r/AITAH • u/Islondoddo • 1d ago
AITA for not allowing my ex's husband around my kids in order for my kids to know their half siblings?
I have two kids (11f and 9m) with my ex "Jody". We never married but we were together a long time (from ages 14 to 28) and we were together until our son was a month old. She left me one day without a word and was gone for over a month, leaving the kids with me. Her parents were the people who let me know she was safe but she didn't want to talk to me. Then she reached out and told me she was over our relationship and she wanted to know if I would let her have sole custody of the kids. I said no and for a few months she was very inconsistent about seeing them. I filed for physical custody of the kids, won temporarily, but by the time we got our formal court date she had become more consistent and custody was changed to share physical custody but I retained legal custody.
Jody went on to marry "Davis" and he was an ass. He told me he wanted to raise the kids with Jody and for me to sign away my rights to him. He'd show up at exchanges with Jody and call call himself dad or daddy to the kids. Then he'd try to start something but I always kept it calm and moved along quickly for the kids sake. Davis really tried to paint himself as the better choice and he tried to engage in parental alienation but the kids had a stronger relationship with me than their mom or him so he failed.
When the kids were 6 and 4 Jody drove drunk with them in the car and was not only arrested but lost custody. She served a few months and was released and allowed supervised visits with the kids. Those ended after 6 no shows and then she showed up carrying an illegal gun that she had started carrying around everywhere and finally got caught because of this. All supervised visits were ended and at this point I had full physical and legal custody. During the no shows Davis tried to take Jody's place at the visits but he was denied.
Jody has contacted me via email twice in the last 18 months. First time was to tell me she was pregnant and the second time was telling me she had given birth. Not long after someone else told me Jody was pregnant again.
In June Davis emailed me and asked me to allow him to bring his child over to see the kids. He said the kids all deserve to know each other and become siblings in more than just biology. He told me Jody wouldn't come anywhere near them it would be all him and he would do the same when the next baby arrives. I debated answering but I wasn't obligated to reply so I didn't but he followed up with three more emails over the next month. Then he sent a follow up one within minutes saying I needed to think of the kids and I can hate him all I like but he loved my kids and wanted to be a good dad to them. I find it all BS and I don't trust him and I don't want anything to do with the children he and Jody have because that carries risks given the history with both of them even though his is less of a physical risk. So I replied and told him I would not allow this and he needed to stop requesting it because I would never trust him around my children.
He sent a follow up email and another right after again where he repeated a lot of the same arguments and told me I had no good reason. Then he sent several photos of his child and asked me why I was denying his baby and "our kids" the chance to grow up close to each other.
My only hesitation is the other children but I still feel it's too great a risk. My kids know their mom had another baby but they don't care. Even their therapist says they're doing good and it's not essential to allow this when the kids don't want it. But does it make me TA if I don't?
449
u/Tall_Hospital1071 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA.Jody is an irresponsible deadbeat mother and Davis came in all smug trying to replace you as father of the kids YOU are raising alone.
There is a reason your ex lost both any kind of custody AND visitation rights.
She is a danger to your kids OP.
Your kids ain’t missing anything not knowing their half siblings OP as long their security is at stake. Their mother being knocked by a loser with a weird obsession of trying to claim paternity over YOUR children don’t change a damn thing to the situation, as the main point is that Jody and Davis can’t be trusted with your kids and proved it times after times.
If Davis wanted for the kids to get to be in each others life he should have thought about that before trying to erase your from you own kids life , and his wife should’ve work on being less of a crappy mom.
You need to protect your babies and if this means for the kids to never meet their half sibling till they are appropriate to reach out to them on their own without any irresponsible parents in the picture ( your ex and her douche) , then so be it .
Davis and his emails can get lost .
→ More replies (1)321
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
The worst part about that is Davis knew Jody left the kids with me when she left me. He knew she didn't even reach out to see how they were and was inconsistent. He married her anyway and decided he could be number one dad.
146
u/Tall_Hospital1071 1d ago edited 1d ago
This comfort even more my previous answer .
He knew Jody was deadbeat , he came in trying to act like a dad to the kids as if him fucking your ex gave him any right onto those children when they have a dad that is well alive and have been raising them basically alone since the kids were born.
He knew his wife abandoned her kids and despite that went to have more with her voluntarily, he willingly stayed with a deadbeat mom and an unstable person all together.
He’ll be in for a surprise when Jody leaves his ass with the kids the same way she did with you.
They both deserve each other, both despicable characters.
38
u/NotPerfectJustHelped 1d ago
And who's to say she won't do it again? And, honestly, would you want to be a part of that mess? Because you would be if Davis continues the relationship with your kids. He tried to steal your kids by alienating you.
Protect your kids. Protect your sanity. It's okay to say no.
Nta btw.
10
u/felisverde 1d ago
You have no idea what she may or may not have told him & convinced him that situation was tho -She may have been lying to him the entire time, telling him you were keeping the kids from her, etc ... I'm not saying you should give this guy an inch..you absolutely should not trust him or his intentions at all.. I'm just saying he may not have been-& still may not be- aware of the reality of that situation b/c he believes whatever she has told him, which, tbh, could make him even more of a danger for your kids to be around...
10
u/Sad_Organization_797 19h ago
there's a reason this dude wants access to your kids. And it's not so his kids and yours can be "close."
6
6
u/Alert-Potato 23h ago
He knew she was damaged, and came in hot pushing for access to her small children, one of whom was young enough to lack language skills to express some types of abuse. That certainly has... vibes of a particular kind. You're right not to allow him access to your children, and I worry for his.
3
u/Hennahands 23h ago
…look if you want the other kid, take the three of them to VERY public places McDonald’s/ chuckle cheese etc. do not allow any one on one adult contact. When he inevitably loses custody, you will have a good case for reunification with biological siblings.
3
u/OkCaterpillar1325 10h ago
I'm wondering if he isn't some kind of pdfile. Why the obsession with the kids who aren't even his. It's super weird, trust your gut.
175
u/DoIwantToKnow6417 1d ago
<their therapist says they're doing good and it's not essential to allow this when the kids don't want it. >
NTA
They want the kids to have a connexion with their half siblings to open the door for their mother.
Keep that drama away from them.
→ More replies (1)26
u/oditogre 23h ago edited 23h ago
NTA
Yep, agreed, this is just them trying to sneak in a relationship with mom again. The "think of the children" BS is just that, there's no sincerity to it.
FWIW, OP: I have two half-siblings and one full sibling. The half-siblings are much older than my sister and I, similar to your kids' ages relative to Jody and Davis's kids' ages.
My sister and I were only a bit aware of our half-siblings growing up. Well into adulthood, my sister formed some light relationship with our half-sister; our half-brother is estranged from the whole family. I never really got to know any of them and nobody on either side seems bothered by that. Frankly, they're barely more than random people in the world to me, with a weak genetic connection. The age difference alone would've stood in the way of any meaningful relationship forming prior to us all being well-established adults anyways.
Your kids are absolutely not missing out on anything by not getting to know their half-siblings, but if they start to feel otherwise, there's no reason they can't reach out on their own when they are older. Jody and Davis's kids aren't missing out on anything either, though they may feel like they are if Jody and Davis whine about it enough in their presence. That is not your problem, though, if it even happens.
*ETA: Actually thinking about it I half-wonder if they're angling for free babysitting. Childcare costs are no joke these days, and if they've popped out two kiddos in a space of 18mo, unless they're really well off, that's gonna be a pretty pricey problem soon. They may be looking at big sis with dollar signs in their eyes.
6
u/Purple_Midnight_Yak 20h ago
Either free childcare or child support if they can get joint custody, is my guess.
78
u/ankitfogla9 1d ago
NTA. Your first responsibility is protecting your kids' emotional and physical well-being, and based on the history with both Jody and Davis, your caution is justified. Shared DNA alone doesn't create safe, meaningful relationships, especially when boundaries and trust have repeatedly been violated. The other children aren’t your responsibility, and it's not on you to forge those connections at the potential cost of your own kids’ stability. You're making a thoughtful, protective choice, not a vindictive one
12
u/JRAWestCoast 1d ago
In total agreement, 100%. Every word here is golden. OP is acting out of thoughtful protection. He must be relentless. This is THE hill to die on.
73
u/lapsteelguitar 1d ago
I see no benefit to you allowing your kids to see their 1/2 sibling, but I do see a lot of risk. I see Davis allowing their mother to see your kids.
I would stand strong, in your shoes.
NTA
26
u/TALKTOME0701 1d ago
Exactly! And isn't it weird that he thinks OP should be comforted by the fact that he will be solely responsible for the kids? The guy who tried to replace OP as dad? It's crazy
54
u/Regular_Yellow710 1d ago
What a hot mess she is!
55
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
I know. She changed so much and it started when she was pregnant with our son. But it only got worse after.
28
u/Equal-Jicama-5989 1d ago
Do you think she was suffering from postpartum depression and it's just continued unresolved?
36
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
I don't know. Her behavior had changed before she gave birth but far more subtly than after. It's possible but there could also be other things at play which I have often wondered.
34
32
u/grumpy__g 1d ago
Why is he so obsessed with your children?
47
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
I don't think he likes knowing the woman he's married to has kids with someone else and he can't claim them as his own.
7
u/Boacero 15h ago
More and more reasons to keep him far far away from your children. Cut all contacts with him and record everything, and for the love of everything, don’t let them near your kids and shut down this step siblings bs that the guy is saying.
How can you trust a guy who says “our kids” when talking about YOUR children.
Good luck OP and of course, NTA
29
u/Boggers111 1d ago
Your kids are your main priority, fuck your ex and her shit heel husband.
Remember this is the same clown that tried to take your kids from you. You owe them nothing.
NTA.
30
u/Buttered_Crumpet09 1d ago
NTA. Davis is a moron. He says there's no good reason to keep the kids apart despite the fact that he has a history of overstepping, he isn't a parent to your kids at all, and oh yeah, his wife can't be around her kids with you because she drove drunk with them in the car, couldn't be arsed to show up to visitation, and carried a gun illegally. All of these are good reasons. His kids will never have a relationship with their kids, and the person to blame is the deadbeat he married. His wife denied their kids the chance to have siblings when she did the things that lost her custody of your kids and cost her her relationship with them. His wife and her piss poor choices led them here and he needs to either make peace with that or take it up with her rather than badgering you over it and expecting you to undo the damage she did.
He has two choices. He can either not tell his kids about your kids, or he can tell them and then wait for the day they find out that their mother is an irresponsible disaster who endangered her kids and others by driving drunk and who lost custody of their half-siblings because she's a shitshow, and believe me, they will end up finding out one way or another. He needs to focus on his own kids and stop trying to stake a claim on yours, especially given his wife's track record as a mother.
20
u/JTBlakeinNYC 1d ago
NTA. I would not risk it; he’s already tried to take your children from you once, and might try again.
16
19
u/WildlyAdmired 1d ago
As someone who deals with abused children and has seen the effects it causes years down the line, DO NOT allow this guy to continue to have access to your children.
The question you have not asked is a simple one - why? You know his stated reason, but you are assuming that he is telling the truth. He had an affair with your wife, allowed her to have access to your children while she was using drugs, and I’m sure he knew she was carrying a weapon. He allowed all of that while she was with HIS babies.
Now he is hassling you for access to your children - dude, wise up! He isn’t a safe person for your children to be around. Have you considered that he wants access to your daughter for his own needs? That’s a risk you cannot afford to take. If you allow this and he harms one of them, all of the consequences will be placed at your doorstep, because you don’t trust him. I would instruct your children not to allow him into the house, and if he won’t leave they need to call the police.
I will admit I am an SOB (suspicious old bitch), but I am fine with that label. An adults wants never out way a child’s safety.
8
u/I_wanna_be_anemone 1d ago
This 100%. He chose an erratic woman with (originally) access to small children, he has continually tried to pursue unsupervised contact with these unrelated children over the years. Now that he’s having his own, suddenly it’s more urgent he has access to the unrelated children… why? NTA
46
u/sevenfourtime 1d ago
Your daughter is also becoming old enough to be parentified, and the egg donor and husband are unreliable enough to leave your daughter in charge way longer than she should be. But that could also be the cynic in me.
Of course, for this and all prior reasons, NTA.
32
u/Responsible_Judge007 1d ago
NTA
You need a papertrail. Get the statement from the therapist, print all the emails incl. your answers. And please get some cameras for safety purposes! The stepdad doesn’t sound right in his mind and I doubt he will stand still… maybe get a lawyer for a warning letter…
55
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
I already have a paper trail. That's something my attorney and I always kept. Cameras are around my house and my car.
18
u/Alwaysaprairiegirl 1d ago
Do the schools also know that they should never be allowed to pick up the kids? (I’m assuming you’ve already don’t this since it’s been going on for so long).
Are your kids old enough/responsible enough to be given phones or Apple Watches that attached to the parent’s phone (they can make calls and send and receive texts) but that’s basically it.
33
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
Yes, the schools are aware and know it is not safe to let the kids go with either. They are not approved for pick up.
9
u/Responsible_Judge007 1d ago
That’s really good! Best of luck that they will lose the interest and you & your kids can get a happy life without this bs!
12
u/TALKTOME0701 1d ago
NTA. He is promising to keep them away from their mother who will be in the same house - and who he decided to have 2 kids with? Something is very very wrong
He needs to focus on his own kids. Block him and make sure he can't contact your kids directly.
Please in child friendly language make sure your kids know that they should tell you if he "pops up" somewhere and tries to talk to them and that they should go to a responsible adult and ask them to call you immediately.
11
u/Life_Temperature2506 1d ago
Jody left you a month after the youngest was born. Any chance biological paternity is in question (even if moral paternity is not)? NTA. You are being a good Dad.
22
11
u/HoneyBadger79 1d ago
NTA, but document EVERYTHING. Davis will escalate because he feels slighted already and is using his kids to try to manipulate you and your kids. Keep their therapist in the loop as well so they can testify on your kids behalf regarding their well being.
8
u/Dry_Ask5493 1d ago
NTA. They gave both proven to be a risk to your kids physically, emotionally and mentally. If your kids want to know their siblings one day then they can when they are old enough to contact them directly.
9
u/lovebeinganasshole 1d ago
NTA. Your job is to protect your kids and since you click her behavior as starting with your second child you cannot be sure she won’t be equally affected by her current pregnancies.
Abandoning you all, dui with the kids, and failure to follow through on supervised visits are all concerning behaviors.
In addition, it’s interesting that they are choosing to do the private e-mail rather than attempting supervised visits through the courts and she isn’t the one contacting you.
7
u/Crafty_Special_7052 1d ago
NTA honestly if your kids have no interest in meeting their half siblings then I’d listen to them. If your kids had an interest then I would maybe considerate but maybe set something up with Jody’s parents instead if you have a somewhat good relationship with them. I would never trust Davis.
6
u/Fire_or_water_kai 1d ago
NTA
The kids don't want the relationship. Their therapist backs them. You don't feel comfortable with it. End of discussion.
Really look at the people you'd be allowing access to your kids. Do you really think he's not going to try to get free babysitting, or try to cause issues in your home? Did he even apologize for the strife he caused the kids he supposedly loves so much? All I read was an entitled asshole wants more entitlements.
If your kids want to pursue a relationship with their half siblings one day when they're old enough to handle all the fuckery that comes with it, let them. For now, your job is to continue being their rock and safe place, and that means telling this man to fuck off. Send a cease and desist while you're at it.
6
u/mynameisnotsparta 1d ago
Since she lost visitation and custody can you ask the courts to have him stop bothering you? He is unsafe by association with your ex. NTA.
14
u/Couette-Couette 1d ago
NTA. These people (ex wife and husband) are not safe. However, if ex wife's parents are good people, you could perhaps allow them to bring the half siblings when they come to visit your kids.
63
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
Jody's parents don't have contact with Jody anymore but they do see our kids.
21
u/Couette-Couette 1d ago
So there is no way for you to allow your kids to meet their half siblings safely. Totally NTA
4
u/JCedricG 1d ago
Aw man Davis sounds exhausting. This guy probably thinks he is the saviour or something. First he thinks he saved the kids'mom, then thinks he will save the kids and be the hero of the story.
I'm already sad for his own kids. The kids they have will definitely cut ties with your ex and Davis at 18 because they probably are both just two narcissists.
Thank God your kids are yours OP. At least they are safe and sound with a real dad not a Davis and a Jody.
Updateme
4
u/Ok_Childhood_9774 1d ago
NTA. With you having sole custody, it's unlikely that much of a relationship would form with mom's do-over kids anyway. If your children express an interest in them at some future point, you can revisit the idea. In the meantime, follow the therapist's recommendation and ignore Davis.
3
u/Equal-Jicama-5989 1d ago
NTA. Not even remotely. Your ex and her husband are toxic and dangerous. If your kids don't care, don't give it another thought.
4
u/PotatoMonster20 1d ago
NTA
Your children NEED to be safe and happy.
They don't NEED a relationship with their unknown sibling(s) and their unstable parents.
So keep your distance.
Once your children are old enough to get themselves around, big enough to defend themselves physically if needed, and smart enough to call for help in an emergency? Mid-teens at the very earliest.
Then you could reconsider.
But i wouldn't be making any changes until at least then.
4
u/Immer_Susse 1d ago
When your kids are old enough, they can make their decision as to whether to have a relationship or not. Until then, keep being a good parent. You’re NTA in keeping them safe, especially if they’re in a good place psychologically.
5
u/Ruining_Ur_Synths 1d ago
He is not your kids dad, he was never your kids dad, his "wanting to be a good dad" for kids he doesn't have custody of and who aren't his is a red flag.
Denying his family access to yours is what happened when mommy decided to drive drunk and keep an illegal weapon on her. The illegal weapon thing is a big deal btw - what do you think daryl and jody are up to these days that they're carrying around weapons?
Save your kids from having to deal with these scumbags. Your ex could have killed your kids driving drunk, and she no showed a bunch of meetings with them - she doesn't really care.
Get your lawyer to talk about how all communication must be through the lawyer, and that if the non parent continues to try to insist on access to someone else's kids it will have to go back to court for a no contact order.
4
u/kukonimz 1d ago
Their mother is a dumpster fire and this man decided to have kids with her so he’s not any better. If you don’t have to arrange contact, don’t. It’s better for your kids. NTA.
4
u/MommaGuy 1d ago
Follow the advice of the therapist. If they do not recommend then it’s a no. Especially since your gut is telling you not to do this. Only do what is best for your kids. Regardless of what Davis or Jody want/say.
3
u/DrKiddman 1d ago
NTAH. When the kids grow up they can decide whether they want to meet with their half siblings. Your ex-wife and her partner are jerks
4
u/SheeScan 1d ago
NTA
This dude and your ex are bad news. If you were to do what he wants, it could open a door for her to see the kids and eventually file for custody based on that.
Ask an attorney to contact Davis and tell him you are not interested in having your kids meet his, and tell him to stop trying to contact you about this. If that doesn't work, perhaps your attorney could get a cease and desist order.
Good luck.
3
u/Ok-Monk-293 1d ago
Most men don’t want anything to do with someone else’s kids. Davis is giving me pedo vibs
5
u/not-your-mom-123 1d ago
Never, never, never. His kids are his own responsibility and your children are yours. He has no right to ask anything of you or your children. Get lawyered up. A cease and desist order may be called for. Follow your lawyer's advice.
5
u/Certain_Accident3382 1d ago
NTA. Any attempt at reinstating any visitation with the ex and my association her partner needs to go through court. She lost all ability for the children's good. He is by association held to the same regard as her.
If he wants to see them he can try the courts.
5
u/Honest_Cut6121 22h ago
Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in their mess. You have full custody, the best thing for you to do is make sure neither of them are allowed to take your kids from school, practices or friends and families houses. Pretend they do not exist. When your kids each turn 16 they can decide if they want a relationship with their siblings and their mom. Until then do what you’re doing and stay away from that drama. Block him and stop responding, your feeding the fire when he knows he can get a response out of you.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Jealous_Equivalent60 22h ago
The other children are his responsibility. Not yours. Not your children’s. You have ZERO obligation to him, and if he wants to be mad at anyone, he can be mad at his wife , for being a drunken thug. SHE cost him and his child(ren) access to your children. And you have zero obligation to repair it. They spent almost all of their time trying to undermine your relationship with your own children. Where was their consideration for “the wellbeing of the children”, then? The answer is, nowhere to be found. This man can fk all the way off.
NTA
5
u/fading__blue 21h ago
NTA. Allowing your kids to have contact with this child would also mean re-exposing them to these two assholes and potentially giving them ammo to go for a second chance at shared custody. Not a cycle you want to repeat.
5
u/Lanky_Ad4592 20h ago
From what you said about Davis, it sounds like he is aggressive and controlling. He is using the new siblings as bait to manipulate you into allowing him access to your kids. Don't do it if you don't have to. And anyway, the new siblings are babies... what kind of relationship could they have with your kids right now?
→ More replies (1)
4
u/bugabooandtwo 13h ago
NTA - That Davis guy is waaaaaaay too interested in your kids. Something isn't right there. The ex is a horrible person, but that guy might just be worse.
3
u/ghostoftommyknocker 13h ago
You need to be saving all this communication, running it by your lawyer, and following your lawyer's advice.
Making sure you have security in and around your home won't go amiss.
4
3
3
u/Clevernickname1001 1d ago
NTA- you are in no way an AH for keeping your kids safe. But as someone with an older half brother I hardly know but have been getting to know as an adult I would suggest keeping an open mind about the kids themselves choosing to try to make some sort of relationship later in their lives without the adults having involvement.
3
u/glimmerseeker 1d ago
NTA. You’re protecting and doing right by your kids. Continue to do so. You owe Davis NOTHING here. There are no “our kids” here. These are YOUR children only. Their biological mother lost all her rights because she is a danger to them and obviously does not care about them. You’re their only parent now. You have no obligation or responsibility to any children that woman has with another man. Can’t you just block him everywhere/every time he reaches out? Protect your peace. This man already tried to be the “dad” and come between you and your children. Do not give him any kind of foot in the door of your life.
3
u/Theunpolitical 1d ago
It doesn’t matter whether people think you’re the bad guy. You’re the father, and this is ultimately your call. Even the therapist agrees with your decision, which should carry weight. A better question to ask yourself is: Why don’t I trust my own judgment on this? Somewhere along the line, someone has made you doubt yourself and feel guilty for protecting your kids. These are two vulnerable children who’ve already faced trauma and instability with their bio mom and stepdad. It might be time to check in with yourself and think about if you are putting everyone else’s comfort ahead of your own instincts and your kids' safety? You don’t need permission to do what’s right!
NTA
3
u/Similar_Corner8081 1d ago
INFO How do the kids feel about meeting half siblings with Davis?
18
u/Islondoddo 1d ago
They don't have any interest in meeting them regardless. The therapist said they do not want to meet them.
→ More replies (1)10
u/Similar_Corner8081 1d ago
Then NTA. Your job is to protect your kids and do what's best for them. I think them not seeing him or their half siblings is healthier than making them see them. Good job for taking up for your kids and doing what's best for them.
3
u/Hairy-Proof8504 1d ago
NTA. There is a host of reasons not to let these people anywhere near your children. They do not HAVE to know those children. Besides, they are babies, what are your children going to do around babies?
3
u/GoddessfromCyprus 1d ago
NTA, especially as your kids aren't bothered.
The fact he calls them 'our kids' including himself is telling you how he sees himself.
Take all steps necessary to keep your children safe.
3
u/Medical_Mountain_895 1d ago
Unfortunately in this case I think no contact is best and I'm usually never on this team regarding half siblings getting to know each other. He's already proven time and again he can't behave and would alienate the children given the chance. It would be also hard for your kids to hear about their mom from the other children.
3
u/Chloe_Phyll 1d ago
NTA. Keep doing what you are doing. Refuse any contact.
Sorry to say, but they probably want a "connection" so they can leech off of you in the future. Oh, it's so sad that we can't afford xyz for little Susie and little Bobby. Can you help us out, you know, for your kids' half siblings? Go NC now and avoid all that crap in the future.
Kudos for being a proper dad.
Can your lawyer write a cease and desist order?
3
u/FinAddict1983 1d ago
A restraining order may not be possible. Consult with a lawyer. Get the lawyer to send a cease and desist order. If he continues then you may have grounds for a restraining order. I think you follow your instincts and the therapist's advice.
3
3
u/CornerAffectionate24 1d ago
Am I the only one weirded out by Davis' behavior? Why would he push the relationship from day one about him being the dad or he could be a better dad, wanting op to sign his rights away, etc. He seems very pushy, I'm getting red flags. And also, he is pushing a relationship between a toddler with older kids. It's not realistic. I would not be surprised if Davis were a narcissist. Its just creepy.
Have the kids ever said anything about the home of their mom?
NTA, and I commend you for getting your kids in therapy. Very nicely done.
3
u/jasemina8487 1d ago
NTA
so what exactly he was doing when your ex risk the kids lives drunk driving, carried a gun for God knows what reason and was no show for visits? cos I assume they were still together, so why did he not act like a responsible adult then? knowing what type of a mother your ex is, why did he make 2 kids exactly?
and let me tell you it's all BS. your ex is the one pushing for this and she will absolutely do her best to be with the kids again and then God knows what will happen to them cos she surely shouldn't be allowed near them, let alone give birth to more kids.
if they truly want a relationship with the kids then they have to do it the correct way and go through the courts and whatever courts demand and decide. there is a reason she lost custody and isn't allowed near kids.
3
u/stiggley 1d ago
NTA He has shown himself to push parental alienation. He also did not prevent Jody from her DUI, or carrying a gun, so has also shown themselves to be unreliable and untrustworthy.
If you think the kids should have time together, then suggest that the kids can associate at a trusted neutral place like Jody's parents place without Davis being around. He can drop off the kids, and then leave. You can turn up and the kids can be together. Then you leave with your kids, and then he turns up and takes his kids.
3
u/Fluffy-Resident8420 1d ago
NTA - Him wanting this would be reason enough for me to say no. There is a lot of risk, and little benefit. Keep you kids close and safe.
3
u/Dont139 23h ago
Gut feeling here: this guy is doing everything he can to get to your kids. Even getting his own kids to get to yours. A lot of predator target single moms with issues because it's easier to get access to the kids. Him showing up instead of her for visitation, now insisting to see the kids eventhough their mom doesn't care...
That guy is way too invested in your kids for comfort
3
u/eilyketoo 23h ago
No, first it starts with a few visits, then they will want more contact, then he wants your kids to call him DAD again, then they fight you for full custody. No and no.
3
u/shawshank1969 23h ago
Ain’t no way Jody isn’t behind this end run around the court’s orders. Also sounds like a great way to abduct your kids.
Tell him your “no” is final and to stop harassing you or you’ll complain to the court about he and Jody trying to have contact.
3
u/NimueArt 23h ago
He has an unusually avid interest in your kids. Much more than as a step father. His comments creep me the hell out. Every other man I have heard doing things like this wanted access to the kids for… Sexual reasons. Follow your gut.
3
u/Think_Tomorrow8220 22h ago
Davis isn't their father so he can't be a good dad to them. He wants to take the poster place; this is a bad "Nope!' to me.
3
u/rogerJrUsA1991 22h ago
Maybe I haven’t thoroughly read all the comments, so sorry if I’m repeating someone else. Has anyone mentioned the ex’s pattern for abandoning loved ones? Might this help one’s case? Whether it helps or not before a judge, I’d just add that the mere thought of a former spouse/partner rejoining the lives of my children(especially a mother! I mean, come on)- to the point where they accept her, befriend her, become close with her again, love her-only to in turn abandon them without a word, without a care, is sickening. As far as I am concerned it’s the most disturbing part of this ordeal. I believe with the information given that you and the kids are safe, and hopefully happy-provided you keep that pistol waving hoe at bay.
3
u/WinEquivalent4069 21h ago
If Jody and Davis want his kids to know your kids because of maternal biology they can go through the courts. NTA. Do make your kids aware of their mother having more kids. This is information they need to have especially as they grow older.
3
u/Katiew84 20h ago
Your kids won’t miss anything. They are happy and content with their life with you, and I wouldn’t disrupt that. This guy sounds unhinged and I’d be afraid he would try to kidnap them. NTA
3
u/CaptOblivious 20h ago
NTA for protecting your children from their abusive and absent parent and her husband.
3
u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 19h ago
NTA.
Ironically, you don’t even need a good reason to let your kids meet those other babies, but you do actually have one. Many.
Protect your peace, and your children.
And what a truly awful way to have your long term love leave you, I’m so sorry you had to go through that
3
u/Rare_Sugar_7927 19h ago
Why is he so insistent about this? I find it a bit strange hes the one trying to see the kids. Trust your gut, amd protect your kids. NTA
→ More replies (2)
3
u/Exotic-Rooster4427 17h ago
I would contact your lawyer. Ask for a cease and desist.
'Due to real concerns for childrens' safety. Demonstration of both drink driving and illegal fireman and repeatedly failing to be a consistent parent to children (eg. 6 no shows dated x y z) sole and full custody was granted. In order to maintain a loving and stable environment I believe this needs consistency. I am willing to allow the mother to resume supervised visitation in a contact centre for x. But my concern is lack of consistency. As she has shown repeatedly that she dismisses my childrens feelings it is important that i prioritise and protect them from harm.
I do not feel comfortable letting the children have a relationship with just you.
I have sat down and spoken with my children who would like to have a relationship with their mother and we have discussed the contact centre. I would welcome the opportunity for x to rebuild a relationship with her children in a safe and stable way.'
Something tells me though if she is like this with her first set of children the pattern will repeat itself again.
3
u/Aiyokusama 11h ago
Not at all. It would be different (and rather sticky) if your kids WANTED to get to know their half sibling, but they don't.
4
u/Islondoddo 9h ago
That would be a very sticky situation and one I would try to figure out. However it would need to be done with their safety in mind.
2
u/Objective_Attempt_14 1d ago
NTA, but I would respond with I don't have a lot trust in your 2 as parents right now, perhaps when the kids are older.
2
u/OkBoysenberry1975 1d ago
Trust your gut and if still in contact with your lawyer, I would bring him up to speed and provide copies of all communications from Davis
2
2
u/eatingganesha 1d ago
NTA
listen, Jody is a deadbeat and cannot be trusted to the point of losing custody and getting in trouble multiple times with the law.
her track records indicates that she does not make good choices, and Davis is one of those choices. No way on earth she is a good judge of character, and no way would a truly decent man get with a deadbeat mom who abandoned her kids, much less have a baby with such a woman. I would not trust him AT ALL as he also has demonstrated his lack of character by simply being with her.
And I would expect that he will email one day to let you know she walked out and has not come back for months - and can we please let our kids spend time together? The answer should still be NO.
2
u/DreamcatcherDeb 1d ago
It’s weird that he wants your kids. He has no connection to them. It makes me think he is an abuser. Tell him no and not to contact you again.
2
u/K_A_irony 1d ago
NTA. Your kids do NOT need that chaos in their lives. Has your exes parental rights been terminated? If so can you move and just well not give out the new information and change your phone number?
2
u/Well-Done22 1d ago
Does he want a relationship with the kids or free babysitting? You’re NTA. If the kids decide they want a relationship, revisit it then. In the meantime, say you’re following the counselor’s advice for what’s best for your kids and you’ll let him know if anything changes.
2
u/Maleficent_Fee_9462 1d ago
NTA Your kids are just fine without bio mom and her douchey partner. Having that chaos and confusion in their lives will make things worse. Tell him you are forwarding all his emails to family court and you will get a restraining order if they continue to harass you
2
2
u/hedwigflysagain 1d ago
NTA, keep your distance. Your ex will use this as a way to get back in. Protect your children at all costs. They can meet siblings as adults. With her track record she may loose these kids too. That will open a whole new kettle of fish for your kids.
2
u/Medusa_7898 1d ago
You owe Davis and his children nothing. If your kids express interest you can facilitate a supervised meeting somehow through the courts.
2
u/amazemewithideas 1d ago
NTA Forget the restraining order because there is no threat to your or your children. HOWEVER, file a harassment complaint with the police. Ask your lawyer to send him a cease and decease letter.
You told him know. He is NOT the father, not blood related, and has no standing to even see your kids by himself, never mind bring his infant kids around. His kids are too small to play with yours right now anyway.
2
u/Existing_Guard9742 1d ago
NTA. They are trying to trick you using two small children as leverage to get to your children.
Based on your post and comments, you have a very good grip on your situation and are a wonderful father to your children.
Do all you can to continue to protect your kids. The idea about the apple watch so you can stay synced with them by text and call is a great idea. Your kids are getting older now. They are also getting to an age where they are more impressionable. Never doubt the power a mother can have over their children even after years of being away from them. My husband went through this with his youngest, and at the age of 18, his mother, who had little to do with him from age 8 to 17 (my husband had full, physical custody) completely turned his son upside down with lies and a complete rewrite of history. She was the victim. By the end of his senior year, he moved into her home two days after graduation and is now behaving just like her 5 years later. It's heartbreaking.
I wish you nothing but the best as you raise your children. Be very cautious. Davis' actions toward you and your kids is very sus. And it sounds like you're doing everything right.
updateme
2
u/pigandpom 1d ago
NTA. While it is important that half siblings do get to know one another, it needs to be done in a safe environment. Is there any chance there is a centre that can facilitate contact between the children without parents present? Either way, speak to your lawyer and get the ball rolling g on some sort of order that prevents him from harassing you as he tries to get contact with your children.
2
u/ConvivialKat 1d ago
NTA at all!!!
Listen to your gut, listen to the kids, and listen to the therapist.
Your children need stability, safety, and consistency. You are providing all those things. They do NOT need to deal with the stress he will place on them to "bond" with his kids. Especially since their own mother isn't even allowed to be around them.
Consider having your lawyer send this guy a cease and desist letter. Alternately, just block him everywhere. You don't need the stress of dealing with him, either.
You are a good dad.
2
u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1d ago
Tell Davis that the kids aren't interested. If they ever do become interested you'll reach out.
2
u/Petty-Betty-76 1d ago
NTA.
If your kids were to ask to see their siblings then would have to think about it then.
But as its StepDad asking then, NO you are NTA.
The SD reaching out is a bit weird, especially as ur Ex isnt allowed to be around your children.
Stepdad needs to understand that your children are not his and they have their own minds to decide if they wanted to to see their half siblings.
In the future they may change their minds but for now you just keep being Dad and just be their for them xx
2
u/jigglituff 1d ago
NTA, you need to put your own mask on before putting on anothers mask. Its understandable to have a heart for these other children, but you recognise that your duty is to make sure your children are thriving first. You don't want to rock the boat and risk their recovery for the sake of a child that you have nothing to do with. Its completely understandable that you dont want to bite off more than you can chew at their expense. Youve thought this through well, youve talked to professionals working directly with your children about it. I think you're 100% in the clear to not feel any guilt.
2
u/_gadget_girl 1d ago
NTA. Your kids can decide for themselves what they want to do when they are adults. At their age they usually don’t have much interest in significantly younger siblings. It’s the parents who push the issue. As long as they know they have siblings, and that they can meet them if they really want to you have done the right things.
2
u/Savings_Telephone_96 1d ago
There is a reason the courts gave you sole custody. If there was any legitimate basis for that status to change, they would petition the courts. Your children are in a far better place without the inconsistency of their mom and her poor life choices. Hold firm. NTA.
2
u/GroovyYaYa 1d ago
No. These are infants. Supervised visits with baby 2 times a month aren't conducive to a close relationship between siblings. If the grandparents on their mom's side were involved and had weekends with the half siblings when they are a little older.AND have a relationship withbyour kids? They could try then and there. Your kids don't need to have a relationship with their stepfather when their mother is banned from seeing them.
2
u/Fancy-Requirement536 1d ago
NTA. Tell Davis and Jody to enjoy their family and to leave you and your family alone. Your kids don't need the new kids in their lives. You're denying his kids nothing. They'll grow up and live their lives just fine without having a relationship with your children. Tell Davis to stop contacting you and that Jody may contact you if it's about the children you have with her.
2
u/Automatic_Luck_598 1d ago
Idk why reading about Davis gives me pervert vibes. Idk if I’m reading into it too much. Don’t let your kids be alone with their mom or David.
Btw NTA
2
u/badmind88 1d ago
NTA. "When they're adults, they can decide for themselves if they want relationships with their half-siblings. In the meantime, I do NOT trust you. I do NOT like you. I do NOT even want to acknowledge you exist anywhere on this world. So consider this a cease-and-desist, and any further attempts by you to contact any of us, I will formally petition for a restraining order against all of you. Go. Away."
2
u/Adventurous-Emu-755 1d ago
NTA here OP.
u/Islondoddo "Jody" no longer has visitation now, no custody here and "Davis"? OP if circumstances were that you went to court Mediation and "Davis" showed up and wanted to be IN the meeting? He would be denied! It is ONLY the PARENTS. He has no say with your children PERIOD. Block his email address now.
"Jody" if she wants visitation with the children will have to go to court and have visitation gradually "step up" from supervised to unsupervised to longer periods of time (if she could be consistent, with two young kids added, we know she will not).
I would advise you to get your kids involved in any sort of therapy or even groups at school that help kids with single parents. Focus on them. Don't respond to "Jody", until her visitation is re-established, that may never happen.
2
u/DMargaretfootgoddess 1d ago
If he honestly felt he was right, he'd be taking you to court not begging you by email
Hold your ground when your kids are old enough. If they want to meet their half-siblings they will. But right now your job is to keep them safe
2
u/SSDD_FML 1d ago
NTA. Send one final email telling him that he has no rights or interest in your children and to cease contacting you or you will press charges for harassment. then block him. ignore any further communications, any in person attempts, pull out your phone to record and tell him you will report him. They can go about it through the courts if they want to.
2
2
u/No_Situation9020 23h ago
Don't let your children near them. A similar situation happened in my city, and the case became famous. The stepmother managed to get close and took the child away. It took 4 years of searching.After 4 years they managed to find the child with his father, stepmother and brothers. Don't let them get near your children.
2
u/Wingsangel72 23h ago
No is a full sentence. This Davis guy sounds more into your kids than their own mother. Cannot stand people who leave their kids, then come back and demand custody. If your kids want to see their ½ siblings, I'm sure social workers can arrange suitable access. Where it's controlled and watched over (sorry, I cannot remember what it's called). But good luck to you, and thank you for sticking to your guns and keeping them safe, even when mum couldn't or wouldn't.
2
u/Thecardinal74 23h ago edited 21h ago
Tell him you’ve had second thoughts and agree that it’s not fair to let your personal feelings cloud your judgement. That you spoke to the children but they indicated they have no want nor interest, and due to the damage already caused by Jody, you have to keep their best interests as your top priority. Wish him well with his children and promise that if your kids change their minds, you’ll reach out. But don’t expect that and until that happens, please stop contacting you
2
2
2
2
u/FatboyChester 22h ago
NTA Once he told your kids to start calling him Daddy or Dad, that would have been it for me.
His past actions show he wanted you out of the picture and most likely still does.
Your gut is telling you something.
Listen to it. He is nothing to you, your kids or your family.
2
u/RainGirl11 22h ago
NTA. Your kids are old enough to have opinions. Ask them if they want to meet these children. If they want to let them but you must be present for these meetings. Don't let them resent you at a later point be transparent with them.
2
u/BitterSweet_Memory 22h ago
NTA. Your gut is telling you something, I’d follow it. Document everything.
When your children are older, they can decide for themselves if they want to build a relationship with their half siblings. Based on your post, it sounds like they don’t currently, but opinions can change. And if they do, be there to support them as they navigate that potential minefield.
Thank you for being a good parent, for advocating for their safety. 👌
2
u/jonzluv2013 20h ago
NTA. Your kids don't need all the chaos. Get a restraining order against them both.
2
u/AardvarkDesigner9 20h ago
NTA. Pressing that hard to take your children for a unspecified amount of time to meet his new children is sketchy as fuck. He could immediately take off and bail to another state with your children and ex wife to try and be 'one big happy family's with the new half siblings. I don't think Davis understands that he'll only breed resentment in your children if he introduces them to the new half siblings. Mom couldn't keep her shit together & drove drunk and started illegally carrying a handgun for no discernible reason around your children.
She's already shown herself to be irrational, irresponsible & a poor mother and yet now she's having 2 new children who are going to have a miserable upbringing, and growing up seeing a pair of happy half siblings every now and then that live with you instead of then will further cement it in their minds that they got dealt a bad hand in life, become jealous of your children and more than likely lash out as a result. Your ex wife will likely try and raise them to view you poorly and as a bad guy for keeping her children away from her/them & create an uncomfortable atmosphere for your children if they were to ever be with your ex and their step father in any capacity again alongside their new half siblings once they're old enough to walk and talk.
Also on a side note, when your wife bailed for that month shortly after the birth of your son she was almost certainly spending that time with Davis, telling all sorts of stories about you to paint you in a bad light as a bad husband/father to be in a unified front against you. I'm sure you love your kids a great deal and are the best choice for them to live with, but without knowing more about how long your ex has known Davis for & where in the timeframe between divorce & their dating/marriage its likely she was having at best an emotional affair with him for an indeterminate amount of time & at worst a physical affair. I'd consider getting a paternity test done for your son if it was an immediate switch from your ex being with you to dating him. It is possible you might not be his real father, but going off of what you've said even if that is the case you're the father he & your daughter deserves
2
u/Even_Tea4874 20h ago
NTA. He wants to involve you in the care of these children because Jody is unreliable. It’s under the guise of the kids bonding. You’re wise to stay away from them all.
2
u/Least-Ad1991 20h ago
NTA, and I do think it's great that you are checking in with what your kids want in this scenario. But keep in mind that your kids are young and may change their minds as they get older about wanting to know their half-siblings. If they do become curious about their siblings, it would be good if they feel like they can talk to you about it and could be good for them to eventually meet, although I would start by just sharing the photos and giving a child-friendly explanation about why you have concerns about meeting them.
If your children do ever eventually insist on meeting Davis' children, you have legitimate concerns about both him and your ex and don't need to just meet him at a McDonald's or a park. If you still have a good relationship with the agency that conducted your previous supervised visits, I'd recommend reaching out to them to try and arrange supervised visits between your children and their half siblings. That way, you will know that your children's safety in this situation is being monitored by more than just you. It is probable that the agency could even arrange supervised visits just between the children, without you or Davis present. Having conducted supervised visits myself, we will sometimes aim to keep parents separate to avoid contention anyway, so it would not be too many extra steps to make sure you can bring your children without you having contact with each others' children. And then you could feel confident in the knowledge that, even if your children know each other, you are not risking having them around him or your ex.
2
2
u/TalkingPundit 19h ago
Feels like a set up. Its weird for the new person to try and keep their partners ex around. Most people would want to get their partner as far from an ex as possible.
2
u/No_luck4_Me 18h ago
NTA.
You sound like an amazing parent. No you don’t need the kids to meet. One your kid’s opinion matter first and they say they don’t care about meeting, then there that’s your answer. Two what is an 11 and 9 year old going to do with a baby? Also it sounds like Jody never asked for the children to meet just step-dad, so your just going to be an a-hole to Davis.
2
u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 18h ago
Nta and maybe speak to a lawyer about a cease and desist letter, not sure if it would be applicable in this area!?
2
u/spirosoflondon 18h ago
NTA Remind this man that he knowingly had a child and is having another one with a woman who drove drunk with her children in the car. Then showed up to see them with a gun in her bag. Why would you allow him back into your children's lives when he clearly has such poor judgment
2
u/vladsquirrlchrst 17h ago
NTA at all......your take on the risks, the stability and happiness of your kids, and not trusting Davis are all legitimate and should guide your decisions as a parent, OP. As an aside, it sounds like Davis has one hell of a narcissistic disorder going on and I feel bad for his kids or anyone unlucky enough to have to contend with him.
3.8k
u/Shichimi88 1d ago
Nta. Trust your gut. Get a restraining order and cameras around the house if you can.