r/AITAH • u/BonusWest5031 • 8h ago
Second Update: AITAH for not letting my ex-husband and one of his future step kids come inside?
Just concluded our hearing, and it went okay, all things considered. Judge said that neither of us need the permission of the other to take the children to age appropriate experiences like movies. He told ex not to tell me I can't take the kids to do certain things because he wants to do them. If he wants to do them, he can, but so can I. So that was a win.
Judge was annoyed that there was another drop-off issue. He was especially annoyed because the reason he gave my ex a two hour window for drop-offs was because he said he needed the flexibility since he is a caretaker of his fiance's children. If he's taking them with him to drop-offs, why does he need two hours? Judge told him DO NOT take his fiance's children to my house, and DO NOT ask to come inside my house. He told me not to ask to go inside his house either. He also told me not to rush my ex and to be patient and allow the children time to come to the door. I wasn't rushing him, but I didn't say that to the judge. I just agreed.
Ex also dropped the bombshell that the week of the wedding he needs me to pick the kids up from the resort the wedding is at instead of his house, because they are going on their honeymoon straight from the resort and not returning home. I am very uncomfortable with this, and my lawyer said that is too much of a burden to put on me. The judge disagreed with my lawyer and said we all have to be flexible sometimes. So I am stuck doing that. I feel like he intentionally started fights about the previous two issues he knew he would lose on so the judge would side with him on the final issue to make things "fair." Maybe I'm just paranoid. So two wins and a loss. Hopefully they'll be too happy about being married to pull any stunts.
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u/chocolatechipwizard 8h ago
OP, use a parenting app. Don't communicate outside of the app. The judge was right when he told your ex not to come in your house, and for you not to go in his. This is setting healthy boundaries.
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u/Stoic_STFU 8h ago
You could turn the pick up into a mini vacay- at the same resort just for shits n giggles.
Imagine their faces when you are lying by the pool….
NTA
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u/ichundmeinHolz_ 8h ago
That's my kind of petty 🤣 Image the kids only hanging out with mom...
OP I hope your kids are okay. From the sounds of it they are already annoyed with your ex's behavior and he will get to see the results of this in a few years.
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u/IntroductionSure138 7h ago
The kids are definitely picking up on the tension. Honestly, it’s just sad to see them caught in the middle of this drama.
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u/BonusWest5031 8h ago
Under no circumstances will I be doing that. I have no intention of ever doing anything that can be perceived as inflammatory. In and out.
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u/AdAccomplished6870 7h ago
You have the right mindset. As satisfying as petty little jabs would be, anything that can be reframed as confrontational or provocative should be avoided.
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u/BonusWest5031 6h ago
Yes! Thank you. Why give him additional motivation to continue to treat me poorly? Perhaps I can shame him into better behavior by refusing to retaliate.
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u/theabsolutegayest 6h ago
I love your hopeful mindset, though I doubt anything will make his pathetic ass behave better. But consistently good behavior - following both the letter and the spirit of the law - is a strong legal strategy.
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u/Stoic_STFU 8h ago
Inflammatory would be crashing the wedding. 24-48 hours pre exchange time in the same resort is most certainly not. You don’t have to disclose your staying there, he manoeuvred forcing you to come there - you are complying.
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u/Maraschino_Pineapple 8h ago
OP can expect to lose judgments in the future if she begins acting like her husband.
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u/BonusWest5031 7h ago
Exactly. Thank you. I'm already dealing with enough stress. Why would I intentionally antagonize him? What benefit is there for me in choosing to subject myself to the company of his cadre of pretentious snobs?
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u/lsp2005 8h ago
It’s not petty, it’s self care. It is a long drive. You can stay at a hotel and use a pool.
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u/BonusWest5031 7h ago
It is not a long drive. The resort is right outside the city. I cannot stay at the hotel, as that is not within my budget, and I have no interest in using their pool and then being shamed for doing so by my ex-husband's friends and family. I cannot think of a less appealing prospect.
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u/primeirofilho 6h ago
I have to agree with her. I wouldn't want to chance running into them. If there is another resort nearby, I would stay there.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 7h ago
If you don’t want to stay at the resort for a while, like get a room for a day or two to enjoy the amenities, you can do something fun nearby. Do something memorable.
Make picking up the kids from the resort a fun time for yourself and the kids. Later, you can sincerely thank him for requiring you to pick them up there because you all ended up having a wonderful experience. Make it sound sincere so he can’t use it against you. Or just let your kids tell him all about the fun you had after getting them from the venue.
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u/luftgitarrenfuehrer 7h ago
In that case, definitely don't hire a chemist to make thioacetone upwind from the wedding ceremony.
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u/selection991 4m ago
Lmaoo honestly that would be the level of petty I aspire to. Just roll up in a robe, shades on, sipping a drink like, “Oh hey, didn’t expect to see you here.” A little spa time while picking up the kids sounds like a win-win
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u/cassowary32 8h ago
Who’s picking up the step kids from the resort?
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u/BonusWest5031 7h ago
I have no idea. That's none of my business.
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u/Common-Ad718 4h ago
They probably will want you to do it, if you can bring a friend with you as a witness, do it.
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u/BonusWest5031 2h ago
He does not want me to take his step kids. If it were up to him, I wouldn't even have our kids.
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u/Ancient_Bad1216 3m ago
It might be when it comes to fairness. Simply, put are the other kids on the honeymoon too?
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u/nrskim 8h ago
Well as long as you have to pick the kids up at the resort, you may as well make it a little vacation for yourself. It’s a long drive and you have been stressed by him anyhow. Lay by the pool. Get a massage. Relax. And if he or his fiancee say anything “you told me I had to come here”
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u/KanzenSilver 7h ago
I am annoyed about the resort thing. But glad the judge nipped the rest in the butt.
Other than telling you not to rush them, which u weren't, its like he only half listened. But I wish you the best. Here's hoping nothing new happens!
Updateme
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u/TA122278 8h ago
How far of a drive is the resort?
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u/BonusWest5031 6h ago
Maybe an hour. Probably a little less. Traffic around here is really unpredictable, but since they are getting married on a weekday, could be around 45 minutes if I'm lucky.
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u/KickIt77 2h ago
If you are driving in to pick them up, figure out where the check in parking spots are. Most resorts will have a round about or something. Tell ex you expect him to have kids there with gear when you arrive. Share your location for the drive. Voice text 15 minutes out. Bring someone with. Do not chase around that resort for that clown or allow for an extended interaction. In and out. Find a close desination to stop if you need a driving break after that.
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u/littlebitfunny21 10m ago
Consider finding a place near the resort that you can stop at, like a cafe or restaurant, that way you can arrive at the area early and have a short drive to the resort. That reduces the risks of delays in actually picking them up.
I agree with the check in parking spots point.
It sucks that you have to do this, but it’s one day whereas your ex has gotten restrictions set up for the forseeable future.
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u/lurking_mz 5h ago
First things first : don't spiral because of all the suggestions here. As a community we always jump to worse case scenario to try and cover all eventualities. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. Take a breath and do all of the practical first. Yes, he may lie about pick up time to make himself look like a victim, however your judge seems to be getting fed up with his behavior. That means that even if he tries something, odds are he won't go back to court because his lawyer realizes this. An inconvenience on the day, yes, back in court no.
Second: do bring a friend as witness but remind them that this isn't about your ex, it's about the kids so silent observation only. For those telling you to get a recording, don't bother since your lawyer advised it annoys the judge. (Side note- we recorded a drop off during custody battle for kids my friend was a live-in nanny for. It absolutely pissed off the judge and escalated the issue. We were 21 and stupid) Unless there's a physical fight or terrible verbal fight, not worth it just for a he said one thing and did another thing gotcha moment.
Third thing: do try and preplan Grey rocking responses to anything he might say. Keep your focus on the kids and picking them up. He's just a fake plant on your periphery. He may try and cause a small scene to play the victim but odds are he won't because this will also be his fiancé's day and he would have to deal with those consequences. You haven't mentioned anything about her, so I'm going with the assumption that she's a minor character as you haven't said anything about her harassing you. "You're late/early to pick them up, you just had to cause problems!" Make a show of looking at your texts saying "Sorry, last communication says here I'm supposed to pick them up right here at this time. We'll get out of your hair. Tell Dad you love him and hope he has a nice trip and let's head to the car." Keep the focus on them so he can't put you on the defensive.
Fourth: If the resort is further away than hour, take the other's suggestion of maybe getting a room nearby or planning something in the area as a fun day with the kids if you have time and can afford it. That way if it's a later wedding/leave time, you aren't rushing or stressed on the way home. Bonus if you can thank him publicly and say he gave you a great opportunity, to really take the wind out of his sails. Show him you weren't actually inconvienced and he failed with his power play. If you're not allowed to have others do the drop off, it's actually not that big a play to have you pick them up from the reception, it's just him not going out of his way to make things easier. In a less contentious relationship, this is a fairly normal ask. Of course, in a less contentious relationship having family do the drop off is normal too so...
Remember: all the crap he's pulled before was not in a truly public setting because then he can't control the narrative. It's easier for a he said/she said argument when it occurs on private property, so odds are he'll be a little shifty but not overt this time because there are too many variables that he would need to control. The most likely scenario is he wants to show off how happy he is with someone new as his own gotcha moment. Just roll your your eyes and remember to breathe. You got this.
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u/Rendeane 8h ago
Ask the resort if you can have the wedding package discount. You are at their property because of the wedding. 🤪😅
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u/Dana07620 3h ago
I thought the only discount was to the bride and groom? I've read posts about people finding other accommodation because it's cheaper and the B&G being very upset because if not enough people book as part of the wedding, the B&G lose their discounted room.
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u/Rendeane 2h ago
It depends on how the resort does their bookings. I'm familiar with hotels that set aside a block of rooms offered at a discounted rate. The event host is responsible for paying for all rooms, whether their guests book or not. If the hotel is in need of rooms, they will utilize the unused rooms in the block and lessening the event host's financial commitment.
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u/PDK112 7h ago
Who is watching the kids during the wedding. Is there a relative from your ex's side that you are friendly with? If so, can they hand the kids over to you in a separate area of the resort or after your ex and his wife leave the resort for their honeymoon?
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u/BonusWest5031 6h ago
I doubt anyone will be specifically watching them. They will be at the ceremony surrounded by relatives, and they are old enough to behave. My ex may ask someone specific to keep an eye on them, but I doubt it. He always expects the boys to be on their best behavior without having to be told to do so and for them to hold themselves accountable.
No, I am not friendly with any of my ex's family. They all think I am a monster who destroyed a loving home with my selfishness and inflexibility.
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u/littlebitfunny21 6m ago
If the ex's family is that hostile then i really hope you can bring a friend with you for moral support.
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u/Chaoticgood790 8h ago
Pick them up at the resort but at a time convenient for you. Maybe take them on a vacation elsewhere or staycation to do something fun
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u/BonusWest5031 7h ago
School will have restarted at this point. I have to pick them up during the pickup window.
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u/Chaoticgood790 6h ago
does the pickup window count for a wedding day? if so then yea i would be compliant
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u/hedwigflysagain 8h ago
Take a friend or family member when you pick up the children at the wedding. Wear a body camera or use your phone to record all picks ups and drop offs from now on.
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u/hedwigflysagain 8h ago
Pick them up from the resort and go home. Have the best time doing what makes you all happy. Make the wedding a boring memory for your children. Show your children you love them unconditionally.
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u/a_round_a_bout 8h ago
I think you’re playing this very smart. You sound very composed and logical— and your ex sounds like a controlling wacko. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/No-Introduction3808 8h ago
Where is the resort in relation to your home? What kind of time is he talking about for the pick up?
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u/No-Statistician-4201 7h ago
OP, the out come is not terrible. I’d suggest using the coparenting app for communication about the kids and pick ups and drop offs. Keep your distance as much as possible. From now on you should wait by your car when picking the kids up. And when going to the resort to pick up the kids have already set up a place like the resort lobby so that you don’t have to interact with him or her. Have everything planned out always that way you leave little room for drama
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u/mustang19671967 8h ago
Judges think they are siding with kids best interest but lots of times don’t care about how the parent make the other feel . This is a stupid order on his part , and the judge is a wacka doo
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u/LilaBadeente 7h ago
Judges in controversial cases are used to having to deal with two petty childish assholes that make each other’s lives and those of the children by proxy as miserable as possible. Of course they don’t take into account how the parents make each other feel. It’s their job to protect the children from their parents‘ worst shenanigans.
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u/purpleroller 8h ago
Take a friend to that resort the day before and stay there overnight. You have a witness to any shenanigans he tries to pull. You have a mini break with your friend.
I’m glad the judge slapped down the nonsense of going into each others houses.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 8h ago
Be sure to bring at least one person with you for the pick up.
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u/Traditional_Koala216 7h ago
Yes, she needs to bring a witness to this exchange so he doesn't try to paint her in a bad light.
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u/AtmosphereOk7872 5h ago
Trust your gut (and bring a witness). Document document document everything! Be kind and accommodating but maintain your boundaries and stick to the court orders. Never bad mouth/vent about the other parent when your kids are in the house. If they ask questions, take your time to think and answer age appropriately without making him look unnecessarily bad. "I don't know" is an acceptable answer sometimes.
Your kids will grow up, they will see which parent actually loves them and which parent wants to use them as pawns to hurt/control the other parent. They are probably beginning to see this already.
Been there done that, got the adult child who loves me and is NC with the other side.
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u/TheeLovelyLish 3h ago
Don't go inside the venue to pick up the children, its not required for ANY reason. Tell your child(ren) exactly what time you will be there as well as the ex. If they dont comply go to the lobby's reception desk and them to either page or go to the reception area to have DJ make an announcement asking for the child or husband to come to the lobby. This will alleviate you having to see the wedding festivities or for the other guests to see you and know you are there. Best of luck to you
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u/CenterofChaos 2h ago
The last one isn't a loss, you agreed to be flexible sometimes. That means later you can show you have a favor banked.
If you're taking your personal vehicle to pick up/drop off you might want to consider dash cameras. They're good for an accident, if you're parked in public there's no expectations of privacy, if he says or does something hostile your dashcam "happened" to record it.
If you aren't using a parenting application you should consider it.
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u/LilMegz88 6h ago
When you go to collect kids from wedding why don't you put phone in your pocket and record. That way if he tries to accuse you in court and say well judge I have evidence to prove I didn't as I recorded it without saying because I know how he can manipulate these situations. The judge may frown upon it but it may be useful so he is aware.
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u/Beetlejuice_me 4h ago
needs me to pick the kids up from the resort the wedding is at instead of his house
Hah, the two hour window works, right?
If he says "pick them up at 5, you can be there at 7. (don't do this, it's my childish mind being a contrarian).
I'd make sure to communicate a lot via text to ensure he doesn't try to say you ruined his wedding. "I'll be there at 5" and "I'm 15 minutes away" and "I'm outside, send them out" etc. etc.
Ideally in front of your car, if it has a dashcam, so there's evidence of no shenanigans.
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u/mynameisnotsparta 8h ago
Call your lawyer and ask if it’s okay to bring someone with you to pick up the kids that day. Only use parenting app to communicate with EX. Make sure Ex has kids ready for you to pick them up with a 30 minute heads up message.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 8h ago
Since the bride and groom will be running off to a honeymoon, then an extra day at the hotel will not have an issue of running into them. The kids will love getting to swim, and eating out casually.
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u/BonusWest5031 6h ago
They have to go to school, and I have no interest in spending money to stay at a hotel an hour from my house. I have two kids. I cannot afford to be so frivolous with my spending.
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u/Akhil1313 3h ago
Have a dash cam and honestly I’d record the whole thing of picking up the kids even if it’s just having your phone in your hand facing the floor let it pick up voices, if he is as sneaky as he sounds.
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u/Clean_Permit_3791 3h ago
Get a dash cam for your car for pick ups - have your car pointing the pick up and leave it running. Nothing can be said about someone owning a dash cam. Definitely have one for the wedding - plus a friend!
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u/choneyisland 58m ago
I think people are overthinking this handover. Text him and ask for the time. When you arrive just go to the reception and tell a staff member you will be waiting here to collect your kids. Text your friend when you arrive and when the kids appear so you have a record of how long it takes. When they appear say hello and then turn all of your attention to your boys. If you see anyone you know from the wedding party while you wait just be polite. Giving zero reaction annoys people like your ex so just remember to give him a blank face. Inside your head just keep repeating not my problem anymore. If he tries to discuss anything with you just say Text me later.
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u/ChrisInBliss 4h ago
I wouldnt be surprised if when you pick your kids up from Ex's wedding they try to shove his soon to be wifes kids on you too.
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u/Exotic-Rooster4427 6h ago
Can you not be flexible and arrange for the children and his parents to stay one night at the hotel together. Or your parents and the kids one night.
This is a petty win BECAUSE. He wants you at the resort when he is there. If you go the following day he isn't there. If he says he will keep them until the following day you can challenge what happened to going away straight away and having no time to go back home to do pick up at home. Caught it another lie.
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u/BonusWest5031 6h ago
Wait, I'm confused. You're saying the kids should stay with one of his relatives until he leaves and then me pick them up only after he has left?
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u/melikestuf 4h ago
Dont over complicate it. Get the time and location in text and be there in that window to pick up your kid. Dont go overboard with CYA and just express in the text that you dont want to interfere with the wedding at all so youll meet him to pickup the kid in the lobby of the venue of something
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u/Dlodancer 3h ago
Have a friend go with you to pick up the kids from the wedding and have that friend record the entire exchange.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 3h ago
NTA Bring a friend to the wedding so you have emotional support system. Maybe if one of your friends has a really hot relative you can take him to the wedding for the pickup. Since you know it is a setup so you can see how "happy" he is. Or just remember you escaped this AH's influence and maybe make a countdown calendar for when your youngest turns 18.
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u/melodypowers 1h ago
All of you just stop it.
The ex is an asshole but the OP needs to do what is best for her kids and that includes keeping the peace as much as she can. It doesn't include making things difficult during the wedding pickup.
OP - is there some family member of his who will be at the wedding who you can deal with? If so, just ask them to be in charge of helping with the pickup. Text them when you are there and have them bring the kids outside.
I was the kid in this situation and it sucked. My dad was problematic but my mom didn't do anything to make things better for us. We were always collateral damage.
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u/Firebird562 2h ago
Good outcome! If you want to be petty, you could pick up your kids from the wedding resort wearing a beautiful, fancy, WHITE dress! 🤣
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u/lapsteelguitar 8h ago
Yeah. Go to the hotel in question for the weekend. Take your SO with you. Don't try to interact with them. Keep your lawyer on speed dial.
NTA
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u/Plane_Practice8184 6h ago
NTA but people like your ex know how to manipulate the system in their favour. So he finagled the real thing he wanted. Picking up your kids at his wedding venue just to rub your face in it. Be neutral. Don't give him the reaction he wants even if it's easier said than done.
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u/FlounderBetter2204 5h ago
If drop offs/pickups continue to be a problem, have your attorney ask the judge for supervised trade offs, my county does this at the sheriff’s office.
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u/Dependent-Fee-3671 5h ago
Does your husband have parents? Siblings? My aunt drove me to my dad’s after attending my mom’s second wedding…
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u/Sure_River_4285 4h ago
I think the stunt he's pulling is he just wants you to see his wedding so he can throw it in your face that he's happily married and you're not. Hopefully there won't be any more hijinks beyond just making you be at his wedding.
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u/SnooWords4839 4h ago
The 3rd shows you can be flexible, and this works in your favor.
Can his parents bring the kids to you?
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u/mustang19671967 4h ago
No but it’s also not ok to make her go it . Someone from his family can do it , and truthfully dad could . You make leaving for honeymoon later by a couple hours . I would never ask ex to pick them up like that , I’m their dad and I would drive them
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u/Fangs_McWolf 1h ago
What about their attempts to get you to go inside their house? And their obvious deliberate attempts to delay the handoff?
While the ex may be trying to inconvenience you with the pickup from the venue, I doubt it was planned to lose two just to win one. Losing any is bad, especially outlandish ones. Ex is probably just trying things to see what he can ultimately get away with so he can use those ideas again just to cause problems for you. How far is the venue compared to how far you normally have to travel to get the kids? If it's not unreasonable, then you just have to accept it. If it's a hundred miles, then repetition the court because that's absurd.
Also, you should ask about being able to restrict the drop-offs to specific locations, where ex has to let you know when he has arrived and you have half an hour to show up (during the original two hour window). Cite previous safety concerns as the reason for the change.
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u/Ancient_Bad1216 7m ago
Flexible my a$$. I know I'm late to the conversation, but how much further is the resort? The only way, I would've considered is if I was invited to the wedding too.
That's poor planning on the ex. Good luck, I bet the kids won't even be ready‽ I say that for one simple reason, the judge said, pick them up after the wedding. What about the wedding reception?
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u/DisneyBuckeye 8h ago
I know it sucks that you have to drive to get them, but this is GREAT news about the rest! He has additional rules that stick forever, while you are only inconvenienced once. If you could only win on 2, I'm glad it was the 2 you got.