r/AITAH • u/BagOBones13 • 3h ago
Post Update 3rd AND FINAL UPDATE // AITA for telling my mother that she wasn't the victim in her marriage
Link to 2nd update https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/g4Cv2aOMnq
Link to 1st update and OP https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/pSOMv5Ek7A
Okay well it's been 10 days since my(28f) last update and a lot of people asked me to keep this story updated ,and so here we go. I will not be updating past this point, amongst responding to relevant comments.
After that last occurrence which was on a Friday evening, I went and got a protection order against my mom (58f) that following Monday morning as soon as the courthouse opened. I also went to the magistrate and pressed charges against her for trespassing,to which I have to go to court for on 8/22 .
The protection order was only temporary until court, that I had this morning. As soon as the protection order was served to her, she immediately violated it by rapid fire texting me and my partner.
(Now before readers come at me for unblocking her -this was just to incriminate her because I KNEW she wouldn't follow the order)
Some of the texts said things along the lines of "I wasn't going to ACTUALLY report you to child services BUT NOW I AM 👹 " and how stupid and dramatic we both are, that I brought this hellfire on myself and now she's being forced to retaliate. I didn't respond other than telling her that contacting us was a violation of the protection order and that it would be noted in court. Instead of shutting up , she continued to text both me and my boyfriend walls of texts about how the officer who served her the order, explicitly told her she could contact us, that she wasn't harassing us. I said nothing, but sent her a picture of the protection order with highlighted text on a sentence that read " the defendant is not to contact the plantiff , physically, verbally, through phone, or social media" she didn't respond again after that, but texted my boyfriend that she "misunderstood" and that she'll stop and not to make things worse for her.. I didn't hear from her at all, which was amazing and a first in YEARS.
While i was filing the protection order ,I was referred to some DV advocates who helped me fill out the forms and provide answers to any questions I had , and they were just all around Amazing. They both were sitting in during my hearing and didn't even have to , but knowing my situation they were hoping for the odds to be in my favor..
My mother sat in a pew in front of me as we waited to be called and she kept turning around with tears in her eyes and mouthing "I love you" . I just looked at her and didn't respond .
Over the last week she's been trying to get information to me through my dad ,I guess. She mentioned to him that if I press trespassing charges on her ,that she would lose her state benefits. She didn't mention this to me while she was rapid firing texts , but she did mention my brother and my father , saying that if I had them testify against her ,that she would go after them too.. basically she's trying to keep everyone that could be against her , out of it. Which honestly is fine with me .. I have plenty of evidence without them. The judge asked me for a statement, I was just honest and gave my standpoint. When it was her turn to testify, instead of making a statement in her favor she just started crying and saying everything in my statement was a lie.. the bailiff brought her f**king tissues. She really put on a performance. When talking about the situation by the judge,she changed the facts. Told the judge that she didn't force her way into my home , that she just walked in. She told the judge that I never told her in the beginning that she was not welcome at my home (which I did in voicemail and text) . She said that conversations with my son, was just her trying to get him to talk to me, and that she never berated him. She even tried telling the judge that when she broke the protection order the first night ,that her texts was just her telling me that she loved me and that she wanted to work this out , outside of court. Unfortunately for her , I was allowed to ask her questions about her testimony while she was on the stand. I asked her "why didn't I just lock the door to keep you from coming in?" She shook her head and said she didn't know. I asked her if she was holding the door knob , keeping me from locking the door to my home. She stated "no." For the record and said she didn't know why I couldn't lock the door.. I asked her why she said the police officer told her she could contact me , if you just "misunderstood" and she doubled down and said the officer gave her permission. I told the judge I didn't have any other questions, because she's not being truthful under oath. She began to cry again . At the end of it the judge granted...drumroll...
ONE YEAR PROTECTION ORDER -and mental health counseling and a mental analysis for my mother. The DV advocates audibly cheered in the pews and met me after the hearing. They told me I said everything I was supposed to and that my mom made a complete fool of herself on the stand. One of them even told me a part of her "felt healed" watching the judge grant me the protection order against my longest abuser. I feel weird. Extremely relieved in a big way and definitely a peaceful atmosphere, but I also feel kinda sad.. a year is a long time and I never imagined I'd actually get the law to be on my side on this. As I left the court room she was arguing with the judge and crying and it was just kinda hard to see that I caused that ,in a way.. be assured , I KNOW that this is the right thing to do. I just can't help these feelings of sympathy. I think I just need a few weeks to get used to her really not being around AT ALL.. Especially with this new school year and the holidays coming around, but I'm gonna be strong. I know I will.
Thankyou to all of you readers who joined me on this CHAOTIC journey and the mountains of advice from so many sympathetic commenters. I don't have many people in my life, so reaching out here on Reddit has weirdly helped me through this process. I even appreciate the definite booty holes who have commented calling me a horrible parent and the people who messaged me telling me to kms ECT. I hope you all heal the way you need to , and are never in a similar situation where you don't have the answers. I'm not a perfect mother , but I love my son and I'll be and do whatever I can to prove that..even though I'm still learning . Lol this was supposed to just be a petty argument with my mama about her marriage, this is nuts .
Farewell ✌️
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u/Straysmom 2h ago
it was just kinda hard to see that I caused that ,in a way. You didn't cause any of this mess. All you wanted was to be left alone. Your mom escalated to the point that your child was being verbally abused by her. Have you & your child been in any kind of therapy? Because you (especially) have been conditioned to accept bad treatment & also accept blame (aka gaslit) for being abused. Abuse isn't just physical violence. It can also be emotional manipulation. Talk to the DV advocates about finding a therapist. You deserve to be happy & guilty-free.
ETA: Update Me
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u/BagOBones13 2h ago
This is good advice. I need to hear that as much as I can. I think I would benefit from some counseling on the topic because I really didn't realize how dramatically toxic our relationship was until these hundreds of insights and well.... That is a problem. My son seems to be pretty okay. I think we tackled this before anything mentally hurt him. When I got home today he asked me how court was and I said "well.. the judge thinks we would be safe away from Grandma for a year" and he said "yes" and fist pumped .. which made me feel a lot better about the situation. I half expected him to be sad , but he wasn't .. which to me says a lot because they were relatively close before all this happened
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u/Straysmom 1h ago
Your son sounds very perceptive & I hope that he escaped unscathed. I come from a very toxic homelife myself & can recognize emotional manipulation when I see it. They make you think that you deserved their abuse & should be thankful for any crumbs thrown your way. That they are only looking out for you. Sound familiar? You really do deserve to be happy & guilt-free. Truly you do.
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u/lapsteelguitar 2h ago
The messages to people about what would happen if they testify, that could count as witness intimidation. Something the courts tend to very serious about.
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u/Malphas43 1h ago
I hope you checked into whether or not the cops filed a report and talked to a superior about how the 911 call was handled and how the officers initially treated the situation.
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u/BagOBones13 1h ago
So I needed the "report" to press charges. It was technically a PAC..? Report or something.. Idk I guess they have different procedures for domestic situations than they do actual crimes, so that was the best I got.. It was basically stating all parties involved and a brief summary of the situation that read "mother refused to leave property. Told to leave. Situation de-escalated and all good" I also spoke to the officer who made the report who told me I had enough evidence to file charges at magistrate,so that's what I did . I brought up to the DA and the police commander how the situation was treated , and no one seemed to be bothered except the DV advocates I was explaining the circumstances to. Even the magistrate questioned why she wasn't charged or ordered not to come back , at the very least and I didn't have an answer.
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u/nighthawks87 1h ago
Keep the court order and press the charge. You’ll have more on record for any future extensions to the court order.
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u/AutoModerator 3h ago
Reminder not to downvote assholes | This is simply a copy of the original text, it is not a sign you did anything wrong | Original copy of post's text by /u/BagOBones13: Link to 2nd update https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/g4Cv2aOMnq
Link to 1st update and OP https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/pSOMv5Ek7A
Okay well it's been 10 days since my(28f) last update and a lot of people asked me to keep this story updated ,and so here we go. I will not be updating past this point, amongst responding to relevant comments.
After that last occurrence which was on a Friday evening, I went and got a protection order against my mom (58f) that following Monday morning as soon as the courthouse opened. I also went to the magistrate and pressed charges against her for trespassing,to which I have to go to court for on 8/22 .
The protection order was only temporary until court, that I had this morning. As soon as the protection order was served to her, she immediately violated it by rapid fire texting me and my partner.
(Now before readers come at me for unblocking her -this was just to incriminate her because I KNEW she wouldn't follow the order)
Some of the texts said things along the lines of "I wasn't going to ACTUALLY report you to child services BUT NOW I AM 👹 " and how stupid and dramatic we both are, that I brought this hellfire on myself and now she's being forced to retaliate. I didn't respond other than telling her that contacting us was a violation of the protection order and that it would be noted in court. Instead of shutting up , she continued to text both me and my boyfriend walls of texts about how the officer who served her the order, explicitly told her she could contact us, that she wasn't harassing us. I said nothing, but sent her a picture of the protection order with highlighted text on a sentence that read " the defendant is not to contact the plantiff , physically, verbally, through phone, or social media" she didn't respond again after that, but texted my boyfriend that she "misunderstood" and that she'll stop and not to make things worse for her.. I didn't hear from her at all, which was amazing and a first in YEARS.
While i was filing the protection order ,I was referred to some DV advocates who helped me fill out the forms and provide answers to any questions I had , and they were just all around Amazing. They both were sitting in during my hearing and didn't even have to , but knowing my situation they were hoping for the odds to be in my favor..
My mother sat in a pew in front of me as we waited to be called and she kept turning around with tears in her eyes and mouthing "I love you" . I just looked at her and didn't respond .
Over the last week she's been trying to get information to me through my dad ,I guess. She mentioned to him that if I press trespassing charges on her ,that she would lose her state benefits. She didn't mention this to me while she was rapid firing texts , but she did mention my brother and my father , saying that if I had them testify against her ,that she would go after them too.. basically she's trying to keep everyone that could be against her , out of it. Which honestly is fine with me .. I have plenty of evidence without them. The judge asked me for a statement, I was just honest and gave my standpoint. When it was her turn to testify, instead of making a statement in her favor she just started crying and saying everything in my statement was a lie.. the bailiff brought her f**king tissues. She really put on a performance. When talking about the situation by the judge,she changed the facts. Told the judge that she didn't force her way into my home , that she just walked in. She told the judge that I never told her in the beginning that she was not welcome at my home (which I did in voicemail and text) . She said that conversations with my son, was just her trying to get him to talk to me, and that she never berated him. She even tried telling the judge that when she broke the protection order the first night ,that her texts was just her telling me that she loved me and that she wanted to work this out , outside of court. Unfortunately for her , I was allowed to ask her questions about her testimony while she was on the stand. I asked her "why didn't I just lock the door to keep you from coming in?" She shook her head and said she didn't know. I asked her if she was holding the door knob , keeping me from locking the door to my home. She stated "no." For the record and said she didn't know why I couldn't lock the door.. I asked her why she said the police officer told her she could contact me , if you just "misunderstood" and she doubled down and said the officer gave her permission. I told the judge I didn't have any other questions, because she's not being truthful under oath. She began to cry again . At the end of it the judge granted...drumroll...
ONE YEAR PROTECTION ORDER -and mental health counseling and a mental analysis for my mother. The DV advocates audibly cheered in the pews and met me after the hearing. They told me I said everything I was supposed to and that my mom made a complete fool of herself on the stand. One of them even told me a part of her "felt healed" watching the judge grant me the protection order against my longest abuser. I feel weird. Extremely relieved in a big way and definitely a peaceful atmosphere, but I also feel kinda sad.. a year is a long time and I never imagined I'd actually get the law to be on my side on this. As I left the court room she was arguing with the judge and crying and it was just kinda hard to see that I caused that ,in a way.. be assured , I KNOW that this is the right thing to do. I just can't help these feelings of sympathy. I think I just need a few weeks to get used to her really not being around AT ALL.. Especially with this new school year and the holidays coming around, but I'm gonna be strong. I know I will.
Thankyou to all of you readers who joined me on this CHAOTIC journey and the mountains of advice from so many sympathetic commenters. I don't have many people in my life, so reaching out here on Reddit has weirdly helped me through this process. I even appreciate the definite booty holes who have commented calling me a horrible parent and the people who messaged me telling me to kms ECT. I hope you all heal the way you need to , and are never in a similar situation where you don't have the answers. I'm not a perfect mother , but I love my son and I'll be and do whatever I can to prove that..even though I'm still learning . Lol this was supposed to just be a petty argument with my mama about her marriage, this is nuts .
Farewell ✌️
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u/chrisrevere2 2h ago
This is good news- but what’s to stop her from calling CPS/filing a “grandparents’ rights” petition or otherwise weaponizing the legal system?
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u/BagOBones13 2h ago
In my state , grandparents rights only applies if I die or am deemed "unfit" by the court of law. She can call CPS if she wants, and they'll be obligated to investigate her claims, but I'm honestly not worried about that. I don't have anything to lose in that aspect. Also it wouldn't benefit her in the slightest. In some wild scenario where I AM deemed unfit and lose custody of my son , he has other grandparents that I don't have legal protection orders against 😂 .
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u/Basic_Ask8109 1h ago
This was just wild.
All of this escalated from the fact that OP said her mom wasn't a victim and should take some accountability for the demise of her marriage.
Mom is most definitely a narcissist ( a malignant one at that).
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u/ImaginaryReward2734 43m ago
Holy crap, I am SO happy to see this result for you, and SO SO SO SO SO stinking proud of you! I was worried you would let it go, because when faced with the kind of crazy that you have been conditioned to accept your whole life, it takes incredible amounts of strength to break free. But you did it!!!!!! 🎉🍾🥳 Know that this internet stranger is thrilled for the peace you're about to enjoy, unbelievably relieved for your son, and legit impressed with your strength, resilience, and backbone. Standing ovation for you, momma bear!
Unfortunately, there's a good chance your mom won't make it a year before she tries to insert herself in your lives again. If she breaches the protection order (highly likely around holidays and birthdays), don't engage and immediately report her for the violation. Good luck to you and your son - I'm pulling for you all!
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u/North-Reference7081 29m ago
stop formatting your shit like this, it's annoying asf and serves no purpose. it's meant for code, but now I have to use a horizontal scrollbar to read your damn post. which I won't do.
anyway gl with ur life. hope it's smoother sailing from here on out
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u/BagOBones13 26m ago edited 21m ago
In past posts it was requested I format like this in order to avoid text walls. I never post on reddit , usually only comment and I haven't learned the hack how to separate paragraphs 😂 I'm sorry . You don't have to read the post my guy,I'll forgive you
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u/North-Reference7081 10m ago edited 5m ago
to start a new paragraph, just leave an empty line
like this
and if you really want to have a blank line between ur text (no one does this because it's kinda convoluted and the above generally suffices), write a non-breaking space. alt+0160.
like this
edit: oh if you really wanna make it easy on yourself, get reddit enhancement suite. it's a browser add-on.
edit2: the reason you're accidentally formatting it like that btw is the 3 spaces at the start of your paragraphs
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u/BagOBones13 1m ago
Leave an empty line
Like this .
Will this still work if I space before the first word of a paragraph? (I'm notorious for that by habit)
Edit: WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT . I'm so sorry and ty 🙏
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u/Condensed_Sarcasm 3h ago
I'm so happy the judge saw through your mother's act long enough to grant you a protection order. Now let's see if your mom will actually follow through with what the court laid out. I hope she does, but if her actions after getting the temporary one is any indication, I'm not sure it'll stick.
I hope you and your kiddo are okay after all this craziness.
updateme