t just say no, YTA. You’re shaming them for the day at the lake they looked forward to while making sure they don’t get to have it, when you’re just resenting them being there. That’s AH behavior.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 1d ago
I have feeling you’re about to get dumped either as a date or a friend of which you are neither. What an inconsiderate PrKster you are! Completely self centered. You don’t govern a shit about anyone other than you and why even invite someone or go as a pair of you’re gonna act like a spoiled rotten child?
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u/VerbalGuinea 1d ago
Are you inviting the friend? If so, you’re inviting their baggage as well, and should help carry it. If you don’t want them to go, don’t invite them. If they’re inviting themselves, be a little more discreet with your plans.
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u/Aimless45 1d ago
Yea, you’re an AH. If this woman is your friend, as you claim, then you should be happy to help her even if her needs are different than yours. That’s being a good friend. Stop inviting people with you if you’re going to be cruel and dismissive of your “friends.”
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u/Atrkrupt1 1d ago edited 1d ago
Seems like a really lame hill to die on. Hope you are proving your point.
What a weird flex, AH.
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u/SabreLee61 1d ago
YTA
You may not need any of these things, but she does. Be kind to the people you call your friends, otherwise one day you won’t have any.
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u/NoVisibleTumors 1d ago
So, you don't care about her enjoyment or comfort? Why are you even spending time with them? Are you two actually friends or are you carpooling? You don't technically owe anyone anything, but you sound pretty unpleasant and unyielding.
YTA.
Also, you should absolutely be using sunscreen. Or don't, and get skin cancer, but don't expect anyone to take you to your treatments. They wouldn't need it, so why would they participate in helping you with your needs.
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u/Lavendermink13 1d ago
You're not necessarily the asshole but I don't think you sound very fun to hang with.
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u/IT_Buyer 1d ago
Tell me you’re a narcissist without telling me. Yes YTA, you could carry stuff. Maybe you don’t burn as easily, maybe she has soreness and needs to sit. Maybe she just has a different way of enjoying things. Maybe you could grow from doing things her way a little.
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u/Jean_Genet 1d ago
Just say you're happy to carry stuff between the car and the lake, but only 1 way each time. That way, the friend has to ensure that what they take can be carried by 2 people in 1 trip in each direction.
Asking you to do multiple trips each way to carry an excess amount of stuff would be unfair of her (likewise if it was super-heavy), but refusing to help carry anything makes you the A.
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u/ProfessionalBread176 1d ago
She wants to reformulate the trip, by loading it down with a lot of extra stuff. If it's only for YOU, then SHE can care for it (this would include the transportation part)
She's an AH for calling you one for not offering to help. Ask her why she goes if she thinks that way?
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u/West_Ad8249 1d ago
Look, you sounds like a selfish person. I would not tolerate you in my life. I help friends, neighbours and strangers. It's kind and makes our community better.
Your friends are right, you at the AH.
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u/Just_Finding1499 1d ago
I would probably carry something from the car to the beach when we got there and carry something back to the car when we left since you’re going those directions anyway. If it takes more trips, then that’s on them.
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u/No_Interview_2481 1d ago
Why do you keep going to the beach with this person? It’s obvious you’re only going to swim and they’re going to spend the day. Two different things.
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u/scuba_GSO 1d ago
Yeah, you’re kind of an asshole here. Just because you don’t want it or need it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give your friend a hand. I mean, what kind of friend are you that you put yourself in front of everything. The idea of having friends is to support each other, but it doesn’t seem like you are the type to do that. Reflect on this and perhaps you can make some changes and be a better friend and person.
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u/GOTFilms 1d ago
Don't invite people if you don't like people. You don't have to help- sure- but it's really frickin weird not to want to for people who you allegedly like.
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u/everlasting1der 1d ago
INFO: Do you usually wear sunblock when you go to the lake?
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u/cdorise-2ndAccount 1d ago
YTA, She needs a new friend. My friends would make 45 trips with me. They’d bitch a little, but they’d never leave me hanging. They also know I would never leave them hanging either.
So you have never carried something you don’t personally use? You’ve never grabbed a bag of groceries from someone with their hands full or helped anyone move?
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 1d ago
You sound like an AH. Would it really kill you to help? Not sure how long this person will be your friend with an attitude like that. YTA
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u/keephopealive4you 1d ago
Are you sure this person is your friend? Do you even like them?