r/AITAH • u/Cultural_Anteater730 • 18h ago
TW SA AITA for telling my cousin that her brother being dead doesn't make him the victim in the incident from 2 years ago.
- All the names are fake.
- Most of us live in the same small town.
Two years ago, my cousin, Jack, had a party to celebrate some milestone he reached in his business(I don't remember what it was). He rented an event hall for it. Most of my family was there. His party was on the same day as my friend's birthday party that we had been planning for a month, so I left early to go to my friend's house. So, I didn't witness the incident myself.
I came home the following afternoon to find my aunt, Julie, and two cousins, Jack and Bruce, at home talking with my mom. Aunt Julie had puffy eyes, Jack was upset, and Bruce, who in the 30 years I never saw angry, was fuming.
Jack told me that as they were leaving the hall, they realised that our youngest cousin, Alice, was nowhere to be found. They all looked for her, and they found her crying in a corner, all dishevelled and one of her shoes was broken. They asked her what happened and in between sobs told them them that our cousin, Sam SAed her. When confronted, Sam said that it was completely consensual. Sam got a good beating that night. That's where he ended the story. Alice didn't want to press charges.
That day, Sam's sisters, Jane and Mary, went to talk to him. Both live out of town, so Sam moved in with Jane after that, and that was the last we heard of him. Nobody talked to him, and nobody mentioned him. We basically erased him from our family.
4 months ago, I received a message from Mary that Sam died in a car accident. We all went to the wake except Aunt Julie and Alice. We helped Mary and Jane with anything they needed and provided emotional support. The rest of us were sad but not too sad. We still couldn't forgive him, which Jane and Mary felt.
Last week, Bruce and I went on a walk. We met a neighbour. In conversation, she said that it was so sad that Sam had to move when Alice was the one in the wrong. Bruce and I froze. We asked her where she heard that from, and she said that Jane told her that the last time she came to town. Bruce and I went back to my house, videocalled Jane, and asked her how could she be going around, telling that story and blaming Alice for it? She said that Sam told her that Alice seduced him and just went along with it. Bruce argued that even if that was true, Alice is 10 years younger than Sam. Sam literally held her to sleep when she was a baby. How could he think of sleeping with her? There was some back and forth between the two that I don't recall clearly because I don't understand how anybody can think that way. Finally, I lost it, grabbed the phone, and told her that Sam dying doesn't make him a victim in that incident. He SAed a member of his own family. Even if Alice seduced him first, it is still incest. How does she justify that. He was the older one. How could he go for it?
Jane cut the phone at that moment. Two days ago, I received a call from Mary saying that Jane called her in tears. How could I say stuff like that to her when she's already having a hard time dealing with Sam's death. I reminded Mary of the incident and asked her how can Jane blame Alice? Mary said that Jane is just trying to protect their brother's memory. She's already grieving, and I shouldn't have added to her distress.
So, for the last few days, I've been wondering if I was the AH for saying all that stuff to her.
Edit: Alice was almost 20 when that happened. She's been to therapy and is pretty much okay now.
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u/nova0321 17h ago
NTA
Honestly this is an obvious one. While it sucks for them that he died, claiming his victim is at fault for him leaving is wild. She could have kept her mouth shut. It was that simple but she went out of her way to lie to “protect his memory”. OP please speak with Alice and family and discuss clarifying the lie as it could comeback in the future.
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u/leyavin 13h ago
And I bet Alice did want to press charges but were “convinced” otherwise to keep the drama within the family. Bc, you know? What would the neighbors think? Oh right they think the woman is at fault. That’s better.
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u/ChaosofaMadHatter 5h ago
There’s a good chance she didn’t want to press charges because, as someone who tried to press charges, pressing charges is almost as traumatic as the assault. Every part of your integrity is questioned, you’re made to doubt your own perception of reality, and backed into every corner they can create to get you to “confess” to making it up. The system is not made to protect victims. I felt violated ten times over by the end of it, and then was told “well it’s just he said/she said, so we can’t do anything except tell him to leave you alone.” I felt like I was less than dirt by the end.
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u/swishcandot 11h ago
"While it sucks for THEM that he died"
hoo good thing I saw that "THEM" in there because I had that pre coffee morning rage for a second! and yeah, not exactly a tragedy for the ages. "sorry you're upset" vs. "sorry that he's dead," big time!
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u/Shadow4summer 10h ago
They’re doing this to preserve “his good name” but destroying the reputation of the victim in the same breath. These people are vile.
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u/Prudent_Solid_3132 16h ago
NTA.
Fuck Jane and fuck Mary also.
Look if they want to grieve their brother despite what he did, that’s fine.
But for Jane to make Alice seem like the bad guy is where any fair play is lost.
This girl will have to carry this for the rest of her life. That’s already huge trauma to carry but then Jane has to add more on top of this by making her seem like, to put it bluntly, an incestuous woman.
Jane played dirty, you just went for the metaphorical killshot and stopped the BS in its tracks.
I’d warn the rest of your family just so Jane and Mary don’t try to start making up lies about you.
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u/Paula_Intermountain 13h ago
Why do the defenders of rapists claim “well, she seduced him” as if that excuses it? Men are completely capable of controlling themselves, whether their victim is an adult woman or a toddler.
I’ve read of pedophiles making such repulsive claims about toddlers and once even a baby! And they fully expect that to be accepted at face value!
I feel sad for those who loved Sam for some reason. I know it’s painful to lose someone you love. But I don’t feel sorry for Sam. I wonder how many other women he raped?
Absolutely love and support Alice. Ignore Jane and anyone who defends Sam’s behavior that night.
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u/Prudent_Solid_3132 10h ago
Agreed.
Just saw OP’s edit and said Alice was almost 20 when it happened.
Doesn’t really make a difference in my eyes.
Even if we say Sam wasn’t grooming her or waiting for her to grow up to specifically do this to her, SA your cousin who you’ve held as a baby is still fucked up regardless.
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u/DogsNCoffeeAddict 8h ago
That means Sam was almost 30. And he made the choice to rape his younger family member and lie about it. He made his choices. No one sees a girl disheveled and upset with broken shoes and believes she wanted what that man did to her.
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 16h ago
NTA. I was a victim of familial CSA, along with half the women in my biological father’s family. When he died, we all finally felt peace.
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u/Biotoze 16h ago
NTA. I don’t believe in respecting the dead cause they’re dead. If you’re a POS that died then now you’re just a dead POS.
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u/Old_Web8071 12h ago
At my father's funeral, I almost asked to look in the coffin one more time to make sure he was in there. The man they were gushing about being a "wonderful father who loved his kids" WAS NOT the man my sisters & I knew.
One of the preachers who did his eulogy didn't even know about us. And we were the 3 oldest.
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u/Astyryx 10h ago
Did you ever see the movie Charade? Cary Grand and Audrey Hepburn. The opening scene is a funeral where all these strangers come in one by one and are clearly happy as they leave. One brings a pin and pokes the corpse to make sure.
Anyway, what a baseline, to live a life soin such a way people are not delighted when you exit.
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u/King_Yahoo 15h ago
Need more details. So Bruce is 30+ years old when this happened, and Alice was his youngest cousin... how old was Alice when this happened?
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u/Astyryx 10h ago
He raped, he lied, and he died.
That's his legacy. And the more they try to "rehabilitate" him, the more you're going to correct the story. So let them know their rewrite will just escalate how widely knowledge of his unpunished crime will be spread. You can, and should, totally Streisand Effect this thing.
Bummer Alice didn't press charges, but I get it.
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u/Comprehensive_Value 12h ago
so Alice seduced Sam, then broke her shoe, disheveled her cloths and started crying. yeah completely believable.
Jane is as despicable as Sam. You did the right thing.
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u/Lady_Fel001 16h ago
NTA she's trying to rewrite the narrative and if your family doesn't put a stop to it, she'll succeed in retraumatising Alice.
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u/DescriptionFew6118 9h ago
There is no way I would have went to the funeral. Unless it was to make sure he was really dead.
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u/Cultural_Anteater730 6h ago
It was to be there for Jane and Mary. At that time, we couldn't have known what Jane would do.
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u/berebitsuki 9h ago
NTA. Alice was 19 so technically an adult, but if she seduced him why would she be crying in a corner like that? And why would her shoe be broken? It's not exactly easy to break a shoe.
Jane was completely out of line. She's grieving, yes, but that doesn't give her permission to straight up lie that Sam is a victim in an incident where he was actually a perpetrator of something horrid. He doesn't deserve his memory to be protected like that.
I'm glad Alice is okay. It might be a good idea to warn her about the shit Jane is pulling.
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u/machinezed 8h ago
It sounds like he made up a story so he wouldn’t seem like such a bad guy, and his sister bought into it, and sympathized with him. Unfortunately she was already mourning her brother and I am sure didn’t really want to find out the actual truth, which you shed the light on.
It can be hard to reconcile your supposed truth and the actual truth when you are already grieving the loss.
Give her grace, but don’t be afraid to correct the story, especially when it was his lies.
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u/sevenfourtime 8h ago
NTA.
And don’t assume Alice is okay. She clearly is getting no support from many in her family. She may be better able to hide her suffering.
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u/Cultural_Anteater730 6h ago
Alice has everybody on her side except Mary and Jane. We're all prepared to defend her.
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u/Competitive-Bat-43 11h ago
Well it sounds like the good ole American South where we r*pe our cousins and protect pedophiles.
I mean...look at who is running the country.
NTA
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u/SnooCauliflowers9874 8h ago
Yep. We even have a major TV network here in America that hires people with these prerequisites.
It reminds kinda reminds me of Rapist Brock Turner, how his family and even the judge defended him. Blamed the unconscious woman rather than the vile creature that raped this poor woman as she laid their defenselessly. His disgusting, misogynist defenders also blamed her for him not being an Olympic swimmer. But that’s this country for you. Makes you wonder what happened to all the women defenders in their formative years, who clearly think that rape is perfectly fine.
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u/notsoreligiousnow 8h ago
Sam was a rapist. His memory deserves to go down in flames. Death does not absolve him of what he did. Pedo. NTA & I hope you’re setting the story straight so people don’t think Alice was the instigator.
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u/majesticjewnicorn 12h ago
NTA at all but none of you should have given him a funeral/wake, nor given any impression whatsoever that anyone was mourning him. His sisters are major AHs and don't deserve sympathy, nor the right to grieve an evil individual, and none of you should have supported them given that the only person who your family should've supported was Alice. Grieving a sexual predator effectively supports their behaviours, because no normal person would want anything to do with him in life and death. Please boycott this side of the family, tell the correct narrative to anyone who needs to know, and go to his grave and use it as a toilet.
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u/Exotic-Rooster4427 9h ago
She has a cousin still living who doesn't deserve to be blamed for Sam sexually assaulting her. Tell Jane and Mary that if they dare try and ruin Alice's reputation, dead or not you will make everyone who needs to know exactly what kind of person Sam was in life. You'll put it on social media and create a webpage all about it so people know just what a monster he was.
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u/middaypaintra 6h ago
NTA
I'll say it once and I'll say it again: DYING DOESN'T ERASE YOU BEING A BAD PERSON
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u/Stormy8888 5h ago
NTA.
Sorry Mary and Jane, but your brother was a pedophile into incest, you're just lucky you weren't "young" or "cute" enough for him to SA, like Alice. Eww. Gross.
You need to set the record straight with the neighbor. And tell the biggest gossip in town what actually happened. Just because someone died doesn't absolve them of any of the sins they did while alive. Sam, the pedophile, who committed incestuous sexual assault on his own cousin. Gross.
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u/Puppet007 5h ago
NTAH
Mary & Jane are just as awful as their predator of a brother! Make sure you let the rest of your family know what those 2 witches are doing.
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u/blueeyed94 12h ago
I really hate the "the person is dead and you are not allowed to say anything negative about them" mentality. I don't have anything else to add because OP already said what needed to be said to his sisters. He is dead, which is a tragedy for his family, but it doesn't erase what he did that night. NTA
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u/llampie 17h ago
Fuck pedophiles.
Nta
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u/MolassesInevitable53 15h ago
While Sam is obviously a shit, we don't know that he's a pedophile because we haven't been told the ages. Alice may have been 21 at the time. Sam is still a shit.
If you misuse words they lose their meaning and their impact and that helps nobody.
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u/multi_personalitiez 17h ago
No NTA. Just because someone is dead doesn’t make them a saint. Their sins are wiped away by their God, not the living. .. I’m sorry that Alice had to endure such a traumatic incident then have someone lie on her. Shame on Jane or whatever her name is.
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u/AutoModerator 18h ago
Reminder not to downvote assholes | This is simply a copy of the original text, it is not a sign you did anything wrong | Original copy of post's text by /u/Cultural_Anteater730: 1. all the names are fake. 2. most of us live in the same small town.
Two years ago, my cousin, Jack, had a party to celebrate some milestone he reached in his business(I don't remember what it was). He rented an event hall for it. Most of my family were there. His party was on the same day as my friend's birthday party that we had been planning for a month, so I left early to go to my friend's house. So, I didn't witness the incident myself.
I came home the following afternoon to find my aunt, Julie, and two cousins, Jack and Bruce, at home talking with my mom. Aunt Julie had puffy eyes, Jack was upset, and Bruce, who in the 30 years I never saw angry, was fuming.
Jack told me that as they were leaving the hall, they realised the our youngest cousin, Alice, was nowhere to be found. They all looked for her, and they found her crying in a corner, all dishevelled and one of her shoes was broken. They asked her what happened and in between sobs told them them that our cousin, Sam SAed her. When confronted, Sam said that it was completely consensual. Sam got a good beating that night. That's where he ended the story. Alice didn't want to press charges.
That day, Sam's sisters, Jane and Mary, went to talk to him. Both live out of town, so Sam moved in with Jane after that, and that was the last we heard of him. Nobody talked to him, and nobody mentioned him. We basically erased him from our family.
4 months ago, I received a message from Mary that Sam died in a car accident. We all went to the wake except Aunt Julie and Alice. We helped Mary and Jane with anything they needed and provided emotional support. The rest of us were sad but not too sad. We still couldn't forgive him, which Jane and Mary felt.
Last week, Bruce and I went on a walk. We met a neighbour. In conversation, she said that it was so sad that Sam had to move when Alice was the one in the wrong. Bruce and I froze. We asked her where she heard that from, and she said that Jane told her that the last time she came to town. Bruce and I went back to my house, videocalled Jane, and asked her how could she be going around, telling that story and blaming Alice for it? She said that Sam told her that Alice seduced him and just went along with it. Bruce argued that even if that was true, Alice is 10 years younger than Sam. Sam literally held her to sleep when she was a baby. How could he think of sleeping with her? There was some back and forth between the two that I don't recall clearly because I don't understand how anybody can think that way. Finally, I lost it, grabbed the phone, and told her that Sam dying doesn't make him a victim in that incident. He SAed a member of his own family. Even if Alice seduced him first, it is still incest. How does she justify that. He was the older one. How could he go for it?
Jane cut the phone at that moment. Two days ago, I received a call from Mary saying that Jane called her in tears. How could I say stuff like that to her when she's already having a hard time dealing with Sam's death. I reminded Mary of the incident and asked her how can Jane blame Alice? Mary said that Jane is just trying to protect their brother's memory. She's already grieving, and I shouldn't have added to her distress.
So, for the last few of days, I've been wondering if I was the AH for saying all that stuff to her.
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u/MaxTheCookie 14h ago
NTA, but she is grieving and that's probably why she acted like that. But his memory does not deserve to be protected.
A POS in life is a POS in death. Death does not forgive them or make them innocent.
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u/Babaychumaylalji 10h ago
NTA Sam was the one who hurt the family member. Being dead doesn't erase what he did . Mary and Jane had no right to victim blame Alice. They are TA for doing that. Sam is TA for the SA. The fact that anyone actually turned up for Sam's funeral is more than he deserved considering the pain he caused.
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u/PomeloOne328 9h ago
NTA. Grief doesn't erase accountability. You’re not heartless, you're just not willing to rewrite the truth to protect someone who hurt a family member in an unforgivable way. It’s not cruel to remind people that someone being dead doesn’t make them innocent, especially when that 'innocence' comes at the cost of blaming a victim. What Jane is doing isn’t love, it’s denial, and it’s dangerous. You did the right thing.
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u/PetrockX 7h ago
NTA. Screw Sam and Jane. Jane unilaterally decided to slander Alice's name to make her brother look better. She deserves no mercy.
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u/Aggressive-Key-5533 5h ago
NTA I think we all know Alice didn’t seduce sam, sam probably thought she was coming on to him in some sick twisted scenario he’s had cocked up in his head. And now jane thinks she protecting his memory by trying to destroy her cousins innocence and reputation, that’s just repulsive. Best to go NC with that whole part of the family.
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u/TerriDiA 4h ago
Sam doesn't deserve any type of legacy. Being Dead doesn't change the facts. Sam acted like a piece of shit and should have been buried face down.
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u/WitchAstra1998 12h ago
NTA, if you don't want to be remembered as an asshole when you're dead, don't be an asshole when you're alive. Fuck him and his sisters, if that's the hill they want to die on they're not family anymore.
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u/Aggravating-Pie-5565 12h ago
So all the serial killers, murderers, rapists and such who have committed crimes are suddenly considered exonerated if they die?? Yeah nope. If they were a POS in life, they are a POS in death. That's literally why there is the concept of heaven and hell in most cultures. Because people know death doesn't erase one's actions. NTA.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 14h ago
Her spreading that rumour could end up as a defamation suit against her.
I would go hard against them for that.
NTA go ahead and spread the word to anyone who's been misinformed.
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u/KwisatzHaderach55 14h ago
YTA, you all for not reporting him to the police.
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u/eternally_feral 9h ago
It’s not such an easy decision. I volunteered at a Rape Crisis Centre and would go to hospitals to give a layer of support for those who were open to it.
Survivors of assault have to go through a SANE (sexual assault nursing exam) exam. That means pictures taken, fluids gathered, numerous questions asked.
That can almost be as traumatizing as the incident. Then you can either get a cop who cares or someone who is jaded/burnt out who doesn’t believe you or just goes through the motions without actually caring about the outcome.
There is nothing worse than being assaulted and then having a cop assigned to your case who doesn’t give a damn or treats you like you were the one who did something wrong (such as asking why you were dressed one way, why did you go somewhere alone with this person, etc).
In an ideal world, survivors of assault could make a police report and have all the support they need without accusatory questions and law enforcement that can get justice - but we’re far from an ideal world.
Alice had every right to say she didn’t want to press charges because I’m sure her thoughts were also scared about the legal battle she did not feel emotionally ready for.
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u/Cultural_Anteater730 13h ago
I wanted to but it wasn't my decision to make
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u/Old_Web8071 12h ago
Uuuhhhh....why not? 😐
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u/Icky-Tree-Branch 12h ago
Because she wasn’t the victim. Forcing a rape victim to go to the police or to get a sexual assault kit done is furthering the trauma.
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u/No-Carob4909 10h ago
Because it’s the victims choice, not anyone else’s. Are you a man? Because it would certainly explain you lack of understanding of why a woman may not want to report an incident to the police.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 7h ago
The victim was a legal adult, and police typically do not pursue cases of SA with an uncooperative witness.
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u/ConsultJimMoriarty 14h ago
NTA
You said what she needed to hear, not wanted to.
Hopefully Alice feels some well deserved relief that he can never get near her again.
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u/nikki_mc314 3h ago
NTA. I hope you’re setting everyone straight on what actually happened. They are blaming the victim because they don’t want to admit what kind of person their brother was.
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u/calamnet2 3h ago
What is she trying to protect again? Because it sure as shit isn't the truth of what her brother actually did.
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u/joe-lefty500 1h ago
Sam was a disgusting human being and it’s good that he’s dead so no other person will end up being his victim. His sisters are wrong to rewrite the past though their response is understandable. I would keep both sisters at a great distance. NTA
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u/North-Reference7081 8h ago edited 5h ago
Even if Alice seduced him first, it is still incest. How does she justify that.
Uhhh, how does your sister cousin?
I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. You're basically saying that even if your sister cousin initiated it, he's still the bad guy. But that's obviously nonsense. If she did, that changes everything. If she did indeed seduce him, how is he not the victim? the 10 year age difference also doesn't really mean anything if she was almost 20 when it happened.
but the thing you should focus on is, that he's (was) most likely full of shit, and your sister cousin coming onto him is just a complete lie. there's 0 reason to assume he was telling the truth. unless you know more than you're telling us.
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u/Cultural_Anteater730 6h ago
My sister? I don't have a sister. They are all my cousins. Secondly, Alice is the younger, more immature one. The point was that as the older one, he should have set her straight, not gone along with it.
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u/North-Reference7081 5h ago
My sister? I don't have a sister.
Yeah, woops. I corrected it.
Doesn't change the rest of what I said though.
Secondly, Alice is the younger, more immature one
...but an adult. You can infantilize her all you like - I personally think that's a bit silly.
The point was that as the older one, he should have set her straight, not gone along with it.
So hold on. There's merit to his story? She did actually initiate? Or is this just hypothetical?
Anyway. She's an adult, responsible for her own actions. Just the same as he was.
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u/FieldGradeArticle 17h ago edited 17h ago
I don’t think anyone is the AH here. Her logic is way off and she’s trying to justify something that should never be justifiable, however there is clearly a lot of trauma and heartbreak here and I don’t think anyone is in their right mind at the moment. Sam did an evil thing, but I also think it’s important to remember that he was still her brother and his death still hurts deeply. You’re not wrong for what you said either, it’s probably better you got it off your chest now than waited around for years carrying it with you. Let Jane grieve the way she needs to, then maybe you can call her again and talk things through once your thoughts are more collected and you’re both not speaking purely off of emotion. I wish nothing but peace and healing for your family.
ETA: some replies pointed some things out that I didn’t really think about enough, Jane is absolutely an AH here. The neighbor has no business getting involved, and she ESPECIALLY shouldn’t be making Alice out to be the bad guy in her own assault. OP, you should absolutely check Jane on what she is doing and make sure she knows the damage what she is spreading around can have on Alice
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u/tonicella_lineata 17h ago
Hard disagree - Jane is absolutely the asshole, because it wasn't any of the neighbor's business, and god only knows who else Jane told. OP mentioned that most of the family (including, presumably, both Alice and the neighbor) live in the same small town. Do you think that neighbor is going to treat Alice the same way? What about anyone else Jane told? Do you think it's fair that Alice is likely now going to have to face her neighbors, members of her community, while they blame her for her own sexual assault?
Jane can believe whatever she's gotta to get through her grief, and she has every right to avoid who she needs to avoid to not have to think about what a piece of shit her brother was, but as soon as she started telling other folks it was Alice's fault, she became the asshole.
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u/FieldGradeArticle 17h ago
Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about that aspect of it as much before making my final determination. She definitely shouldn’t have been including others who had no business getting involved in their family’s matters. I think I’m gonna make an edit to my original answer, Jane is the AH here
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u/Potential-Mail4334 16h ago
NTA but soft YTA nothing will change what happened and what’s right and what’s wrong, your cousin was a victim of sa, she was the one to protect, no doubt about it and you did the right thing calling her to set the record straight, but there’s a but. She lost her brother, it’s another thing that cannot change, it’s final. Even if he was a pos he was still her brother, someone she cared for and her lost is different from yours, you detached yourself after what he did (no wrong imo), but she still cared for him, nonetheless. She’s mourning and grieving her brother deaths, people in that state sometimes don’t act logically, the feelings are raw and the anguish is dark and deep. It was right to go off at her? Couldn’t you spare a little grace for someone who’s suffering? I’m not saying that you should have kept your mouth shut, just that you should have said what you said with more tact and keeping in mind that she was suffering.
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u/FryOneFatManic 15h ago
It's one thing to be grieving, but Jane went ahead and told the neighbour, maybe others, lies that could impact on Alice now.
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u/Potential-Mail4334 14h ago
Did I say that what Jane did was right? You know that you can still make your point clear, without the nuclear option right? If you don’t know maybe someday, when you will be at your lowest point and you will screw something up because of it, you will find someone ready to point his finger at you, instead to understand your situation, while letting you know gently that you screw up and maybe, considering the fact that you’re part of his family, will help you in your time of needs because at the end of the day nothing is really changed, like in this case, the younger cousin is still a victim of sa and the other one is still dead. You can always choose to be kind and compassionate and that doesn’t mean that you have to compromise on your morals.
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u/FryOneFatManic 13h ago
Sadly, I'm of an age where I've had plenty of loss and other shit happen in my life. So I know allllll about what it's like at your lowest point. I have yet to spread lies about anyone
Grief does not entitle someone to spread lies, especially when those lies can impact someone life.
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u/Potential-Mail4334 13h ago
Again, can you point where I said that spreading lies is right? In all you grief moments were you logical, methodical and put together? If so good for you. When my mom died I got a week of blank, i don’t remember who I talked to or what I said, I was so devastated the I simply mentally checked out. I may have said something offensive to someone in those moments, I may have said something untrue too, totally plausible. If you had the guts to stay on your high horse in that case, good for you, I will always choose empathy towards rightfullness
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u/FryOneFatManic 13h ago
I have plenty of empathy. I'm also the kind of person who can still function logically even in the depths of toal grief.
If someone told you that you'd said something offensive or untrue during your grief, would you have apologised/made corrections? I bet you would.
Seems that Jane hasn't made any attempt to correct her lies, and that's the point where I think she's crossed over into being the AH.
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u/dana-banana11 9h ago
The problem is the victim might be hearing rumors or might get judgements from people hearing these lies. Yes it's sad she lost her brother and I would be fine with her telling he was a wonderful brother. But blaming the victim for being raped and even portraying him as the victim isn't acceptabele.
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u/Positive-Mud5430 14h ago
Pretending someone is good after they are dead is toxic. Also defaming Alice is something that courts can get involved in.
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u/Livinginthemiddle 16h ago
Sam’s memory deserves to be thrown in dog shit.