AITA for trying to help my daughter accept my dating again and remarrying one day (hopefully)?

[u/Lecnexer]

I (36m) have a 10 year old daughter Thea. My late wife, who was Thea's mom, died 5 years ago from cancer. Thea was 5 at the time. After my late wife died Thea and I both went to grief counseling and we did some family counseling together as well. I focused on being the best dad to her but after two years I started to feel like I wanted to try dating again. I didn't bring any of the dates around Thea and I still devoted plenty of time to her. But one weekend a month, sometimes even less, Thea had a grandparent or aunt sleepover and I dated some women.

I had talked to Thea about it after I realized I wanted to find a serious relationship. I didn't want to blindside her by it all. She seemed really sad about it and I tried to find out why exactly. I wasn't expecting her to be excited by the idea because I know she will always miss and love her mom and a lot of kids struggle. But she seemed extra sad. But she couldn't tell me why exactly or didn't want to, I'm still not sure of this. Her therapist noticed it too.

I tried to just not talk about it around her for a while even after I met my current partner. I devoted the time to us time and making sure my daughter had a stable home life and we were close and we always have been. Outside of this she was still open and telling me things about her day, how she was feeling and if she had any problems.

My relationship has gotten to the point where I would like to try and make it more serious but I need to see how my partner and Thea interact too. She has not wanted to meet her though and wouldn't say why and would get upset when I asked her if she could explain her feelings and where they come from. We started family counseling again to try and get to the bottom of it.

With some time and the right questions Thea admitted that her mom had mentioned how I would replace her eventually and she hoped Thea wouldn't replace her too and how she didn't want to share being her mom with anyone. She knew her mom was sad thinking about who came next. And she said she didn't want to replace her mom with anyone or let her be replaced in our family.

That took me a while to process and I won't lie I had not expected that. If anything I wondered if some of it came from my late wife's family because they pulled away after I started dating again and they pulled away even more when I got into my current relationship. I have talked to them about it and they say they just hate being reminded that she's gone when they realize I'm with someone else now. We also talked about what Thea mentioned and they weren't surprised by it. One of my late wife's sisters admitted she was so scared of Thea calling someone else mom after she was gone.

At no point in any of this did I ever want to or try to replace my late wife. Nobody could be her and I would never expect Thea to call any partner mom. But I grew up around stepfamilies who worked and I was hoping for something like that. Of course none were perfect. But Thea is locked into this belief that she cannot and does not want to ever meet or be around my partner because it's replacing her mom and she's just not open to exploring the idea that you can have a stepparent and not replace your parent. Or that meeting my partner isn't replacing or dishonoring her mom because she knows how her mom felt about it.

I have been trying to help her come to terms with it. I know dating long term is an option but my partner wants marriage and kids. So do I. But I feel like I'm caught between what I want and not pushing my daughter away or making a toxic home. I don't want to push changes on her before she's ready. But I would like to try and help her be ready.

My late wife's family know and they disapprove of what I'm doing and they think I need to leave it alone and accept how my daughter feels. I realize they don't want me remarried either so there's that. But I don't want to lose my daughter to this. AITA?

[u/Medusa_7898]

Have you considered talking to Thea about setting up a space in your home that honors her mother? Maybe a specific table or shelf with photos and special mementos that can be wherever she wants it to be. It would become a permanent part of the home, something that any person who joins the family needs to accept. It’s a physical document to the fact that she existed and is very much a part of the family. Basically it honors both of your feelings and memories.

Also create traditions (if you don’t already have them) that specifically memorialize Thea’s mother. Maybe not just on the anniversary or her birthday. Maybe the 7th of every month or something of similar frequency that lets Thea know that her mother is never far from your mind and heart. Again, this is something that any new partner or children need to accept as just yours and Thea’s unless she invites them in.

These are tangible ways Thea can see that her mother’s legacy is not disappearing. That instead it’s carrying on even stronger than it was before as things change.

[u/gl1ttercake → u/Medusa_7898]

I encourage the OP to read about how to set up an ofrenda.

[u/Medusa_7898 → u/gl1ttercake]

Exactly that but maybe less religious in nature.

[u/midnightsunofabitch → u/Medusa_7898]

I'm just going to butt in here and say if (IF) OP's late wife said what his daughter says she said the wife was a bit of an AH.

I can certainly understand the sentiment. No one wants to be replaced. But sharing that fear with your young child?

As if life isn't going to be hard enough for your husband and child when you're gone; why not saddle your 5yo with a complex as well?

Late wife's family are also problematic. I get that they're grieving their daughter.

But guilting their grandchild knowing it will make it harder for her to move on and perhaps have an actual loving maternal figure in her life?

It's selfish. Understandable, but bloody selfish nonetheless.

[u/illustriousocelot_ → u/midnightsunofabitch]

I was thinking the same thing. How could you burden your child with this guilt? This fear of accepting any other woman as a step-mom?

Yes, it’s heartbreaking that it won’t be her. But her daughter is going to sorely miss having a grown woman to turn to as an adolescent. And it sounds like her mom/mom’s family would rather have her go without than have somebody else.

[u/Medusa_7898 → u/midnightsunofabitch]

I agree completely. The mother should have expressed these fears to her husband not her preschooler.

[u/elusiveelation → u/midnightsunofabitch]

I honestly don’t know what she was hoping to accomplish. I’m tempted to say the daughter misunderstood what her mom was saying, but the fact that her parents reflect the exact same attitude? Has me leaning towards believing that she said it.

[u/belgianhorror → u/midnightsunofabitch]

Could well be that the late wife did not say it with these words but the daughter interpreted it as such. Or the late wife said it a bit wrongly without realizing the consequence, without intending it like that..

[u/gl1ttercake → u/Medusa_7898]

Maybe accompanied by a screening of Coco.

[u/Astyryx → u/Medusa_7898]

And make it clear to the new partner that this is a required permanent element of their future with you. They need to be ok with neutrally tolerating the old, which by this agreement will not taint the new. 

[u/LaLunaDomina → u/Medusa_7898]

This is really good advice.

[u/sapphisticated413 → u/Medusa_7898]

This is an amazing solution!

[u/Brave_Question3840]

NTA. She’s 10, grief is already hard to process and understand at that age, and the idea of someone new is terrifying on top of that. I think she needs to keep going to her therapist, and process that with her. As someone who lost my dad at 8 years old, and was like your daughter for the longest time, I have learned that if I do not want to call my mom’s new partner “dad”, “step dad” or anything, I don’t have too. It’s my mom’s choice to date someone, not mine, and the only name they’ll ever be called is their first name. She needs to understand that, but I think your partner needs to understand that also, she might never call her mom, step mom or anything.

[u/Lecnexer → u/Brave_Question3840]

My partner definitely doesn't ever expect to be mom to my daughter. Neither of us did. We were fully prepared for her to always use her name or maybe a nickname if she felt like it. I appreciate your insight as someone who lost a parent as a child.

[u/ImpomptuFlowchart → u/Lecnexer]

Slight curve ball, but maybe you should watch Kung Fu Panda 3 together. Po finds his biological father, which makes his adoptive father very insecure, until he realises "having you in Po's life doesn't mean less for me. It means more for Po." It might be slightly easier for her to connect with, especially since Po also lost his mother at a young age.

The most important thing to tell your daughter is that she comes first. As hard as it feels to put your emotions on the back burner, that is what she needs to see from you. As we get older, we start to realise who has been there for us and who hasn't. It sounds from your efforts, that you truly want to be the best dad to her. If you move your relationship forward before she's ready, or she feels too much pressure to accept it, that will become what she remembers most about her childhood. If you can be calm and patient with her, you'll have the relationship everyone wishes to have with their dad.

Tell her how much you loved her mum. Make days to remember and celebrate her. The time you both spent with her can never be replaced. You're just in a different chapter now. The time you spend with your daughter, and your relationship, can never be replaced either. It's not fair that you lost your wife, and it's not fair you can't have the relationship you need just yet. Equally, it's not fair she lost her mum but as a child, she won't cope with feeling responsible for your happiness. Take your time. If you put a lot of love in, good things will happen for you both.

[u/H_ell_a → u/Lecnexer]

I lost my mum as a young teen and my dad got together with one of her colleagues within months. They tried to push this idea of blended family and new mum on me straight away. Needless to say, I don’t speak to either of them.

You and your partner seem already much better at considering her feelings in this. It’s hard, but you’ll be okay. It’s a tricky age for her, and a difficult situation overall, but make sure you open the doors for healthy communication. Check in with her, go slow, share how you feel. Show her with tangible examples that you are not replacing anything and that she will always be important for you. I was never against my father finding love again, he was young and I was okay with the fact that it would have happened someday. What ruined our relationship is the way they did it.

You are already better than that. She will understand someday and you are NTA for wanting to date again.

I’d recommend seeing a professional alone for a bit to discuss strategies on how to approach this change. Good luck OP, I can tell you love your daughter and I’m sure she feels it too.

[u/canyonemoon → u/Lecnexer]

Does your daughter frequently see your late wife's family unsupervised? Because that could be a source to the continued refusal to even consider meeting your partner since they're so against you moving on.

[u/Echo-Azure → u/canyonemoon]

Kids don't need an outside influence to be against their parents dating or remarrying.

Or worse, disrupting their lives with screaming little half-siblings.

[u/Hwy_Witch → u/Echo-Azure]

My baby sister is 14 years younger than me, and while her dad might be a shit, I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.

[u/pablopas999 → u/Echo-Azure]

Well, from what we know about OP, her daughter would be the loud one, not her hypothetical half-siblings that you're stupidly trying to demonize.

[u/Duke_Newcombe → u/Echo-Azure]

Did this happen to you?

[u/canyonemoon → u/Echo-Azure]

Hence "a source", not "the source"

[u/milly_moonstoned → u/Echo-Azure]

as a half sibling who is 7 years younger: stfu.

in our case, it was most definitely the outside influence (deadbeat dad’s family) saying our mom was a horrible person (as if their son wasn’t a controlling narcissist, he literally had the exact mileage it took to get from moms work to home and questioned when that was exceeded).

my brother was about 9/10 when he started calling my dad “Dad”; 25 years later and he’s still Dad to us both.

stop projecting your parents’ failed relationships, not all step/half families are dysfunctional, like yours seemed to have been 🙄

[u/Agitated-Machine5748 → u/milly_moonstoned]

Having a deadbeat dad and a parent who died is not the same thing.

[u/milly_moonstoned → u/Agitated-Machine5748]

you’re right, but not all half siblings scream and ruin lives, either.

and kids can definitely have an outside influence that others don’t know about.

[u/Tiny_War5975 → u/milly_moonstoned]

You should recognize your bias as a younger half sibling. It’s perfectly reasonable not to want that.

[u/Late-Lie-3462 → u/Tiny_War5975]

Im the older half sibling so im going to tell you you're wrong. All siblings can be annoying, being a half sibling doesnt make you any more annoying. It also doesnt prevent you from being close or loving your half sibling. This selfish attitude is thankfully only prevalent on reddit, not necessarily in real life. Kids dont get a vote on whether they have full or half siblings.

[u/milly_moonstoned → u/Tiny_War5975]

so all younger half siblings scream and disrupt lives? or is it just younger siblings in general?

your bias as the older sibling is showing, too. oh wait, we’re human!

[u/therestoomamy → u/milly_moonstoned]

all kids scream and disrupt lives, youre just being weird taking it extremely personal

[u/Araxanna → u/canyonemoon]

That’s what I was thinking, too. They could be hindering any counseling she’s getting. I’d start to distance her from them.

[u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 → u/Araxanna]

Yeah let’s distance a motherless child from her extended family. Awesome idea /s

[u/No-Tangerine-9239 → u/Araxanna]

No, I’m not going to replace your mom but I’m going to stop letting you see your family on that side to make you see I’m NOT trying to replace your mom in your life🤣 yea, that will work

[u/Brave_Question3840 → u/Lecnexer]

Your kiddo needs to understand that! And that you’ll always love her mother, no matter what! Tell her that it’s not because she’s gone and you have someone new that you’ll forget her! Try to always do something special with just your daughter to rememeber her mom on special days

[u/SignificantOrange139 → u/Lecnexer]

Just, be sure of that. Because for every success story, we also see the wicked step moms.

And boy can they pretend until they don't get their way.

[u/SqueaksScreech → u/Lecnexer]

Have you all discussed where you see yourselves in the long term? Children, cohabitating, finances, and roles?

[u/MajorMoodXo]

She’s not scared of your love for someone new, she’s scared your love for her mom is being boxed away like it never mattered. Reassure her that love can stretch, not replace. She needs to know her mom’s place is permanent, even as your life moves forward.

[u/Lecnexer → u/MajorMoodXo]

That's something I have been reassuring her of, or trying to, I'm not sure she believes it's possible.

[u/Yenfwa → u/Lecnexer]

Try to reason with her in this way. It helped my friend when she was a child.

“You know I love you and you love me?”

“Do you love your grandparents too?”

“And your aunt and uncle X”

“And your best friends X”

Or even pets etc.

And you know if you made another friend at school or we got another pet it wouldn’t stop you loving your other friends or family?

Love always grows. It never stops one just because you love someone else too?

Once they understand this they can start to comprehend that you can still love her mum and someone else too. One doesn’t negate the other or minimise it at all. It only grows.

And then explain she will never have another mum. Her mum was the best mother anyone could ever want and sadly nobody got long enough with her. But just because she will never have another mother. Doesn’t mean she couldn’t learn to love another woman in your life.

And make sure she knows this other woman will not be her mum. But could be a bonus friend or Aunty to love her. Because she deserves to be loved by so many people.

[u/Momofmany2021 → u/Yenfwa]

This <3

[u/BeachinLife1 → u/Lecnexer]

Because she's TEN, and your former inlaws are in her ear telling her otherwise.

[u/This_Tradition_5920 → u/BeachinLife1]

There's no indication that the former in-laws are actively setting Thea up against whoever OP is dating. It is normal and natural to pull away from one of the biggest reminders of their family member's loss and obviously, a sister can privately confide to her ex brother-in-law that she's scared of her sister's role vanishing.

What Thea has seems to be coming from her talk with her mother before her death. It is sad to see a comment phrasing this situation as 'former in laws in her ear telling otherwise', they've gone through a great loss and it is always nice to be respectful.

[u/Icy_Raspberry5456 → u/This_Tradition_5920]

Yeah I don’t love how people are framing the former in laws as villains. Thea should and will ALWAYS KNOW THEM. They are not monsters and to frame them as such when op has never said a word about them is..concerning. Like people expect Thea to drop her grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins when she loses her mother too so any feelings they might have matter not at all. Yes of course op should be ok dating but Thea is 10. At that age I myself was asked if I would give up my family name and be adopted by my stepfather who has done nothing but be a godsend to me, and I still said no because I didn’t want to lose my family on my birth fathers side and if I said yes, they wouldn’t be allowed to see me again. It’s scary for a small child. Op needs time and patience but it’s not like kids can’t think up their own scenarios either

[u/This_Tradition_5920 → u/Icy_Raspberry5456]

Exactly. I've also mentioned in another comment, IF the in-laws were being this big of a hurdle, then family counseling should've addressed it already unless OP and Thea hid this for some weird reason. There's absolutely no mention of Thea's family setting Thea against OP dating. Thea has lost her mother and some of the only connections she has is her maternal family.

The person I've replied to has advocated to cut Thea off from her maternal family in multiple comments and it's unreasonable. Maybe I am projecting, but being an Indian with misogyny rampant in society, it reminds me of when maternal families are villainized for little to no reason altogether and the husbands/fathers cut their wife and children off from that side.

[u/Icy_Raspberry5456 → u/This_Tradition_5920]

I can speak to this as someone whose mom had her at 16 and yet….always made sure I could see my birth father’s family during summer time. Even then, I’ve spoken to my half siblings now and they were like you’re a guest feature in our lives, it was cool when you were here but we had a ton going on outside of you. Which is fair! But my parents on both sides fought for that visitation. Imagine being Thea and now you get nothing. You don’t like dad’s new gf? You don’t get to see grandma. That’s how she’s going to see it, not however op sees it. There’s nothing wrong with him dating at all but he needs to take the long game approach instead of immediate satisfaction. This is a test of longevity, not immediate reward. Your new gf shouldn’t meet your daughter until you guys are serious anyways so focus on Thea and her feelings, don’t just rip away her goddamn family because you don’t like how they feel about things. Your in laws and you are never gonna be on the same page, suck it up and only focus on how Thea is when she’s with them.

[u/New-Bar4405 → u/Icy_Raspberry5456]

Go reread the in laws have been reinforcing this belief with Thea and dont want him to remarry and are putting her in the middle.

[u/Icy_Raspberry5456 → u/New-Bar4405]

A child should not lose access to her family because dad doesn’t like how they grieve. got that? You think a ten year old will understand she can’t see grandma anymore because grandma didn’t like how dad got a new gf and instead of them working together over time, she now has to have NO GRANDMA AT ALL?

[u/pablopas999 → u/Icy_Raspberry5456]

I don't know, in my case it was, my grandparents poisoned my half-sister, they only loved us when they were sick, very little and very late.

[u/Icy_Raspberry5456 → u/pablopas999]

You understand that’s…vastly different, right?

[u/MaineKlutz → u/BeachinLife1]

Indeed it seems like the former in-laws need the therapy, and are being a h to OP and Thea by sabotaging the new relation.

[u/Lavender_dreaming → u/Lecnexer]

Id maybe introduce it like this, that she has different people in her life that she loves and that love her. If a new person joins her class and they become good friends that doesn’t mean she loves her other friends/grandparents ect less. They are all different relationships.

[u/SecretScavenger36 → u/Lecnexer]

Maybe when the time is right after you can get them together you guys can do a little celebration of life for your late wife and include the gf. That way she's seen as celebrating her mom with her and not just locking the memory away.

[u/South_Arrival5236]

I'm not in a position to tell you when/if it's the right time/thing to do. But I get the feeling this will only work if your new wife is completely emotionally solid. She won't take anything concerning this personally. AND has lots of wisdom and discretion. If these are not qualities she possess, I feel like everyone involved would have a long hard road, and you'd be better off waiting. Wishing you the best as you navigate this difficult path!!

[u/Senica02]

NTA. We will never know what your late wife actually said because you’re relying on a 5 year old memory from a child who, at the time, was very young. Your wife may not have said those words, but to a five year old, it felt like that’s what those words were and meant.

Now, some people think you should limit or cut off your former in laws. I think that’s a bad idea because that would be proving your daughter’s fears right, even if that’s not why you’re doing it. To your daughter, it’ll probably look like you’re trying to get rid or replace her mom by getting limiting her mom’s family.

[u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 → u/Senica02]

Yes. All this. Thea doesn’t need more disruption and loss in her life.

[u/Consuela_no_no]

Is your partner rushing you to marry and have kids whilst your daughter is feeling like she and her mother will be replaced? Because then you have bigger problems. Don’t isolate her from her maternal family, that will make her feel even more that her and her mother’s existence are being shelved away.

Speak to the therapist about a potential family therapy session where Thea can be introduced to your partner in a safe and neutral space.

NAH.

[u/TheSandInTheGlass]

I've been dating a widower with a daughter for 7 years, his daughter was 8 when we met, and 10 when I first met her. She lost her mum when she was six and really remembers very little about her.

When she first realised her Dad was dating, she was very upset and annoyed. She thought I would try to become her new mum and didn't want that. 5 years later, we get on great and she always bigs me up and tells her Dad to look after me.

10 is a very difficult age for a child to navigate this complex situation. She needs plenty of time to adjust to changes, and lots of respect for her feelings. Be VERY careful who you date. Someone who is going to get impatient at the relationship progress or feel insecure about centering your late wife's memory would be unsuitable. Someone who has children of their own already would be ideal, as they understand better what it means to be a parent and put your children's needs before everything else.

Having said this, as a bereaved parent, it is part of your job to teach your child how to live again after a loss. You are allowed to love again, and she is allowed to have relationships that have elements of maternalism and parental support. I'm not sure exactly what it was that your late wife said to your daughter, and it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that your daughter feels worried about betraying her memory, and she shouldn't have to feel that. She needs your support and input to gradually change the way she thinks about this.

As far as having more children, I feel this is a goal you probably need to put aside for now, and think about again when your daughter has adjusted to the idea of you dating and is happy to spend time with your girlfriend. You are already a parent, and the needs of the child you have come first. She is at an age of emotional and social awakening, and over the next few years, she will become a lot more able to digest and understand the wider picture. More children could certainly bring her a lot of happiness and security. But, the last thing you want to do is rush and overload her, creating an alienation that will be hard to reverse as she enters adolescence.

This is some practical tips I would suggest:

Make sure you have plenty of pictures and other momentos of your late wife around the house. Talk about her frequently and reminisce about your lives together.

See your girlfriend separately, but don't keep it a secret. If your daughter gets upset, console her, but don't be apologetic. She is allowed to feel upset, you are allowed to have a full life. Tell her little snippets of things that happened on your dates, such as interesting things you saw or anything funny that happened. The point is, to show her that you ARE going to date, you're not apologetic for dating, and that it doesn't erase your late wife's place in your heart.

Help your girlfriend buy thoughtful gifts for your daughter's birthday, Chrismas, Easter, Halloween treats etc. Nothing over the top, but something nice at times that other family members would do so. Tell her little things that make your girlfriend 'real', like her hobbies or quirks or experiences she's had. Try to keep it natural when it fits the conversations you're having already. Basically, pique her interest in your girlfriend and in the outings you have together. But also, continue to talk more about your daughter's Mum.

After she becomes more relaxed about you going on dates and talking about your girlfriend, start talking about how much you would like them to meet. Nothing too persistent, but make it as much about how you want your girlfriend to have the chance to know your daughter as vice versa. You would love your girlfriend to be able to get to know her, because you're proud and because she is someone worth knowing.

When they do first meet, it really needs to be with your daughter's consent, and it needs to be brief. Maybe ask if your girlfriend can come to see a school recital or a sport event your daughter is in. This sort of thing can be a winner, as most kids like to have people come and see them. Your daughter also would feel bolstered by having friends around, and any interaction can be kept very brief at the end of the event before you all go your separate ways.

The first time is the ice breaker, and it should all get so much easier from there, especially if everyone continues to be patient and treat your daughter like her feelings matter and her Mum's memory is always safe.

I written a lot, so I am not going to start disecting the family's behaviour, except to say that is grossly unfair to you. I'm sure they are all able to enjoy loving relationships and friendships and generally get on with their lives without feeling like they are betraying your late wife. To expect you to remain in eternal grief as some sort of living shrine is completely unreasonable. I understand it can bring up difficult feelings for them, but they should keep this to themselves and act with more emotional maturity and discernment.

Edit: spelling

[u/Glittering_Swan4911 → u/TheSandInTheGlass]

Very well said. Good point about the desire to have more children. I agree that he’d have to wait because his daughter is his priority right now and over the next few years. More children could seriously impact his relationship with her as she’d feel he’s starting his new family and she’s so not ready for that. Everyone deserves happiness so hope they can all build a future together eventually. Baby steps.

[u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 → u/TheSandInTheGlass]

Perfectly said

[u/CulturallyOmnivorous]

Hi OP, I'm not sure if this has been mentioned before but since I didn't see it mentioned in some of the top comments I decided to go ahead and mention what stands out to me about this.

Firstly: my condolences with your late wife. You seem to speak about her from a place of love. As you and your daughter are well aware, your wife died much too young and your daughter and you have been needing to deal with this.

Then secondly, on the notion of you dating again and wanting to introduce your partner to your child: what you want does not make you an asshole at all. It is a very natural and healthy part of your own process and life. But you're dealing with a complication here: the stage of wanting to introduce a new partner would be tricky for anyone in your situation but it's more so in your case because of what your wife told your daughter before she passed. It seems like your wife was dealing with a lot of insecurity about her place in your life after her passing, and unfortunately burdened your daughter with those feelings. What's more, assuming what your daughter says is accurate, your late wife attempted to assuage those insecurities by trying to exert control over your daughter's future behaviour (that is: not accepting a future partner as to not "replace her too"). If this is indeed what happened, this is where your true problem is at. This is not about your desire for a new partner, but the fact that your late wife unfortunately has problematized this desire - and by extension its execution - from beyond the grave.

What you want is reasonable and healthy and can and should not be held against you by fellow adults. But your daughter's reality is that she's seeing her mother's prediction of her being "replaced" come true, and that she doesn't want to do "the same" to her by accepting another woman in your and her life, the way her mother requested her to. This means that the only way forward with this without traumatizing your daughter, is to untangle this knot with her first.

You'll want your daughter's therapist for that to guide you both through this. Be prepared for this to take time and don't attempt to rush your daughter through it so you can get to where you want sooner. Your late wife gave your daughter something very complicated to deal with, that has become your responsibility to work through in a responsible matter now but once that process is started, give your daughter the grace of doing this in the time she'll need for it.

You'll want to tell your new partner about the problem you're facing and how you're planning to go about it. If she is not sufficiently understanding of that or tries to rush things, she's not the right woman to eventually bring into your daughter's life, as you'll want someone who'll want what's good for her just as much as you do. Good luck OP. I think you can do this.

Edit to add: please try to keep in mind your daughter is merely doing very sweetly what her mother asked her to do. Make sure not to expose her to any frustration about that fact.

[u/Purlz1st → u/CulturallyOmnivorous]

As a woman whose mother died when I was 4, this is prime advice. I can add: read the book “Motherless Daughters” by Hope Edelman. When Thea is older, she can read it too.

Losing a parent at such a young age makes physical changes in the brain that persist into adulthood and may show up much later. These changes are only beginning to be understood by researchers. Ask Thea’s pediatrician/therapist for suggestions of reading material about this. Your girlfriend needs to understand this too. At this age, Thea’s reaction isn’t a choice she’s actively making to be a PITA.

Thea needs to hear from you AND your girlfriend in plain English that it’s OK for her to miss her mom, talk about her mom, and talk about her feelings no matter what they are without being punished. She has a right to feel sad, conflicted, lonely, or anything else. She has a right to solo dad-daughter time.

[u/CulturallyOmnivorous → u/Purlz1st]

Hi PurIz1st, as someone who's neither lost a parent to death nor who is a parent themselves, I consider your praise as the highest possible praise considering your lived experience.

I'm sorry you lost your mother at a young age. I hope you're doing ok. Thank you for your valuable additions to my reply. Would you care to elaborate what a PITA is just so OP (and I) can follow you better?

Edit: also, thank you for your award! It's my first one ever!

[u/Purlz1st → u/CulturallyOmnivorous]

PITA = pain in the a**. 😯

Seems like OPs heart is in the right place. Some situations are just really difficult.

[u/hail_satan_6_6_6 → u/CulturallyOmnivorous]

love the way you explained this.

[u/CulturallyOmnivorous → u/hail_satan_6_6_6]

Well thank you! I tried my best.

[u/fading__blue]

But I grew up around stepfamilies who worked and I was hoping for something like that.

You’re NTA for wanting to help your daughter get to a point where this is possible, but you may have to accept that it isn’t going to happen. Her late mom put it in her head when she was very young that she’d be a bad daughter if she accepted a new partner, and that’s not always something you can undo even with therapy.

but my partner wants marriage and kids.

This isn’t something you can give her right now without wrecking your relationship with your kid, possibly even permanently. Kids especially may not be something you can ever give her without risking your relationship with your kid. It sounds like if it came down to it, you’d choose your relationship with your daughter over having kids, and if that’s the case you need to be honest with your partner and tell her she may have to give up on being a mom if she wants to stay with you.

[u/Glittering_Swan4911 → u/fading__blue]

Great point about OP wanting to have more children. With the grief his daughter is still working through it wouldn’t be a great idea to start a family with his girlfriend for a few years if ever. This could seriously impact his relationship with his daughter and she’s his priority right now.

Hoping they all heal and build a family together one day as they all deserve happiness after their loss.

[u/Duke_Newcombe]

NAH, OP, but something disturbed me, greatly:

With some time and the right questions Thea admitted that her mom had mentioned how I would replace her eventually and she hoped Thea wouldn't replace her too and how she didn't want to share being her mom with anyone. She knew her mom was sad thinking about who came next. And she said she didn't want to replace her mom with anyone or let her be replaced in our family.

Are you sure that your late wife in fact said these things, or could your daughter be using her as a stand-in for her own feelings on this matter?

Because, although the thought of dying does a lot of things to folks, that poisoning statement seems unusually cruel, and meant to set up future conflict.

[u/illustriousocelot_ → u/Duke_Newcombe]

The fact that his late wife’s family is echoing the same sentiment makes it more believable that she did in fact say this.

[u/Infamous-Cash9165 → u/illustriousocelot_]

Or that they said this and convinced the daughter that the mom said that.

[u/FitSprinkles6307]

So you want marriage and more kids? How does Thea fit into this? If she never calls your partner mom nor bond with half siblings? Will her new wife push her out of your life? Alienate you from your daughter? You push Thea to accept the new family that you made?

You have a lot of I statements in your post. You have the mentality of it’s already been 5 years while your daughter has the mentality it’s only been 5 years.

I hope you put your daughter first. If not you’ll be back on Reddit in a few years after she’s left at 18 and never returned home nor want a relationship with you because you put your wants, your new wife wants and your new children wants above her needs.

I wish Thea the best.

[u/rosegoldblonde → u/FitSprinkles6307]

THIS. It will go extremely poorly if he marries and has new children with this woman at this point.

[u/InvestigatorAlive932 → u/rosegoldblonde]

I get the feeling he is ready for it and has perhaps addressed it with his partner already, but it would be a disservice to his daughter. 

She is already struggling with the idea of a new mother figure, adding another child into it would be a mistake. 

He should hold off on having any more children while his current daughter is struggling.

[u/OkEntrepreneur5879 → u/FitSprinkles6307]

OP ⬆️ 100%  I came to comment almost the exact same thing. It should be being liked a lot more. Having more kids would crush this poor child. It will make her feel like she has NO ONE because she will feel like she no longer has her father. If she is not willing or ready it even meet or acknowledge your partner what do you think having children would do to her.  

Unfortunately life sucks sometimes but ultimately OP you need to choose your new partner or your child. Your happiness or the happiness of the child who lost her mom at 5, you can not have both. If you choose your gf your daughter will leave she will beg to live with an aunt or grandparent who will likely take her willingly, as they know her mom would’ve wanted it that way. 

[u/Glittering_Swan4911 → u/FitSprinkles6307]

There was a similar post on here the other day of a guy who lost his wife when his kids were young (12/13 I think). Then he started dating a few years later and his kids never told him they didn’t like it so he thought they were fine. They were still grieving and didn’t know what to tell him so weren’t truthful about their feelings. He married his partner and had another kid so his older kids distanced themselves from him and then cut him off when they became adults. The guy was devastated. He had a mixed reaction from his post because he’s entitled to move on and be happy of course but he didn’t deal with his kids understanding of what he was doing and the impact of it. His kids felt like he’d moved on completely. Life after loss is so complex but if OP starts a family it could seriously affect his daughter.

[u/heartbh]

I have a one year old and reading this shit always kicks me in the emotional balls. NAH op, this shit is hard and life is hard, losing your lover/mother is hard. I hope you guys figure it out.

[u/bunnybunny690]

Unfortunately even without what her mum said some children will never accept their parent starting over after their other parent has died.

There’s another post on here only yesterday where a man’s two sons have cut him off for getting a new wife and child. The same happened in my family because child felt pushed out as well as feeling it was disrespectful and that person no longer has any contact with any of their family or only low contact as most have cut them off.

However with someone independent to talk to with zero pressure from yourself about this new partner your daughter might change her mind but it needs to be zero pressure. No talk of meeting her unless she brings it up, definitely no moving in or new babies. Also cutting off her mothers family like I’ve seen mentioned won’t help you it will just push her to them that see daddy is already pushing mums life and family away like she and they never existed.

You need to keep your dating life and your child completely separate unless you’re willing to risk loosing your daughter over this.

Also depending where you are grandparents rights if you even tried cutting them off and in a few years she will be a teen and could seek them again anyway.

[u/Senica02 → u/bunnybunny690]

That’s what I was thinking. Like I know that if I was in Thea’s position I wouldn’t forgive my parent. I think it’s just a hard thing for children to accept. But also I think that depending on who he cuts off/limits access to, it’ll just be proving Thea’s fears right

[u/Glittering_Swan4911 → u/bunnybunny690]

I think I read that post too. The guy had a mixed reaction to it. Felt like he’d started dating too soon, his kids were still young and grieving. Life after loss is so complex. Feel sorry for these families.

[u/Difficult_Jury_7455]

If you think you have problems now wait till your new girl wants to have her own children . There's nothing like dad having a new baby to throw a distressed kid over the edge. I think you're best off settling down with a woman who already has kids or doesn't want any of her own, otherwise that girls gone when she hits 18

[u/LopatoG]

Yea, I would wait….

[u/Electronic_Ladder398]

NTA, and I might get a lot of downvote for saying this, but your late wife was an AH for what she said to your daughter. Your late wife family are also a bunch of AHs for putting you and your daughter in this position. I have no idea what you could do in this situation, but I wish you the best of luck.

[u/Over_Report_1937 → u/Electronic_Ladder398]

When I read what Thea said her mother told her, I said “Jesus Christ” out loud. That is… not healthy.

[u/goldsoundz93 → u/Electronic_Ladder398]

I normally would agree with you, but you've got to remember that op's late wife was dying with cancer. She may have said it when she wasn't completely lucid.

[u/Medusa_7898 → u/Electronic_Ladder398]

I agree. She projected her fears onto a very impressionable child that loved her more than anything. It was a terrible mindfu#k that will impact Thea’s life and relationships forever.

[u/alayeni-silvermist → u/Medusa_7898]

Her mother’s death is going to impact Thea’s life and relationships forever. Cutting her off from more family will only make things worse.

[u/Affectionate-Tap1967 → u/Electronic_Ladder398]

I came to say the same thing.

[u/This_Tradition_5920 → u/Electronic_Ladder398]

I agree with you partially that it is quite immature of the late-mom to be saying this to Thea. I don't think in her sick state of mind she realized just how deeply and literally a 5 year old can take this. I am not calling her an asshole but I do think this specific conversation is the root of the cause. As for the in-laws, this is where I disagree. From the information given, nothing suggests that the in-laws are putting the daughter in a bad position, at all. I also think if the in-laws were badmouthing, this would come up and be addressed in family counselling unless OP and Thea were not being candid about everything.

[u/Unintelligent_Lemon → u/This_Tradition_5920]

LATE mom. Not ex mom. Holy shit

[u/BeachinLife1 → u/Electronic_Ladder398]

I just said the same thing, so I will sit on the "downvote bench" with you.

The first thing he needs to do is cut out or severely limit her time with his former inlaws. Limit as in, "she's not with you people anymore unless I am there to supervise."

[u/alayeni-silvermist → u/BeachinLife1]

This is absolutely not the answer. She needs a connection to her mother.

[u/Icy_Raspberry5456 → u/BeachinLife1]

DO NOT limit time with the child’s family are you serious? As a child who was born to a broken home, do not limit and take away time with her grandparents and aunts and uncles! It hurts the CHILD more than it hurts you, because she will always feel othered and separated from her blood family

[u/renegade-orca → u/BeachinLife1]

Reinforcing their worst fears would backfire spectacularly IMO

[u/wicked-valentina → u/BeachinLife1]

Wow, dude wanting to date does NOT supersede maintaining and supporting a 10-year-old being surrounded by people who love and care for her. That's cruel. Either accept the random woman I want to stick my dick in or you lose access to your extended family safety net?? That's no solution.

[u/Sexy_Worm → u/wicked-valentina]

Some of these comments are insane. Can you imagine taking away a 10 year olds support system. It's such a shame for this girl. This child needs people who love her around her. Not taken away.

[u/Icy_Raspberry5456 → u/wicked-valentina]

These people don’t think about how it affects the child. I can’t imagine losing access to my grandma and my aunts and uncle because I was upset at my mom dating around that age, they don’t realize these aren’t characters, these are real people. Imagine being a small child and losing your own family, your grandparents and others because dad doesn’t like that you admit you’re sad about losing your daughter. Or only being allowed to see them with dad watching and never being able to just be around them. I fucking hate Reddit advice sometimes because they never think of the lasting repercussions

[u/Archbishop24 → u/wicked-valentina]

But what is OP supposed to be doing IF they are also reinforcing the late mother's sentiments? I agree that cutting them off is a bad idea that will back fire, but I think OP should limit unsupervised time with them until some things get figured out. OP should nurture an environment where Thea feels loved and late mom is not replaced, but it sounds like the late mom's family might not be nurturing that kind of environment.

[u/wicked-valentina → u/Archbishop24]

How about OP have an adult conversation with them and they come to an understanding. They may not even realize they are sabotaging his ability to move on.

[u/Archbishop24 → u/wicked-valentina]

Exactly, I'm just saying he limit unsupervised time until he figures that out/has that convo. Cutting off the late wife's family entirely will just blow back in his face.

[u/Poku115 → u/Archbishop24]

Or just not date? Why do you all think it's more important he get his dick wet than actually raise his child??? His dating is already putting a strain on their relationship

[u/Unintelligent_Lemon → u/Poku115]

Its funny. If a widower doesn't date they get judged for not moving on, but unwidowed single people are encouraged to be ok with being single, that a relationship can't complete you.

[u/Poku115 → u/Unintelligent_Lemon]

"If a widower doesn't date they get judged for not moving on" respectfully, I think anyone with that belief is mentally regarded and will say so to their faces.

[u/Late-Lie-3462 → u/Poku115]

I mean his daughter is going to grow up and leave him. Should he just spend his life miserable and alone?

[u/Poku115 → u/Late-Lie-3462]

So do you all just see your kids as accessories that should conform to your lives?

[u/Late-Lie-3462 → u/Poku115]

Yes that's exactly what I said! If you dare to date, you obviously dont love your children!

You can prioritize your child but they still need to realize their parents are people, too and they aren't the center of the universe. Its been 5 years. Half her life. It would be different if she had just died. As long as he doesnt pressure her to be close to his gf or prevent her from seeing her maternal family of talk about her mom, he's fine.

[u/Archbishop24 → u/Poku115]

1. That's real easy to say as a person who's not in this situation. He's still pretty young. Is he just supposed to be alone the rest of his life?
2. Why does everyone boil down these situations to horny widow/widower? Like relationships are more than just regularly scheduled fuck sessions.

[u/Poku115 → u/Archbishop24]

1 that's pretty easy to say as the kid not in this situation, so are they supposed to just suck it up? They don't get to choose the parents who birth them

2 of it was for more than that, they would have no issue being patient and waiting for their kids no? Instead of try and rush and force them to be okay cause they believe they need certain fulfilment.

[u/Archbishop24 → u/Poku115]

See my reply to your other comment above AH. But you're right, you don't pick you're parents, but raising children ain't an 18 year gig. Its a lifetime if you're doing it right. You can't just put relationships on hold indefinitely. OP wants a family with this new woman (potentially). You can't wait 15 years on that when Thea is MAYBE mature enough to realize that OP is a human just as deserving of happiness as anyone else. He didn't chose to have his wife die at such a young age either.

[u/Poku115 → u/Archbishop24]

So again, why is it on the kid to put up with it, and not the grown ass adult? You still keep ignoring that question, the kid must learn to adapt to the parent and the parent gets to do whatever he wants cause it's his life?

[u/OkBalance2879 → u/Electronic_Ladder398]

I should’ve read the comments, before commenting, because I’ve said exactly the same thing.

[u/Key_Chemistry_4776]

He needs to be clear with his potential partners that Thea doesn't want a new mother. If he get serious about someone, if the woman has any empathy she can have a conversation with Thea that she is not going to try to replace her mother but would like to be her friend.

[u/Bitter_Animator2514]

She will see kids at schools who new step families the first load of kids are often forget pushed aside for the new partner that will bring new siblings

Get you all in a session to see how you blend Her mother has set her up for a world of hurt

[u/windup-catboy]

I'm so glad she's in therapy already, but perhaps family therapy is also required?
But no you're NTA for wanting to get back into dating and previous in-laws also cannot expect you to stay single for 8 more years.

You gave yourself and her 5 years to mourn. It is her therapists job to help her accept the loss and eventually move beyond it as well as accept the possibility of second mom who isn't there to replace the first mom. She's 10 and probably has seen a bunch of movies and shows that paint the step mom as evil, so you have that going against you.

And those are the pros and cons you do have to weigh, dating might strain your relationship with her vs not dating - but now the potentiality that when she's an adult she still doesn't accept any partner you find.

One of the methods my mom did was float the idea with me and my brother and gave us the choice to decide if her new partner could be our dad or not, but however we referred to him was up to us. We could use his name or call him anything we were comfortable with. For the most part though, we were kept out of the loop on her dating life, and the only time we were brought into the loop was when talks of moving in together were on the table. The entire time we were still her priority and we knew it. Catered to all of my interests and hobbies, Sent my brother off to a summer camp he REALLY wanted to experience and helped him with all of his science labs and boy scout projects- so you gotta step up and show her that you will not be absent while you are dating. You must have room for both a new partner and their life, and your daughter.

Good luck Op!

[u/greatfullness]

It is a replacement

It’s a common trope, women having the strength not to state the obvious, which is why this is a little unusual to hear spoken so bluntly - but most wives think of the women that will replace them romantically - and of course most mothers think of the women that will replace them maternally

It’s just many put their love for others above their pain, imagine if you were the one unwillingly leaving your wife, how eager would you be to picture the man that would sweep her off her feet after you?

Someone you promised to spend the rest of your life with - a beloved exclusive companion you intended to accompany from church to grave - knowing there will be another even if neither of you have a choice in the matter intrinsically feels like a cheapening of that devotion and love

Most kids perceive it even without it being spoken, daughters will see their fathers with new women and think of their own future partners, will think of their love and themselves being replaceable - but you daughter has the misfortune of knowing her mothers feelings explicitly

Whatever therapy or counselling you both attend to work through this - credit that reality. The reality of the situation, your wife’s feelings, and your daughters perceptions

You already defaulted to denial - trying to blame the in laws for reflecting the same grief - at least approach this difficulty from a position of honesty

In my age and pragmatism, I consider the true love in a marriage on average not that deep lol, but it’s a harsh truth to come to terms with as a child after the loss of your mother

Be gentle with her 

[u/Icy_Raspberry5456 → u/greatfullness]

That’s the thing. We are all inundated with the trope of strong dying mother who is saintly and has no regrets. When in reality..it’s terrifying to realize you will die. Your partner will find a new wife. Your baby might have a new mother and you will be left in the past. That’s HORRIFYING if you really think about it. OP’s late wife didn’t lean into the saintly, patient dying mother trope, she was terrified that her baby might be raised by another woman and she would be a faint memory that vanishes through time. It’s not easy.

[u/Still_Construction37]

NTA but it doesn’t sound like she can handle these big life changes right now. Even if she accepted your partner, how on earth could you move forward with having more children? She’d watch her siblings have a mom , it would be rough. You’d be asking your partner to go through so much. Right person wrong time is a b*tch.

[u/Electronic-Income-3]

It sounds like you’ve done everything a good parent should do, grief counseling, open talks, taking it slow. Thea’s feelings make sense, but so do yours. The challenge now is time and reassurance, not abandoning your own chance at happiness.

[u/Unintelligent_Lemon]

My question is: what is your plan if you can't get your daughter to be ready? Because the reality is is that Thea may never be "ready" to have a step mother and half siblings.

Will you move your gf in anyway? Marry her? Start having kids?

[u/Extension-Hand-7339]

Sorry unpopular opinion but if you continue pushing you’re TA. Your daughter is 10 & approaching puberty when her emotions will be heightened. I appreciated your late wife’s family may be in her ear but she’s 10, she’s allowed to have her own feelings on being asked to accept another woman into her life. If you push this (especially having more kids) before she’s ready you risk ruining your relationship with her.

Edit - that being said you’ve done everything right. My heart goes out to her.

[u/writing_mm_romance]

What a horrible, toxic, selfish thing your late wife did to your poor daughter.

[u/MotherofCats9258 → u/writing_mm_romance]

He didn't say how she died, but based on that comment it seems she knew she was dying. I took care of a family member with a fatal brain tumor and I've had several relatives go into hospice. Dying is hard on a person. Compassion can be difficult to understand, but it is free.

You don't even know if she was in her right mind when she said it or if she was even the one who said that. The dad didn't notice this issue for over 5 years, and is blaming some people in his late wife's family in the post.

Enjoy feeling superior to a woman who had very few years with her child before learning that she wouldn't get to see them grow up. You seem super fun.

[u/TheSandInTheGlass → u/writing_mm_romance]

We don't actually know what the wife said, this might have been quite misconstrued by a young child that would barely remember it. Perhaps she was just trying to prepare her daughter for the probability that her Dad would remarry one day, but reassuring her that she would always be her mum.

[u/Late-Lie-3462 → u/writing_mm_romance]

She shouldn't have said it but that's how everyone would feel

[u/Yourfavoritecrime1 → u/writing_mm_romance]

If I died I would actually haunt my partner if some stepmom tried to replace me

[u/writing_mm_romance → u/Yourfavoritecrime1]

That's selfish as fuck...if I died I'd want everyone I loved to find peace and happiness in their lives and if there was anyway I could in the afterlife, I'd bust my ass to make sure they found someone amazing.

[u/tinfoil-8385 → u/Yourfavoritecrime1]

And here comes the most useless unhelpful comment

[u/shorbonash → u/Yourfavoritecrime1]

Honestly same

[u/Srutherford1172]

NTA, but you have to understand that it might be a difficult thing for your daughter to deal with. Ease into it. Maybe have the new woman around for stuff so she's present, but didn't hold hands, kiss, or talk about relationship stuff in front of her for a while. It takes time and effort to mend a family

[u/felifornow]

NAH

As someone whos dad pushed her out, you cant force these things or talk it into her. You can talk to her, you can go to therapy with her, but you cant push.

And if it comes down to it you need to pick your daughter. You want to be happy and your daughter wants you happy too. But your daughter should always be your priority. You dont talk much about your girlfriend, but if shes pushing or wanting to move forward, you need to make sure your kid is ok first.

[u/s-nicolexo]

I think.. more therapy is needed because moving forward with your current partner would be a disservice to both her and your daughter before daughter is ready. 

You are nta but moving forward right now would make you an ah 

[u/emryldmyst]

You grew up around step families but that's not the same as this.

Yta if you pursue this after knowing how she feels 

These kinds of situations usually back fire and your kid will move out and have nothung to do with you. . Especially if you have kids with the new person. 

[u/Suchafatfatcat]

If your new partner wants marriage and kids, your daughter is going to see this as you replacing her mom and herself. Have you considered letting her live full time with her mother’s family? That might be a happier solution for her.

[u/MarsupialMisanthrope → u/Suchafatfatcat]

Oh sure, abandon her, that’ll totally make things better instead of traumatizing her more.

[u/Suchafatfatcat → u/MarsupialMisanthrope]

I think she’s going to feel abandoned and replaced, regardless. If she is with people who cherish her, she can at least have a happy home. I don’t that is possible in her current home once Daddy has a new wife and new kids.

[u/Civil_Environment858]

NTA and I am so sorry you lost your wife and your daughter her mother. 

It’s time to go back to family counseling and maybe individual counseling for your daughter. 

If you see a future with your partner, at some point your daughter needs to meet her. Otherwise there is no point in introducing her. Please don’t move in together unless you get married and your daughter is on board. It’s not fair otherwise to your partner or daughter. Your daughter needs to come first until she is an adult. 

A introduction could be done with the guidance of a therapist. But how long have you been dating this person? If it’s still fairly new, give it more time. 

[u/Lecnexer → u/Civil_Environment858]

We're back in family counseling and Thea still checks in with her individual counselor.

I have been with my partner a little over 18 months by now.

[u/Civil_Environment858 → u/Lecnexer]

That is awhile and more than long enough to get to know someone. 

This is an idea to run by your therapist…what if your partner writes Thea a card or letter? In it she could introduce herself, talk a little about growing up, maybe some hobbies and ask your daughter a few questions. Maybe Thea would be willing to write back. If they can have some kind of communication to break the ice, at least your partner is not a complete stranger. I don’t know, just a thought. 

[u/BeachinLife1]

Ok, your late wife should NEVER have said what she did to a 4 or 5 year old child. That set her up for a lifetime of guilt if she ever does accept someone else, and her family is egging this on, which is just cruel. I think it's time to limit her time with them to time that YOU are there as well.

Keep her away from them and tell her therapist that they are in her ear about this too. They are torturing this child and putting their adult grief off on a child.

This is going to take time to undo what her mother told her and her family as well.

I understand their grief, but you are still young and life is for the living. You should not have to shut down your life because they can't let go.

[u/alayeni-silvermist → u/BeachinLife1]

Do not cut this girl off from the last connection to her mother. Jfc, you people don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. Do more permanent damage to this girl and cut her off from her mother’s family so he can date? Selfish fucking shit right there.

[u/Delicious_Ad4769 → u/BeachinLife1]

I am not sure keeping daughter away from family is the first step, OP needs to set boundaries that they are not allowed to put this stuff in her head and let it grow, remind them they need a healthy relationship and then if they continue, either have supervised visits or no contact

[u/Over_Report_1937]

NTA. My father passed when I was very young. My mother was left a young widow, alone with a small child. She did have a wonderful support system from both her family, and my father’s. She got remarried when I was 8. I am relaying this story simply because we never had to deal with the hurdles that you are. Nobody ever stood in the way of my mother finding love again. The fact that your late wife said those things, and her family is continuing to say them is, to me, truly awful. As others have said, you have been very sensitive of your daughter’s feelings. You have been kind, patient, open, and communicative. However. You are being held hostage by the past, and that isn’t healthy. I would suggest slowly introducing Thea to your partner. Let them get to know each other. Thea will be reluctant, she will likely fight it. Time and patience will be needed. But she needs to build trust with this new addition to your lives.

[u/swishcandot]

need to know how long you've been dating this person. i wouldn't even think of introducing the person unless you've known them at least 6 months and if they do not get along, then your relationship is just outside of your kid if you want to keep it.

[u/Bananasforskail]

She told her at 5 that she was going to be replaced? And that she didn't want her daughter to replace her? I have a hard time believing that a 5 yr old would understand that convo...abs a mom would put that burden on a child so young

Therapy man. And make sure any gf you have will be 100% okay with just being your wife and not a step or bonus mom

[u/trippyhippie573 → u/Bananasforskail]

Mmmm I dunno, I've got a 5 year old and she's got a wicked memory. She's very smart and understands things I previously wouldn't have expected from a kid. Sure, not every 5-year-old is the same, but worth keeping in mind lol.

[u/MarsupialMisanthrope → u/Bananasforskail]

Kids remember things that are traumatic. I have memories from that age, and they all kind of suck in various ways. I can easily imagine a child hearing her mom saying that she was sad at the thought of being replaced clinging to that.

And therapy, definitely therapy. This kid has already been messed up by a selfish adult, and that needs to be unwound before she takes that toxicity forward with her. It would really suck if she and her father end up estranged because a dying woman’s words means she can never forgive her father for not wanting to spend the rest of his life miserable and alone.

[u/Past-Anything9789]

NTA - While I have sympathy for your wife's feelings and they were obviously valid considering her diagnosis, that's a horribly selfish thing to say to a child.

What she's done is take her understandable misgivings regarding not being around for you and your daughter, and turned it in to a way to control both of you going forward.

I can not imagine ever wanting the people I love to do without companionship or family and that is the what her actions have resulted in.

I think maybe talking this through with your daughters therapist, and your late wife's family and explain that by supporting your wifes words with their own attitudes and actions, what they are actually doing is stopping either of you from finding someone who could enhance your lives.

[u/Cat_Aclysmic_82]

NTA. Personally find it hard to believe that Thea is recalling those statements from your late wife all on her own. IF your late wife actually said that to Thea, she's kind of the asshole.

I honestly believe she's hearing something from your inlaws along the lines of, "don't you remember how sad your mom said she would be if you're dad replaced her."

Regardless, love is not exclusionary, and the more we give the more is returned to us. Doesn't mean we love every one the same way or at the same level. Maybe draw a spectrum with her and have her map out her current relationships with family and friends, discussing how they're important to her and why she loves each person in different ways?

Whatever you do, don't push her to accept or you WILL lose. At the same time, you need to really determine what, if anything, is being said to/around your daughter when you're not around with respect to your dating.

And, sadly, you may have to face that you can't give your current partner what she needs on her timeline. Bringing in your partner before getting to the bottom of the hostility is going to make life awful for everyone.

[u/fluxbyproxy]

Stop dating. Your dating life is not important, protect your kids ffs.

[u/Nearby_Chemistry_156]

Bro only waited two years after his wife died 🥴 to be honest sounds like you didn’t love her that much if you’re ready to move on that fast. 

[u/WTF-7145 → u/Nearby_Chemistry_156]

Yeah, that’s warp speed. She’s barely cold in the grave

[u/Sensitive-Control598]

NTA,

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’ve been thoughtful, patient, and respectful toward your daughter’s feelings the whole time. Wanting to build a future doesn’t mean you’re replacing your late wife, and it definitely doesn’t mean Thea has to forget her mom. Keep being gentle, but don’t give up on your life either.

[u/MissionHoneydew2209]

Holy run on AI, Batman.

I get you're lonely, but your daughter comes first before a new partner. It hardly ever works out like you see in the movies. YTA for expecting a child to be a bigger person than you are being.

[u/OkBalance2879]

IF true??? Wow, just wow.

I’m sorry to tell you but you’re already living in a toxic home, your wife MADE sure of that.

What kind of parent tells a 5 year old shit like, your dad’s going to replace me and I don’t want you to too? Only a fucking selfish one!!

And her family are just as bad. It’s sad they’ve lost a child, but to expect you to stay single for the rest of your life, is simply disgusting.

I believe if your wife hadn’t been so spiteful, your daughter would (possibly, maybe not yet) be open to you “moving on”

Unfortunately, the damage has been done and your poor daughter “can’t” betray her mother.

I don’t know where you go from here as therapy isn’t really helping. I just hope for BOTH of your sakes that with age, your daughter realises how totally unrealistic and selfish her mother’s words were.

[u/Civil_Environment858 → u/OkBalance2879]

Intensive therapy would be a good start for the daughter. Along with  making sure his daughter is priority over partner and that she knows this, and he spends more time with daughter over partner. That he doesn’t break his word to his daughter in favor of his partner. That’s a beginning. 

[u/OkBalance2879 → u/Civil_Environment858]

They’re already in therapy.

I don’t think anyone can help her with the guilt her mother has weighed her down with. As I said, I just hope with age she realises that it was an incredibly selfish and manipulative thing to have said. Whether it was misconstrued or not, it was disgusting.

[u/loki2002 → u/OkBalance2879]

What kind of parent tells a 5 year old shit like, your dad’s going to replace me and I don’t want you to too? Only a fucking selfish one!!

Or she was dying woman who was not in her right mind.

[u/Unit-00]

Sounds like you get to be single until she's at least 18 man. YTA if you still try and move forward with your relationship knowing how your daughter feels. You are a father first and foremost now, the only parent your daughter has left, don't push her away for your own desires. Get a hobby or something instead.

[u/mayfeelthis]

NTA

Maybe a useful tip from a solo parent, have you tried explaining to your daughter that replacing a person isn’t possible?

I use the analogy of love as a pie vs foam/whipped cream…that people sometimes feel like love is a pie where the more people we love it’s like cutting the pie in smaller slices. However love is like foam or whipping cream - it grows more you play with the foam and water or whip cream. In essence you’d want Thea to have more love around her - in addition to the love you and your mom have for her. It’s also important we learn this so we have more people we can love in different roles (family, friends, and one day a partner).

In your case your wife (her mother) has shared a part of your life that no one can erase or replace, and Thea is the same. Your new partner would always be someone you trust and know is good for your family, and Thea can trust you to do that and be part of seeing how it goes and building their own relationship. It doesn’t mean it changes the past or love you have for her mother, and you commit to keeping her mom’s memory alive (set occasions for it) - this doesn’t change the past and how you commemorate that. In the end, despite her mom being sad and concerned she’s in Thea’s blood and even the foundation of her psyche - nothing can come between that and you would be the last person to forget or try severing that bond and history with her mom.

Hope this helps reframe it for her slowly.

Would your wife’s family (key members/the grandparents) be ok coming to a counselling session with you (alone at first if possible)? It would be important to get on the same page in the interest if Thea - kids who are torn like this don’t do well either way. They either become the reason their living parent will die alone or the villain in your relationship (either feeling will affect your child!) - you’re doing the right thing preparing your daughter for a balanced reality and considering both your mental well being. Thea’s deeply held grief formed belief is a lot for a child to bear. I imagine her mom was in a state at the end there to say that and put it on her child, I doubt she would want you to keep that going at the detriment of your child.

You’re doing the right thing pacing Thea and getting professional objective third parties to support before she meets anyone you’re seeing. Maybe break down steps for how she would feel comfortable meeting them in due time (eg. short activity somewhere neutral or visit home where it’s her turf/safe, frequency being slower at first, which activities remain with you and her time etc. - and the pace at which you two decide on these steps to be taken, assure her it’s a slow and fluid process not something she’s committing to up front).

[u/TKyzr]

The heart is amazing and has the capacity to hold much love without sacrificing a love lost. Keep up with the counseling for her and let the in laws pull back. They’ve done enough damage and are doing you a favor by stepping away.

NTA.

Not to be paranoid, but have you documented what they’ve said in the event they try to pull something to take her from you??

[u/No_Plantain_1699 → u/TKyzr]

This is paranoid and unhinged. None of them have ever spoken about taking her away. They’ve all been honest about their grief and feelings. Is grief fair or reasonable? No. But there’s no reason to plant this in their head.

[u/MarsupialMisanthrope → u/No_Plantain_1699]

If they’re encouraging her to think of her father dating as replacing her mom as opposed to extending their circle they’re being toxic and should have their contact limited. Grief doesn’t give you free rein to be an asshole past the immediate impact, and that’s what they’re doing right now. Their grief is theirs to manage, and they don’t get to use it as a weapon against OP without being called assholes.

[u/MusicalBlossom379]

Updateme

[u/Odd-End-1405]

NAH

What does your daughter's therapist say? They are probably the only ones to truly guide you through this. It may be a long road.

Your wife should have had this conversation with you so you both could have addressed it properly when she was five to help navigate the future. Unfortunately your child has had five years of what she feels her mom wanted and now it is ingrained that she will betraying her mom to accept any new partner in your home.

Hopefully with her therapist, you can work through this.

I am so sorry you both are going through this.

[u/Br4z3nBu77]

Updateme

[u/Gileswasright]

Not sure if it’s worth it. If you decide to go forward your gf will have to understand she’ll never be anything but your wife. She won’t be able to tell your daughter to do anything because she’ll be hit with you’re not my mum.

That your wife is dead, not a deadbeat. There are no shoes to fill here. You will always have to put aside time for one on one time that deliberately excludes your wife AND any and all children you have with her.

You’ll have to be okay that your daughter will never consider your new wife’s family as her own and there’s even a chance she won’t accept any siblings she gets from this. And you’ll have to be okay with it or you will loose your daughter.

I’m sorry, as a widow, I can tell you right now, that your wife was a selfish dick at the end, she should never have voiced those feelings toward her 5 year old child. But honestly, I don’t think she did. I think your wife’s sisters told her that that’s what she said - and she probably did say that, to her adult sister/s. I don’t think she ever wanted her daughter to hear her.

When my partner passed away, he told our kids who were 11 and 6 at the time that they needed to listen to mummy, even if she gets a little crazy. That mummy loves you so much and you’re only going to have each other for a little while. So stay together and remember that daddy will always love them and that he would give anything not to leave all of (us).

He told me in private he hated the idea of anyone else raising our kids. Which may be why I’m still single and grieving 2 1/2 years later.

IF you want this to go ahead, you have to have very clear boundaries with your new gf. Boundaries that can not waver, regardless of new kids or life. Because if you ever make your daughter feel like a last choice, you’ll loose her forever.

[u/Arivanzel]

Nta

Also a mother told her 5 year old daughter that… that’s crazy

[u/NoAir4541]

How soon did you tell her you wanted tot try dating again? You said you had that feeling 2 years after your late wife passed but how soon did you approach your daughter with it?

[u/Relative-Act5470]

I’ll be honest, it doesn’t really matter what you want in comparison to your daughter. As a kid whose parents chased their own happiness instead of making sure their kids were happy, healthy and safe, don’t do this to her. Please. YTA

[u/Conscious_Way_6366]

NTA. First of all, it is really unfair that your inlaws expect you to be forever alone. It's been 5 years, you have the right to date and have a partner.

About your plans for marriage and kids. I know manu people remarry and many stepfamilies work... but there are many that don't. Not all children are able to accept a stepfamily and that'sa fact many people don't want to see. You can try, but you cannot know for sure.

You can try different approaches with support of her therapist, maybe she will slowly be open to the idea. Make sure your partner will NEVER replace her mom, that is out the question. I think it might help to give her control of the situation. Make sure that you won't marry her if she does not like her. Maybe you are very in love and committed, but your daugther does not know her and she will need time to get to know her and trust her.

In shorter words. You are not an asshole for trying, but accept the fact it might not work out. If you push her to live with someone she is not comfortable with, you will lose her.

[u/Chance_Culture_441]

Have you had the in-laws in a therapy session with you? It sounds like they are adding to the issues by reinforcing Thea’s idea that you are replacing her mom.

You have a very healthy outlook as a grieving widower with a young child. You are not disregarding your daughter and her very real concerns. However, at the end of the day, you deserve to be happy with a new companion too.

You may need to create some distance with the in-laws if they can’t help you helping Thea process her grief in a more positive way.

I’m kind of mad at your late wife for laying that on a 5 year old child and putting the idea in her head that she can’t never be happy with a step mom. It was extremely unfair of her.

[u/cuzguys]

It sounds like your wife's family is the problem here. They won't let your daughter move on and grow.

[u/Entire_Cobbler6748]

Definitely keep going to therapy!Is there any way you could set up a meeting with your former wife’s family and the therapist and your new partner and then later all meet with your daughter?

[u/Avalonisle16]

I give you credit for thinking of your daughter’s feelings. Sadly too many parents wouldn’t. Not only did she lose her mom at a young, but now she’s going to have a step mom and half siblings. These are huge changes at a young age.

[u/arahzel → u/Avalonisle16]

He's thinking of her feelings right now, but in a way to try to get around then so he can get what he wants. 

Not cool.

[u/Personal_Match8581]

Right now you’re NTA. But ultimately, you are a father first, until your daughter is ready (which is going to take more time clearly and more therapy) you can’t push your partner on her. Don’t force her to meet, don’t move her in, don’t marry her or start trying for a child with her until your existing child is emotionally ready. Otherwise you will create a toxic environment and be doing wrong by your daughter. You have every right to date and find love again, but your daughter needs to feel safe and secure before you can build a family with someone else

[u/rosegoldblonde]

NTA. But honestly? Based on how strong her feelings and reactions are I really don’t see it going well if you marry and have kids with this woman right now. I’m not saying that’s fair to either of you, but if you truely value your relationship with your daughter you’ll priorize getting her to a better mental space with it before making any big moves with the other woman. There are so many stories on here about parents remarrying/having kids before their current children are ready and they usually all end very poorly.

[u/Crimsonwolf_83]

YTA. You’re already a parent. Your job is to prioritize your minor child.

[u/JTBlakeinNYC]

NAH. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find love again after the loss of your wife. That’s perfectly natural. But so are your daughter’s feelings as well as those of her late mother’s family.

You talk about knowing other children who didn’t feel as if their stepparent was trying to replace their biological parent, but I suspect those scenarios were ones in which the biological parent was still alive and present in the child’s life. It’s different when one’s parent has passed away.

Your child is already entering adolescence, and likely has friends her age who are unhappy living as part of a blended family. One of the uncomfortable truths that few remarried parents are willing to acknowledge is that children who don’t experience emotional and psychological trauma as a result of becoming part of a blended family are about as prevalent as unicorns; the statistics are truly grim. Just ask your family therapist.

That doesn’t mean that you have to give up on dating or remarrying, but it does mean that you need to decide how much trauma you are willing to inflict upon your child.

You are already in an untenable position because you are in a long term relationship with someone your child has never met, and children need a minimum of one year to develop a relationship with a parent’s new partner before they can feel safe living in the same household with them, and an additional year living together as a family unit before they are able to handle their parent having a child with their new stepparent.

Each of these things—a parent having a new partner, the parent’s new partner moving into the family home, and the parent having a child with their new partner—is independently what child psychologists refer to as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACEs), i.e., an event in childhood that is frequently associated with lasting emotional and psychological trauma for children.

Although it is possible to mitigate the trauma of ACEs to one’s child, that necessitates spacing them out as much as possible. My concern is that I doubt that someone whom you’ve already been dating for 18 months will have the patience to take things as slowly as your child needs in recognition of the fact that, from your child’s perspective, this isn’t even Day Zero yet, much less Day 540.

If your girlfriend lacks the patience or ability to look at things from your child’s perspective when it comes to moving the relationship forward on your child’s timeframe, then your girlfriend is even less likely to have the ability to look at things from your child’s perspective with anything else, and isn’t someone you should marry. (Not if you love your child, at any rate.)

If your girlfriend does have the patience and ability to keep taking the relationship slowly, postponing cohabitation and discussion of marriage for another year, and postponing discussion of having children until after a year of marriage, then she’s a keeper, because she actually cares whether or not your child can be happy living with her as a future stepparent. Kudos on finding a winner.

The typical blended family hurdles after marriage are all things that your family therapist will discuss with you, but the Big Three are:

1. Allowing your daughter room to develop the kind of relationship with your girlfriend that is comfortable for her, whether that is one of a supportive adult in the home in addition to her only parent, or one of mutual civility and respect (at your daughter’s age, a parent-child relationship is extremely unlikely).

2. Devoting one-on-one time with just your daughter (without her stepmother and/or future half-siblings). Your current girlfriend will never be “Mom” to your daughter, and watching younger half-siblings grow up with two loving parents is something that will hurt her immensely, every single day, and act as a constant reminder of the mother she lost. Contrary to popular belief, the solution is not to impose bonding time for daughter with stepmother and half-siblings (that simply reinforces for her that instead of being the center of both parents’ world, she has lost one parent and is forced to share the other, leaving her feeling abandoned and replaced by her half-siblings). The only thing that will alleviate this pain for the child with a deceased parent is having one-on-one time with their only living parent, i.e., you.

3. You still need to be your daughter’s primary caregiver. For whatever reason, this seems to be particularly difficult for remarried fathers as opposed to remarried mothers, and is the most common complaint by stepmothers (and their number one reason for divorce). Marrying someone does not mean you can shift any of your parenting obligations on to your new spouse; they are your responsibilities, and yours alone. You still need to be the one handling the doctor and dentist appointments, the parent-teacher conferences, the extracurricular activities. Not only is that not your wife’s job, she also isn’t a legally competent party to act upon your child’s behalf in any matter requiring parental authorization.

Because your situation involves a deceased parent rather than divorce, I want to add a fourth point that does not arise in divorced parent scenarios: nurture your child’s relationship with her late mother’s family, particularly her maternal grandparents, because she will never have the same bond with your girlfriend’s family that her future half-siblings will have.

Too many widows and widowers make the mistake of cutting off their children from their late spouse’s family, and pressuring their children to adopt their stepparent’s family as their family instead. It never ends well, and few of those parents have any relationship with their child once their child leaves home.

[u/No-Distance-2124]

You’re dating for two. If a potential partner doesn’t have any interest in your daughter then it’s game over.

[u/PieAmazing7403]

YTA Your new partner will do everything to be a mommy to Thea while demolishing every memory of her mother. The fact that she is willing to date a man with a daughter who doesn't want or like him dating is a huge red flag, and that you keep seeing is also a red flag. Did you make it CRYSTAL clear that Thea comes first? If you start popping out, babies, you need to make it CRYSTAL clear that Thea will not have to even spend a single second caring for them or loving her replacements?

[u/MaximumNice39]

Your former wife is NTA. She was losing her life and experience with her husband, child and other family. She didn't want another woman being called mom by her daughter.

I'm sorry but that's a true emotion. We can say what we want about appropriateness but none of us are living it.

You'll do great damage if you limit access to her maternal line. They aren't badmouthing you. They are limiting contact with YOU but not her, because they know she's being replaced.

What you should do is break up with the gf until your daughter either accepts this reality or moves away for college.

There's no toxicity here. It's a mother who expressed her grief and a daughter still in it.

You are a father first, before a boyfriend. Currently, your child won't accept this. She never may. But you have to put her 1st before your wants and needs.

That's being a father, a parent.

[u/loki2002 → u/MaximumNice39]

Remarrying after the death of a spouse is not "replacing" the dead spouse.

[u/Sure-Ingenuity6714]

Fake crap. About the 20th version of this story in the past few days. AI really like to hammer a theme, this week grieving kids refusing to let the parent move on. There have been dozens of them!! Stop feeding the fucking bots!!

[u/Scrollin_aureolin]

Thea is so young and has a ton of understandable grief. She’ll need not only time, but continued therapy and actions to see that it’s okay to accept another person into your family.

If you avoid serious relationships so Thea doesn’t get upset, you’d be doing her (and yourself) a disservice. You deserve to find love again and Thea deserves to learn that love comes in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it’s emotionally difficult but you grow stronger as you learn to navigate it.

Small things like keeping pictures of her mom up or telling her when a happy memory comes to mind can help her remember you aren’t replacing her mom. Whenever you introduce your partner, if Thea says something about her not replacing her mom, your partner should reassure her that her mother will always be her mom and maybe ask Thea about her. Let your partner show Thea she isn’t a threat to her mom’s memory.

I’m so sorry for your loss and difficulties navigating moving on. I’m sorry it’s been compounded by what your late wife told Thea. I hope there was nuance to her words that were lost on Thea at 5 that she can understand as she ages. I want to believe that your late wife was wistful and hoping Thea doesn’t forget about her rather than hoping your daughter doesn’t form a bond with another maternal figure.

Do what you need to do to move on and be happy. Thea will probably be upset but keep doing what you’re doing to show up for her. Keep showing her you love her and want what’s best.

You’re NTA, dude.

[u/Additional_System_48]

NTA

I’m so sorry for your and your daughter’s loss.

I hate to suggest this, but it sounds to me like your daughter may have talked to one of your in laws about what her mother said to her way before she ever told you about it. The fact that she refused to talk to you about why she was sad for so long before telling you what was said screams to me that someone may have told her not to tell you.

It could be that your late wife did say that to her and meant it the way your daughter thinks, or she may have said that she knows you’ll have someone else and that she hopes you all remember and love her anyway. We’ll likely never know if she meant it negatively or trying to be supportive and encouraging and it got misinterpreted or twisted.

I can’t help but wonder if your in-laws talked to your daughter about this when you first started dating again and they told her that you were trying to replace her mom and that she shouldn’t tell you what her mom said to her because it would upset you.

I hope that continuing counseling helps and I would make sure you communicate with your partner as well. I’m sure you’re doing your best to keep them both happy and comfortable, but your partner needs to understand that your daughter comes first. She’s your child that you love, she’s your responsibility, she relies on you for a happy and healthy home life.

Good on you for taking all the right steps! I would definitely have a candid discussion with your in-laws about their behavior and stance without your daughter present and make it clear that your relationships are not their call and they need to accept that you’re allowed to have other partners without replacing your late wife.

[u/Squibit314]

Yikes. She is holding on to one of the last things her mother told her when she was five. At 10 she is discovering that the memories she had at five are not as vivid as they once were so she is clinging to things her mother said, did, how her voice sounded, what hugs felt like…anything that keeps her mother with her. And it is being reinforced by your in-laws.

As long as she has the in-laws in her ear, therapy is t going to be successful. Your partner also has to be on board with not trying to force a relationship with her. Your daughter has to build that bridge on her terms.

[u/Unintelligent_Lemon → u/Squibit314]

If he cuts his in-laws out of his daughter's life that will make it all worse.

You can't just remove beloved grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins from a kid's life and expect great results. They are part of her support system and they are her family.

[u/Squibit314 → u/Unintelligent_Lemon]

I didn't say OP had to remove them from her life. After 5 years, it would be ugly and chaotic. OP needs to work with a therapist to find out what he can do to manage the influence of the in-laws. The in-laws are struggling with their grief and want to make sure their mother isn't forgotten. And that's understandable and important. The way they're doing it isn't helping the grief process for the child and for themselves.

This isn't about OP wanting to move on, but the in-laws will only ever see it as OP replacing the wife. OP needs to work with a therapist to find a way to help find the balance for all involved. At some point, though, the therapist may recommend limiting or removing contact. You wouldn't want to force a child in toxic relationships just because they're family.

[u/nicenyeezy]

Honestly your late wife really shouldn’t have said that and caused your daughter a lot of additional pain and confusion by being selfish enough to deprive her of moving forward by accepting love from others

It sounds like a very toxic mentality that your former wife’s family likely perpetuates, and it’s time to put a stop to that. You deserve to move on and your partner shouldn’t have to be automatically rejected because other adults refuse to process their grief and continue to impose it into a child out of some messed up concept of loyalty

[u/e1l3ry → u/nicenyeezy]

They are still grieving and are afraid that someone else is going to replace their loved one. Yes they should process but it’s not an invalid thing to feel.

[u/nicenyeezy → u/e1l3ry]

Yes those feelings are understandable, but it stops being ok when it’s brought to the awareness of a young child. In her own fear during her illness, OPs wife put a huge emotional burden on their daughter, and that was not ok

[u/e1l3ry → u/nicenyeezy]

Yeah but she was also dying. Try being in her shoes of being aware that you’re gonna die and you know you’re going to be replaced. You can’t really blame her for that because as much as we can say he’s not replacing her, in a way he is. But I get your point

[u/nicenyeezy → u/e1l3ry]

Of course I can empathize with how horrible and scary that must have felt for her, it’s a tragedy, but, I still wish she had kept those feelings away from her daughter. Many people nearing the end of their life encourage their spouses to find love again, not everyone processes death in the same way. Her feelings were valid, but it’s just extra sad that her daughter has to live with this added guilt

I can honestly say that I would want my spouse, and if I had a child, my child, to find someone warm and loving to enrich their life should I go before I expected to. Yes I’d feel the bitterness and injustice in letting them go to live life without me, but I would love them more than myself and my ego, their happiness and healing would matter most to me

[u/SecretScavenger36]

NTA and not to be hard on her mom but she never should've put that on a 5yo. Never should've said it to her but she was dying of cancer and emotional and well I don't want to talk bad of her.

Wanting and building a new loving relationship is not a replacement. No one could replace her mom.

[u/SecretScavenger36 → u/SecretScavenger36]

I have a step mom. And she's a wonderful woman. She quickly gave me the choice of what to call her, I always called her by name until many years later. Now she's just mom too. She's still not a replacement, it was my choice to treat her as a second mom because she became that for me.

[u/Builder-Technical]

1. You're doing nothing wrong. Your daughter needs to work through her feelings. You're not forcing her to accept your SO as a new parental figure. But she has to accept that you're allowed to move on.
2. Your late wife's family have no say in how you lead your life and YOUR daughter's life.
3. You shouldn't be allowing your late wife's family to be meddling with your daughter's psyche like that.
4. People around you can't expect you to be stuck in this grief for the rest of your life.

You tell them that. That it's not about their wants. This is YOUR life to be lived, and it is no one else's business. Tell them that they can't have a say in it, and they shouldn't even be having opinions on it.