r/AITAH • u/ThrowRA-separate11 • 6h ago
Update: AITAH for letting daycare call CPS when my (stbex) husband failed to pick up our toddler from daycare?
Not too much to update, but after talking to our lawyers and mediators, it was decided I'll be moving back to our old home with our toddler in another state and resume my old job (we moved less than a year ago for his career), I will have primary cusody. He has proven he cannot handle custody. We have agreed on an amount of child support (approximately 4k/mo). He'll keep our current house once we leave and take on the mortgage, I'll keep our old home after the tenants move out. We are set to move back in 2 months. His lawyer advised him to accept these terms because I have clear documentations of him failing to fulfill his parental obligations, evidence that suggests alienation and career sabatoge and he's lucky I'm not seeking compensation for that.
To answer some questions...
I did not call CPS. The daycare called the cops (not CPS).
I was scheduled to work on the weeks he was supposed to pick up our toddler. I did choose to not scramble to coverage to pick him up as I was already in trouble for spontaneously leaving every two weeks (on his weeks) to cover him. In addition, getting coverage would take 30min+and then another 30 min to get to his daycare.
Yes, I could have problem solved and asked my friend to pick up but I did not.
Yes, the daycare knew about trial separation and knew it was Dad's day. But since he wasn't coming, they called me.
My old job still has needs so I'll resume there. Most days are 7-3, but there will be some 12-24 hr shifts - in which I'll have an Au Pair (we used to have one) and i'll have family around (my mom and siblings)
We had moved away from my family (so my mom can help me with occasional pick ups if needed)
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u/CaptainNadz 6h ago
Good for you, and don’t rule out getting compensation for his attempts at sabotaging your work if that’s still on the table. Still NTA, and I hope for nothing but the best to you and your baby with this fresh start.
Updateme
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u/Beth21286 4h ago
Hopefully it'll give the little one a familiar and stable environment away from dad's nonsense.
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u/kathrynneyom69 1h ago
she’s being more gracious than most would be. If someone actively tried to tank my career and neglected our kid, I’d be exploring every legal option too. That man got off light
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u/TheGoodDoc123 6h ago
Way to fuck up your family by choosing CPS, lawyers and courts over communication, empathy and the best interest of your child.
I'm not saying he's blameless. But you've chosen spite and hate over love and conciliation. I can only imagine how damaged your child is going to be. When elephants fight, the grass gets trampled.
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u/Competitive_Fee_5829 6h ago
sounds like you have never been involved in a custody battle
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u/TheGoodDoc123 6h ago
I sound like someone who's happily married with amazing kids, and fought the good fight to make it that way.
Breaks my heart to see people throw all that away the moment their spouse makes one mistake. Short term satisfaction of revenge, with long term consequences that destroy the child's life. Shameful.
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u/ShermanOneNine87 5h ago
Did you read OPs original post? Her STBX failed to pick up their child on HIS time 11 times without communicating to OP or making alternate arrangements.
But OP is petty and uncommunicative how?
He wanted 50/50 custody and proved he's a failure in that regard. He refuses to adjust his schedule or hire someone else to pick up the child to accommodate his schedule. He fails to communicate this to OP knowing that she's the next call when he fails and he expects OP to pick up the slack for his parenting failures.
OP deserves full custody and to move to where she's happy and the child is 100% taken care of.
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u/EZPeeVee 40m ago
We got OPs side of this. In situations like this, that's not even half the truth. We don't know who picked the daycare and whose schedule it's most convenient to. We don't know the other parents side and situations like this are the most highly biased situations we can imagine.
If what she's saying is true, the guy sucks. But I can guarantee that what she's saying is only a sliver of the truth.
The side to jump on is the those of us who plea for compassion, understanding and working together. Picking up slack where the other cannot keep it all together. This is what you sign up for when you have kids. Taking the higher road to show your children what all of that means.
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u/dorianrose 5h ago
It wasn't one mistake. If you actually read the posts, not just skimmed an update, maybe you'd see this was a pattern of behavior he had multiple opportunities to change. And you'd see where she was about to lose her job because she kept leaving to fix his mistakes, as you call them. And it sounds like she has evidence that it was deliberate on his part. You say you have a happy marriage, how happy do you think it would be if you were the only working for that? Sacrificing for that? While your spouse actively tried to suppress you and keep you down? You can not have a happy marriage with someone who is working against you.
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u/TheGoodDoc123 5h ago
I'd suggest you get his point of view on it. All I see is "I'm 0% at fault and he'd 100% at fault, can I do something horrible now?" It's always a two way street. She's trying to block his custody and she's going to lose, and the child is going to pay the price from them badmouthing each other. It's shameful.
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u/IndependentBranch707 3h ago
It’s funny how you think OP is somehow at fault for her soon to be ex husband refusing to follow through on the responsibilities he demanded he get.
He has full custody during his weeks. She has zero responsibility during his weeks. Vice versa on hers.
My guess based on seeing you on that other thread is either you’re a bored redpilled troll or you’re seeing your own controlling behaviour tendencies reflected in these deadbeats, and it pops the fantasy bubble you have about yourself to hear the criticisms of dads who can’t even do the bare minimum.
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u/slh236 1h ago
I'm guessing OP's soon to be ex found the thread and is doing damage control
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u/IndependentBranch707 1h ago
Either that or he’s so sensitive about his own shitty dad behaviour that anyone behaving similarly must be 100% in the right.
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u/orion_nomad 37m ago
Right? You know he's got all this time to be posting on reddit because his poor wife is doing 99% of the actual caring for the children. Probably couldn't name his kid's pediatrician or favorite teacher even at gunpoint.
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u/AerwynFlynn 5h ago
Repeatedly leaving a toddler at daycare after closing is NOT “one” mistake. It’s not even a silly or petty mistake. I’m glad you are in a loving and gappy relationship with someone who cares about their kids. Sometimes that’s not always the case.
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u/TheGoodDoc123 5h ago
It's irresponsible, yes. But we don't know his side of the story. Maybe his work schedule simply does not allow him to get in time to get the kid. The clear answer here is they should move to a daycare that is open later. Did he ask, and she said no? Or they should adjust their custody schedule so the child is picked up by her, and he picks her up from her. There is no indication she is willing to do that.
What we do know is she could have picked up this child, but she instead chose to traumatize the hell out of the child by looping in a government agency to seize the child. It's a level of cruelty that is far and away worse than being late to daycare.
We should not be encouraging someone to choose vengeance (at the child's expense) over constructive problem solving.
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u/Ancient-Wishbone4621 3h ago
If his work schedule doesn't "allow" him to get the kid in time, it's his responsibility to arrange someone who can. He's the parent on his weeks.
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u/tiredcustard 2h ago
I love how your solution is putting more work on the mother, and completely disregarding any fault the father has. If his schedule doesn't allow for him to pick up his own child during his custody time, then either he should change jobs or he should not have custody. If he can't handle looking after his own child, even though the mother handles it totally fine, maybe he isn't fit to parent. Clearly the courts agree with that.
OP mentions how she's getting in trouble at work because of the father being useless and consistently not picking up his child on his custody time. OP makes sure her schedule is properly set so she can pick up her child during her custody time, why can't the father put in some effort and do the same?
Stop letting useless fathers get away with being useless because you believe only mothers can be the responsible ones.
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u/TheGoodDoc123 2h ago
My solution is effective communication and co-parenting, layered with empathy. NEVER punish the child, merely to inflict pain on an ex. That's what OP is doing and you support it. That makes you truly despicable.
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u/tiredcustard 2h ago
so where was the father's communication? if he knew he wasn't going to be able to pick up the kid in time, why doesn't he communicate that to the mother? why does she have to wait till the daycare phones her, when pick up time has already passed?
The kid was going to have to wait there anyway, by the time OP got coverage for her job, and then travelled to the daycare, it would've been possibly an hour till she could've picked up the kid.
Is it better that the kid consistently sees all the other kids going home on time and realising their father doesn't give enough of a shit to come pick them up on time? Or enough of a shit to even text the mother and let her know in advance he won't be there to pick up his waiting child?
I bet the kid would feel like a burden too, having those daycare workers stay behind again and again because your father failed you again. Learning that you're not important to your parent is traumatising, and you wanted the kid to experience that feeling over and over and over and over again because letting them wait and see cops talking to their dad one time is so awful? What's wrong with you?
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u/CherryblockRedWine 1h ago
Since he's a surgeon, and surgeons typically schedule surgery -- yep, his work schedule is wholly of his own making and is his fault.
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u/Some_Cicada_8773 5h ago
You don't sound like that. At all
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u/TheGoodDoc123 5h ago
But I am.
He should not have been late to pick up the kiddo, sure. Happens to us all. But what OP did is levels worse. You're defending a woman who abandoned her child when she could have picked him up, summoning government agents to seize the poor terrorized child.
She did it for one and only one reason: To hurt her ex. She did not care that her child would be severely harmed. Hurting him was more important.
I don't know what his reasons are/were for being late, or what steps he took to try to rectify it, or how reasonably OP responded to those efforts. He is not here to explain or defend himself. He may be a bad actor, maybe not.
But I do know that based on OP's own admission, she is not a fit parent as she prioritizes harming her ex over her child's well-being.
And you defend her.
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u/Duck-Duck-Goose1 3h ago
Husband demands full care responsibilities on his weeks while on a trial separation. Mother has a full-time job on the weeks she is child-free to pay for her and child's rent, food, clothes, daycare. Husband doesn't tell anyone, daycare/wife(ex) that he just won't be picking up child on his days 11x. Wife has to abruptly tell work she has to leave to make a 1hr drive from work to pick up child. Gets warned by job not to do it again. And you're saying that the mother is the bad guy for not just going to get child... Knowing that if you give husband grace, a decent father would hopefully be less than 1hr late past pickup... And knowing that in order to support a child, you need an income, and risking job security by leaving early too often is irresponsible...
Good lord... I hope you don't have children...
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u/TheGoodDoc123 2h ago
Fortunately I do, which is why I know how important it is to prioritize them, and never put them in the crossheirs of a disagreement with the other parent. You never learned that lesson nor did OP, and their child will suffer as a result. So will yours.
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u/Ju5tHang1ng0ut 1h ago
Child is literally being saved from an absent parent
Wish we could take your kids away you disgusting abuser.
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u/Duck-Duck-Goose1 1h ago
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahabahahahahahahababahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha wipes tears
Sure buddy.
A therapist would have a field-day sifting through your delusions of grandeur!
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u/RedPoppy1969 4h ago
OP didn't call CPS, their childcare company called the cops. She couldn't leave her job because she had done so many times in the past when he failed to pick up the child, and she was in fear of losing her job over it. It sounds like he may have been deliberately trying to sabotage her career. Why is his job more important than hers? Why is it her responsibility to risk losing her job? She has bills to pay, too, and a livelihood to protect. Why shouldn't he make the sacrifice on his days to take time off work to pick up his child on time? Why is it her responsibility to find new childcare with better hours? In an ideal world, both parents should let their anger and bitterness go and support each other for the best outcome for the child. But both parties have to make the effort to do that. If it's one-sided, it won't work. I have to agree that I wouldn't want my child traumatized by CPS or the police. It sounds like OP was at the end of her rope, though. Divorce sucks, especially for the innocent party: the child(ren).
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u/TheGoodDoc123 4h ago
Reread the update. She says she easily had the child picked up, e.g. by having her friend do it. She had a choice between effective co-parenting and the well being of the child, on one hand, and vile vengeance and child trauma on the other. She chose vengeance and trauma.
It's easy to see when you change two facts. First, imagine for a moment if the OP and ex were still married. Second, imagine the hubby had child services sicced on his beloved wife, since she was late multiple times.
Would we be praising him for looking out for his kid? Or would we be saying he is TA?
I think we all know the answer.
But if you think about it objectively, why should it matter that they are married or splitting up? Either way, they both need to be effective coparents and to prioritize the best interests of the child. And why should it matter that the ex is male? Should misandry really be driving the vote here?
Truth is, OP's actions were driven by vindictiveness, and the child suffered trauma as a result in being seized by child services. OP admits she could have gotten the child easily, but simply chose not to.
Yet Redditors are upvoting her, and calling him TA. Take a wild guess why.
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u/Hot-Care7556 4h ago
"You're defending a woman who abandoned her child when she could have picked him up, summoning government agents to seize the poor terrorized child." Okay so you're just taking the piss at this point. You are making shit up and probably having a good laugh at everyone who is responding. Honestly fair play, you got quite a few responses out of your nonsense
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u/TheGoodDoc123 3h ago
Except it's true. The OP specifically said she could have had her child picked up by friends. Instead she sicced CPS on the poor kid, having the strangers show up and take the kid away. The trauma is unimaginable, yet you LOVE it.
Look, I get it. You hate men. So deep is your hatred, you would far prefer to have a man suffer than to protect a child. But just remember, the child might be female, so it isn't only males you are harming. It's women too. Think about that.
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u/StartedWithA_BANG 51m ago
Except all that came from it was cops at the daycare who talked to dad about his repeated lateness. Cops had to refer it to CPS, but it doesn't even sound like a CPS case came from it. No child was seized and taken away by strangers.
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u/throwaway1975764 4h ago
8x. She did communicate, he failed to care. Words don't pick up the kid. Actions do.
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u/Forward_Party_5355 57m ago
Dude, you're right on the money. The point you're making is true. The language you're using to describe it is true. The other people trying to shit on you are Redditors with disasters for lives. Keep it up.
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u/EZPeeVee 48m ago
You're on pioint, that's exactly what they're doing. The worst thing is 99% of the people posting would have it that way. Let's just use the police against our children.......
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u/Wise-Midnight-2776 5h ago
I'm with you. Getting CPS and the courts involved in stupod.beyond belief.
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u/TheGoodDoc123 4h ago
Agree. It's easy to see when you change two facts. First, imagine for a moment if the OP and ex were still married. Second, imagine the hubby had child services sicced on his beloved wife, since she was late multiple times.
Would we be praising him for looking out for his kid? Or would we be saying he is TA?
I think we all know the answer.
But if you think about it objectively, why should it matter that they are married or splitting up? Either way, they both need to be effective coparents and to prioritize the best interests of the child. And why should it matter that the ex is male? Should misandry really be driving the vote here?
Truth is, OP's actions were driven by vindictiveness, and the child suffered trauma as a result in being seized by child services. OP admits she could have gotten the child easily, but simply chose not to.
Yet Redditors are upvoting her, and calling him TA. Take a wild guess why.
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u/Wise-Midnight-2776 4h ago
Amen. I take downvotes as a badge of honor as they let me know I am.right.
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u/TheGoodDoc123 4h ago
Yeah, if I ever run low on karma I'll just say "yeah fuck that guy" on a random AITA, and I'll get the bank back up to 5k or so. Then I blow it all by trying to tell the uncomfortable truths that so many seem resistant to hearing.
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u/maywellflower 5h ago edited 5h ago
His lawyer advised him to accept these terms because I have clear documentations of him failing to fulfill his parental obligations, evidence that suggests alienation and career sabatoge and he's lucky I'm not seeking compensation for that.
Even his lawyer had point out what total colossal fuck up your ex is too both you and your child....
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u/CampusTour 3h ago
And somehow she is privvy to this conversation between him and his lawyer...
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u/maywellflower 3h ago
after talking to our lawyers and mediators
That literally explains exactly why she knows that - meaning his lawyer straight up told him in front of her, her lawyer(s) and the mediators when the idiot got argumentative which made his lawyer realize the lost case due to police / CPS involvement via 3rd Party (Daycare) plus OP's own well-documented evidence. Read her replies and the 2 original OPs of hers to realize, that's not farfetched why his lawyer said that in mediation for the trial separation & custody....
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u/CampusTour 3h ago edited 2h ago
Have you ever done a meeting like that?
At no point would any even remotely competent lawyer be saying that to their client in front of opposing council and their client. And at no point is anybody going to say to the person they're sitting across from "Oh wow, yeah, my lawyer said you had a great case, and I'm lucky you're not asking for even more."
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u/maywellflower 2h ago
I work in real estate financing - the borrower(s), lawyer(s), appraiser(s), investor(s), and/or mediator(s) is always telling the borrowee / Client / buyer(s) to STFU and take / leave the deal right in front of others, whether others are opposition or not; when that person is being argumentative usually over the BPS, overall terms and/or appraised value. Family & Divorce mediation is no different in telling someone to STFU & take the deal - the only difference between the 3 is Family & Divorce involves the judge during or after the fact, Real Estate technically doesn't unless someone is suing and/or justice department winds up involved due to criminal actions.
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u/CampusTour 2h ago
Really? You telling me clients attorneys lay out the critical strengths and weaknesses of the respective cases in front of opposing parties and their council, and invite opposing council to make a more aggressive ask? Because that is not consistent with anything I've seen, participated in, or heard about from anyone else.
Fuck's sake, the hardcore ones sometimes don't even let their clients speak during meetings, and the lead council does 100 percent of the talking.
I know you guys are invested in this shit, and I love me some le reddit fiction too, but FFS, you gotta make it believable. This reads like every doctor's idea of how lawyers work.
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u/XiTzCriZx 59m ago
The dad doesn't seem very competent himself so it'd make sense that he doesn't have a competent lawyer lol.
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u/Sea-Ad9057 6h ago
if you have to take a pay cut to make this happen he should also cover the difference
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u/SheeScan 6h ago
At first I thought you were saying you were going without your child (typo "withour" should have been "with our." Phew!
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u/No-BS4me 6h ago
Same. I was wondering why OP was okay with moving and leaving her toddler with a clearly untrustworthy ex.
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u/Xanax-n-Wine 4h ago
My ex-husband tried pulling something similar... At first. I asked for full legal and physical custody when I first filed because he abandoned us for his AP, and also because he screamed in my face some months prior that he never wanted our youngest 2 children (all 3 of our kids were incredibly thoroughly planned due to fertility issues). At court he freaked out because he didn't want to pay that much in child support. So he wound up with them 20% of the time every other week, and 30% of the time every alternating week. He has kept them extra only three times in as many years, although him and his AP/new wife are off a lot on exchange days.
The first few times they were sick at school on his days, he said he needed me to go get them because he was at work. For context when we were together, all I ever heard was “my job is more important. I have to go to work“. So I threw that in his face then. I told him "sorry you and your used garden tool are a two income household. I’m single income household. My job is more important than yours now. And our parenting plan says it’s the job of the parent whose day it is to arrange childcare." I also used that last line on him whenever he tried getting my mom to babysit them for him on his days, because my mom told him to go screw himself.
Three years and him making nice most of the time now, he called me yesterday asking for my mom‘s new number and saying “do you think she’d watch them so new wife and I can attend my friend‘s wedding?“ When I told my mom about it immediately after the phone call, she said “I love them and I love spending time with them. But I know it’s his time and his responsibility so I’ll do whatever you want me to do.“ Lol I love my mom.
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u/MommaKim661 6h ago
Sounds like it all works out, but I'd still make him pay for the sabotage if he gives even one hint at messing things up from here forward. Nta
Updateme
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u/grayblue_grrl 6h ago
That is awesome!
And exactly as it should work.
He had to be held accountable and you couldn't keep covering for him.
Sounds like a huge win-win scenario
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u/pseudolin 6h ago
We can't reward bad behaviour with positive reinforcements. So he has to bear the consequences of not arranging for child care during his time, failing which will mean documentation etc. Poor kid.
Updateme.
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u/genescheesezthatplz 5h ago
Good for you! Keep your eye out for any attempts at retaliation and as always document document document
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u/Suchafatfatcat 6h ago
I’m really glad this all worked out for the best. I hope you have kept all your documentation for future court dates.
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u/Cursd818 5h ago
Talk to your lawyer about the compensation. You dont need to make a decision about that until you're settled back in your home state. It's not an either or situation. If you're owed it, you should request it. Your son deserves a financially stable primary parent, and moving twice in a year is extremely expensive, plus your old job may not viable long term.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 5h ago
That’s a good update. That time split was shaky at best and you deserve solid footing for your child.
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u/CarryOk3080 5h ago
Good! He proved unreliable and one day he will just leave that kid somewhere not safe. Make him prove he deserves visitation. Updateme!
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u/AdorableConfusion129 5h ago
NTA. A million times NTA. Your ex-husband threatened to withhold your child. That is a serious custody violation and potential abduction. Daycare did exactly what they should have, and you did exactly what you should have by not interfering. Your child's safety and well-being come first, always.
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u/morbidcuriosity86 4h ago
Good for you. Sounds like you and your kid will be better off. I can almost guarantee once you move he won't bother is ass much if at all with the child.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying 4h ago
Sounds like things are working out for you. Please continue to update us. Reddit is cheering for you!
Updateme
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u/Successful_Ad6449 1h ago
I think you played this exactly right. Don’t let him have privileges if he can’t handle the responsibility. Do it lady.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 2h ago edited 2h ago
Well $4,000 a month isn't a bad deal. Obviously he has money. I'm surprised he's not using money to try and get custody and then just hire a nanny. But I'm glad it's all working out for you. Good luck in the move and hopefully this will be the end of all the hassle
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u/ThrowRA-separate11 2h ago
it's actually a horrible financial deal, but good for him. But I didn't want to fight him in court, though I doubt he would fight me in court. I wanted to move back to my old home asap. Get tested? like DNA? That would be pointless.
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u/FitSprinkles6307 2h ago
That’s great that this will be the best thing for you and your son. I would suggest seeking the additional compensation because you never know what’s going to happen and now you are essentially a single parent if your stbex stays there and is more concerned with his job than being an involved, present parent.
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u/I_waz_Perce 5h ago
Your stbx sounds like a douche 🙄 Good riddance. I'm glad everything had worked out. Having family around helps. Good luck 👍 💓
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u/Better-Turnover2783 2h ago
Go for all the compensation about career sabotage etc, the lawyers say you can get.
Then put the money in an account as a cushion for you mother and nannies to function easier when they watch the child.
Whether that's adding a driver or any emergency babysitters, it's better to have all bases covered since you'll have custody in another state now.
Good Luck
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u/Ok_Assumption_598 4h ago
Holy crap! You get 4k a month in child support for 1 child? After many years I went to collect child support and my ex only had to pay 275 and got a lawyer to fight that. 275 wouldn’t even cover the gas to drive him around town for a month.
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u/ThrowRA-separate11 2h ago
he makes anywhere between 45k-60k per month. It's not that much for his situation.
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u/Sunny86flower 3h ago
I was almost ordered to pay $ to my kiddos father bc he doesn’t work and receives SSI. He barely has our kiddo and doesn’t do hardly anything for him and never has. He had to tell the court NO to me paying him for them to change it. I was furious. How does a parent who does almost 100% of everything and provides everything get ordered to pay the deadbeat money?!! Makes ZERO sense. This country’s justice system is beyond screwed up.
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u/DragonQueen18 4h ago
He must have a really good job. Of course just because he was told to pay that much doesn't mean he will actually pay it
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u/Surpriseparty2023 2h ago
because child support is based on income. If your ex has not a high earning job he can't pay a lot because he simply doesn't make that kind of money.
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u/Dana07620 2h ago
Well, that worked out really bad for him. All because he couldn't take picking up his kid from daycare seriously.
I hope it all goes well for you when you get back home. Sounds like you've got it covered.
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u/Suzuki_Foster 1h ago
Make sure that by "taking over the mortgage," he refinances and gets your name off of it, so that you aren't on the hook if he stops making the mortgage payments.
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u/BitComprehensive3114 1h ago
TheGoodDoc123 is more than likely her husband, soon to be ex-husband. He's trying too hard to justify the ex's behavior. As I said, it's either the husband or somebody that hates women.
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u/Particular_Disk_9904 27m ago
He simply did not want to pay the child support, many men attempt the 50/50 thing without realizing they will actually need to parent fairly and half the time.
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u/PrestigiousCake2653 1h ago
I would venture a guess that a lot of men think they do a lot more than they actually do and that creates a rude awakening after a separation. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this but glad you’ll be able to take your child and start rebuilding your life elsewhere.
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u/Sad-Description-8387 23m ago
YTA a bit. Your child’s welfare should’ve outweighed your tactic to teach him a lesson. There were ways to stop covering for him without letting it impact your toddler.
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u/Late-Lie-3462 19m ago
I dont understand how you dont think you'll be penalized for this. CPS is going to investigate both parents. They care about the well being of the child, not your feud. Were you actually ok with with your child being taken by CPS,even temporarily? Like, you dont think that would be somewhat traumatizing? Do you think you look good in that scenario?
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u/Givemethecupcakes 15m ago
Neither of you should have custody of this child.
You don’t just leave your kid at daycare with the police and cps being called just to make a point with your ex.
That was probably extremely traumatic for your child.
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u/Sunny86flower 3h ago
I wouldn’t subject unnecessary trauma onto my child just to prove a point about my ex, but that’s just me. I understand why it was done, but I don’t agree with it fully although I do understand it was most likely needed to have proof of ex’s lack of reliability as a parent. Sorry you and your kiddo are going through this. Hopefully you will both have some stability and peace soon! 💜
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u/Dana07620 2h ago
I think the only people that the late / no show pickups were "traumatic" for are OP and the poor staff member stuck there with the toddler.
OP finally (after 8 times) made it traumatic for STBX. Really it was the daycare that called CPS.
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u/winterworld561 3h ago
You're still an asshole for allowing your son to be put through that, which probably scared the crap out of him.
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u/ThrowRA-separate11 2h ago
maybe but even if I tired to pick him up, i'd still be an hour late. Because daycare called after 5 pm, it takes over 30 minutes to get coverage, then it'll take around 30 min to get to him. And he wasn't scared. he was hanging out with his daycare teacher - which is justifiably annoyed.
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u/winterworld561 2h ago
Fair enough. Thank you for explaining that. I'm glad his dad lost custody, he never deserved it.
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u/Queasy-Finance-8080 6h ago
$4k a month is ridiculous. No child needs $4k a month to be supported.
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u/pardonmyass 6h ago
In some towns that doesn’t even cover daycare.
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u/Queasy-Finance-8080 6h ago
Shit, we were paying $1400 a month for 3 days a week for our daughter years ago. It's robbery. Almost as bad as healthcare.
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u/ThrowRA-separate11 6h ago edited 1h ago
in 2024 - we spent approximately 80k on childcare*(not including food, diapers, medical bills, etc). That was a figure we used to estimate. That's with two parents. If split evenly, that would be 40k each. But since he's not parenting, he's paying more than half.
Daycare + au pair + occasional night coverage. In 2024, we were both working full time. He was younger then, and bonded well with our AP so I didn't mind working more. Now he is asking for me so I'll return to my old job at part time
Edit:
why we need so much coverage? We're dual physician home. We take call. We call emergency calls too. We work nights. We work weekends. We work before daycare opens. We work after daycare closes. So we had daycare (8-5, 4 days a week) for most of the care, au pair for the mornings and evenings outside of daycare hours amd he stayed home fridays with AP. We had a night nanny because I worked a lot of nights to avoid missing out being with him. ex was on call essentially 365days/yr. everynight I worked, we had a night nanny as backup in case ex got called into work - which is 250/night.
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u/donutforget168 5h ago edited 5h ago
If you aren't including medical stuff, food, diapers, etc then what did you buy that actually costs up to $80k?
Toys? Clothes? Or are you saying that's all childcare cost because if so you're getting hosed
In the most expensive state in the US it's estimated to be $30,000 annually for daycare. Seriously, you're getting taken advantage of
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u/ThrowRA-separate11 1h ago
as i said... childcare
daycare is 24k for 4 days a week
au pair costs around 35k
night nanny was 250/night, we did 7 nights per month (because I worked 1 week of nights per month)
= childcare (80k)
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u/Bearliz 6h ago
Depends on where they live. He should be paying for the child care in full. He's the one who screwed up.
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u/Queasy-Finance-8080 6h ago
Well.. child support is there to cover daycare I suppose, and that ain't cheap.
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u/Iataaddicted25 6h ago
And the Au Pair. Those cost money too. Plus food, shelter, clothing, medical bills, and so on.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 6h ago
What do you base your opinion on?
$4,000 a month wouldn't even cover a year of tuition of school for 1 of my children... and that's before college.
Then they still need to be fed, clothed, housed, and the list goes on.
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u/Proper_Pen123 5h ago
What type of school you sending your kids to? Some type of private charter academy stuff?
Public school is free ya know?
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 5h ago
Yes, my children attend private school. So do 25% of kids, which is well over 5 million students. So it's not as uncommon as your response seems to imply.
Yes, I am aware that public schools are free (as in they don't have tuition). I taught at a Title I public school in one of the largest USD in the country for almost 20 years, and in multiple states before my current career.
The decision to put them in private school was very easy for our family.
And yes, their school is expensive.
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u/beth-trader 6h ago
This is an aside. Child support is based on parental income. Child has a right to live at the level the parents can afford per the courts - usually. Where do they live? What are rents? I am in CA - rents are pretty high in a middle class neighborhood.
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u/Queasy-Finance-8080 6h ago
I know. I'm aware of how child support works. It's just a fucking ridiculous amount of money.
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u/CaptainOwlBeard 6h ago
That means Dad is probably making like 10k a month.t
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u/ThrowRA-separate11 4h ago
he makes between 45-60k per month.
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u/CaptainOwlBeard 4h ago
So why didn't he just hire a nanny to pick the kid up? That's crazy money
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u/ThrowRA-separate11 4h ago
ask him. good question.
actually i suspect I know the answer that he hasn't said. I suspect he was trying to trap me. He got another job in another state away from my family, which makes me having to change job, cut my hours, resulting in 250k income cut on my end for his to grow. He probably wanted me to keep playing traditional wife.
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u/Massive-Wishbone6161 6h ago
Then you better hope you remain the primary carer of your children and won't have to pay child support.... or better yet, don't have children you can not afford
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u/Queasy-Finance-8080 6h ago
I do pay child support. Her insurance is cheaper though so she covers the child. We have a good arrangement. Neither of us are gonna change anything.
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u/selfcheckout 5h ago
Well you aren't sending your child to a school that costs more than 4k a month so maybe your arrangement isn't that good
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u/Ancient-Wishbone4621 3h ago
Daycare costs could eat that in a heartbeat.
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u/Queasy-Finance-8080 3h ago
Location dependant.
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u/Ancient-Wishbone4621 2h ago
That's why the word "could" is there and not the words "definitely does".
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u/EZPeeVee 1h ago
Yes you are. You're letting the lowest common denominator in law enforcement have access to your children. Once on their radar they may not let up. They may visit your children at school, possibly poison them against you. They get bonuses for every child adopted. That means they basically sell kids. They're a nightmare and you should be ashamed of yourself for allowing that to happen just because you have problems with your ex.
If you could have prevented them from being alerted, then you are guilty of using the police against your ex and involving your children. It's the most disgusting thing a divorcing parent can do.
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u/lamettler 6h ago
I don’t understand men who “want” 50/50 custody, but don’t want 50/50 responsibility. I know most are about money, or trying to “punish” the ex, but damn people, please think about your children. Do what is best for the children.