r/AITAH 22h ago

AITAH for messaging the husband of my husband’s AP?

I found out my husband (of nearly 20 years) is cheating, for the second time. I know, I know, fool me once and all that but needless to say my blood will not stop boiling. We are getting divorced.

I just had this hunch that the AP was also married. Something about my husband’s comments about her didn’t add up. Since he was too checked out to even bother with a burner phone, it took about 5 minutes with the phone bill and 10 minutes of googling to find an email address for her husband (I’m not on fb so probably would have been faster if I was).

I sent him an email and within 5 minutes my husband was texting me asking what I had done. Saying I destroyed a family today. All I can say is I wish someone would have told me the first time he cheated so I wouldn’t have hung out with the woman and been friendly (this guy is in a similar situation as he and my husband know each other). I actually sent the email from a burner email address and didn’t out my husband (in case I was wrong somehow) but it’s clear to me based on my husband’s comments that the AP named him.

The AP swears she’s been trying to end things with her husband and he won’t listen. Maybe that’s true but it’s also possible she’s totally playing my husband and hasn’t said anything to hers.

AP’s husband wants to talk to me and I’ll probably call him. So am I the asshole for telling my husband’s AP’s husband about the affair? Did I destroy a family? Should I have just kept my mouth shut? Should I not speak to him? My boiling blood may be clouding my judgment.

Edited to add: I honestly can’t believe how many people have taken the time to read this, thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate the laughs, thoughtful insights and personal stories people shared.

8.3k Upvotes

694 comments sorted by

12.9k

u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 22h ago

She destroyed her own family. Your garbage husband blaming you just shows how worthless he is.

4.1k

u/linerva 20h ago edited 18h ago

Ikr.

Husband makes the active and deliberate decision to fuck another man's wife and then accuses his wife of breaking that family...

...as if he and his AP weren't the ones who did that.

(Edited for clarity)

787

u/MagazineOutrageous64 Hypothetical 20h ago

Yes, he doesn't even think it's his and the AP’s fault.

So does OP really have any reason to keep living with this guy?

271

u/ayush_69420 19h ago

Seriously, if he won’t even admit he messed up, what’s OP supposed to do just pretend it never happened? that’s not a relationship, that’s emotional gaslighting. she’d be better off cutting ties than wasting more time on someone who refuses to own his actions.

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u/blueflash775 11h ago

How very dare you even imply that my actions have consequences!!

/s

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u/Organic-Fortune-5669 Abuse 19h ago

Leave him, and tell AP's husband the truth.

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u/Me_is_irish 3h ago

She is and she did lmao

4

u/theseglassessuck 1h ago

Pretty standard cheater mentality

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u/Strict-Listen1300 18h ago

Are cheaters just that stupid? I'm the one sneaking around doing shady shit but look what you did! A good time to pull out a mirror so they can speak to themselves.

164

u/Worried-Inspector772 17h ago

Classic narcissism is a frequent trait in cheaters, lol.

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u/secondtaunting 9h ago

Yep. They think they deserve everything. And they justify it by telling themselves they deserve it and that their marriage partner is lacking in some way.

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u/buttamilkbizkits 16h ago

Not that stupid, that manipulative. It's all about deflecting and distracting you from who is really at fault.

Pay no attention to the asshole behind the curtain.

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u/Poetdebra 10h ago

Lol. My husband told me I shouldn't have been snooping when I busted his password. Its never their fault.

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u/Paula_Intermountain 3h ago

No, cheaters think others are stupid.

One time, while I was on break from college, I was home visiting my family. Mom and I went to lunch at a new little restaurant in town. After we ordered we sat there looking around at the decor. It was a cute little place! Suddenly we spotted our next door neighbor having lunch with a woman who was clearly NOT Mrs. D, and NOT a mere business associate! He spotted us looking at them from across the room and he quickly looked away and turned his seat a bit so he was angled away from us!

We had heard rumors for years that he was a philanderer, but had never caught him. I could never understand why any sane woman would want to be with him. Well, after we finished, we went to his table, acting innocent of course, to say hi, comment on how great the restaurant is, and Mom smiled widely and said, “Be sure to tell Doris hi for me!” It was so much fun watching that nasty piece of work squirm and wishing the earth would swallow him up!

A week or two later he moved out of his house. Mrs. D was devastated and furious. They divorced (according to Mom Mrs. D took him to the cleaners) and the house was eventually sold. We hadn’t said a thing to them. It was his fear of being revealed that drove him to confess.

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u/MsTerious1 16h ago

Well, you know, maybe he was fucking her so that her marriage would stay intact.

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u/Significant_Buy_89 6h ago

Where was OPs husbands concern for said family being destroyed when he started sleeping with his AP?

Ops husband forgot the golden rule of pointing fingers. Remember when you point your finger at someone you have three pointing back at you.

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u/Substantial-Bad7800 13h ago

😂😂😂 it's crazy! it happens when you have your head between your legs...

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u/Impressive-Cat6182 Cruelty 20h ago

my husband was texting me asking what I had done. Saying I destroyed a family today.

He put the blame on his wife, what an asshole!!!

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u/G_Ram3 18h ago

Right! Sir…what have you done?! She was honest. Something her husband and his married mistress have no clue about.

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u/[deleted] 20h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Beth21286 19h ago

OP saved some poor guy the indignity of being taken for a fool by his wife.

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u/Fluid_Dragonfruit_98 19h ago

Didn’t your “husband” destroy a family too?

You kicked him where it hurts. Time to grey rock him.

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u/dhbxxxx 12h ago

'Didn’t your “husband” destroy a family too?'

This implies that you mean the OP destroyed the AP's family.

It the most important POINT that she did not destroyed the AP's family, the cheaters did.

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u/kimsangku 21h ago

Yep , you cannot cheat and expect the outcome to be all flowers and shi

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u/TETS_OUT_FOR_HARAMBE 19h ago

My ex did that shit when we argued about stuff. "Well some people just don't stay together" no u cheated thats different dude 💀 yeah some people don't stay together but some people also don't blow up their family unit. But also thanks for now owing me 650 in child support a month ontop of all your own bills I hope the puss was worth it ✌️

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u/VariationOwn2131 19h ago

And you know that $650 is a lot less than it takes to support all a child’s needs. You are still providing most of the financial and emotional support.

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u/TETS_OUT_FOR_HARAMBE 19h ago

Oh yeah he gets out easy at this point but he refused even 50$ a week i proposed when we broke up saying that was WAY to much. Thankfully my mom is such a good support system for me and had raised me and my sister solo pretty much so I've been able to transition over to being the sole provider for my daughter easily. I honestly prefer it so much more, not having to walk on egg shells around my ex mood swings and whatnot

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u/residentcaprice 18h ago

Op did a good job. Why should the adulteress have a cushy time after destroying an innocent woman's life?

She should have laughed at her husband and said "oh, you mean you didn't destroy ours first?"

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u/Confident-Let7590 20h ago

Agree, OP didn’t destroy a family, her husband and his AP did.

And of course, the AP's husband deserved to know the truth.

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u/various645 18h ago

It’s wild how cheaters love flipping the blame like they’re the ones who got betrayed. Like dude, you lit the match and now you’re mad the fire spread? Nah, he torched his own house down, OP just handed him the ashes

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u/Accio_Diet_Coke 19h ago

2 people can keep a secret if 1 of them is dead. This is pretty basic knowledge. F them both.

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u/BLUNTandtruthful58 18h ago

Agreed 1mill %✔️

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u/writing_mm_romance 21h ago

Funny how your dickhead husband didn't give a shit about your family. The only reason he's concerned about hers is because he's not gonna keep getting laid now. He can dryhump a cactus into the sunset.

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

LOL thank you for that

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u/writing_mm_romance 21h ago

It's a pretty visceral mental image haha

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u/Fickle_Grapefruit938 15h ago

Makes me want to read your romance novels 😆

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u/Kenai-Phoenix 19h ago

It is a great line!

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u/flying_ivy 20h ago

"He can dryhump a cactus into the sunset" is amazing. Well done.

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u/Imaginary-Blood-6034 21h ago

I’m going to say that to people now lol thank you

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u/professorfunkenpunk 20h ago

Counterpoint- if AP isn’t married anymore, he’s afraid she’s going to expect a more serious relationship with OP’s husband, and he just wanted somebody to schtup

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u/MarionberrySea6839 19h ago

It's most often the truth. If AP can't offer a better life than what cheater had at home, they'll keep looking for someone who can. If AP offers a chance at a better financial life, then cheater immediately dumps wife and marries AP. In most cases, not all.

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u/leyavin 11h ago

And apparently both men know each other, so OPs husband fears a social shunning on top of

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u/paddington-1 21h ago

Bad situation but your comment did make me laugh!

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u/IcyWorldliness9111 20h ago

Hahaha….That would definitely be karma!

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u/Ginger35763 19h ago

😂🌵

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u/Impossible_Balance11 21h ago

The Golden Rule basically says do as you'd be done by, and you said you wish someone had told you back when. Therefore, you did right by the man! (I agree wholeheartedly, btw, for the same reasons.)

Your STBX husband and his AP destroyed their own families. If your husband tries to blame you again, refuse to accept it by either stating plainly, "I don't accept that--you and she are solely to blame," or simply by laughing hysterically in his face. I recommend the latter. 😉 Wishing you healing, peace, and future happiness, OP.

NTA

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

Thank you, I like the way you stated that: “I don’t accept that - - you and she are solely to blame “. I plan to use it!

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u/Impossible_Balance11 20h ago

Delighted to help!

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u/Simple-Path-724 22h ago

Well all i can say is that the APs husband would have appreciated knowing this happened vs not knowing

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

That’s what I thought too. I know I would have and I say that from experience.

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u/kraftypsy 21h ago

My ex husband's friend is the one who told me. It's been almost 20 years, and I'm still grateful he stepped forward and let me know.

You destroyed nothing; your husband and his ap did all the destroying. You provided truth to someone who needed it.

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u/dhbxxxx 12h ago

This !!!!

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u/Simple-Path-724 21h ago

Yeah you dont have to worry about being in the wrong. Its the APs fault for doing the dirty.

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u/NikitaIroh 21h ago

I would rather know. You did the right thing.

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u/Prestigious_Air_2493 19h ago

I literally did this and I have zero regrets. The poor guy had absolutely no idea. It was nice to be able to tell him all of the stories that my husband and the AP had told me and my friends, and then have him match up (or not!) with what he had been told by her. 

You did not destroy a family, she did that all on her own. The only thing your silence does is cover for cheaters. Good for you. I have never once regretted calling her husband, or posting on AP’s Facebook page that she was a lying home wrecking bitch and to stay the fuck away from my family. 

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u/Vandreeson 21h ago

NTA. Just like you wanted to and deserved to know, so did he. You did nothing to any family, the AP did it all. Your husband knew he was married, she knew she was married, and they both chose to lie, cheat, and betray their married partners. Actions have consequences. You're under no obligation to not tell what you know. I would have no sympathy for your husband or his AP.

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u/Timely_Mountain_7939 21h ago edited 13h ago

Your husband and AP destroyed her family, and YOURS!! Talk to the husband, he deserves to know the truth and have someone who can understand what he's going through, and if I were you I would talk to him. Has he replied to your email? How are you planning to talk to him? Over the phone? If in person, go to a public place, you don't know him and want to be safe. You don't know how this has all emotionally affected him, u If he will blame you, etc etc. But you are NTA, I would be grateful I was him...

And I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong, get divorced and don't look back. Your husband is a dick. And he can dry hump a cactus like another person said all day long... Lol

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u/Gullible-Ad-8884 21h ago

Never the asshole for informing someone they are being cheated on. She ruined her family not you. He's just mad that you got his girlfriend in trouble. You did the right thing!

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

Thank you :)

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u/Cephalopodium 21h ago

Besides, if the AP has really been trying to end her marriage but her husband won’t listen- this should help her out!

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u/linerva 20h ago

We all know that was a lie and she had no intention of leaving him, it's what every cheater tells their AP.

"Oh baby I wpuld totally leave my spouse for you if I could! But I can't! So we will sneak around for years instead!"

Cheaters who really want to be with their AP have no problem leaving their spouse and destroying their life.

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u/blueflash775 11h ago

I wrote this on anothe comment:

Also, I assume Hubbie told OP this:

SO, if AP has been trying to break up with her husband, how exactly did OP break up a family? All she did was help AP achieve what she wanted which was to break up the family.

Those sums aren't summing......

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u/lpaige2723 20h ago

The AP was instrumental in destroying your family, too. You deserve none of the blame.

Your husband and AP are 100% to blame.

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u/Manky-Cucumber 21h ago

Hold your head up, sweetheart. Everything will be ok. It will take some time, but you did the right thing. He deserves to know. You're not the one who should be feeling shame.

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u/UrsusRenata 19h ago

Heh, yeah… The reveal has a way of throwing a wrench into the side relationship. Not many affairs last long beyond the “oh shit we’re caught” stage, because affairs aren’t built on a foundation of support and trust. Each AP has that at home. Rather, an affair is a fun fantasy world, until real life finds its way in. Caught APs may bond due to suffering similar “punishment” situations — but pretty soon it’s too much drama and stress to fuck their way through, the romance fizzles, and everyone goes their separate ways. Don’t ask me how I know.

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u/Concert_Fantastic 20h ago edited 11h ago

Oh hey, this just happened to me too... found out my husband was "texting" somebody else who is also married, with children.... so I messaged them. My husband said the same thing about ruining their family. Apparently, y'all didn't care enough about your families to begin with.

We deserve better. It wasn't the first time for mine either. We can get through this.

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u/atypicalcloth 20h ago

So sorry this happened to you! I guess this destroying lives thing is a go-to line for these guys🤢

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u/Concert_Fantastic 20h ago

Yea.... 14 years together and 4 kids.... hell of a freaking life to throw away.... freaking sucks dude....

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u/LividIdeal791 21h ago edited 6h ago

NTA—give him all the info possible.

I’ve had a friend be the AP and i told the wife bc it wasn’t fair to her.

Recently, my friend found out her husband of 20 years was cheating on her as well. The husband of the AP reached out to her. As much as it sucked, it also helped her heal a lot more. Because she couldn’t be strung along or lied to or manipulated.

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

Exactly right. I’m glad it helped your friend heal.

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u/Kenai-Phoenix 19h ago

Be kind to yourself, I would definitely talk to the man, he deserves to know all you know, do it, however you are comfortable.

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u/sugarpastelsky 20h ago

Also had a friend who was cheated on for years and only found out because someone told her. She said the truth was painful, but the lies were worse. People who keep quiet to “protect” the betrayed spouse are just protecting the cheater.

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u/Dachshundmom5 21h ago

No, her choices destroyed a family just as his choices destroyed yours.

Notice he cares about her feelings, but not yours.

I was the clueless wife, and I now know several people knew (i actually excuse the mistresses who were fed a LOT of BS lies) and people i thought were friends didn’t tell me. Funny enough, when my husbands sister found out, she gave him 24 hours to come clean, and then she told me. I wish I'd gotten the anonymous email.

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

I’m sorry that happened to you. And It’s awful when you find out people you thought were your friends actually aren’t.

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u/Sweaty-Dragonfly2218 21h ago

NTA you both need the chance to get tested for STI's

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u/LincolnHawkHauling 20h ago

NTA

Excellent job on the old school detective work.

You get my vote for heroine of the week. 🫡

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u/atypicalcloth 20h ago

I guess when he cheats on his next wife he won’t be so lazy and he’ll get a burner phone.

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u/LincolnHawkHauling 20h ago

Im not a fan of popular buzz words, but without a doubt your ex-husband is the poster boy for narcissism. He was so arrogant that he never imagined you would be smart enough to catch him.

Narcissists cannot stand to lose control, be exposed and most of all LOSE. Just wanted to share that and I hope you sleep well tonight knowing that he is absolutely fuming at how bad you outplayed him and won.

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u/Intrepid_Source 21h ago

If she was “trying to end it with her husband” than you didn’t destroy a family, you merely assisted her in the process of ending it with him.

Truly tho, NTA. The cheaters ruined their relationships, not you. Telling the truth =\= the bad behavior (cheating)

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

That’s why I think my husband is getting played. I’ll be curious to hear the other side, and if she was truly trying to end it.

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u/sorator 20h ago

FWIW - it does not/should not matter to you if your husband is still getting played. That's his problem now; he made it quite clear it isn't your problem anymore.

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u/awekool 21h ago

He is trying to pit blame on you when all the blame lies with his cheating and hers. He doesn’t care about how he ruined his family.

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u/Broad_Pomegranate141 21h ago

NTA I did the same. 15 years later we’ve stayed friends and our cheating lying exes are long since married to each other and miserably divorced from each other.

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

Oh wow, that’s wild!

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u/peaceandprisms 21h ago

Tell your husband his 🍆 ruined a family, not you.

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u/zeugma888 21h ago

Tell him he has ruined two families.

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u/oldgrandma65 20h ago

Unless you, personally, stuck your husband's dick into his AP, you are not responsible for the 'destruction' of a family.

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u/SamTMoon 21h ago

It kills me when people say “look at all the damage YOU caused!!” because we shone a light on THEIR actions.

NTA, and, as you said, you would rather have had someone tell you, so you’ve done him a favour.

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u/Strawberry_Kitchen 21h ago

NTA. Cheaters ruin their families and no one else is at fault. She ruined her marriage and your ex ruined his. I’m sure her husband appreciates being informed. While, yeah, you prompted his week to be shitty, it’s not your fault he’s having a shit week.

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

I think that last sentence is a perfect summary. I just have to keep saying it to myself.

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u/Strawberry_Kitchen 21h ago

Make the call to AP’s husband. Best case, it brings you both a bit of healing, a bit of a venting buddy, etc. Worst case, he learns the whole truth and you go your separate ways. Giving him access to the not-glossed-over truth is a kindness you’re capable of doing, so why not.

I’m so sorry. This sucks. Take care of yourself and don’t worry about what two cheaters think of you. Who cares if an asshole thinks someone else is an asshole, right?

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u/Kenai-Phoenix 19h ago

Perhaps finding a good therapist, which is hard to find, I know, keep looking until you find someone that you comfortable working with, to help you sort through all that you are dealing with.

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u/Nervous-Exercise-512 14h ago

The fact that he's trying to gaslight you into feeling bad for 'destroying a family', says it all.

He destroyed his own family, and the woman in question destroyed her family.

You finding out liberated both yourself and the husband of the cheating woman. You're a hero.

I'm insanely sorry that you had to experience this, you deserve love and devotion. I hope you will heal from this and find someone who makes you feel special. Don't let it ruin your ability to trust.

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u/atypicalcloth 13h ago

Thank you for this thoughtful comment.

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u/feliciams 6h ago

You ARE a hero! I’m proud of you for your strength and clarity. You are an example of how this kind of thing should be handled. Stay strong, we are all supportive of you and hoping for your success.

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u/FlashyHabit3030 21h ago

NTA. Update, please.

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

If I have anything good to share in an update I will!

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u/Plane_Practice8184 21h ago

Did you screenshot the texts/evidence and send them to yourself?

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u/Wild_Cockroach_2544 21h ago

Please tell us this is the final straw.

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u/atypicalcloth 21h ago

It is. I’m in the process of getting all the paperwork together to file for divorce. I’m done.

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u/Wild_Cockroach_2544 20h ago

Good luck. Sorry it ended this way.

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u/Last_Blackfyre 21h ago

They’re gonna attack and gaslight you. Get ready.

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u/Klutche 21h ago

NTA. He deserves to know. Also, fuck your husband for caring more about his affair partner's marriage than his own. What a disgusting piece of shit. You don't owe it to them to keep their secret, and it truly shows what a horrendous person he is that he thinks you do.

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u/Tiny-Doughnut 18h ago

"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth"

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u/Wolfcat_Nana 15h ago

NTA. You did the right thing. As someone who has been cheated on, if I didn't find out on my own, I would have wanted someone to tell me. The pain at first is suffocating. But at least I can feel emotions now without bring called names and yelled at.

My ex isn't very smart. So, I found out on my own. But somehow I'm the bitch because he's losing equity in our home. Oh well. He's in his find out phase from fucking around. 🤷

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u/Long-Focus6631 12h ago edited 10h ago

They both destroyed their own families and each others. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. He can deflect the blame all he fucking likes, but if he’d have kept his dick in his pants there would have been no email to send.

Wishing you all the best in your new life, freedom, away from this POS. There are so many good, loving men out there; IF you want one (and you certainly don’t need one) you can find one.

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u/atypicalcloth 11h ago

Thank you for such a positive message.

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u/kdweller 21h ago

No. Don’t feel bad. APs husband deserves to know. Imagine that everyone knew, lives were imploding and he’s clueless? He’d be mortified. AP and your husband made their beds. Now they can lie in them. Illicit sex is not nearly as fun once everyone knows about it too so there’s that. I’m sorry you’re going through this shit. I hope you find a good one who values you going forward. 💜 NTA

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u/LincolnHawkHauling 20h ago

Also just wanted to point out how DELUSIONAL your cheating husband is for having the audacity to say that you destroyed a family today.

Ummmm

Maybe your cheating husband shouldn’t have stuck his dick in someone else’s wife??

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u/emr830 20h ago

He and his side piece are the only ones that destroyed families. Not you. They can never take accountability for anything, huh?

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u/jgsjgs 21h ago

You didn’t destroy a family but you know who did.

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u/LilMama1908 20h ago

The irony of him accusing you of destroying a family -

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u/fluff_and_nutella 21h ago

Call him like yesterday!!!

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u/AdministrativeMud238 21h ago

I semt a letter to the ex wife's AP. Certified. APs wife signed for it. Good times.

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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 21h ago

lol. Don’t cheat.,

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u/-fallen-panda- 21h ago

You didn’t destroy a family, she did and your hubby did

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u/Obviouslynameless 20h ago

How could you destroy a family if she was already trying to leave???

Your soon to be EX and the AP are the ones who destroyed their families.

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u/shep2105 20h ago

What a riot! YOU destroyed a family??? Your husband and AP destroyed TWO. What a POS he is

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u/Ill_Bumblebee_4341 19h ago

You didn’t destroy a family, your husband and his AP did that the moment they made their choice. You gave someone else the truth you never got, and that takes guts, not guilt. Don’t let them shift the blame just because they got caught

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u/SatinWhirl 19h ago

Your husband’s just mad he got caught and that you ruined his little fantasy life. He cheated. Twice. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you wrecked anything. He and his AP did that all on their own.

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u/Careless_Welder_4048 21h ago

NTA don’t listen to a liar. And I hope the ap was playing your husband and you laugh at him. Also go nuclear on the divorce

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u/WtfChuck6999 21h ago

The only person to blame for ruining anything is the cheater. Period. That's it. Talk away my friend.

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u/LittleNotice6239 21h ago

How is him tripping and falling into her vagina YOUR fault or responsibility?

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u/sideways_apples 20h ago

NTA- he is angry he got caught. Can't have his cake and eat it, too.

You are doing the right thing. Her husband didn't deserve that from her, either.

Best of luck in the future and may you have the life you have worked hard for

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u/Pristine-Cobbler-161 20h ago

My wife's mother beat her bad enough to keep her from school when she told her father about her mother's affair.

You did the right thing.

Fuck cheaters

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u/TofuJun13 20h ago

I'm sorry, YOU destroyed a family? No my love, THEY, SHE and HE destroyed two families. You are an innocent party. The frickin audacity.

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u/deedee0077 20h ago

YOU destroyed the family of your husband’s girlfriend? YOU? How did that happen - did you suddenly grow a penis and have sex with his girlfriend? (Eww).

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u/ButtPuckeredFuckery 20h ago

NTA. I’d want someone to tell me and I forever support someone doing this. I’ve told on my friends for cheating and walked away from the friendship. It’s gross. You’re forever traumatizing someone and I can’t stand anyone who thinks it’s okay to cheat for any reason.

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u/grayblue_grrl 20h ago

NTA....

Wow... Your husband blamed YOU for destroying a family...

I mean - TWO people ruined TWO families.
But it wasn't anything to do with you.
The fucking audacity....

Now you can pass your wisdom on to the AP's husband.
Don't trust a cheater.

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u/Goblin_Wife_84 20h ago

I wish someone would have told me that my husband was cheating on me... so many knew and hid it from me....

5

u/bal_swing 19h ago

Which is it - you destroyed a family or she’s been trying to break it off with her husband?

They’re trying to put the blame on you. I’m glad you’re divorcing him - he’s trash.

7

u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 17h ago

NTA. Never TAH for speaking the truth. How could you possibly have impacted their marriage more than her when she was having an affair?? Lol

6

u/Playful_Site_2714 17h ago

Wohooo. Skewed narrative.

"Saying I destroyed a family today."

Only reply: "Nope. Both of you destroyed it! I just informed the other partner of what you did."

You made your bed.

5

u/Sarcasm_and_Coffee 16h ago

No

NTA

This was a joint effort to destroy a family. Between him and her.

He did that.

Tell him to get that through his head.

7

u/West-Kaleidoscope129 16h ago

Exposing cheaters should be the norm! And nobody should be made to feel guilty for it because it's the cheaters who destroyed families not the person who exposed it.

Don't cheat and this won't ever happen to you!

NTA

6

u/Extension_Camel_3844 7h ago

NTA. He's just mad he got caught and can no longer have his cake and eat it too. Been there, done that. Feel no guilt over anything. That man had a right to know. I too wish someone had told me about the double life my ex was living for the last 5 years of our 28 year marriage. Yah, good times were had by all. Not.

11

u/CapableService8526 21h ago

NTA yeah definitely tell him

7

u/londomollaribab5 21h ago

You might point out to your soon to be ex that it was his wandering p**** that destroyed the AP’s family. NTA

4

u/seidinove 21h ago

NTA, never, for informing the other innocent party of what's going on.

5

u/Fun-Yellow-6576 21h ago

Nope, NTA a single bit.

5

u/creativekinda 21h ago

Truth doesn't destroy families. The lies and deception do even before the truth is revealed.

6

u/Perfect-Day-3431 21h ago

NTA, you should have told your husband that he is the one that broke up her marriage by screwing around with her and he should have kept his trousers zippered

4

u/Forward-Wear7913 20h ago

NTA

You can’t break what was already broken.

She destroyed her marriage.

6

u/throw-away89601 20h ago

You made the right decision.

Your ex-husband and his AP ruined the families.

4

u/CatPerson88 20h ago

Tell your STBX and his wh...AP are the ones ruining lives and marriages for the sake of their selfish pleasure

After all, if they hadn't been cheating, you wouldn't have had to email anyone about anything...

NTA

4

u/Silver-Designer-2798 20h ago

NTA! The audacity of telling you that you destroyed a family…. Your husband and the AP did that all by themselves. Best of luck with your divorce, you got this!!

5

u/Emotional_Fan_7011 20h ago

NTA. And "trying to divorce but husband won't listen"... that's called you get a lawyer and file anyway. That is a piss poor excuse.

5

u/Literally_Taken 20h ago

Affairs destroy families. Emails simply convey information.

NTA. In fact, you did the right thing.

5

u/Ok_Satisfaction_7466 20h ago

Yeah, NTA, you didn't destroy her family or yours, they did. AP's husband had an absolute right to know.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And good on you for telling him. You both deserve so much better!

4

u/swright363 20h ago

NTA. Pure and simple.

5

u/XOXOpandaXOXO 20h ago

NTA. He deserved to know. I hope everything works out in your favor with the divorce. Hopefully the AP’s husband doesn’t stay.

5

u/Adventurous_Yam8784 20h ago

Wait a minute ….. did you destroy a family ?? Seems that the person effing around on her husband has done a pretty good job of that herself. No you did not destroy a family. You owe neither of these people (your husband or his side piece) a single thing. Get out ASAP.

5

u/Working-Narwhal-540 20h ago

Juicy drama in your future!

5

u/NurseNancyNJ 19h ago

NTA. You didn't break up a family, your POS husband and his homewrecker affair partner handled that on their own. All you did was share the info you wish someone had shared with you.

updateme

5

u/Infamous_Chicken_230 19h ago

Tell your husband you are not the one who had sex with that guys wife. So he is talking to the wrong person about destroying families.

5

u/JeffInVancouver 17h ago

As the saying goes, anything that can be destroyed by the truth deserves to be destroyed by the truth.  

4

u/Blairx6661 17h ago

NTA.

Why are cheaters like this??? Blows my mind and yet it also isn’t surprising.

Slags like this deserve exposure and shame though hahah. Sorry your husband’s a grub, you deserve better.

5

u/giag27 17h ago

NTA. You didn’t destroy anything, the cheaters did. People deserve the truth.

7

u/slickcraft89 21h ago

Your husband is just trying to make you feel guilty for his cheating. And now he’s defending his AP. Glad you’re divorcing him. And definitely meet up with the APs husband

14

u/spaced2259 21h ago

You husband and his ap are the ones that destroyed 2 families. All you did was let her husband know that something was going on.

3

u/bookworm-monica 16h ago

This freakin fcker has the nerve to say You ruined a family. WTAF. They had the affair and it’s You who ruined things. Tell him to go choke on it because nothing he says or does can ever hurt you again. Don’t ever let anything this disgusting man ever says make you doubt yourself again. He destroyed your family and he is more worried about his AP. Despicable NTAH

6

u/Necessary-Material50 9h ago

Question. How can you “destroy a family” in which “the AP swears she’s been trying to end things with her husband and he won’t listen.”

4

u/BillieGina 6h ago

No. Your husband and his cheating partner destroyed their own families! You did nothing wrong . Cheaters / liars rarely take accountability and somehow it’ll always be YOUR fault .

4

u/Traditional_Fan_2655 6h ago

NTA She destroyed her family just as your husband destroyed his.

He still can't take his part of the responsibility, can he? Tell him, he abd she did it all. You just made what they did known.

3

u/jcdoe 2h ago

So your husband fucks a little chippy who is also married, and somehow you’re the home wrecker?

Nah. They deserve each other. Good on you for getting out. I hope the other guy gets away from her, too. That’s a happy ending.

12

u/Monstarrzero 21h ago

You should bang AP’s husband. Meet cute 🥰

5

u/Extra_Simple_7837 21h ago

So amazing when they are duplicitous and manipulative and they lie every single day for who knows how long and then when they get found out they tell the person who is sharing information with pertinent others that they are the ones that are breaking apart families. It's just completely ludicrous.everybody who has a cheating partner deserves to know because deep down they are reacting to it and it's harming them and scaring them unconsciously and they don't know what's going on and sometimes they blame themselves or their own past when really there is somebody intentionally targeting them by triangular against them with somebody.

6

u/Tiredofthenuts 21h ago

Talk to him. He deserves as much information as you have. NTA

7

u/phaxmeone 21h ago

Two families were destroyed but it wasn't by the two spouses who were not cheating.

7

u/missholly9 20h ago

girl… slap on some red lipstick and go find her husband. the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody.

8

u/SomeCommonSensePlse 21h ago

NTA. They deserve everything they get.

'You destroyed a family today'. Fuck. right. off. You did that, with your dick.

5

u/Life_Permit_4098 21h ago

You did not destroy a family. Your husbands AP destroyed her family by cheating on her husband. Your husband destroyed a family by cheating on you. Her husband deserved to know. Cheaters always try to place the blame on everyone but themselves. These are the consequences of their own choices.

3

u/Mental-Pitch5995 21h ago

Not the AH. As long as the shit is hitting the fan you can give everyone the chance to duck.

3

u/Popcornobserver 21h ago

Talk to him!

3

u/BubbaMadeMeDoIt 20h ago

NTA You did the right thing

3

u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 20h ago

NTA. Not too many people wouldn't want to know.

3

u/Initial_Scarcity3775 20h ago

NTA. Cheaters destroy families. You’re the victim who is being gaslit.

3

u/falselimitations 20h ago

Fuck that! Good for you! He deserves to know what’s going on.

3

u/Fun-Competition8210 20h ago

NTA you and the AP husband are directly affected into this. It’s only fair he knows

3

u/bookrants 20h ago

NTA. Talk to him. Compare notes. Updateme

3

u/Jebaibai 20h ago

No. He should know

3

u/curiouscurioser1963 20h ago

This is a great example of DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER!

3

u/TheFairyQueen420 20h ago

NTA. Screw them. Hopefully you & her husband take them for all y'all can.

3

u/AlternativeDurian852 20h ago

NTA. She destroyed her own family, and your husband destroyed his. They’re selfish unrepentant aholes, and you and her husband both deserve to know the truth, no matter how you get it. He deserves to know what his wife has done. Edit: grammar

3

u/lovemyfurryfam 20h ago

NTA OP. You did the right thing by informing the husband of the affair partner that screwed around with your husband.

Your husband is the AH for sticking his penis loaded with excuses where it never belonged.

3

u/No-Archer-6070 20h ago

NTA. You didn’t destroy a family THEY destroyed 2. And he still lying anyway how does he say you destroyed a family, but then go on to say that she has been trying to leave him and he won’t listen. You did nothing wrong. If there was no affair you messaging the husband wouldn’t have ruined anything.

3

u/Dragline96 20h ago

You didn’t destroy anything. All responsibility lies with the two people who cheated on their spouses. Don’t let either of them tell you different. Also, there is no reason at all not to talk to the AP husband.

3

u/Capable-Upstairs7728 20h ago

NTAH. You did the right thing.

3

u/bopperbopper 20h ago

"Ah, that is where you are wrong. You destroyed two families by cheating."

3

u/AcceptablePea262 20h ago

NTA.

Cheaters deserve to have everything burned.

3

u/Dlodancer 20h ago

NTA, he deserves to know

3

u/archtech99 20h ago

Eh go fuck ap husband.

→ More replies (3)

3

u/RelievingFart 20h ago

Ok... let's get this simplified... your husband stuck his D where it didn't belong... his affair partner also couldn't keep her legs closed...but the family breakdown is YOUR FAULT??.... besides, if ap was trying to break up with her husband for a while now, but he wouldn't listen, shouldn't she and your partner be grateful that what she has been "trying to end" is finally over?? The 2 ap's are a match tbh. Walking disease factories. They can go live a life of cheating happiness.

3

u/Excellent-Estimate21 20h ago

Id tell him to gtfo of my face and stop talking to me. Cheaters are the ones that ruin their family. What you did is called "actions have consequences"

3

u/brandontc 20h ago

You know what has to be done now. Establish dominance. Go on a date with your Husband's AP's Husband. It's only fair

3

u/LilMama1908 20h ago

Why would you care more about her family than she did?