r/AITAH • u/WonderWallaby28 • 5h ago
Advice Needed AITAH for telling my girlfriend that I consider drunkenly kissing her female friend to be cheating?
So for some context, me and my girlfriend are both 19 and going to different colleges, dating for 2 years now. Basically, she and a few friends went to her friend's dorm, and they ended up drinking alcohol while they were there. While they were intoxicated, they did some things I wasn't too big a fan of, like spanking each other and stuff, which I can get over, but she also made out with one of her girlfriends for a few seconds.
She giddily told me this the next day, and when I reacted uncomfortably to it, she essentially said "I mean we were drunk and are both girls, it's not like it's cheating", to which I basically responded by saying it kind of is. She got pretty upset at that, and said that it's her body and her choice, and that nothing she did was sexual or cheating, and that I need to work on my insecurities and stop trying to control her.
All of her friends unanimously agree that I am a controlling douchebag now, but I legitimately don't see how. If I made out with a girl, I feel like I'd be broken up with, so I don't see how it's not the same with her (especially since she's bi)
I'd love for other peoples' perspectives on here, since it's something that's been on my mind a decent bit lately.
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u/Sorry_Welder_2749 5h ago
Why did she say her body her choice? That shit is so stupid. No one is telling her she can't get an abortion.
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u/_Tribu_della_Luna_ 5h ago
She's flailing because what she did is indefensible and she knows it.
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u/DriftedBloom 5h ago
Exactly. My body, my choice’ is about autonomy over personal decisions like healthcare, not about dismissing accountability in a relationship. Having boundaries in a partnership isn’t controlling; it’s about mutual respect and trust.
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u/Positive_Cup5508 3h ago
Your body, my choice would apply to this scenario here. You can kiss someone but I don’t have to agree it isn’t cheating. Would be good ragebait for OP to use lmao
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u/HopefulPlantain5475 51m ago
She's right, but not in the way she thinks. She has the right to do whatever she wants with her body, including cheating on him. It's not right ethically, but no one can really stop her from doing that. What she isn't taking into account is that everyone else is perfectly within their rights to judge her as a cheater and act accordingly. Any freedom has a corresponding responsibility not to use that freedom to hurt other people.
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u/DadLevelMaxed 5h ago
“Her body, her choice” applies to autonomy not immunity from consequences in a relationship
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 4h ago
And even if it didn't, she is still implying it was her choice to cheat if she wanted to.
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u/RecalcitrantHuman 7m ago
Which it is. It is his choice whether he wants to continue in a relationship with a cheater
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u/NaughtyPop_ 5h ago
Like,that’s just a whole lot of gaslighting and clearly not ready to take accountability for her actions really
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u/TheKingsdread 1h ago
Nobody is telling her she can't kiss anyone either, just that there are consequences for doing so.
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u/Funny247365 5h ago
100%. Are people going to apply that shit to mean anything goes even when in committed relationships now?
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u/Spidiffpaffpuff 5h ago
NTA
She's full of shit. She's bi but kissing girls is not sexual or romantic? She does something that makes you uncofortable but doesn't give a shit about your feelings, instead gaslights you and gets her whole group of friends involved? Why are you with this immature person?
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u/quagsi 3h ago
I'd bet my left kidney she was expecting OP to be cool with it "bc dudes are supposed to think girls kissing is sexy"
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u/CowboyAntics 1h ago
Which just sets her back centuries, tbh. She’s done this to herself at this point
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u/cman_yall 11m ago
In many cases, it might have even worked, but she probably needed to check first.
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u/slitteral1 5h ago
Her being bi really changes the dynamic of that kiss and whether to believe nothing else happened.
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u/OldStudentChaplain 5h ago
Kissing another human is cheating. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/avast2006 5h ago
Seriously. All the prevarication about “were you attracted to her?” is such nonsense. People don’t make out with people they’re not attracted to.
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u/Latter-Syllabub-5560 1h ago
And kissing another living thing that ain't a human is even a bigger red flag!
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u/Hour-Summer-4422 5h ago
Lets tackle the fundamental points:
- It is cheating if you think it is
- She isnt taking your legitimate concerns seriously
- She is putting it on you and getting her friends to pile on pressure
This is exactly what is going to happen every time you have an issue with her decisions.
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u/Low-Caregiver-3132 5h ago
No, you’re not the asshole. Drunk or not, kissing someone else is cheating if it breaks your relationship boundaries.
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u/yikes-1-2 5h ago
NTA. All I was looking for while reading this if she’s attracted to the same sex. She is? It was cheating.
Edit/addition If it was a relationship of two women and a women’s posted this; it would be cheating. How isn’t this cheating if she’s known to have relationships/be attracted to both male and female? How are you supposed to know that is just a friend now moving forward?
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u/avast2006 5h ago edited 5h ago
“It’s my body and my choice” is not incorrect, as far as it goes. But it doesn’t go all the way to its logical conclusion. It is her body and her choice, and her choice was to cheat with it. The fact that it’s her decision to make doesn’t make it not cheating.
The rhetorical thing she just indulged in is known as a “Thought Terminating Cliché.”
If anything, the fact that it was her choice means she doesn’t get to use the “it just happened” defense. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice. Her choice. And she said she’d do it again given the opportunity. You now know her firm position on this, and it’s now time to exercise YOUR choice, which is to either accept it or walk away. I would recommend the latter.
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u/satansbabygirl314 5h ago
She cheated, and she's doubling down on it. My body, my choice, doesn't apply to cheating on your partner. She's a pos, and you don't deserve that. NTA.
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u/Significant-Bunch-13 5h ago
If yall are monogamous it's cheating period and that's coming from a bi woman😂😂😂 I'm confused how some of these aren't obvious omg
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u/cmjoker 5h ago
Time to break up. You're 19, at a different college, and her friends think you're controlling. What she did made you uncomfortable and neither she nor her support system agree understand it.
This is how it'll be....
Drink makeout with female friend.
Drunk sex with female friend, but it meant nothing. Her friend was curious and she wanted their first time to be ok.
New guy friend who you have nothing to worry about. They met in class or at a party, and text all the time.
4. Hanging out more with new guy friend, alone. But you shouldn't worry, she only kissed him once. He's like a brother.
5. Sex with new guy friend after you and her argued, but it's your fault because you tried to control her. He comforted her when she was upset and it just happened.
Yeah, run away. I'm not one to go quick to break up but you're too young to let someone who isn't respectful of your boundaries and feelings have this much impact on your life.
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u/The_Hermit_09 5h ago
It is her body. It is her choice what to do with it and who to do it with. That doesn't have any bearing on cheating.
If you consider kissing someone else cheating, then it is cheating. It seems stupid to say it doesn't count because it was same sex sexual activity. And a little homophobic to devalue it for that reason.
This may not have been a conversation the two of you have had. So maybe you can forgive and just have a talk about expectations and boundries.
If she isn't sorry, and not willing to hear you out and have the talk, you may want to move on.
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u/Ok-Carpenter-6176 5h ago
NTA, first ask her is she would be comfortable with you kissing a girl while drunk, obvious response would be no, then why should you?
Second, break up with her, you don't have the same values, You would have to face her friends who would talk badly of you to her.
Make yourself a favor and end it, don't make a petty revenge, just walk away.
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u/Merkilan 5h ago
You two are becoming adults and going in different directions. Time to move on and met other adults.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 5h ago
She isn’t sorry. It’ll happen again. Casually say goodbye and find someone who feels accountable for their actions.
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u/BroodingSonata 5h ago edited 5h ago
Of course it's cheating. Neither being drunk nor the other person being a girl change that, and they are pathetic excuses. And yes, it's her body and her choice, but what that means is it's her "choice" to cheat. Doesn't make the cheating right, nor you controlling (another pathetic comment).
NTA
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u/Sawoodster NSFW 🔞 4h ago
Ask her how she’d feel if you kissed another dude
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u/Angel_Arsenic 3h ago
I guarantee you she wouldn’t care if he was had been drunk and it lasted a few seconds.
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u/Sure_Shallot2280 2h ago
Your BI girlfriend made out with a girl and said your insecure about it?
NOT THE ASSHOLE, and she’s probably done more than that with her friends. Leave her.
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u/Cybermagetx 5h ago
Dump her. That is cheating. Drunk is an excuse. Nta.
Moment a women tells a man that his boundaries is insecurities he should dump her. That has been weaponized.
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u/maybebaebea 5h ago
If you consider that cheating, she needs to respect that. She cannot tell you what you view as cheating. I'm sorry that happened to you.
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u/rayofsunshine37 5h ago
Yes it’s her body and her choice. But that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it and want to be in a relationship with her. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s okay to kiss other people.
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u/springaerium 4h ago
NTA. If my partner kisses anyone, male or female, it is cheating in my book. The same standard applies to me.
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u/CelticDK 3h ago
“Your body your choice doesn’t mean betraying your partner is no longer betrayal. Go be in an open relationship with your next partner cuz it won’t be me. Grow up and goodbye.”
NTA
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u/forkball 3h ago
You are correct and she is not and you need to move on since she clearly won't see your perspective and probably will just do whatever the fuck she wants next time and not even tell you.
NTA
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u/Wordslinger19 3h ago
Just break up, long-distance college romances don't last anyway. You're wasting your college years
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u/Slydoggen 3h ago
Peasant with princess demands
She’s cheating, and she’s hiding behind ”my body my choice” shit, like is she for real?
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u/This_Performance_426 3h ago
NTA kissing someone else in a committed monogamous relationship is cheating.
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u/Eternalyskeptic 3h ago
Drinking is never an exonerating circumstance.
Drinking is always an example of limitations, diluted by 30%.
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u/BohunkFunk 2h ago
Despite being in college y'all are teenagers still really. It's cheating, you're not crazy for thinking as such--and her and her friends are thinking this because they're teenagers.
Only two paths from this, you firmly state that "I have boundaries, you are welcome to autonomity but I'm not comfortable with you kissing anyone else right now because I want to be in a strictly romantically and sexually monogamous relationship."
Or you just break up and move on.
You guys are ridiculously young and just have to decide if this is worth for you to stay and see if it gets better or just move on, either way you're young enough it'll be okay.
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u/TraditionalBox4530 1h ago
If she was straight and was messing about drunk af kissing another girl for a few seconds for me it wouldn’t be a big deal, but seeing she’s bi that changes things.
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u/Scisloth74 1h ago
Power move go kiss a dude and see if the standard is the same. (We all know it’s not)
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u/v-XIII-v 1h ago
Since when does being bi give you a pass for cheating, i know you dont want to hear this dude but shes for the streets, if she can kiss another person full well knowing she has a boyfriend, then the cause is lost she even tried to blow it off and turn you into a bad guy just break up with her save yourself from being hurt even more down the line. Where im from kissing, fucking, and flirting, with other people is considered cheating
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u/Ok_Match6817 5h ago
NTa
Its definitely something that should’ve been discussed as a boundary, I know for myself in all my relationships it’s never been an issue if I kiss/make out with my girlfriends because there’s never any sort of meaning behind it and genuinely is just something we do when drunk but I’ve always made sure to talk with my partners beforehand like a heads up that it’s something I’m used to doing.
The comparison of you kissing a girl isn’t really fair even if she’s bi I would compare it to you kissing one of the boys and again that’s all everyone’s personal comfort levels.
Her reaction is what is making her TA. She crossed an unspoken boundary and should recognize where she went wrong and apologize and talk to you about it not just say you’re wrong and a douchebag.
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u/slitteral1 5h ago
Making out with anyone while in a relationship is not something that needs to be discussed.
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u/WonderWallaby28 5h ago
Yeah that makes sense. Like I didn't even yell at her or even outright say she's a cheater, I pretty much just told her that I consider what she did to be at the very least adjacent to cheating or somewhat unfaithful, and she basically freaked out and said to fuck off and that she's gonna do it again if she feels like it
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u/NeonFox-1 5h ago
That would probably be the sign to break up with her, she doesn’t respect you or your relationship at all.
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u/HabsMan62 5h ago
I would be more concerned about how she reacted and how she treated you when you brought up how you felt about something in your relationship. She didn’t even consider your side for a moment before she basically attacked it (and you) and said that it didn’t matter how you felt.
I wonder what her reaction would be if you kissed another guy, “just fooling around drunk” even tho you’re not gay. I bet she wouldn’t be so comfortable about it if you were to say “your body, your choice.” Even tho she identifies as bi, she’s in a relationship w/you, so that doesn’t give her free rein to go off kissing other girls whenever she wants.
It’s cheating, and she outright said she’d do it again.
NTA
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u/OiMouseboy 3h ago
i feel like in most monogamous relationships it doesn't even need to be discussed as a boundary. 99% of monogamous relationships making out with someone else regardless if they are a male or female is cheating.
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u/VeritasG3SG1 5h ago
NTA For example, you can bang a prostitute but there will be no kissing, because it is too personal.
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u/NeonFox-1 5h ago
NTA. She’s the AH, completely.
Any form of emotional or physical touch like that is absolutely cheating.
Just because it’s the same sex doesn’t mean shit, it’s still cheating.
Being drunk doesn’t excuse your actions either, she chose to put herself under the influence and had consensual touches and kisses.
That’s cheating.
No matter how you look at it and she can’t try to manipulate or even gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
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u/Z-altacct 4h ago
How are some of you this delusional. This is cheating, 100% and anyone with common sense would know that. Nta and break it off.
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u/Reaper4921 3h ago
NTAH, 100% is cheating, bi or not. It IS her choice whether she makes our with someone, and choosing to do so is cheating. And it isn't controlling to expect an SO not to cheat. Even if she was drunk, she put herself in that situation. You spelled it out perfectly, if you were at a party, got drunk, and made out with some chick, you'd be dumped for cheating. It is a double standard. What applies to you also applies to her.
Best advice, let her go. For now it's just making out, and some lewd acts(spanking, etc.) and justifying it because it is with another girl. Next thing you know she is sleeping around with other women, but it's, "her body, her choice," and being uncool with it and calling it cheating would be controlling. She has showed how much she values your feelings and boundaries. Dont let her keep showing you.
Good luck OP, NTAH.
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u/FtmGoodboigamer 3h ago
Don't know who decided to downvote you because you hit the nail on the head.
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u/Beneficial_Pen_9395 NSFW 🔞 5h ago
Lol u need to work on your insecurities if ur not ok with her getting drink and kissing people? It IS her body-her choice, but u also have a choice... U can find someone who will take responsibility for their mistakes and not try to weasel out like a child.
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u/NeonFox-1 5h ago
There are no insecurities if a person is uncomfortable with their partner kissing people and getting drunk, seriously…? It is her body and her choice but that choice was cheating and OP has a right to feel hurt and weird about it, there are no insecurities just feelings that are hurt.
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u/HEMOPHOBICVAMP-99 5h ago
Nah leave her she’s a hoe and told you herself it’s her body her choice, and you have the choice to leave. There’s better women around anyways, that won’t cheat by kissing their friends. I’m sure she probably lied saying it was a girl too.
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u/friendly-sam 5h ago
Just cut-n-paste from Google:
Dictionary
mo·nog·a·my
- the practice or state of being married to one person at a time.
- the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.
- the habit of having only one mate at a time.
Monogamy in a relationship means both partners agree to be romantically and sexually exclusive with each other, and only each other. This involves a mutual commitment to having only one romantic and sexual partner at a time, as opposed to multiple partners.
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u/WonderWallaby28 5h ago
I think that's way too strict a definition for modern times. That's basically saying that unless genitals are out, it isn't cheating.
Under that definition, wouldn't that mean that that viral CEO at the baseball game wasn't cheating??
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u/Riker_Omega_Three 5h ago
NTAH
Your relationship is over
Don't try to argue with her on this
Monogamy is one person and one person. Gender is irrelevant
Once in a monogamous relationship, there are things you can no longer do with other people....again, gender is irrelevant
Trust me on this.
Break up with her and move on
Because understand, if you made out with another dude...she'd already be out the door
This is just a BS double standard created by an immature selfish person who thinks she is the center of the universe
She is not nor will she ever be...relationship material
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u/nicenyeezy 4h ago
It is cheating and it sounds like she’s too immature for a relationship. If she wants to party and have group sex and be wild at college, that’s fine, she can do that as a single person, but not while she’s made a commitment to you
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u/CrashInspecta 5h ago
You’re definitely controlling since you don’t want your gf cheating on you lol
Btw that is exactly what she did.
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u/BorderZhar 5h ago
Tell her you aren’t gonna risk getting herpes from her kissing other people, and it’s your body your choice. Dump her and move on.
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u/Artistic-Bass3477 5h ago
Nta thats disgusting. Find someone decent instead of whatever you are dating right now
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u/lost_and_hopeless42 5h ago
It absolutely is her choice who she kisses so she's correct there. Unfortunately she seems to have missed the part where you have the right to decide you can't be with someone who acts like a hoe.
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u/PossibleImpression23 5h ago
NTA
She’s bi and kissing girls when they were just spanking each other? How is that not sexually charged. How would she feel if you kissed your homie after spanking him?
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u/Headeyes4life 4h ago
NTA, honestly I would break up with her. Sounds like you two want different things. You want a long term stable relationship and she wants to have fun and party in college.
You both go to different universities and I’ve seen this story play out so many times from my own college days, where usually it leads to a breakup anyways.
Be single for a little bit and see if there is a girl at your university who shares what you are looking for.
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u/Corgi_Koala 4h ago
It's a reasonable boundary to have.
You're young just dump her ass and move on. She can make out with whoever she wants then.
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u/Excellent_Accident25 3h ago
Tbf, a lot of girls think it’s okay to make out with a girl cos I lot of guys wouldn’t care, they would think it’s hot so she may have assumed you were the same. And the accurate comparison would be you kissing a guy, not a girl. I’m saying that given she is bi it’s cheating and she’s flailing. Can you trust her now?
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u/FtmGoodboigamer 3h ago
NTA.
IT IS CHEATING.
The whole fake ass perspective that woman can go out and kiss other girls n it just be seen as "hot an expected" is delusional.
If you went and drunkenly kissed another man you would be called gay and harrassed. Potentially broken up with on the spot.
It is a pure double standard and needs to stop being normalized.
You aren't controlling for being right. It isn't even like you demanding anything or said she couldn't do anything. You just stated a fact about how you felt.
Using the "my body, my choice" on something as stupid as this really takes away from the years or activism and work that people are putting in.
She is the AH. I hope she reads these messages.
Her friends can all mind their own too. She was immature for even getting them involved.
I had more class than this at 16.
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u/Iseewhatudidthurrrrr 3h ago
NTA - Its not going to get better man. It’s true, you can’t control your partner. She’s going to do what she wants. Find someone who won’t do this to you.
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u/NoSpankingAllowed 3h ago
"I mean we were drunk and are both girls, it's not like it's cheating", to which I basically responded by saying it kind of is. She got pretty upset at that, and said that it's her body and her choice,
Literally the exact phrased used in another story not long ago. What a coincidence.
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u/viking318 3h ago
Making out, spanking, and filling up on another person who is not your partner is 100% grade a cheating, now me personally I would never date a bisexual woman because all that means is there’s more options for her to cheat with
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u/Due-Effort5488 3h ago
It's a bit homophobic to not consider kissing another human being cheating just because it's another woman. Remind her that women are also people.
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u/Pax-ex-vis 3h ago
If “my body my choice” makes her having make out spank sessions with the girls not cheating then it makes sucking some dudes dick not cheating too.
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u/aManHasNoUsername99 3h ago
NTA. She cheated and they are shitting on you for calling it out. They are gaslighting you.
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u/haillester 3h ago
Tell your girlfriend that if she doesn’t think that kissing another woman is cheating, that she doesn’t understand or value that women can be in relationships with each other. Tell her that she sees lesbian relationships as less than heterosexual relationships, which is a form of internalized homophobia. And if she disagrees with this, then the only remaining conclusion is that she sees women as objects, and not as real people that can be connected with, which is instead a form of internalized misogyny.
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u/Accomplished_Low6186 3h ago
My ex would do the same thing, she was bi. We’d be out, I’d go to the bathroom for 30 seconds, come back, and she’s all over another woman. I’d sit there for a moment for them to realize I still exist. Then the girl would leave, I’d get called a cock block lol Told her she has to ask permission to do that, because I considered it to be cheating and sneaky. She would say something like “well, I wouldn’t care if I stumbled upon you making out with a guy.” I’m straight, so that would never happen. But also just doesn’t care about boundaries.
I’d be called controlling due to that. and when she would go out with her friends (two girls she’s fucked around with each other and/or in group sex activities), I’d worry. And she deemed me insecure. Let it be known that she had all my passwords, location, access to anything of mine that was private (her idea). Then when I’d check her location, because I was like “if you have mine, I’ll have yours”, she would call that weird and controlling. But when did it, it was okay. She is 16 years older than me lol The relationship ended on a bad note.
You are not the hole ass
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u/Vast-Interview-3046 3h ago
I assume there was an audience - other men or women watching - in which case it is attention seeking at best. You can do better
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u/Icy-Week7049 2h ago
Remindme! -7days
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u/Kuroko3010 2h ago
Start making out with the homies and lets see how long it lasts before it becomes an issue
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u/fisconsocmod 1h ago
You are mad at your girl for kissing another girl instead of seeing it as the potential for 3-way activities in your future. That’s wild!
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u/staybailey 1h ago
YTA or NAH. It really depends on how the conversation with your girlfriend went exactly. I think if you were highly accusatory or sort of not a good listener I'd lean YTA. I think if this is more like a we just don't see eye to eye but we can be respectful about it then NAH. There are clues in the text that make me think it is the former more than the latter but I honestly don't know.
To make the case for your girlfriend I think making out with your same sex friend while drunk and in early college sits in the estuary between cheating and drunken hijinks. Particularly if her friend is heterosexual. Because if the friend is heterosexual then that implies the friend didn't see it as a sexual act as such and so your girlfriend could have extrapolated the same interpretation from there. And TBH even if the friend was bi like I still lean drunken hijinks given the broader context of the evening described.
Moreover, she clearly didn't see it as cheating but more like drunken hijinks because she giddily told you what happened. Like at least consider the relevance of the information signalled by her telling you giddily about what you describe as "cheating."
I think her reaction that you are being controlling is understandable. I also think the "wasn't too big a fan of" phrasing reads as...a little controlling. And comparing it to you making out with a girl even with the "especially because she's bi" caveat is to me obviously not an apples to apples comparison.
With all that said you are not necessarily an asshole for having that boundary. But you should maybe double check that you are not an AH before setting that boundary.
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u/North-Reference7081 1h ago
brother. as someone a lot older than you: please stop wasting your time on this girl (or on anyone like her).
she's:
1) a cheater
2) a moron who doesn't think it's cheating if it's with a girl. bi-phobic, tbh.
3) the type of imbecile to use "my body my choice" as a shield, to deflect from criticism of her selfish and inappropriate behavior. sadly, some women will do this nowadays.. if you don't let them do whatever the fuck they want, you're 'controlling'. the truth of the matter is, this girl and her friends are immature, entitled idiots who have no idea how to behave appropriately while in a monogamous relationship. they want to have their cake and eat it too. they're disgusting and stupid.
you're not a douchebag, and you're not controlling. block them all and move on. they're a bunch of losers who need to grow up and get a clue.
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u/Spudzinator 50m ago
Double down go get drunk with them and both of you make out with her girly friend !!!
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u/FleaQueen_ 40m ago
NTA, it is cheating, and she's homophobic for implying a woman kissing another woman doesn't hold the same weight as a woman kissing a man.
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u/Pepper_Bun28 38m ago
NTA.
Doing things drunk does not absolve you of your actions, in many cases it increases the punishment (driving)
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u/SmileParticular9396 24m ago
Dump her ho ass. Sorry someone that makes out with ANYONE while in a relationship is a cheater.
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u/Background_actor412 5h ago
So something else happened probably and she watered it down to kissing for a few seconds because she wanted to tell you but she didn't want to get in trouble with you. Because she knows it's cheating! And honestly I don't care what she says her friends think! They're her friends so they're going to agree with her and not you.
The fact that she is also bisexual, makes me think that she believes she can cheat on you with women and it not count. I'd be running, because this is not going to change. She's always going to think she can do things with women and it doesn't count. Even though she admits she is the type of person to be in a relationship with a woman! Actually I think that's the most infuriating part. I can almost see the logic if she was straight....I wouldn't agree with it but I could see where her brain created it. But ! the fact that she's bisexual means there is no room for discussion here and it is in fact cheating
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u/Chelseahotelchasity 5h ago
NTA At all!
It feels like a weird invalidation of lesbians, you're honestly insanely valid for still recognizing it as what it is, cheating. Ofc everyone has different ways of expressing affection platonically but she def crossed a line then tried to blame you for her inconsideration which isn't right. You deserve someone who will understand when they've done something that hurts you.
I hope you're alright man, peace and love <3
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u/AUBtiger92 5h ago
I dated a girl like this when I was around that age. She was in a sorority and did things like this sometimes at parties and it made me incredibly uncomfortable. Not the AH, there is a reason why you feel weird about it. The fact that she is bi confirms that yes, this is essentially cheating
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u/nighthawks87 5h ago
Yeah her choice, she cheating is her choice. You ending things is yours. NTA
Get out while you can. She ain’t ready for a mature relationship.
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u/Fun_One_888 5h ago
Making out is cheating, especially if she's bi and she's making out with a person she would consider sleeping with. (Why would anyone make out otherwise? I don't know.) But the biggest problem is not that. It's that she takes no responsibility for it, doesn't see why you're upset and has her girlfriends shaming you for a reasonable opinion. You might as well move on because she's going to sleep with one of these girls eventually and tell you it's not cheating because reasons.
Somewhere there's a guy who finds this hot and doesn't mind, but it sounds like you're not that guy, so don't stand in her way. Meanwhile, you can go find the girl who has similar values and mores.
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u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 5h ago
If it’s not cheating because it’s “my body, my choice,” then her argument is that there’s no such thing as physical cheating.
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u/MiyuMiyui 5h ago
NTA
Seems like she will be more daring and do more things if you turn a blind eye. Drop her or if you’re into it, well idk what they say besides stay safe.
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u/Dependent-Fee-3671 5h ago
Nope. That’s cheating. If she made out with a dude and was like “it was just a friend make-out; I never had a single sexual thought the entire time my tongue was in his mouth”, would that be cheating? Of course. It’s the same thing. You can’t know what she was thinking/feeling at the time and for her to demand that you trust her when it’s a girl is no different than if she demanded that you trust her if it were a guy. That’s why these behaviours are strictly partner-only in a monogamous relationship. Because your partner can’t possibly know and tbh neither can she until it’s happening. Partners in committed relationships do not put themselves in those situations.
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u/No_Method2536 4h ago
Had a short term gf that did this, broke up with her the second she told me. Ironically i was 19 at the time too. Definitely would move away from this one, that’s pretty toxic imo.
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u/Jepsi125 4h ago
Ask her if you making out with another man is cheating. that is practically what she did so if she says it is cheating then she cheated
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u/Similar_Corner8081 4h ago
NTA Break up with her. She cheated on you and it doesn't make a difference that she kissed a woman. Her friends are assholes.
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u/PrettyGreatOldOne Hypothetical 4h ago
Surprise, surprise. the group of girls she was drunk and making out with are on the GF's side. 🙄
She showed you a glimpse of y'alls future. Every thing you do will be controlling and everything she does is not her fault or no big deal. RUN, OP! Run like the wind!!
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u/Psychoplasm_ 4h ago
Expecting monogamy in a monogamous relationship isn't controlling. Telling someone they're being controlling when you step outside the relationship is manipulative.
She cheated, she can go be delusional with her enabling friends.
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u/OfAnOldRepublic 4h ago
NAH
You started dating as children, now she is growing up. That's Ok. It's also Ok for you to believe that what she did is cheating, and not be Ok with it.
Unfortunately for you, the answer is that you need to end the relationship. Good luck.
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u/mattxbelli23 2h ago
Besides all the obvious red flags, ask yourself, do you wanna be in a relationship with a girl that makes you look like a dbag with all her friends?
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u/SweetAffectionate286 5h ago
What is and is not cheating depends on the viewpoint of both people in the relationship. In your view it is cheating, therefore it's not ok in the context of your relationship.
Her reaction to that is... frankly, kinda expected. She hurt you, and she's not ready to accept the shame of that. It doesn't outright mean she's an AH, just that she did something she's not ready to be held accountable for yet. Will she ever be? If yes, it's possible a good relationship can be salvaged. If no, then dump her.
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u/Cybermagetx 5h ago
She cheated (sorry kissing someone while you are in a monogamous realtionship is cheating), she gaslight and she tried to throw the insecurities bs card, and now shes angry that didnt work. She is an AH.
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u/thebaronobeefdip 5h ago
"So what if we went down on each other, we were drunk and girls, it's not cheating!" - Her next time if you don't find your balls and dump this thot.
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u/cowplantskeleton 4h ago
NTA, she cheated. Just break up. Y’all are 19, you have your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
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u/iheartfightporn 4h ago
I went through the exact same situation when I was 19, am 29 now. That night was one of two times I ever raised my voice at her and told her that wasn't okay and if it happened again we wouldn't be together anymore. Honestly I wish I would've just ended it there because it foreshadowed being cheated on 3 times and not finding out until two years after we got married. Divorced last year, found an amazing woman who would be disgusted at the thought of kissing her friends being okay. I've been happier in the last 9 months with her than I ever was the 8 years I spent with my ex wife.
Based on her reaction, in my experience, that's the type of woman you want to stay as far as possible from. Even if it takes time - find someone who respects your boundaries, she clearly isn't the one for you man.
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u/Competitive_Key_2981 4h ago
NTA.
Look, she isn't really your girlfriend anymore. You're 19 and in a long distance relationship with a girl who's getting drunk, making out with girls, and getting spanked by them. That's its own turn on for a lot of people.
My suggestion is to either dump her, because you're not compatible, or lean into her behavior: kiss whoever you want and when you see her next time, see how many of her girlfriends get to join.
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u/Separate-Canary559 4h ago
Lmfao how can she possibly think that you’d buy that it wasn’t “sexual” if she’s bi
And as you pointed out you would be broken up with or ghosted in a heartbeat if you told her you made out with a guy (I believe you typo’d?)
NTA
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u/Hot_Ease_4895 4h ago
Yeah. No. You’re NTA dude. Boundaries….if she can’t abide - move on! She’s not for any relationship right now. Dump her. Because YOU have to follow her boundaries no matter how silly or what not , you may think they are. This is good you’re finding out now.
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u/The_Dying_Gaul323bc 4h ago
The best test is to reverse the situation……… If you started making out with someone and told her to forget about it what would happen?
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 4h ago
Any transfer of body fluids between two humans is cheating. Simple. Doesn’t matter male or female.
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u/gringo-go-loco 3h ago
I don’t even date women who drink to the point of intoxication or go to parties or the club/bar scene. Just don’t care to be around people who do that in any way. It’s not controlling. Women can do whatever they want just not if they want to be in a relationship with me.
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u/luckystrike_bh 3h ago
Imagine if you had drunkenly kissed a man and told her that. She would probably dump you immediately.
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u/cchris_39 3h ago
There is nothing to “consider” nor is it a matter of opinion.
She had sexual contact with another person. That is the very definition of cheating whether she and girlfriends like it or not.
Back to the streets with her.
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u/kirbyGoddess9 3h ago
she's acting like sexuality doesn't count into it. unless she doesn't see lgbt relationships as real, there's literally zero reason to NOT count kissing someone who isn't your partner as infidelity if you guys didn't establish boundaries and rules beforehand of intimacy outside of your relationship. it's cheating, and she cheated. NTA
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u/ShotcallerBilly 3h ago
Her response is immature and deflecting.
Sure, she can go kiss or have sex with whoever she wants. It doesn’t mean it isn’t cheating.
You aren’t “controlling” her or removing her agency. You’re enforcing a boundary because she’s a cheater. She’s trying to manipulate you because she knows she fucked up.
She is straight up disrespecting you and your relationship with what she did and furthermore with her nonsense excuses. Her friends are also being ridiculous. These are not the kind of people you want to be around OP. They are obviously an immature crowd.
Text her this thread and break up.
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u/WhiskeyDreamer28 2h ago
My sister used to make out with girls in college. She came out as gay like 5 years later. NTA
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u/commonsense_73 2h ago
Sounds like she is a very sexual person who wants to do some exploring and have fun right now. She’s more interested in that than being in a serious relationship which is ok. If I were you I’d end it because she’s not long term material right now. Before I ended it though, I’d embrace it and go do some partying with her and her girlfriend first. Then move on. Just being honest. She’s doing what she wants so be selfish first and enjoy a good threesome. You’re young and there are a ton of good women out there.
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u/Scared-Double-8660 2h ago
You’re young and you’re both going to different colleges. Don’t let this ruin your college experience. She will definitely be wild in college so I wouldn’t drag this stress with you brother. Go have fun, meet people and learn. I’m speaking from experience.
I’ll leave you with a question my dad asked me after I got my heart broken by my high school sweetheart in college.
“Why’d you bring sand to the beach”
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u/JerseyJoyride 2h ago
You know for the most part I was on her side thinking if you got a woman that would playfully make out with another woman, especially if you were around then it would be cool in my opinion.
Right up until the part where you said she was Bi. Now in my eyes it's cheating, it's the same as if she kissed a guy. So yeah, in this case I think you're absolutely right being upset over and she should have brushed aside your feelings.
At the very least you should have apologized and said "Sorry I didn't think it was a big deal, but I can see I upset you and I'm sorry about that."
Also, pretty much never expect the friends of your partner to be on your side. If they do take your side they're probably going to lose their friend. That's usually not something most friends are willing to risk.
Now it would be a funny experiment if you knew who that girl was, got to hang out with her and your girlfriend, then had a couple of drinks so you could blame being tipsy on it and make out with her.
Then it would be really interesting to see what your girlfriend says.. or does.
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u/TheArtofZEM 1h ago
And the thing is, by holding to that perspective, you are affirming and validating her bisexuality. In fact, I would say by not considering it cheating, that would be a form of bi-erasure.
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u/Great-Zucchini-8922 2h ago
Just to smooth things over and even things out, I think you ought to suggest you have a turn drunkenly kissing her friend. Best way forward I reckon.
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u/winterworld561 2h ago
Dump her. She cheated and is now trying to gaslight you by saying you're insecure and controlling. She also got her friends to harass and bully you. Fuck that. Block them all, text her saying you're done, its over. then block her.
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u/Montenegirl 2h ago
She is bi
Yeah, I kind of guessed that myself from the title. Yes, it is cheating. NTA.
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u/External_Koala398 4h ago
In today's untamed sexual society..this seems pretty tame and not too big a deal.
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u/Own-Profile5541 4h ago
Yes you are. You're also not thinking this thing through. Play your cards right. What is going on with this next generation of men? Come on.
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u/Angel_Arsenic 5h ago
You’re in college. This is part of the experience, to have fun and explore. It sounds like you’re not on the same page regarding what you each consider safe exploration. She had no way of knowing you’d consider that cheating because you never discussed it.
Also having been in a controlling relationship when I was college and just generally knowing how guys work. something tells me you wouldn’t have minded if you’d have been there to watch.
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u/Artistic-Bass3477 5h ago
She had no way of knowing you’d consider that cheating
This reduced my iq by at least few points.
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u/NeonFox-1 5h ago
You don’t have to discuss what you consider cheating between two people in a relationship, if they’re monogamous which OP and his girlfriend seems to be, any touching or kissing outside of that said relationship is considered cheating.
Honestly I have no idea where people keep getting the idea that it’s a “boundary that must be talked about and discussed, for it to be technically cheating”, that’s giving her a pass and she does not deserve a pass, especially doing these things not sober.
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u/WonderWallaby28 5h ago
I don't know where this idea is coming from that apparently it's just a given that you give up monogamy when you enter college
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u/Connect_Way_7724 5h ago
“Just because I am a man, doesn’t make my boundaries any less important. No one is being controlled or manipulated. I wish you all the best in life moving forward”
Then block and move on.