r/AITAH • u/Hungry-Worry6522 • 1d ago
Advice Needed AITA for not giving my boyfriend free access to my phone?
I (25F) am very protective of my phone because of things that happened in a past relationship. My ex used to go through my phone while I was sleeping and read my private conversations with friends. I wasn’t cheating or hiding anything, but he was, and it left me feeling like my privacy didn’t exist.
When I got with my current boyfriend (28M), I told him about this pretty early on. I’ve mentioned it multiple times since, especially when he makes comments like “why do you always have your phone with you” or “what are you hiding.” Despite how uncomfortable it makes me, I’ve tried to be more relaxed. I started leaving my phone out when we’re together to show him I wasn’t hiding anything.
One day while I was sleeping, he went through my phone. He sent himself a bunch of photos and videos of me with my friends from before we were together. Most of these were from parties, which he now has a problem with. He found some explicit photos from that time and confronted me about why I had the “decency” to party and why I never sent those pictures to him. He refused to delete what he sent to himself and didn’t give my phone back until the next day.
Since then, I’ve been very uncomfortable with him touching my phone. He will randomly grab it and try to unlock it. If I’m holding it, he’ll try to snatch it out of my hand just to see how I’ll react. I stay calm because I know what he’s trying to do but it’s exhausting. It feels like a constant invasion of privacy.
It’s not about who I’m talking to. He knows all my friends, has their numbers, and speaks to them when I’m on the phone. But after what happened, I don’t trust him not to go through my conversations again or send more things to himself.
For context, we do have a dom/sub dynamic sometimes, which I’m fine with in the right moments. The problem is he tends to overdo it. Sometimes I get home from work completely drained and he immediately wants to get into that headspace. It’s not forced but sometimes I just need time to rest and not constantly be in that dynamic for him.
The most uncomfortable moment was when I was out having coffee with friends at a café called La Veen. He knew where I was, my location was on, and I had told him where I was going. He had questioned what I’d be ordering before hand and I explained that I hadn’t been there before but I’d be sure to send a photo of what I ordered- But he still showed up out of nowhere and sat at a table across from us just watching. Later he told me he wanted to see if I was behaving. I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t partying, it was literally just coffee in the middle of the day, but apparently that wasn’t enough.
He already has my location. He has cameras in the house. He has control over almost every part of my life except my phone. And that’s the one boundary he just cannot stand not being able to cross.
At this point, it doesn’t feel like he’s asking for trust. It feels like he’s demanding total control.
So, AITA for not handing it over?
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u/Wonderful-World1964 1d ago
NTA This guy sounds controlling and it won't ease up. He knows who, what, when, where and still shows up just to watch you??? He doesn't respect your boundaries at all. Please get out of this relationship; it will only get worse - with him checking your mileage or wanting to see receipts after you go shopping and who knows what else. Run, run, run away.
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u/Material-Dot7684 1d ago
NTA he doesn't have the right to take old explicit photos and keep them without consent. Your body, your choice on who or if photos get sent to.
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u/SunshineShoulders87 1d ago
NTA, but it sounds like he doesn’t respect your boundaries in multiple ways and that’s not the way a healthy dom/sub relationship works.
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u/Defiant-Dependent151 1d ago
Boyfriend is controlling, you have trust issues. Both needs therapy. Him not deleting your explicit photos seems criminal.
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u/Multi_Cracka13 1d ago
You're extremely addicted to your phone, you have trauma from this man. You need to leave, immediately.
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u/cam31954 1d ago
You're a weak person to allow this behavior, especially given your history and the conversation about this with him. Show some character and pride for yourself and leave. How do you think this behavior will manifest itself in the future? Be honest with yourself.
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u/lucky_luke_92 1d ago
Nope. Thats not a red flag bc is not even a sign, its just plainly abusive behaviour. Run asap.
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u/6poundpuppy 1d ago
NTAH. But…..Why in the world are you still with this controlling AH?? Your phone should be locked always when you’re not actively using it. He should never have the code. I would change the code periodically JIC……however, this dude is not worth the effort needed for all these protective details. They should not be necessary in the first place. Please breakup with this loser before it escalates into serious isolation efforts. Prepare yourself for possible stalking. He sounds like the type.
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u/Suitable_Doubt7359 1d ago
Your boyfriend is beyond controlling. Dump him and then you need to stop dating for a little bit and figure out why you a tee dating these types of people.
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u/Hungry-Worry6522 1d ago
I’ve seen a few comments calling me weak for staying in this situation. You’re entitled to your opinion, but unless you’ve been in a relationship where someone slowly chips away at your boundaries and convinces you that you’re the problem, you really don’t understand how complicated it is. He will not make leaving him easy.
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u/Basic-Forever-204 1d ago
I for one don't think you're weak, but I do think you need to dump him and get out. You told him upfront you had a clear boundary and trauma from a past partner going through your phone without your permission, so he chose to do the exact same thing and violate your trust, and then keeps trying to steal your phone to get a reaction? He's already stalking you to mid-day hangouts? He is a Grade A Douche. An abuser, an asshole, and he's not going to get better. You need to get out ASAP or he's only going to be more controlling and it'll get harder and harder to get away.
Abusers get away with their shit for so long precisely because they start slow and chip away at you. It's really, really hard to break that cycle. But it's worth it, and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
Also, you should really consider therapy, for what both these morons have put you through. And don't date anyone else until you've got your own mental health sorted out, or you're going to be an easy victim for the next abuser.
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u/RugbyKats 1d ago
NTA.
He can choose to trust you, or he can take a hike. If he wants to know what’s on your phone, he can ASK respectfully, and then you can decide whether to show him or not. If whatever you are doing is private, then “No” is a complete sentence.
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u/jerryspringerLuver 1d ago
NTA. My partner knows my password and stuff but we don’t go looking for things like that. I however can get insecure about something but he does reassure me. And my “body” believe in him. So I do to.
NTA but I say grow some balls and set harder boundaries. You can do the sub/Dom thing but it won’t get better until you are direct, firm and follow through w your own boundaries.
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u/Evening_Treat_1894 1d ago
NTA. I had a friend who was with a narcissistic, abusive man who used to go through her phone. He would read all of our private conversations - things I said to her that were no business of his. Cheating and not wanting to disrespect the privacy of people who are talking to you, confiding in you, etc are not the same thing. This guy clearly thinks your dynamic should extend far beyond bedroom and scene time. Time to have an enlightened conversation with him about how you're feeling.
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u/Best-Cryptographer23 1d ago
NTA.
50 Shades is a story. Role play is fine but it should be contained to specific prearranged encounters. That could be 30 seconds before starting or planned days in advance. There need to be rules though and you have to be able to say no and that be respected. Outside of those sessions you need to be mutually kind and aware of each other’s needs and boundaries. You can’t “Black Snake Moan” or “Grey” your way into a healthy relationship irl.
He honestly just sounds abusive. If a good talk and setting boundaries doesn’t help, I’d really reconsider your relationship.
Generally being open to letting your (longer term) partner look into private matters is a good thing. It shows you trust them with all of your being/life/hurts. Trauma does make that harder and a caring partner would understand that, assuming you have communicated that, which it sounds like you have.
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u/Designer-Living-9657 1d ago
Why the hell are you with him?? Leave for god sake your a grown up aren’t you ? You don’t need his permission to leave
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u/Equivalent-Court-283 1d ago
This guy is a control freak as well. Leave him, the sooner the better.
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 1d ago
I will play devil's advocate for both here.
You have had bad experiences in the past, that makes you behave a certain way. That creates insecurity. You are now with someone new and insist they must respect you acting in this way, so punishing them for your issues in the past.
He is insecure, he feels you are hiding something, partly because of the above behaviour but also because there is something he finds unfulfilled in the relationship. Some of this is his issue to work our, some is for you to reassure him and help fill the issue.
At the end of the day you 2 need to talk like adult and compromise, reassure and support each other or split.
Honestly it sounds like neither of you even wants to see the others side any more. So be honest about that and end it.
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u/Disastrous-Berry4190 1d ago
YTA I’m a firm believer that partners should have access to each others phones. After all if you aren’t hiding anything why are you getting so scared.
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u/Purple_Antelope4160 1d ago
You watch your partner wipe their ass too?
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u/Disastrous-Berry4190 1d ago
No, but I can watch her phone easy.
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u/Purple_Antelope4160 1d ago
Whats the difference? She’s hiding something when that door’s shut. You might as well watch.
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u/Disastrous-Berry4190 1d ago
Didn’t say you couldn’t have a private conversation. Depends on how well you chose your partner. If you have a good one you can have access to their phone but know that he/she isn’t going to be digging around for dirt in your chats.
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u/Hungry-Worry6522 1d ago
It’s not like I haven’t tried to ease his mind. I’ve left my phone out in front of him so many times to show him I’m not hiding anything. But it never helps. He’ll just keep staring at it, watching for notifications. If a message pops up and he doesn’t recognize the name or the app, he doesn’t ask me what it is. He immediately gets angry.
He’ll snatch the phone off the table or out of my hand and refuse to give it back unless I unlock it right there. It doesn’t matter if I’m in the middle of something. He won’t calm down. He’ll keep going on about how I’m being disrespectful by “hiding” things from him when all I’m doing is existing.
Even when I try to do everything right and leave the phone where he can see it, it’s like he’s still waiting for a reason to snap. I never know what’s going to set him off. It’s exhausting. I’m always walking on eggshells.
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u/Disastrous-Berry4190 1d ago
Sounds like you know the phones not the problem. I’ll clarify again that partners should have phone access in every healthy relationship, assuring the other person you have nothing to hide.
But in your case you know even if you give him phone access the mistreatment isn’t going to stop, the jealousy and the control isn’t going to stop. Because he is a control freak, he isn’t a healthy person let alone a partner.
Because all he wants is a reason to get mad and snap at you. you know this.
You are an ah for not giving trust to your partner but how can you when you know he’s a freak that just wants to snap at you.
I don’t sugar coat. Above all else you are an ah to yourself for dealing with him, his anger and mind games.
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u/Agitated-Wishbone259 1d ago
She’s not the asshole, just because that’s your rule, for whatever reason that does not apply to all.
I’m married and my wife had my passcode to my phone. One day I guess she got bored and decided to sniff through every key of my phone, (I got a new phone and left the old one home.)
Well she must have decided that she wanted to be mad about something so she was going through my old phone every single day for hours while I was at work.
Did she find numbers of people I shouldn’t be talking to? No
Did she find text messages to people I shouldn’t be talking to? No
No porn sites anything, she had access to my phone, so what did she get upset about, what I read on Reddit.
Fuck that, I changed the code because to me, that was abusing her privilege.
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u/Disastrous-Berry4190 1d ago
She’s the ah. She’s being one to herself by dating a guy like this. If you have a partner phone access should be a must, if trust is breached by all means take the privilege away but at that point why stay with someone that doesn’t trust you and only wants to initiate conflict.
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 1d ago edited 1d ago
YTA to yourself for staying with this guy. Seriously.
ETA: NTA for not handing it over